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Amber;

Good luck to you. You may want to do some research on you your H's ED. At 54 it could be the symptom for something medically serious or not.

It also is probably a huge mental/emotional issue for him. I did a 200+ mile multi-day bicycle event and couldn't "get it up" for love or money for a week and a half. That really shook my self-image to the core, even thought I knew the cause and knew (or tried to convince myself) that it would go away with time, it made me very emotionally uncomfortable. I can only imagine what that must do for your H if he views it as "just his future statis quo."

If you combine his mental self-image issues with ED and your past LD, you might better understand why you recent "stepping it up" and just having fun in bed may be working so well for the two of you. It is proably taking a lot of mental pressure off of him and making him feel better about himself and his relationship with you. I hope that this 180 of yours is making you feel better and not a failure, as you are not a failure.

I would offer three other thoughts that might help. First, there may be ways to make ED-sex more interesting or fun for you and your H. There are penis pumps and something called an Aneros Helix Syn Prostate massager that can be used to give him either erections (the pump) or orgasms (prostate massager) without classic foreplay. You might want to learn about them or other non-traditional ways of gaining sexual intimacy and think about what you would feel comfortable with. It could be an even greater 180 for your relationship.

Second, your original complaint about being the only LD person resonated with me. This was something my wife said to me many many times. There is another relationship author (Schnarch) who likes to point out that there is LD/HD in every aspect of life. Some people in a marriage are LD when it comes to chocolate ice cream for dessert, some are HD when it comes to watching football on TV, some are LD at going out to operas or ballet. In every marriage, couples need to negotiate about the right balance; whether it is the amount of chocolate ice cream or football watching. There is no "right" amount or "normal" amount for either. What you and your husband need to do is figure out what works for the two of you and that can only be done through communication and experimentation. And that balance may change over time or from season to season.

My final suggestion is you may wish to find a board certified sex theapist to work with you. My wife and I did and it literally saved our marriage. It was really hard, but it speeded up the rebuilding of our marriage incredibly. Again, good luck and you sound like you are committed to saving your marriage. Good for you!


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
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Thank you SOOOOOO MUCH Young...what great suggestions...

I did go to an adult store with the purpose of getting a prostate massager...we've used it a couple times but he's not quite sure it's doing anything. It's really nothing more than a plug. So giving me an actual name of one, helps tremendously. Thank you for that.
We've talked about he pump, but I'm not so sure it's necessary...yes he has the ED, but we use the medication when needed (altho, that does't always seem to work)...and the other day, no meds were needed laugh

Your explanation of LD/HD in all areas makes perfect sense and we try to keep that balance as well. for ex: this weekend I am going to a drum circle (its for females only or he'd join me) and next weekend he (or we) will go to a car show. We are working on doing one person's 'thing' in a balanced way...rather than always doing what I/He wants on the w/ends and causing resentment.

lately the mantra "We're in this together" keeps going thru my head...even wrote it on the mirror the other day. I think it's finally hitting home with me that this man wants to be with me for the rest of his life! How amazing! And, of course, I want to be with him the rest of my life. I noticed recently that i tend to pull into myself, thinking (on a deeply subconscious level)that I have no one but me to count on. And that isn't true. my first H cheated with me, then on me (shocker, right?) When our M ended it was him telling me that he no longer wanted to be married (to which I internalized that I am not 'good enough' to be married to)...now this guy comes along, once bitten; twice shy about marriage due to his unfaithful wife of 24 yrs...and we fall in love and are together some 8 years before he pops the question and another 4 till we tied that knot...during those years, deep down I still felt that I wasn't good enough to marry. We recently celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary and I've come to realize that I am good enough, he does want to be married to me!

I know I'm rambling on, but these are some insights I'm having that may just be what has been holding be back from opening up and accepting that he and I are, in fact, in this together. And ya know what? It's not so scary.


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Originally Posted By: Amber
...I did go to an adult store with the purpose of getting a prostate massager...we've used it a couple times but he's not quite sure it's doing anything. It's really nothing more than a plug. So giving me an actual name of one, helps tremendously. Thank you for that.


We've talked about the pump...yes he has the ED,...and the other day, no meds were needed laugh

We are working on doing one person's 'thing' in a balanced way...rather than always doing what I/He wants on the w/ends and causing resentment.

...it's finally hitting home with me that this man wants to be with me for the rest of his life! How amazing! And, of course, I want to be with him the rest of my life.

...We recently celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary and I've come to realize that I am good enough, he does want to be married to me!

...may just be what has been holding (m)e back from opening up and accepting that he and I are, in fact, in this together. And ya know what? It's not so scary.


You sounds like you are working hard and getting it together. Good for you! He also sounds like he loves and values you, which is wonderful and will allow the two of you to work through things. Yes, that should make things "not to scary."

Some prostate massagers are like you say just a plug, others are medical grade devices that are really designed to stimulate. Sex stores are not always the best places to buy the later. You might read up and have your H readup on "male G spot or P spot" orgasms as they are intense and different from what he may be use to. If he had one there would be no doubt in your mind about "not quite sure it's doing anything." I can say that a lovingly administered prostate massage with my favorite gal turns me into an insatiable male slut. You sound like you are the kind of woman who could work it into your play with him and his ED. The manufacturer of the device I provided has a website with forums on how to use the device, you might be amused reading some of the "glowing rave reviews" and pick up a few tips in how to incorporate its use into into a fun couples thing. It can be used to create real intimacy.

