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Originally Posted By: Barrybran
Originally Posted By: mdu
So I just found out today that H still has feelings for OW.

From him? A third party? How did this come about?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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mdu Offline OP
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Starsky, he told me. We were discussing OW being in the office and I asked him about how he is feeling towards her at this point.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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And what did he say, exactly?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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mdu Offline OP
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He said that feelings have declined but he still has some. I said don't u think that interferes with our ability to reconcile. He insists no.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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mdu Offline OP
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I also told him it really concerns me with with him continuing to work there with these ongoing feelings. He said he is sorry i feel concerned but he will not change jobs


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
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Mdu, I understand where you're coming from about H's feelings towards OW. As mentioned several threads ago, you have a circle around you and you alone set the criteria for entrance into your circle. You're not comfortable with your husband having feelings towards OW while trying to reconcile your marriage and I respect that.

I have to congratulate your husband on sharing this information with you though. He could have, and previously would have, kept this to himself. Instead, he chose to answer the question honestly and did so knowing that you wouldn't like the answer but that transparency was important to you. Sure, it wasn't voluntary and you had to ask but from what you've described of your husband since day 1, about needing gentle prodding, this feels like progress to me.

How did you respond to this information in front of him? Did you keep yourself together or go off at him? As Maybell alluded to, your situation is still relatively young and you have responded amazingly well to the curveballs that have been thrown your way. I understand the need to reinforce your circle in light of this information. Suggesting that you may be done however may be premature. Have faith in your husband and yourself.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
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MDU,

Please try to remember that those feelings for the XOW are not going go away overnight. It will slowly peter off over several weeks/months. I remember when I broke off with an ex-GF two years ago, it took some time for me to get over her and move into the strictly friends zone.

You must see that H is opening up more and more to you. You would want that to continue for it is the opening of the window to you as his martial partner. That is a very positive and encouraging sign. Over time, the feelings for the XOW will fade away into nothingness.

Rome wasn't built in a day.

Trust the process and be real gentle with H. You have a lot going for you. Keep it up.

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mdu Offline OP
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Wonka, I hear you but H broke it off with OW SEVEN months ago. And while I get that her being in the office likely kicked a lot back up again so it's not really seven months I'm frankly just getting sick of the whole thing.

And no, I did NOT react well to H saying he still has feelings for OW. Honestly, I feel like I'm expected to be inhuman. Between this and what's happening with my Dad it's all too much.

Having said all that, I am still hanging in there and H appears to be too. Although once again he has pulled back because of my 'bad' behavior. I'll admit, I'm rolling my eyes a bit. It seems he can do whatever he wants and I need to find compassion, accept and forgive but yet he can't find it in himself to extend the same to me. It's not just the A I have working to forgive him for btw, it's so much more. He has abandoned me more times than I can count at this point, especially now with my father so ill.

Yesterday was actually our anniversary. And despite my obvious bitterness in this post I was able to put it aside for a few hours. We had a nice lunch together, chatting and generally seemed to enjoy each others company. We also started marriage counseling. That's a whole nother post! I think we're giving it our best shot but I'm still very uncertain where we will land. There's obviously a lot to get through.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 536
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Mdu, not to compare our situations as my W is not 100% 'in', but I thought of your situation after my MC session earlier this week. My W does not want to give up the group of friends she's become close with this past year during our S. My problem is- OM is a part of that group of friends. MC flipped the switch on me by recommending that I attend outings with the group of friends along with W to show solidarity in our M, as opposed to no contact. W seemed open to it, but I'm not sure how I feel about that just yet.

My point is- I can somewhat understand how you feel with your H still in contact with OW. Sounds like you're feeling defeated by H's recent admission that the feelings for OW are still there, but as Wonka pointed out, I think it will take some time for those feelings to dwindle.

I'll continue to follow your story and wish you the best. As an outsider, I truly think that you and H and progressing nicely, despite your recent discovery.



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mdu Offline OP
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Thanks for your input Tarheel! I especially appreciate your positive words.

Interestingly, I discovered during MC that H has a buttload of anger towards me. It worries me but in some ways I see it as encouraging, anger is certainly more positive than indifference.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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