I'm losing hope. Who am I? Reading all these books and making all these changes in my perspective, personality, approach, outlook, way of thinking is helpful sometimes but right now I can only think of it as wishful thinking because I'm not going to get to USE any of it if HE DECIDES I'm not worth it.
Ss, I know your in a difficult place right now. This is really tough, no doubt about it. But tomorrow is a new day and you never know what is around the corner. One thing I do know, is that all the reading and the changes we are making to our thinking DO MATTER. This is as much our journey as it is our WAHs. No one can take this new learning away from us, not even our WAHs. We will use it; heck I think we already are using it. (I recall complimenting you on an awesome text exchange just the other day).
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
SS, I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. I did want to chime in on the job. While it may not be your dream job at BR, it could be a nice confidence booster and you never know who you may meet for future opportunities during this time. Always keep your eyes open-you never know when opportunity knocks :-)
I can't remember if you spoke of this so I apologize if I'm being repetitive. Is your h covering expenses for 2 households?
Hang in there. You are doing just fine!
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 10/01/1412:30 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thank you all for the encouragement and support. Man do I need it. Today feels better but I'm being gentle with myself.
I am NOT good at being uncomfortable. I squirm and fight it like crazy. Just when I think I'm ok, my mind goes down some weird thinking lines and BAM! I'm squirming again.
I wish I could take the yogic approach and "observe without judgement" but no, I want to kick that discomfort square in the nads.
A lot of this is hitting major triggers with me. I was pulled out of my home by DCS at age 16 with nothing but the clothes on my back, literally. I became a ward of the court and lived in foster care until I graduated high school. It was only two years but I was hungry (there were bugs in the food at the group home and simply not enough food), emotionally and physically exhausted (I was paying my own private school tuition, too), dealing with the guilt of having left my little brother at home with my abusive mother and neglectful father who then packed up and moved across the country leaving me, at age 16, alone in California.
Now I feel like my home is being ripped out from under me AGAIN. Not my actual house but my family, our traditions, our togetherness, our laughter and love...
It's triggering a lot of ugly stuff.
Originally Posted By: Georgiabelle
I can't remember if you spoke of this so I apologize if I'm being repetitive. Is your h covering expenses for 2 households?
He is, yes. It's not a problem financially but it's also not exactly how we envisioned spending our money either.
We pay out the nose for insurance (he is self employed so we have to buy our own and it's terrible despite the HUGE price tag). I want to contribute at least insurance to the family, hence the BR job. Good benefits if nothing else.
Thank you all for the encouragement and support. Man do I need it. Today feels better but I'm being gentle with myself.
I am NOT good at being uncomfortable. I squirm and fight it like crazy. Just when I think I'm ok, my mind goes down some weird thinking lines and BAM! I'm squirming again.
I wish I could take the yogic approach and "observe without judgement" but no, I want to kick that discomfort square in the nads.
A lot of this is hitting major triggers with me. I was pulled out of my home by DCS at age 16 with nothing but the clothes on my back, literally. I became a ward of the court and lived in foster care until I graduated high school. It was only two years but I was hungry (there were bugs in the food at the group home and simply not enough food), emotionally and physically exhausted (I was paying my own private school tuition, too), dealing with the guilt of having left my little brother at home with my abusive mother and neglectful father who then packed up and moved across the country leaving me, at age 16, alone in California.
Now I feel like my home is being ripped out from under me AGAIN. Not my actual house but my family, our traditions, our togetherness, our laughter and love...
It's triggering a lot of ugly stuff.
((( )))Darlin' this explains sooo much.
You can become OK with the discomfort, it's work but it's so worth it.
May you find peace.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Totally get the feeling ... of course losing the family/M is hard .. but its even harder when it brings up the past issues we all stuffed down ( I too was a foster kid and grew up with my father constantly working out of the state), I too have had to constantly check myself from making it all about the W walking and projecting those past issues into the sitch. Its difficult and something I am working on.
A fellow foster kid. A rare thing to have in common, huh?
Well, we made it though that, we can make it though this, right? It's still hard to not relate those same feelings of loss of family to the feelings rearing their ugly head now.
Because it seems I'm on the verge of tears at almost every moment, I just called two "marriage friendly therapists" to see if I can get an appointment for IC. I left messages for both and cried the whole time. Then I cried when I got off the phone. And now i'm crying as I type this.
I am just NOT handling all of this well despite my desire to and knowledge that I CAN get through it.
Just got a call from one therapist and have an appointment for Monday at 1. Oh please let this be helpful and productive.
My goodness Ss, that's some story. I wish we could do more for you ... like a proper hug.
You will bounce back though and I know you know that. I doesn't make it any easier I know. I had a couple of bad weeks recently as you know and now I feel I can cope again.
You will be able to do the same. Have you got any local friends to lean on?
(Not so) Old Dog xx
Too many 'knows' in that post, but never mind.
What about playing some loud music? You may have to make yourself, but do it.
M: 57 / EW: 52 T: 21, M: 8 S: 18, S: 15 Bomb: 1 Jun 14 EA Aug 2014 I think PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
