_________________________ M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 No D filed
I am memorized by your thread. Your growth, external processing, strength, self blaming, amazing kids... incredible beauty...
We're so much alike!
You're so right. uR has some incredible insights and I've gained a lot while reading through your exchanges. It's funny how something you've heard or read 1,000 times suddenly helps you take a deeper breath, wipe away long streaming tears, swallow the lump in your throat and sticks with you.
When she said to you that this process is necessary. That there's no way around it, just through. I've said that to others. I've said it to myself. I firmly believe it. I know it to be true but for some reason the way she said it or the timing, who knows... I needed to hear that - AGAIN.
Today has been rough, yes, but for no good reason. It's not like I had some evil exchange with H and now I'm hating life. I just can't seem to manage these emotions that come up seemingly out of the blue. They never used to do that. It makes me feel out of control but also I feel like I controlled my emotions for so long that now they're saying "STOP, pay attention to me!!!" so they stream down my face all the time now.
It hurts, man.
Anyway, I don't want take over your brand new thread.
Thanks for stopping by mine. I'll visit this new thread more often. We really are in similar situations.
I wonder if an IC would be something I should look into. >sigh<
Ss, You're not taking over!! Post as much and as often as you wish....it's all helpful when we share this stuff!! The real world doesn't get it.
Yeah, you said it....this stuff hurts like nothing I've ever experienced...and I thought I had been through he// before..... Nope.
I don't typically visit newcomers, but I believe you had posted here a time or two. The few times I've peeked at your thread.....yeah, crazy....the similarities
It's clear you are getting great advice already. But, something just resonated tonight when I read your post.
We all receive and absorb information differently. uR's words have really sunk in deep for me. She is somethin' special. Yeah, uR...I said that. You knowit. Deal.
I can't pay it forward through experience (yet).... But I can share the amazing perspectives offered on my thread, when I see a connection to another. There is so much help on this board.
I'm on a good up-swing at the moment, and I'm going to run with it. Come up there with me....I hear there's bacon.
I was thinking about you. Glad to hear your headed in the up direction!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Yes, bacon!! I can smell it...the aroma is wafting rather nicely....I'm dang close.
I did awesome today
Cuckoo MgGoo played a word...then sent a text. I didn't check my phone until about 30 min later, which is good for me.
THEN I didn't respond for 2 hours because I was ACTUALLY BUSY!!!
So, of course, as I finish my celebratory self-patting of the back and reply to H, I realize....garshdangit!!!!! I did it again... Suckered.
He sent me, what else? A medical problem. So what did I do? Oh, you know, start asking if he's experiencing xyz symptoms. Fixing. Blechhh...
The GOOD news is I caught myself. And stopped. Right after I sent that, I followed it with, "sorry! that was me trying to help....but you don't need me to do that for you." And that was it. I got out.
Shining, I'm glad you caught yourself before you went too far in asking what his symptoms are. Poor baby, he want's "mom's" attention and pity.
You are doing great. Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Not sleeping, having ED, his skin condition has flared up worse than ever, sinuses, body aches, and today was eye floaters.... And he's all alone with it, as he wanted.
I don't have anger toward him. But I'm not holding my breath anymore. It's like I have this vision that he has to go on his journey alone, far away....until I can't see him in the distance, in order to become whole. Then when he circles back toward me, he will be ready.
Just a mental image that helps me realize how long this takes. Now I see it....no matter how many touch and go we have right now, he's still on the outbound train.
Medical issues, whether they are real or imagined, show up quite frequently during the crisis.
Your vision is a good one and that's the way it has to happen. He needs to travel the world, experience it and then figure himself out, i.e., grow up, and then return home and win your trust and relationship back. Until then, continue to be that lighthouse in the storm.
And yay!!! Good on you for catching yourself and for being busy.
I was thinking of you today. I was remembering some of my journey. I remember thinking how was it that my h could wake up and decide he had stopped loving me. It was a hurt that I had never experienced. It cut to my core. It was saying to me that the person I loved and trusted most in this world no longer had use for me. I wasnt needed any longer. I wasnt loved. I wasnt worthy. I wasnt enough.
When I looked at those things over time I realized those were feelings I recognized. I had felt those feelings before...in my childhood. So for me, those memories came flooding back.
I remember that at BD, because of how badly I already felt about myself, that those feelings of unworthiness were intensified.
