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Hi Bklyn....


I totally SEE that... AND I am not ready either, just yet... I just wanted to work towards a common goal..

I see it buying it on my own is an end to what was... this makes me sad.

I see your point in Living in the NOW!! I need to stop living in the future and the past.

Live in the NOW!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He replies:

I can appreciate that 100% I wish it was easier for me and you... Struggle is a good choice of words. Try to be happy with the victories we have had.

Last edited by makingmagic; 10/02/14 02:31 AM.

M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
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My observations upon catching up:

The whole idea of outlasting the MLC is why I never visited this board before. I know others who took the same approach and were still in limbo years later with nothing really changed. This seems to be what's going on with you.

You're fond of saying that you've changed a lot but in reading random posts throughout your tenure here I see the same things: you push for something, he says too much pressure, you back off and things are back to the status quo.

Matt165 (upthread) doesn't have it quite right. You don't need to *act like you're independent* you need to *BE* independent. Right now all of your actions and feelings are really reactions to his actions and feelings. You're not captain of your own ship. No one will make you a priority unless and until you make you a priority.

You say that you want a better relationship than you had before but you don't require him or yourself to take action that will lead to this better relationship. Sounds like you're chomping at the bit to resume the old relationship and he's not even ready for that. If he knows you'll hang around indefinitely then why would he change? There's no motivation.

Are you being honest with yourself regarding marriage? I was with my BF for eight years at the time of his affair. I told people that I didn't want to get married because I didn't need the piece of paper, we were together because we wanted to be and not because we were legally obligated. And that was mostly true, especially in the beginning. But as the years went by and our circumstances changed I wanted to get married. When I brought it up he said that we were better off financially being single and that was the end of the discussion. So I didn't bring it up anymore. When we were reconciling and really being honest he told me that he had wanted to get married but I was so independent that he thought I didn't. Major lack of communication. When I decided that I wanted to stay with him I told him that one of my requirements was marriage. I now needed us to make that formal, legal commitment to each other. We were married by the end of the year.

Bottom line is that you two are not on the same page of what you want and how you're going to get there.


If you love somebody, set them free.
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MM

Please read what Pearl wrote up there ^^^^^^

Have you ever considered…….

If you love something let it go. Love it enough to find what it is looking for. Also love yourself enough to find YOU.

From where I sit, you will continue with the current cycle – until one of two things happen.

1) You finally realize what is happening to you and decide for YOURSELF that this is not the life you want for YOU.
Or

2) You continue on in the current cycle, until one day…you realize that he is may never change.

Einstein definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I’m sure you are going to tell me that you have changed and yes you have changed some things about yourself. I feel though the changes were never for YOU – they were done as a tactic to get HIM back. When you finally come to accept and love YOURSELF (faults and all), you will come to realize that YOU matter, you will see this cycle, this game that he plays.

Now I bet you…..the business deal will not happen for say….another year, then it will be another excuse.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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HI Pearl,

Thank you for your comments.... I totally AGREE!!!

Matt... the changes I made were always for ME, so that I could be stronger to handle whatever it is that I need to do for me. It was never a tactic (that doesn't work).

As for options 1 or 2... I feel that once I buy my own place, options #1, 2 may happen or that #3 (the unknown) will present itself.... therefore, I MUST by my own place & soon. It just feels like I am closing a door on him , if I buy on my own. Like he didn't "man up/grow up" soon enough and I will resent this.... so I have been procrastinating.

As for the business deal.. I guess we will both have to wait and see. He did mention it again last night that he wants to get it completed before we go any further with our relationship.....so "lets see".


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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Originally Posted By: makingmagic
HI Pearl,

Thank you for your comments.... I totally AGREE!!!



That's it? Wow.


We have held up Pearl as an example (rightfully) of someone here whose:

a) situation fit yours very well; and

b) successfully reconciled her relationship, AND

c) it led to the long-term commitment (MARRIAGE) that she wanted.

I've posted links to her sitch, and tried -- based on my memory and understanding of her sitch -- provide you with tips and examples of what WORKED for her, so you can hopefully get "unstuck" in yours.

And I went and found her, on the alt, which took me a couple of months but I ask her to come here and try to help you, and she takes the time to do so, and reads much of your sitch and she gives you insights (albeit tough ones), and . . .

You don't even have a single question for her?

Wow.

MM, you really don't strike me as someone who even WANTS to learn how to improve her situation here. You make excuses for your xBF and rationalize away nearly all of the advice you get (or pass it off with a simple "I agree!"), and you remain . . . STUCK.

You come back after a long hiatus, after multiple people challenged you on your approach and your thinking, some of which who sent you some VERY loving (and lengthy) posts, trying to encourage you and challenge you and help you. And you come back with virtually no explanation as to why you were gone so long, or why you ignored their posts, instead seemingly just wanting to resume as if nothing had happened.

For a woman who claims to know what Pearlharbr was trying to do in her sitch, I sure find it odd (and more than a little rude) that you didn't even ASK her when she took the time to come here to try to help you.

I honestly don't think any of us can. I certainly can't.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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MM

If you truly understood and believed in YOUR worth…..

Quote:
Like he didn't "man up/grow up" soon enough and I will resent this


This ^^^^ would not be a FEAR of YOURS.


I suspect that if you go and read Pearl, that you will find someone the truly dropped the rope. The learned her own self worth and KNEW that she was worth MORE. You have never left your BF for any extended period of time. You have never really dropped the rope. You never really allowed him to miss you and realize what HIS life would be without YOU in it. WHY? IMO, because you love HIM more than yourself and because coming to the realization that you actually may need to start over is too overwhelming for you. I get it. I get that FEAR paralyzes you. I get that you FEEL that HE is the best thing for YOU. I get that the thought of walking away from a business that you helped build [censored].