You might also look at some of the support group advice for spouses of prostate cancer survivors as many have H's with much more serious ED problems than you H (yeah no med's) and yet those couples can find intimacy and ways of having good sex. (I know some survivors of prostate cancer, but I am not one of them.)

When my W was in individual sex therapy for some of her issues, her sex therapist recommended a book, Still sexy after all these years, for her to read and my wife was so impressed that she had me read it. It was a bit depressing for me (the author assumed that older women just were less sexual), but also kind of inspirational in that there were specific stories of various women and how they found ways of retaining sensuality and sometimes sexuality despire lost spouses, self-imposed celbacey, or issues related to medical problems.

Other books on sex and aging I have read also stress that sexuality between a husband and wife is something that changes over time, what was great when you were in your 20's may not be best when you are in your 70's (Daaauh!). There are interesting books and websites on sex and aging and the lifecycle of the penis. One of the things that really helped me was that the sex therapist that advised my wife and I was an expert in sex and aging and gave us some thoughts on that.

Good for you on trading to find balance in different aspects of your life. The whole LD/HD thing can be a bit much when it focuses just on sex and not your whole life.

The key to a happy changing sex life seems to be to communicate openly about what you need or want and experiment (and playfully laugh when things don't work) so that you find things that you can incorporate into what you do together. One of the problems in SSM's is that each sexual experience sometimes becomes too important or too rare to just play and see if things work. Shifting gears so that sex becomes playful can completely change the perspective within an SSM for both partners. So you might want to talk to your H about how you can play with him to tease & please him and what he can do during that playing to make it even more special for you. And also talk to him about how you can both clearly communicate when you want to change what you had been doing to something else. Again finding balance that works for the two of you is the goal.

Your closing about realizing that you are in it together, means that you and your H are likely to figure out ways to re-ignite your relationship. Keep up the good work and enjoy!


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
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I'm still here...just been busy dealing with other things.
I'm premenstrual (and i have some serious issues with this)so my H is being as patient as he can be.

meanwhile, i'm still reading...Y@H's story is fascinating to me...I can very well relate to his wife.

H and I are going to looking into a sex therapist. He is reading SSM and i'm glad for that. smile

I know that we both want this to work out and find a proper compromise/remedy. I think that is awesome...that we both want it.

My sister in law, on the other hand, is finding no compromise with my LD brother. I feel for them, but I can't fix their relationship. smirk

Thanks all...I'll be around.


A


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Originally Posted By: LDWIFE1
I'm still here...just been busy dealing with other things.

...H and I are going to looking into a sex therapist. He is reading SSM and i'm glad for that. smile

I know that we both want this to work out and find a proper compromise/remedy. I think that is awesome...that we both want it....A


Congratulations. I think you have a very good chance on saving your marriage. It takes two and you seem like you are digging in. Having your spouse reading SSM is huge! Way to go. Just remember healing a marriage is a marathon and not a sprint. It will take time and both of you.


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
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Thanks Y@H!
I think we have a great chance of continuing to have the best marriage we can have. smile

We both agree that this is the healthiest relationship either one of us has ever had...and I believe it is because we aren't afraid to see a MC and discuss our feelings/differences and learn how to properly communicate. smile

we have a busy weekend ahead of us...dealing with our house in another state and planting a tree in memory of our angel grand-daughter.

we have intimacy, hugs, holding hands, caresses...alot. we are always touching each other...not sure how much intercourse will happen over the next week...and i'm not really worried about it.

thanks for the reminder that it's a marathon...time takes time.

Peace,
A


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There can be a huge differnce between a MC and a sex therapist. This is the SSM forum, your H has some ED issues, I would really recommend a sex therapist. They usually are skilled in MC and have advanced training in sexual issues. A AASECT sex therapist helped save my marriage which was an SSM.

MWD has a page on finding a MC. Finding an MC
There are two major Sex Theapy groups: the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) or the American Academy of Sexologists.
Selecting a Sex Therapist
Directory for Am Academy of Sexologists


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
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Just read this thread. Wow. I wish my wife had made half the effort I've seen described here. She chucked our sex life out the window years ago, even so I still hung on being the best husband I could. I worked on meeting all of her needs that she could describe, but no matter, she is divorcing me anyway. I know the lack of sex affected my mood and at times I was no fun to be around, but the lack of sex (outright denial) in a marriage for a person that needs it can really create a dark cloud that makes it hard to see through the fog. Sounds like you have worked really hard to make your H see sunshine. Good for you and God bless you. :-)


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Originally Posted By: FunDad
...even so I still hung on being the best husband I could. I worked on meeting all of her needs that she could describe, but no matter, she is divorcing me anyway...


Fun Dad; Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy? After rereading MWD's SSM book I would recommend that one. Also if you are grieving the loss of your marriage, there are usually 5 steps to working through grief. You sound like you have worked through denial and bargaining and maybe even anger. But depression or sadness is a big step toward acceptance. GAL really helps you deal with depression and sadness which are normal parts of the grief process.

Good luck to you.


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
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Thank you Y@H for that info. we do have a number for a sex therapist...looks like i may be the one who has to make the initial call and appointment.

this weekend wasn't good. frown

I'm really frustrated with his ED and so is he, but i feel that he is still in the blaming stage...seems it's my fault when it doesn't work. I know it isn't, but in the moment, that really hurts, angers and frustrates me.

in the non sex part of our relationship we are doing well...bonding over some things that we are both going thru with his daughter and our house in another state, etc. Also, taking Tai Chi classes together. smile

I didn't forget about this site...i'm in and out (haha, no pun intended)

Peace


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