The only diff I see between me and most others is that this is W's 3rd D and her history definitely indicates that when she's done with someone (not just romantic Rs), she's DONE.
I think Bond has a point ... and the one thing I thought of right off the bat was this ... there is a BIG difference ... she has not been with anyone else for 15 years has she? Not by the simple math that I could put together. I know when I discovered the EA/PA I was done ... like you.. then the emotions settled and I had to admit I still loved her, Love is a choice, you can only control you. All you can do now is get those emotions together and be smart about this. It [censored] ... but if you still want the M ... don't make the mistakes that at this point would be SO easy to do ... you are here, and like all of us the EA/PA is a strong possibility, it will fade out like they all do, when it does ... its your opportunity to have put the work in on yourself and have become a better you ... for YOU
I think Bond has a point ... and the one thing I thought of right off the bat was this ... there is a BIG difference ... she has not been with anyone else for 15 years has she? Not by the simple math that I could put together. I know when I discovered the EA/PA I was done ... like you.. then the emotions settled and I had to admit I still loved her, Love is a choice, you can only control you. All you can do now is get those emotions together and be smart about this.
Caliguy, that was a breath of fresh air. Big diff between a shared life of 15 years and her two prior marriages that lasted no more that 3, and less than 1.
When I exposed the EA (I'm calling it that from here on out because I don't have enough proof to the contrary), I mentioned to my wife that she had a track record (I know, horrible, bad, bad, Shakes)as she and I had seen each other, and kissed, prior to her divorce being final from 1st H. She said, "And what kind of man does that make you." I said, "A sinful, and much younger man when I did that." But, ultimately, I never followed through with building a relationship back then (1997). We reconnected in late 1999.
Wish now, that I had said, "What kind of man does that make your new man - who's older than either of us?"
Of course, I don't have to. She can figure that out on her own.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Humiliation, even if only I know it, is incredibly hard to bear.
His Shakespr,
I'm glad that the tone of your posts today seem to indicate you're doing a little bit better. I meant to respond to this particular post yesterday. As a fellow LBS, I can tell you there is a complex wash of emotions in this situation, but "humiliation", absolutely, positively should not be one of them.
I'm sure you did things wrong in your marriage. I did things wrong in mine. But our marriages should live and die on their own merits without other people (affairs) being brought into the mix.
At the beginning I had the usual insecure thoughts that the OW must be better, younger, more attractive , more fun etc. All of that is hogwash. My husband should be embarrassed he had an affair. I have nothing to be embarrassed or humiliated about. And I plan on keeping it that way.
Oh, I hadn't read Starsky's stuff to know that there had been reconciliation. I just read the chocolateeyes threads and thought that it was over...completely, irretrievably, over.
Yikes! OK, so I see I didn't make it clear that Starsky's story had a happy ending. Even Mrs. Starsky has posted on the forums a couple of times after they reconciled.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
1) sticking to the 24 hr rule before responding to anything inflammatory. Some things about recent EA revelations will affect my children, and I need to address that before D. But not immediately. It can wait.
2) set a boundary: asked wife to stop asking me how I'm doing as all it does is remind me of how I'm doing. She respected and accepted that.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Shake, what attracted you to your W initially? What did you fall in love with?
We all have baggage and she's got a lot. That's a facts from your description. Did that come in to play in your early R? Has she ever had C? What made her attractive as a partner to you?
What did she find attractive in you?
Met my wife in HS at Band Camp. Thought then that she was most beautiful girl in the room of 400 campers.
Respected her class and poise in spite of circumstances (orphaned, living in Christian children's home.)
When we reconnected in 1999, she was working hard at her Nursing degree and killing it as a single Mom. She worked out like crazy. I was still in the Army and expected that she would take care of her appearance long into the future. I loved the way she talked, the way she made me feel, her easy smile and gentle laugh.
Baggage effects: her 2nd ex-husband stalked her and threatened me over the phone (on post - he looked me up) within weeks of us dating. I think she found it very attractive when I told her that I was scared of no man and that my decisions about her wouldn't be affected by her abusive ex.
Her first ex withheld visitation of SS, now 19. It had a very negative effect on our entire marriage.
There's more, mostly in the same vein. Also, (this isn't good, but is true) - I found it attractive that she was vulnerable, needed saving, and I was just the man to do it. After all, I am honorable and would never screw this up, right? (Self-directed sarcasm intended.)
She found me physically attractive, liked that we had known each other off and on for years, and I was consistently the same guy. She enjoyed my intelligence and sense of humor. Thought that after many near misses for the two of us, it was finally coming together. Fate, whatever other romantic notions were there all played a role.
I apologize if this is too generic. Kinda hard to think about now when the EA is exposed and I am questioning everything I ever thought I knew about her.
OR WAS THAT THE POINT? labug, you sneaky devil.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
No, it wasn't the point. I'll let Labug speak for herself but the point is that to fix or at least understand where things went wrong you have to know where you were when they were good.
I wish I understood men better. How you are responding to this is so different from how I felt when I found out.
Sending you a big ol' validating hug.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell, I have a twisty mind and perhaps I worded that poorly. Thinking about when things were good was a nice change from my current thought cycle. labug did get me to stop focusing on the EA itself, if only for a moment. She continues to encourage me not to act from wrath nor from my place of pain.
It was definitely more productive than some of my other recent thoughts.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Its really easy to get all twisted up with what we say and what we mean especially when there is a lot going on to mess with our heads. I think focusing on what was good is probably a good thing as it means our actions and decisions will come from that warmer place.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Shakspr, I think you've been quite eloquent (!!). It just really hurts to watch that searing pain close up and I wish I could do something about it. I just remember feeling utterly numb. The second time the OW's baby daddy outed them I actually lost a few seconds, though I didn't hit the floor so I mustn't have passed out.
In spite of how much you've had to be talked off the ledge by people here, I think your anger has been really, really healthy. You may have spared yourself some of the of the dragged-out misery I've been through in the last... Sixteen months already? I'm so glad you were already here when you found out so you could have good guidance. No matter what happens you're going to have a great outcome.
I hope you have a good, good day today.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
