Nero, I know what you mean about thinking “DO SOMETHING”. This comes up every time I have these “well meaning” friends to give an advice or question me why I haven’t filed for D yet. I've read some of your posts and I'm glad you are doing better these days.
Job, thanks for the encouragement, that I've been doing a great job. The mail doesn't bother me that much. I don’t go out of the way to send it, I do it when I can. When I feel like I don’t want to do it anymore, I will put a stop on it. Which could happen soon…
Heather, Life’s Twists, you made me think. Yes, I bring up the Playboy every time I send the mail to him. But, I don’t feel gross or offended by the fact that it is Playboy. I don’t know, maybe there is something terribly wrong with me? H have been subscribing to this magazine forever, since before I met him. I knew about it upfront. It never bothered me to know that H reads and looks at it. I guess I was confident enough to not be bothered by him looking at other naked women. I would not call it porn either. Just my opinion.
I know that other people have problems with it. I've met other women who were kind of shocked that I was ok with H openly having this magazine in the house. The reason I bring it up “a lot” is that I think that I’m doing H a huge favor. I don’t think he understands that yet. Not every woman would tolerate this magazine in the house, not even mentioning mailing it to him.
The only thing that I realized recently that was related to this magazine is that I was subconsciously trying to compete with the women in it, in terms of looking perfect all the time, having a perfect body and perfect skin, perfect hair, etc. I thought that my looks would guarantee that H will never look away. Now I know how wrong I was. He secretly fancied our friend, who is way out of shape and cannot even compare to me.
Now I just want to be me, whatever shape and form I am. I actually like me more than before the BD.
I don’t know if it comes across in a different way than what I’m trying to post. This Playboy subject seemed to strike some strong feelings here, which was not my intent. I just mentioned it as a fact.
Heather, thank you always for your support. I've been learning from your experience a lot.
Now I need to figure out how I will respond to friends and family when they ask me questions or give me unwanted advice without feeling uncomfortable. I have to learn this.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I guess I scarred everyone with this “Playboy” subject. I will not bring it up again, I promise.
As I expected there is SILENCE from H. Why does he even bother to ask the questions if he doesn’t want to engage in a conversation? I just cannot imagine his moods swing like that, from being nice and polite to rude and childish. He was supposed to receive another mail from me yesterday with his truck registration and other stuff… This time there is no “thank you”.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I doubt you'll typically hear thank yous and have engaging conversations, if he's in MLC. H is bouncing and flailing around in lalaland......not thinking manners, for sure. Expect zero, right?
Personally, I think you should model for Playboy and send him that edition. Ha! I bet that would get his attention.
You didn't scare me off, Bright. It takes a lot more than that. Waaaaayyy more.
Their silence is weird sometimes, right. You just wish you knew what he was thinking? Well.... maybe sometimes. But, man, when you think you knew someone?! It is a difficult concept to grasp... the unknown of someone you were so connected with.
I hope you are well. How's the GAL going? I'm taking small steps.
Might, you made me laugh. I know that the pictures in the Playboy are very refined. They are taken from a certain angle and then all the flows are covered by the editing. If they do this for me, I will look pretty good in there, LOL. I just can imagine H’s expression if he would see me in one of the editions
GAL is not going well for me sometimes. I just want to be home by myself. But I get the moments sometimes. I went to a happy hour with the people I work with yesterday. I talked to a couple of guys and found out that one of them goes to the same place where my vacation home is for the off roads traces every year. He actually races in a motorcycle. Whoa! I have somebody to cheer for next time I go to watch the races. And this will be so in H’s face, because one of his complaints was that I didn’t keep in touch with people. Now I have more activity going over at the vacation place than him. He was not able to get anybody to go there with him. I, on the other hand, had my sister and family, my son and his GF, my GF from a different state, and two of my neighbors who want to go next time. Yay!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I talked to a couple of guys and found out that one of them goes to the same place where my vacation home is for the off roads traces every year. He actually races in a motorcycle. Whoa! I have somebody to cheer for next time I go to watch the races. And this will be so in H’s face, because one of his complaints was that I didn’t keep in touch with people. Now I have more activity going over at the vacation place than him. He was not able to get anybody to go there with him. I, on the other hand, had my sister and family, my son and his GF, my GF from a different state, and two of my neighbors who want to go next time. Yay!