So I set about trying to go back to when those feelings had surfaced. Once I did that, I began my journey.
I did two things. I figured out who I wanted to be and put a plan together to be that person. Then I figured out who I had been. That's when I figured out about the mirrors. I had to look really hard at people when I interacted with them. I had to listen and believe what people said to me and about me. I had to accept that I was the only one who could determine my worth.
I am so happy you are looking within and finding you. Now I want to see you look outward and see what is reflected back. It could be anyone. It could be a small interaction..a smile even.
I can tell you what I see. I see a smart,capable, funny, witty and compassionate women who loves her children dearly.
Once you see who you are, the pain of rejection starts to recede. It's then that you realize it is not a rejection of you. It is a rejection of him. He isnt happy with who he is.
He has to look inside, unencumbered, without excuses or scapegoats in order to come out of this whole.
You are on an amazing journey. It is filled with all sorts of things and feelings and insights.
You cant fix his life. You cant hold his hand. You cant make him whole. If you tried to, this would come back tenfold.
So, yeah, the letting go stuff is freakin hard because we do what we know. Until we realize something different.
You just keep on moving forward, with the understanding there will be backslides. The hope is that they become less and less frequent and intense.
Once you see who you are, the pain of rejection starts to recede. It's then that you realize it is not a rejection of you. It is a rejection of him. He isnt happy with who he is.
It's hard to add to what UR said. She's a smart cookie. She is absolutely spot on with this. You should re-read that post a few times until it sinks in. Seriously.
I know from my experience, I did similar. Just when I thought I was done, I got a clue-by-four upside the head. GolfMom gave it to me and I'm forever grateful. She pointed out how I was competing. I had to answer why (to me). So I dug deeper than I thought I could.
Know what? I came to realize that I had been looking to my ex in much the same way I was looking to my own mother. My mother loved me and met my needs, don't get me wrong. But she was diagnosed when I was 14 and died when I was 16 (my birthdays). My father took a ride on the wild side for about 20 years following. That left me with my grandparents mostly. I met my ex not long after that (17) and we married when I was 20.
I was expecting my ex to be like my mother. That's not inhuman - we all do that with our mate to some degree, and we become like our parents to some degree. It's how we are and how we view "normal" in most cases.
Did it drive her away? Not at all. Was it a lot of pressure? She thought so (among other thoughts). It's why it was hard to figure out why she was so violently angry and looked for reasons to leave. She didn't quietly leave. She has expressed anger as recently as this summer with me. That's many years later, but it was really not important. What is important is that I figured out my own self-worth without her in the picture.
Were her accusations true? Some had a grain of truth. Most were wild and wacky. She left the kids with me when she moved out the first time on Mother's day and took the dining room table. The kids and I ate on the floor that night Fond memories regardless of the pain I felt at the time. The pain for my kids, for my ex, for me, for our family.
Once I re-established a good sense of self (where'd it go? I was gobsmacked when the BD occurred. I felt it.) I could look back on many memories more fondly. I could and can let my ex and her husband spew without reacting.
Why? Because although I realized it wasn't about me to begin with, I needed to dig deep and figure me out without being encumbered by her in the picture. Turns out that was a long process that will continue for the rest of my life. I like that about life.
This really is his problem. Your opportunity is to see yourself without using the lens of others. Very rewarding opportunity. Very. And to echo UR, once you do that, you'll be free. Freer than you've ever been before and you'll be able to live a much better life. Not because he's gone, or because he rejected you and the life he built with you, but because you're worth it.
Dig. You'll find the gold.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I just got home and caught up....wowowowowow....thank you for those posts. I will read them several times over. I already have twice.
I went down to the dog-walking area at my apartments. I chatted with an older couple, and a few others. They smiled at me. They laughed when I was trying to get them to laugh. I listened, and watched more than anything. I felt myself pull back and then I asked myself what was happening....why was I starting to pull back?
So, I listened to what I was saying to myself. What I heard were the old thoughts creeping in of being judged, criticized, made fun of, and told to stop talking and go away.
Then, I heard another voice....the voice of the words on this board, (the voice of little me isn't talking yet..., fyi). But I recognized I wasn't being kind to myself.
So, I made a change....repositioned, stood up, walked...anything to shake up that feeling and lose it. That helped me get back to me.
