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Hi. Just an update. Wife looking at flats tomorrow Has got deposit from father. Her father called me today for the first time since it all started. He only seems to have part of the story and was very sympathetic He told me W was heading back to M but after my run in with her EA friend W dosent think we can get back and needs to get away. FIL was concerned for children and fiancée and was very supportive. I explained that a deprecation was not what I wanted but it was W wish so I had no choice. After call I went back to house and W told me she is very sorry that she feels she has to leave but it's something she has to do She was crying and said she already thinks it's a big mistake but she wants to do it. I validated her feelings and told it's not what I want but ok. She gave me a big hug. Not. Normal. I can only continue to work on me and care for our children. A has also asked if she can call on me if needed. I told her I wouldn't see her stuck but it's not as if we can be friends. She said she is treating it as a trial separation and wants to be able to comeback to me and the kids. Very sad to hear al of this but believe nothing and 50 % of what she does and she is leaving. Any comments gratefully recieved.

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Another update. W has found flat Moving in about a week. She told her boss and I feel now it's out of the bag. I have been busy with kids and changing bills etc to my name. Very down as W leaving now a reality She has spent last two evenings with me watching films for a couple of hours each night. W is talking to me about move as if I'm her best friend Ask opinion and yesterday she asked could she come home if she gets scared at night she also said she feels as if she could be home n a few days. !!!!!! I'm just validating all she says but not asking her to stay just telling her that I don't want her to leave her home W and I are talking and acting like everything is ok and if you were a fly on our wall you would think myself and W were a happy married couple. Is this normal as she plans to leave. ?

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hi everyone, if you have any feedback please do comment, this morning I was getting kids ready for school and she seemed very strong willed and told me that she is looking for work and hopes to be able to help with money towards kids, I said that would be great but not to struggle herself. We chatted about some small issues and she said she wants the house sold, I told her I would sell but after 6 months to give the kids time to adjust to W being away. W did not argue and we chatted about her car, etc I would normally look after that side of things but as shes leaving she is dealing with it herself. As I left to take the kids to school she called me back into the kitchen and she was crying and said this is all a mess, I told her I would be on the mobile if she needed to talk. She also told me (eariler) that she would no longer be seeing I/C (that we both see as an I/C) as she didn't need to. My questions for the pros on here are,

1/ Obviously W is very upset and not 100% sure of what she is about to do

How do I react, at the moment I am validating her feelings and agree to most things that I feel are resonable but I feel alot of what she is saying is a cry for help, do I try to help ?

2/ W's family are very worried about her, re a breakdown as this is taking a toll on her health.

I have told W I think she needs someone to talk to as this is a very stressfully time. I have said this while stressing that I am also getting support / help with I/C. so as not make W think I am saying there is something wrong with her.

3/ After 25 years of being her best frienf its very hard to dettach and I feel that I am pushing her away by not helping with car, flat, etc. I know that she has to make her own mistakes but what about the pushing away ?

4/ Wife has made these comments over the last few days and while I take them with a pinch of salt, could there be something behind them ?

I wish things could go back the way they were but its to late

I am not seperating, I just need my space to figure things out.

I will not be seeing anyone romantically but if you feel you need to then I will accept that.

I think I am making a big mistake but I have to leave

I might be back in a couple of days and thats why I am taking a cheap flat so if I lose the deposit it won't matter.

There are others along these lines but the above will give you an idea.

Thanks for taking the time to read and hopefully comment.

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Personally, a lot of this stuff is on W. She's making her choices and she has to deal with their consequences. If it's effecting her adversely, that's not on you. You're not pushing her away so much as letting her see the role you've played in her life and how things will change if she goes - it's up to her to decide if she wants to lose that or not, but you can't convince her.

I'd validate her feelings and offer support (like you did when you told her that you were seeing IC and it's helped you), but then let it go. She's a big girl. She knows you'll be there for her if she comes seeking you and actively wants to work on your R, but until then, your role as a WAS is to better yourself, not worry about fixing her issues now; because you can't.




BF:40 M:33
SD: 12
T: 8, never married, no kids together
BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try".
PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
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I am no expert but it looks like she is processing this sitch and "thinking out loud".
She is right, things cannot and should not go back to the way they were.
The second comment sounds like she is justifying her actions. She IS separating.
The third comment is a flat out lie if she is in a EA.
The 4th comment is her showing her insecurities. She is afraid and hurting.
Her last comment sounds like she is making sure plan B (you, and home) are still available.