That's what I'm talkin' about, Brigh!
Between your upcoming spread in Playboy and motorcycle friend, you will get his attention.
He may be quiet, but he's watching. He is probably lost in his own confusion most of the time, but I am sure he pays attention whenever he notices something different with you.
Keep moving along. I wish I was close by to show up with a bottle of wine. Sometimes I find that the best way for me to GAL is when someone springs it on me and I don't have time to think about it.
GAL is not going well for me sometimes. I just want to be home by myself. But I get the moments sometimes. I went to a happy hour with the people I work with yesterday.
I know that I have to sometimes force myself out of the house especially on weekends, other wise I sit and "think" about this mess too much.
Glad you got out and had fun.
IMO- the playboy thing would not bother me. My H use to always watch porn, and now that I think about it, he has stopped or at least now hides it from me? Hmmmm
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Hey Mighty, thanks for stopping by. I've been reading all your threads. As much as I can of course. I can barely keep up with all the updates on your thread, Shining’s, 2BHappy’s, and some others. You guys are way too fast for me, LOL. When it comes to writing about my sitch, it’s even slower. English is my second language, so it takes time for write. I have to think about how to formulate a sentence in a right way, and also tend to skip words and letters when I type.
2BHappy, thanks for telling my about playboy. I just don’t think it is the same as porn. I would not be OK with porn. Now, thinking back about some stuff, I have my doubts that H didn’t look at porn, occasionally.
Anyway, I had some GAL last week, spilling into this one. Last Monday, as I mentioned, I had a happy hour. I also went to lunch with a coworker. On Thursday I went for lunch with an acquaintance. We went to the café overlooking the beautiful beach. On Friday I was invited to a Pampered Chef party, we had some food and drinks and ended up buying some stuff. On Saturday I went to my sisters’, as usual. My Mom arrived on Saturday as well, and she is staying with my sister. This Monday was Mom’s B-day and went to my sister’s again for dinner. And now, I’m going to my vacation home this Thursday with my neighbor!
I’m actually exhausted. I was had very low energy on Sunday, so I didn't do what I needed to do, and now I’m paying for it, running to the stores, trying to get all items that my friends from vacation home asked me bring for them, plus other stuff that I need for me.
So, my Mom is here for a few weeks. I hope I can handle it better than last year. I kind of dreaded it to some extent. I was thinking that when she would see me, she would say that I gain some weight. Guess what… These were exactly her words as soon as she saw me. Mind you it is about 5LB more from last year. But, this is how my Mom always was. She would notice every little flow with me and would not hesitate to mention it. And guess what she is doing now... She is making some pies for my sister and me. Even though my sister told her that I've been trying to lose some of my weight.
I don’t know if I’m reaching the point when I’m ready to completely drop the rope. I’m going to the vacation home, but no I longer want to see H’s stuff there. This is a new feeling for me. I have moments when I want to replace some items, so they would be mine and not remind me of the old life. I’ve just re-read the e-mails that I saved, where H is communicating with this Mexican girl he wanted to start the relationship with. It hurt. He was telling her that he was so sorry that she was hurt by her cousins’ (my GF at the vacation home) words. He also mentioned that my GF (actually our mutual friend) was also hurt, but just to give it some time to heal. Sigh… There was no mention of any of them hurting me in the process. It doesn't seem like he was thinking that I might be hurt by his actions either.
Oh well. I knew I would be hurt again when reading this, but I think I’m just looking for something to get me unstuck. If it is disdain and growing disrespect for H, so be it. I need to get out of this continuing limbo somehow. I’m running out of patience.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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