Overall, I felt more confident than I have in a long time. I came into my apartment smiling. I started to realize, I really don't need him. I can want him, but I don't need him. More than anything, I want us each to be whole.
If he finds his way back to me after his journey, he will be one lucky son-of-a-gun....
I do still love him. But it isn't mattering as much what he does anymore. I do expect a backslide here and there.... But I have had flashes of what it is to be detached....small bits....samples. FUN SIZED!!!
Yeah....I hope you all saved me a seat up on that mountain with you. Cuz I'm almost there. I really am. Not perfect...but I can taste it. I have a new sense of what that true freedom will feel like.
I really like the advice UR and AJ gave. They are so smart and experienced.
It's nice to be positive and look at yourself when you start to pull away. I started doing that and I too realized it's not who I want to be. I've been the shy, quiet person when I was young. I didn't want to be judged, I wanted to be liked by everyone.
Now, I want what I want. Who cares what they think (I still do to some extent). Keep being positive and get to that mountain top...your bacon is waiting!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Shining, good for you for the amazing control you had with the texts. I know, firsthand, how hard it is to control your "fixer" instinct! I think some people think it's to control things, from my perspective I was always just trying to help and save them the trouble with my already discovered solution, LOL! Working on that myself.
I like your "fun sized" detachment! That's a start, right? I think mine is flea-sized at this point.
The advice and words you have been from uR and AJS are amazing. I'm gonna come back here and re-read them myself until they sink in.
Amazing support here. Really and truly.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Ok, Shining, I have tears in my eyes. I know exactly what you were feeling when you felt yourself pull away. So very proud of you for recognizing that and redirecting. Amazing what other mirrors can reflect back.
You are right, you may want him, but you dont need him. There is a huge difference.
You are exactly where you should be. The idea is to get yourself good and strong, so that if and when he looks towards you, you get to decide what YOU want from a place of strength.
I've made some good decisions with my job sitch....I'll organize my thoughts and post about that later.
I'm feeling more momentum now, for sure. My approach has shifted. It feels like, where I used to think, "oh, I HAVE to work on myself" and now it's more like, "oh, I GET to work on myself!"
Paying attention to me and what I want??? It's starting to get exciting... Fun, even. APPARENTLY I'm worth more than I thought.
Spent the morning with my S18. Talking about life, fear, change, relationships, love, you know.... And yes, he taught me a lot.
I received several texts from H today. He was very concerned about this recent eye problem, and told me he was having trouble at work. He couldn't see out of the center of one eye, and it's getting worse. So, he made a doctor appt. I responded, "I'm sorry you're having eye problems. Glad you made an appt.". Normally, I would have asked more details.
Then after his appt, he called me. We almost never speak by phone. Probably because he was driving. He talked the whole time he drove from the doc back to his work. He said he has to go downtown for more tests. He sounded concerned, and stressed.
I just listened. I took notice of all I wasn't offering to do. But, this is that "teamwork" thing that goes away when you don't want to be married. And I'm respecting his wishes. More importantly, I'm not putting myself in a position to be used as a mom or a bandaid. He's a big boy.
So, here's what I would have done, but didn't:
I didn't offer to drive him. I didn't offer to come along to remember what the doc said for later <<<< that was my "role" before I didn't ask symptoms I didn't tell him to let the doc know he's on xyz meds <<< also my "role" I didn't try to solve or fix anything.
I thanked him for letting me know. I said I hope it doesn't turn out to be anything serious.
I think I did pretty good. It wasn't easy, for sure! It wasn't my natural "way", and I had to really think. And the best part, is I didn't have to be unkind in order to do that. It would have felt "mean" to me in the past, to not offer my left kidney and bend over backwards making sure he's ok.
I'm growing!!! And, it turns out? I'm BIGGER on the inside. <<<< geek moment.
I will not text him. I will not. No. No to the phone. No to my thumbs. No to those thoughts. Let it go. After this post, I will grab my car keys. I will get into my car and go for a drive. I will play Pandora as loud as I can and sing. There may or may not be a new pair of shoes that mysteriously show up in said car. There. Temptation has passed. That is all.
Good job! I'm a shoes girl too- can't wait to hear what you got!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
I love boots:-). I admire your will power for saying no to the dress. I have a weakness for those too.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I used to wear dresses more than pants at the office. So much more comfortable and fun. .
