To DB or not to DB, is it really a question?

[NewLeaf]

"I'm so glad you were already here when you found out"

Me too! I wish so badly I had found this site sooner, I think I really would have handled the immediate aftermath a lot better.

Shakspr, have been following your thread for a while, so sorry to see what you're going through these last couple of days. Don't have advice, just thinking of you and sending manly, (but not in an awkward way) hugs.

[labug]

Shake, as Cadet says to everyone here, you didn't break her/him you can't fix her/him. She was truly broken before, even before the 1st ex husband. And while there were things in each of yow that drew you together, (she wanted someone to fix her and you liked the idea of fixing her) that's not a healthy R foundation.
So what ever happened was going to happen.

You know very clearly what there is within you that needs work. That's all you can do, that's all any of us can do. Maybe your W will someday get to the point where she can do that. Maybe not.

I hope she does, for her sake and for her children's sake.

You're the lucky one really, you've gotten to a place where you see the need to change and can do that.

For now, grieve your loss, things will get better, the pain lessens.

[Shakspr]

New thread after this one. I assume I am close to 100...haven't figured out how to count # of posts in a thread.

labug, my love for my W and acknowledgement of my part in this are all that allow me to remain civil right now. I don't know the right approach to the next 2 1/2 weeks. I will love on my children every day. I will discuss matters of our children's lives (the 11 YO son is having tremendous trouble at school; this is going to make it worse.)

I will emulate Jesus; unlike Him, I am not without sin. Yet, like him, I will not throw the first stone and turn my D into a battleground. That said, (and meant!), I no longer trust my W. I now assume that every word coming out of her mouth is self-serving, and that saddens me immensely.

I will honor the initial terms of our deal unaltered. I will tell her that exposing our children to the OM waiting in the wings before they have had the opportunity to adjust to this new reality - (basically, anything less than a year, although I am sure that it will take much longer for them to adjust), will cause me to take what steps I feel are necessary to protect the children. That's not using them as a weapon or a wedge. That's a father protecting his young ones.

When discussing the situation two days ago, she mentioned that before marrying me, she should have thought things through more, determined my willingness to follow God more. That we started off on two different pages and never got on track. I intend to ask her to examine those facts and be honest with herself...her strong, stubborn self...does she want to do that again with a man willing to draw her away from a marriage relationship? This isn't DB. I know that. But knowing that this D is going to happen no matter what I do or say, I want to let her know that I remain concerned for her well-being. She is smart and emotionally intelligent enough to see truth when it's right in front of her.

I hope that this post illustrates that my anger has largely subsided. New thread here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2493388&#Post2493388

I am incredibly fortunate that I was already here as events unfolded. But, I wanted to save the marriage (and still do.) Where else would I land?

[paul19510]

Shake, what attracted you to your W initially? What did you fall in love with?

We all have baggage and she's got a lot. That's a facts from your description. Did that come in to play in your early R? Has she ever had C? What made her attractive as a partner to you?

What did she find attractive in you?

Shkspr, our W's have similar backgrounds and our reasons for finding them attractive are similar too. I certainly understand where you are coming from. During the spring of 14 my W finally told me sbe did not want to stay married. I chose not to stand any longer. It had been at least 10 years that we had struggled and i was tired. I know this now. I realize i didn't break W and can't fix W. She has never stated that she wants to do anything different than we do today. She continues to distance herself from friends and the life we had. Its her journey and i'm not invited. I am beginning to get it. I read a short book called No More Mr Nice Guy by Robrrt Glover. The book covers how to just be more of yourself and let others do as they need to. I didn't realize how much my efforts to "fix things" actually made me sick and made my sitch worse.

Met my wife in HS at Band Camp. Thought then that she was most beautiful girl in the room of 400 campers.

Respected her class and poise in spite of circumstances (orphaned, living in Christian children's home.)

When we reconnected in 1999, she was working hard at her Nursing degree and killing it as a single Mom. She worked out like crazy. I was still in the Army and expected that she would take care of her appearance long into the future. I loved the way she talked, the way she made me feel, her easy smile and gentle laugh.

Baggage effects: her 2nd ex-husband stalked her and threatened me over the phone (on post - he looked me up) within weeks of us dating. I think she found it very attractive when I told her that I was scared of no man and that my decisions about her wouldn't be affected by her abusive ex.

Her first ex withheld visitation of SS, now 19. It had a very negative effect on our entire marriage.

There's more, mostly in the same vein. Also, (this isn't good, but is true) - I found it attractive that she was vulnerable, needed saving, and I was just the man to do it. After all, I am honorable and would never screw this up, right? (Self-directed sarcasm intended.)

She found me physically attractive, liked that we had known each other off and on for years, and I was consistently the same guy. She enjoyed my intelligence and sense of humor. Thought that after many near misses for the two of us, it was finally coming together. Fate, whatever other romantic notions were there all played a role.

I apologize if this is too generic. Kinda hard to think about now when the EA is exposed and I am questioning everything I ever thought I knew about her.

OR WAS THAT THE POINT? labug, you sneaky devil.

[paul19510]

Sorry for my quote posting in the middle of the text. Trying to do this from my phone is my awkward than i thought. I hope you get what i wrote.

[Shakspr]

Thanks, Paul. I'll take a look at your stuff as well.