How HER crisis changed ME

[Delboy]

Hi Tad, You really do need to get help with your lack of sleep, you better go and see a DR.

Lack of sleep just increases negative thoughts etc.



Love

Delboy

[MrBond]

Tad,

The biggest issue is that you never GAL'd in a healthy manner. GAL is supposed to get you stronger - mentally, physically, emotionally, etc. The fact that you still have that anger and resentment eating away at you like a cancer shows that you aren't anywhere near that.

In the end it's not your W that's going to suffer by you not being there. It will be you and your son.

Are you still going to the C? This is when you have to get some kind of coping advice from her. Make an appointment ASAP. You need the help.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you Delboy and MrBond.

The sleep has been a little better the past few nights. I'm still not getting what I need, but I'll take 3 or 4 hours over just 1 any day.:)

I've been trying to GAL even if it's just going out by myself once a week. I've made a point to go out atleast once every week for the past three weeks. It really isn't fun going by myself, but atleast it is something. A woman I work with wants to take me to Tucson to check out the observatory there. We have a lot in common including our love for astronomy. I may go.

Even though I do not want to see XW, I will be going to S21's show on the 15th. If I run into her, I'll be nice. Easier said than done, but I will try.

I see my counselor again on Tuesday.

I have a memory box by my bed. I started it when my grandmother got sick in 2001. I never open the box or even go through it unless I am putting something in there. It contains some very sentimental things from my grandmother, my mother and brother....things that I held onto from around the time of their deaths. Cards, letters, important papers, stuff like that. Today I had to get into it because the place that is taking care of my grandfather needed some financial information. While going through it, I came across a very loving letter that XW gave to me right before my grandmother died. I wanted to read it so bad....I wanted to throw it away so bad.....after reading the first few words, I decided to fold it up, and put it back in there. I decided that it wouldn't do me any good reading it. I do remember it being a very loving letter. Reading it would just make me wish that she still felt that way.

I also came across a copy of a letter that I had written to my grandmother less than a week before she died. It basically told her how I looked up to her and how I consider her my hero. She loved it so much that she was actually buried with it. I didn't read this one either, but I remembered the look on her face the day that she read it...the tears of joy and happiness in her eyes....the cry that we had together after she read it.

It is funny how grief works. My grandmother died 13 years ago tomorrow (October 1). I ended up having a good cry for her today....13 years later. Not about XW...but for my grandmother. My hero.

Is that weird? Or maybe something that I needed?

Sorry to ramble.

Tad

[MrBond]

Ramble on. That's how you heal. This is the right path. Carry on my friend. Start hanging out with people from work. Allow yourself to open up and trust others again. BUT always understand that the chance of getting hurt will always be there. However that is not ALWAYS the case.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks MrBond. I'm trying. Really wish I could just snap out of it and be totally done with her, but I know that is not the case.

Today was the 13th anniversary of my grandmother's death. I plan to visit her grave in the next day or so.

This time of year is really rough for me for many reasons:

Start of the holidays
My uncle died
My grandmother died
We buried my brother
Wife told me she wanted a divorce
Divorce was final

ALL in October

Plus...my mom, who passed away this past January, shared her birthday with me on the 25th of October.

I really do hate this time of year. It may sound crazy, but I can even feel it in the air. I really can.

Found out tonight that a bunch of XW's family is going to be at S21's show on the 15th. Me? I'm sure I'll be sitting alone.

I'm going out tomorrow night. I don't know what I'm doing yet, but I'll think of something.

Tad

[ericmsant2]

Tad

Found out tonight that a bunch of XW's family is going to be at S21's show on the 15th. Me? I'm sure I'll be sitting alone.

I have 3 ideas.....

1) Ask someone to go with you - even if it is a co worker.

2) Go dressed as a women so your ex would not know it is you

3) Hire an escort to go with you. A total knock out. It would be worth the money......to see the look on your ex face.

Okay, just kidding about # 3.

On a serious note, you sound a lot better dude. The Oct blues will pass man. November will be here in no time.

[uRworthy]

Hey Tad. I'm sorry this is a tough time of year for you. Here's a thought, do something different in October. Plan a trip every year..even if it is just a day trip. Or do something really special with your sons and make it a tradition. Make this time of year something other than a sad one.

Go with the woman to the conservatory. It sounds like a new friend you can make and you have something in common. Just do it, Tad. Sometimes you have to take the first step even when you cant see the whole staircase, ya know?

It really would be good for you to go out with people some of the time. You said you have an interest in astronomy. Is there a class you can take or a meetup with that interests or others you may have.

I know by me the library has some stuff for adults and it's free or the parks department and the fee is small. You have to think outside the box a little and just go for it.

You can do it, Tad.

As far as going to see your son. I would be dressed fine. I would walk in there with my head held high because you have nothing to be ashamed of. Show confidence even if you have to fake it. Can you go with one of your other sons?

Sometimes you have to take the first step even when you cant see the whole staircase, ya know?

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Eric and Ur.

I will go, look nice and behave. I really hope she says nothing to me.

I realized earlier today that when I was in my memory box the other day, I did not see my grandparents' wedding rings. My grandmother gave me her ring right before she died and my grandfather gave me his because he wanted them to be together.

So....

I looked in the box for them today.

They are GONE. Both of them.



Who would steal them?

Now that I think of it, they've been gone a while because I haven't even really looked into that box since before XW's MLC started. The last time I remember seeing them was before the MLC hit.

My grandparents' wedding rings.

GONE.

Wow.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Just checking in....

Still haven't found out what happened to my grandparents' wedding rings and probably never will. I think they somehow were stolen/lost during all of the chaos at the end of 2010 and through 2011. God knows there was chaos....

I'm going to my son's show this Wednesday. XW will be there and I am dreading it. I'm going for him though. I'm going to have to get used to it I guess. He also has a show planned for November and one for December. XW will be at those too. Ug.....She seems to be trying to reconnect with the boys lately. I could be wrong though.

Still seeing my counselor for now. I was telling her about this site and she suggested something that I thought was crazy at first. She suggested that I go back and read some of my early posts. So, the past few days I've been reading them when I have a spare moment or two. I've actually started compiling them and making one big document out of them. Some things that I noticed:

1- For some reason, it has almost been therapeutic. Not sure why.

2 - It didn't hurt reading them as much as I thought it would. Yes, reading them sucked and hurt, but not like I thought that it would.

3 - There was a lot that I had forgotten about. I mean A LOT.

4 - Some of the postings do not even sound like me. They don't sound like me at all. I figure either I was in a pretty thick fog myself or I've just changed that much. It was weird reading them....not me at all.

5 - The thing that upset me the most - realizing how much I did wrong. I was so hurt/scared/upset....I just did so much wrong. It makes me really p!ssed at myself.

Oh well....that's all for now. I'll check in after my son's show...

Take care.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
I'm glad your therapist suggested that you go back and re-read your old postings because it will show you just how far you've come from the day your world was rocked. There is a saying that goes like this "sometimes you have to go back in order to move forward". This is so true for so many who come here and post.

You've come a long way from those earlier dark days. Yes, it is very therapeutic to revisit the past and you are strong and wise enough now to re-read them and see where you once were and were you are now.

As for the shows, go for your son and leave your xw to her own little drama. I'm sure the place will be big enough that you will not have to be in constant contact w/her.

You've come a long way...continue moving forward.