My D13 just started paying attention to fashion....actually, boys.....which causes one to care about appearance, which brings us back to fashion..... Anyway, she got me into scarves again.
She's also letting me do her hair in the mornings, which is awesome. We did one of those buns in the shape of a bow today. .
This "time" is definitely a gift, in ways I wouldn't have imagined.
First, let me say how much I appreciate your continued support on my thread.
I wanted to read up on your sitch before I posted to you.
Secondly, I am so glad to hear that you are feeling more upbeat and grounded. That whole "I want a D" via text thing is tough. (I got mine via misspelled email, not much better.)
It's the coward's way and I believe they're well aware of that fact.
I also think the pain caused by such reading such a message really puts our DBing skills to the test. It's incredible that you didn't do much more than have a text war... I know for me there was a part that thought "To heck with it! Might as well say what I want because it's all over now." (Of course it wasn't but sometimes letting off a little steam is very understandable! It's just the shock and grief talking.)
Then it was wonderful to read how so many supported you and helped get you back on track with how great YOU are and all the things you have going for you. Your children, your spirit, your kindness as you've demonstrated here.
How BIZARRE that in one breath your H can say how he wants a divorce, and the next he's talking about how he's crazy attracted to you... WTF?
You've "ruined" him? Does he mean other women will never compare? Probably right! Clearly he's very confused and as others have suggested, he's still trying to make it all better and D is the next step. Or not. Also odd that he is talking about how picky he is about other women...but he's getting all this attention... but it's not working. And that's somehow YOUR fault?
I know I am probably missing some vital detail, but boy. I've never read that one before!
He is certainly an interesting specimen. Perhaps he'd like to join my laboratory experiment and keep GUBU company.
You'd have to come up with a catchy name for him though! (Or is he "BOB"? Or maybe that's Bring On the Bacon!!!!)
I am just impressed with how you're doing.
Shine On!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
GGG, glad to hear from you! Thanks for stopping by!
Yes, H is a wackadoo in many ways. In responding to GGG, I'm going to journal some recent lalaland activity.
Let me preface this update, with the fact that I'm not focused on every little thing anymore, nor am I writing about this to vent. Just documenting the recent events.
Im feeling this week, that I'm no longer affected negatively by H thoughts and actions. I'm recognizing these things as part of his journey, and signs of the normal things he just never learned.
Texting about the D? Yep. He is a coward. Even preMLC, there were many things he was unable to face or do for himself. Funny thing, tho, at work, he is the person that even his BOSS looks to if there is someone who needs to be fired, conflict resolution, all their negotiating....so he has the business skills. But, it if there is emotion attached? He'll run.
I also think he is confused about whether he really wants a D. First, he doesn't realize what that looks like for us. We would not be friends afterward. I will eventually date. I know without one doubt that will bother him deeply.
I used to have the wishful thinking that he will just come around because I know he loves me. I still believe he truly loves me, and our friendship and bond preMLC, while short, was very supportive and connected. We really liked each other.
But, he is claiming NOW (new reason, since nothing else was proven) that the blame for problems were all due to my kids. He said a while back that he is "still resenting" the way my S18 behaved on our trip a year ago summer...there were a few moments I did have to set S18 straight about some sibling bossiness/dominance, but put into perspective, that is normal teen stuff. Compared to the issues with his kids?? That bossiness/dominance plus name calling, swearing, hitting, destroying property, drugs and alcohol....is the way his kids speak and behave on a regular basis. His version is just not even a little bit true. I'm not just being biased.
The strange thing is, I am 100% certain he is still very attracted to me. I actually think that makes him mad at times. He wants me, but he can't go back to the feeling of being out of control in his own house.
He talks about living alone, and how he will have the place spotless without all the kids leaving their messes everywhere. That was a sore spot for him. Our house was not show-room perfect, we had our small "piles" of backpacks, shoes, etc. But it was cleaner than most everyone's house with kids I had seen.
Growing up, H mom was a hoarder...H hated that. She still is, and H still hates it. I wonder if that's part of the fear of being a sloppy house.
Oddly, when kids and I moved, and his kids lived there, the house was filthy. Dishes and food, cigarette butts outside, garbage....it was nasty. It really doesn't make sense what he claims, compared to reality.
He texted several more pics this week of his apartment. I didn't write about that, because it was uneventful. Interesting, tho... His mindset. He is 'decorating' and doing things HIS way, and he wants me to see it and seeks my approval. It's not an in-your -face thing at all. He is seriously trying to impress me, in the most crazya$$ way.