I could be totally wrong. Those are just my observations. I have heard a few of those comments myself.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
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Thanks Two sided Coin, I sort of know the comments from her are just her not been 100% behind her decsion but its a decsion shes made so if not 100% then she must be close to it. The dettachment part is the big one for me as I wnat it to work out so much. I will carry on DBing and hang to the thought that one day I will be happy again. I am very grateful for you comments.

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1/ Obviously W is very upset and not 100% sure of what she is about to do

How do I react, at the moment I am validating her feelings and agree to most things that I feel are reasonable but I feel a lot of what she is saying is a cry for help, do I try to help ?

NOPE. SHE'S GOING TO HAVE TO HELP HERSELF. LISTEN AND VALIDATE IS ALL YOU CAN DO. SHE HAS TO GO THROUGH THIS JOURNEY ON HER OWN.

2/ W's family are very worried about her, re a breakdown as this is taking a toll on her health.

I have told W I think she needs someone to talk to as this is a very stressfully time. I have said this while stressing that I am also getting support / help with I/C. so as not make W think I am saying there is something wrong with her.

THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. SHE'S STRESSED BECAUSE OF THE MESS SHE HAS MADE? THAT'S CALLED LIVING WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS. AGAIN, THIS IS SOMETHING SHE HAS TO PROCESS ON HER OWN. DON'T OFFER ADVICE -- SHE MAY READ THE WRONG THING INTO IT AND PUSH YOU AWAY FURTHER.

3/ After 25 years of being her best frienf its very hard to dettach and I feel that I am pushing her away by not helping with car, flat, etc. I know that she has to make her own mistakes but what about the pushing away ?

YOU'RE NOT PUSHING HER AWAY, YOU'RE FOCUSING ON THE ONE THING YOU CAN CONTROL AND IMPROVE RIGHT NOW -- YOURSELF. THAT'S ALL.

4/ Wife has made these comments over the last few days and while I take them with a pinch of salt, could there be something behind them ?

DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING THEY SAY -- REMEMBER?

I wish things could go back the way they were but its to late.
(I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY.)

I am not seperating, I just need my space to figure things out.
THIS IS BS -- AND PART OF THE SCRIPT USED BY PEOPLE IN AFFAIRS -- JUST A HEADS UP.

I will not be seeing anyone romantically but if you feel you need to then I will accept that.
THIS IS A WAY FOR HER TO ALLEVIATE HER GUILT ABOUT CONDUCTING AN AFFAIR, LIKELY -- AGAIN, JUST A HEADS UP

I think I am making a big mistake but I have to leave.
NO COMMENT

I might be back in a couple of days and thats why I am taking a cheap flat so if I lose the deposit it won't matter.
NO COMMENT

There are others along these lines but the above will give you an idea.

Thanks for taking the time to read and hopefully comment.

MY H HAS SAID JUST ABOUT ALL OF THESE AS WELL, AND SAYS HE'S NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR -- BUT LET'S BE REAL HERE. WHY ELSE WOULD THIS BE HAPPENING? THE REASONS HE'S GIVEN DON'T MAKE SENSE, JUST AS THE REASONS YOUR W HAS GIVEN DON'T. BOTTOM LINE: EITHER THEY WILL WANT TO WORK ON THE R OR THEY WON'T, AND WE HAVE TO LEARN TO BE OKAY WITH OURSELVES EITHER WAY.

STAY STRONG!


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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Ahoy, thank you so much for posting, I take everything you say on board.

I try to hang on the EA and not PA because W has no sex drive for a long time and started Menopause as this started, Wifes EA (?) is with a bi polar drunk who has attempted suicide twice in the last 12 months. I know that I will never know for sure at this time but !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I will read up on your sitch this evening and please know that all advice or comments are greatly appreciated. Take care.

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Bdub just saw you comment and thank you. It's great to get different views but I do think that W has made up her mind and I have live with that I am home now and she started to tell me that she just did her finances TODAY. and she will struggle to survive. I have searched this site and is seems rare for a W to leave a family home and her children and her husband who while she does not love but shares every little thing with for a worse stich. I understand that she does not want to be with me but to leave a home for a one bed even if she is going to live with her EA / PA most of the time ( he also lives in a one bed council flat) and has no job seems weird Can anyone point me towards a post the is like my sitch ?

Thanks again for posting

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Did i read your post right? She is leaving the kids?


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
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