Mindsin - pt. 4 (the countdown begins)

[mindsin]

Ok, thanks for your inputs. So the question is, right now, what (if anything) should be said or done?

The OM has moved away and for the foreseeable future, he will be seeing my W, at most, once every two weeks.

[nit84]

Detach and GAL, With OM away your W may start to throw out false positives to keep you reeling. Be a little mysterious maybe


just my opinion

[mindsin]

This past week has been a test of my detachment. I've had better days than others. The phone call snooping really affected me, and not in a good way. What started out as simply trying to see where she was (since she didn't tell me where she was going on the 1st leg of her trip), turned into a daily check to see when and how long she was talking to the OM.

She did call me every day to talk to the kids.

What I found interesting was that there were zero phone calls from 9/25 (the day she left) and 9/29 (the day she told me she landed at her destination). On 9/29, there were a couple of brief calls to the OM.

9/30 - No calls.

10/01 - She arrived at her final destination, to stay with a former male co-worker from a previous job. There were a few brief calls to the OM throughout the day, capped by a 45 minute call at night. In between that, there was a longer than usual call to me to talk about my 1st day at my new job. This was also the first day she started texting me, regularly sending me photos of herself. This would continue for the next two days.

10/02 - A couple of 15 minute calls throughout the day to the OM capped by a 90 minute call at night.

10/03 - A 15 minute call in the evening to the OM, followed by a 45 minute call.

I found it interesting that:

1. She only started texting me regularly, sending me photos, since 10/01 -- the day she arrived at the place she told me she was going to prior to her departure last week. The other places she visited in the 6 days preceding that Wednesday were kept secret from me.

2. The frequent phone calls to the OM started only on 10/01, including nightly long 45+ minute phone calls.

Here are my possible hunches:

1. She spent several days with the OM, and maybe didn't have the heart to tell me. She may have told me beforehand that she needs to get away from everyone for a week (including the OM), but if my hunch is true, it would be disappointing.

2. She spoke to her friend starting on 10/01, and she may have wanted to share some of his insights and opinions with the OM.

I know I'm not supposed to be mind-reading and guessing, but this is bothering me way more than I know it should.

On a positive note, I have found that my new job is my GAL. This is an absolute win-win. I have met some amazing people in the 1st three days and there are company gatherings and outings planned that I'm very much looking forward to.

[claire7]

Minds in,
In my opinion it is not healthy (and certainly not DBing) to focus on your W and her R with OM. You seem to be obsessing over the phone records, how many calls or texts to you or to him.

So so so much mind reading going on.

Just step away from it.

[Wet]

Hi Mindsin,

The checking of W's phone records is snooping. It is bothering you so much because you know about it. If you didn't snoop, then you would not have the stress of what you learned. You are only inflicting pain on yourself by your snooping, and it does nothing to change what your W is doing. Protect yourself.

[JCred]

You said this on 9/22..

The OM leaves to start his new job in two days (2K miles away). The initial plan is (according to my W and the OMW) is that he'll be flying back every two weeks.

That would mean he left around the 25th (Thursday)...(same day as your wife mysteriously left.. He probably left to get prepared for his new job and get to know the new area better (as well as spend the weekend with your wife). I would assume he would start his new job on Monday (29th) of the following week.....

The timeline and phone calls just confirm what I told you before. 2+2=4... Your wife flew with the OM to his new place and spent the time together until she flew out Wednesday 10/1..... She then reached her final destination and that is why the phone calls started again. The reason there were no phone calls from when she left home, and through the weekend is that they were together. Plain and simple.

I told you this was going to happen. I realize this isn't what you probably want to hear. It is best for you to know the reality and not be stuck in a hope trap.

I didn't even have to snoop to tell you this was happening.
Go back and read what I told you a few days ago. It's pretty well spot on.
It's textbook of waywards.

She is lying to you and he is lying to his wife.

Now the question is... How do you handle this from here?

[MrBond]

So you actually told me ...

"Ok, now you're mind reading.
My initial "peek" was to see if she was ok, and to maybe get a clue as to where she was. It had nothing to do with the OM.

Now its ... "The phone call snooping really affected me, and not in a good way."

Just be honest with yourself. You wanted to see where your W was f*cking the OM. It's as simple as that. It's okay. She's your W. Of course you want to try and take back what's yours.

But you are obsessing over it which is preventing you from working on yourself. Haven't seen much of that happening. Again, you never talk about your kids and what you do with them while she's away. Do that instead.

[mindsin]

Mr bond - I'm not sure what more I can say about my kids. I am practically living the life of a single dad, even when she isn't 3000 miles away. I also have excellent support from my in laws who never think twice to lend a hand in caring for them (after-school pickups, making them dinner on the weekdays, etc). My kids are completely shielded from the situation. We spend a day as a family almost every weekend.

[claire7]

Mindsin,

You posted in detail the minutiae of your W's cell phone usage. You wrote a lot about that.

Push yourself to write more about how you are connecting with your kids and supporting them through this.

Ask yourself the very hard question of whether obsessing over your wife and her OM is taking time and mental and emotional energy away from the other very important people in your life.

I'm curious where your kids were when you were poring over the phone records and detailing it all here.

I'm sorry that this sounds harsh, but you didn't seem to get Mr.Bond's post. And you need to work on your GAL. Because if you were doing that, honestly, you would not have as much time or emotional energy to spend on your W's affair.

Tell us what you did this weekend so far? What have you (or can you) put emotional energy into? What in your life is bringing you joy? How so? Tell us!

[MrBond]

"Mr bond - I'm not sure what more I can say about my kids."

How about detailing what exactly you DO with them? And I'm not talking about how it relates to your M. Do you take them to the park? Do you get ice cream? Do you comfort them at night, etc.?

You detail every single phone call, word and movement your W makes, yet you don't do the same for your kids.