What I hope you see one day…is the longer you stay on the Ferris wheel the longer YOU prolong YOUR pain. The longer YOU sit in limbo. I have said to you before that YOU decide when this is over. Many have said to you…that you need to let go. You refuse to. You hold on to him….to every word he says….to every “maybe” her gives you….to every crumb he drops. Cause ya do not want to let go.

The funny thing is……you have not tried it. You have not even given truly letting go a shot. What if…….when you finally said to him. I have accepted that you cannot give me what I want. I will no longer wait for you. Good luck and god Bless you. Let’s move forward with splitting the business (even if that means that you get less)…and then MM….you begin to piece your life back together. You begin the live the words that you yourself write. What if….trying something different yields a different result.

Then again….

You can stay on the Merry Go Round….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Stop! Wait….he just threw a crumb….let me bend down and pick it up. Okay. Great. Wait…I want more. Okay he said no that is pressure. Time to get back on.

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Fast forward…3 years…..

Stop. He said he loves me. YIPEE. It is a crumb. I did it. I outlasted him. Yipee. Wait….oh no….oh no….he is saying it too much pressure. Time to get back on.

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….


Fast forward…3 more years…..

STOP! Holy cow I need to start thinking about retirement. Okay…lemme ask him. BF, do you think we can discuss the business and what is owed to me? I am getting older and I need to think about how I am gonna live. What? You’ll take care of me. Oh..okay but can we still figure out how I can get what I am owed? What? That is too much pressure? Okay…lemme get back on…..

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….

Round and round she goes….


Fast forward…10 more years…..

Whew…I am tired. Been on this freaking Ferris wheel so damn long. What is that BF? What? Your not feeling well? What…your gonna shut the business down and move to timbuktoo? Great. When do we leave? What do you mean I can’t come? Wait…what about my share of the business? Wait…I believed you? I thought…but you said…. That is not right – I was waiting this out. Waiting for your MLC to end. What is that? I can’t hear you? Did you just say to me that I CHOOSE to wait? No…no…this is your fault…all your fault…come back here….come back here….stop….stop…. (thinking to herself…MM says….”I get him”…”I’ll get him”). Ummm…yes HI I am looking for my BF, he has vanished. Can you help me find him? What…he moved where? WTF……WTF……


MM – read this slowly…………very slowly…….

Is this what you want?

It is time MM, time to put on your big girl panties and finally stand up for what YOU want.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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I am at work...so this will have to be short, for now:

WOW Starsky... ouch!... I AGREE with her... allow me some time to process and resonate for a bit. <<< this is something that Job had asked me to learn & do...

Eric....
"You have never left your BF for any extended period of time. You have never really dropped the rope. You never really allowed him to miss you and realize what HIS life would be without YOU in it. WHY? "... <<<< Because its impossible to do while we own a business together. Owning a business together means we see & speak to each other several times through out the day. I do keep it "business like" while at work... I did allow the time/space for him to realize what his life would be like without me...hence the reason he feels he is back (I'M IRREPLACEABLE! .... said this again TODAY).

WHY? IMO, because you love HIM more than yourself and because coming to the realization that you actually may need to start over is too overwhelming for you. I get it. I get that FEAR paralyzes you. I get that you FEEL that HE is the best thing for YOU. I get that the thought of walking away from a business that you helped build [censored]. ... <<<< If I walk away from the business, then I cannot afford the house I am aiming to purchase..... TO BE INDEPENDENT! I will need to find a way to manage this business and a house.

June 13... I did exactly that Eric... I dropped the rope & backed off completely, telling him that I wasn't waiting anymore & showing him by not accepting his offers of getting together, etc... ... it was from this position that he started moving forward towards me... leading us to where we are now.

Yesterday, He mentioned that he does not want marriage. I nodded as acknowledgment & acceptance.. Then he restated that he may want marriage. That he just doesn't know. I don't know where that comes from as we weren't talking about marriage AT ALL. I never said a word. Today, he says that he wants the time to build our relationship and have some fun... That he realizes that its not so easy "out there" finding another therefore he wants to make an effort towards us.

He feels that we are just a couple weeks into "seeing how it goes" & its going well. But my pressure of wanting more (at this time) is wrecking our start...

How is this crumbs, really?

I get that I am to be careful & to make sure that I get what I want along the way... but, isn't this a step in the right direction? Bkln Mom seemed to think so... and for me not to add pressure (I can see her point)

All of the above advice is about me letting go & leaving him... the timing of those statements make no sense to me. Why would I let go again now & bail out on the beginnings now when he is moving in the right direction...finally!
~~~~~~~~~~~

I really need to process more & I will have questions for Pearl. I have a lot to think about & a house to consider.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
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"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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Why, because all of this is about you becoming the better person, for you! Not the other person.


Edited for your protection.
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Quote:
That he realizes that its not so easy "out there" finding another therefore he wants to make an effort towards us.


Wow. What a compliment.

How do you not see this as accepting crumbs?


If you love somebody, set them free.
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BINGO Pearl.

MM - read what you wrote....or his comment. I may be wrong but here is what I see.

"He realizes that its not so easy "out there" finding another therefore he wants to make an effort towards us"

Here is my interpretation of his statement......


Well RIGHT NOW you are the best I can do (cause I know I can manipulate you)...so you should be honor to be with me...so yeah...you can see me.

You deserve so much more that this. If only you could see it.

Said another way....Me? Personally....I would only date someone who WANTS to be with me - NOT because it is "hard out there". That statement if said to me, would make me feel like I am the second option....and I will NOT be someone's back up plan. F dat!


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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