He also told me about things he messed up on, small things, that he is learning the hard way.
He shopped for shampoo, and didn't read the bottle, and accidentally bought conditioner. He installed a plug-in air freshened upside-down, and the liquid leaked all over. He kept forgetting to buy a shower curtain, and took showers anyway, flooding his bathroom floor. He bought a cheap coffee maker, but didn't realize he didn't get one with a timer, so he can't make coffee before he wakes up.
This was weird....He told me he bought sprite zero for me.....since he doesn't drink it...but there is a 12 pack in his fridge in case I come over.
He texted this morning that he hates his apartment already. He is in a noisy spot, 1st floor near the loading dock (I never would have picked that spot, lol) and he can hear loud noises every weekend, moving trucks and people talking loudly. There is no signal for his phone, so he had to buy a special box. He texted that the fire alarm went off in his building last night at midnight. His power was out this morning. His parking spot is too small for his vehicle, and another car backed into him.
Today, his plan is to go to Home Depot and pick up supplies to cover his bedroom window with Sheetrock, for sound and light reasons... Ugh.
I'm going to have a glorious day with my kiddos!! Cleaning and then going out for something fun.... We're GALing today!!!
Sounds like your man/child is checking in w/"mom" and yes, down to even wanting "mom's" approval and some recognition for a what he's been doing.
He's got some issues w/his mom's problem of hoarding. He doesn't want to fall into the same situation that she's in and it's really been something that has haunted him for many years.
Keep in mind, what he thinks of as friends, may not be the same as what you think. Their definition is different than ours and many of them think that we will be one happy bunch of friends once the divorce is signed off on. Unfortunately, they are still too "young" to understand that divorce may not always be the friends ever after scenario.
Enjoy your day and have some fun w/you children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kids and I went walking through some little shops and grabbed lunch outside in the beautiful weather!
Regarding the hoarding issues, yes, "haunted" is the perfect term to describe it. I had heard throughout the years, many stories regarding her hoarding. H stepdad (cold, unaffectionate, much too hard on the boys) used to have his own bathroom in their house growing up. No one was allowed to use it. He did this because H mom never cleaned, and there was clutter from floor to ceiling.
H has told me about houses they lived I that had out buildings full of junk. MIL garage after downsizing 4-5 times...is still floor to ceiling junk. She has her 3 sons come over every year to try and help her clean....but she won't let anything be tossed out.
The inside of her house is awful. H was very embarrassed whenever we went there. We basically stopped visiting because of it.
In our house, which wasn't even close to that way.....H would have quirky things that would bother him such as an empty can left on a countertop, backpacks in the front room.... But he had his piles in other areas in the house. It was eye-opening when I went to clean the house before closing day. There were old food-covered plates and cans, medicine spilled in the kids bedrooms...things H would have come unglued if that had been my kids.
Another odd thing was dishes in he sink. We were all very good about keeping things from piling up....not so much after we left! It's weird, too, because he isn't a clean freak. At ALL. He doesn't vacuum or sweep, or dust, rarely does dishes...NEVER did he clean a bathroom.... Will be interesting to see how the new appreciation sets in for cleaning on his own.
Oh...and....H sent a text as I'm typing....his air conditioner keeps shutting off and tripping a breaker. Maintenance is there but he may need to stay the night in their model unit. "Bummer. I'm sorry that happened."
This is a brand new construction building, and he is experiencing so many problems. He doesn't love it, that's for sure.
I'm not feeling any sense of enjoyment by hearing things aren't so smooth for him. I'm kinda shocked at how much he didn't know before...I never gave him a chance to show me, because I did it. This is so good for him.
Oh, well!!! I'm good!! I'm ok on my own. Really beginning to accept reality. And it shows in the things I'm throwing away as I clean. I'm no longer organizing with the plan to resume couple status. His stuff is very separate, and doesn't affect my stuff anymore. .
I'm going to keep organizing. I sorted my old clothes....purged half of my closet last night. Old me is going bye-bye. This feels very therapeutic!!!
Today was all about the boots. Ok, the boots and the scarves......Well, boots, scarves and pants. I said "no" to the dress.
Last week--- I was so there. 2 pairs of boots, 1 pair of shoes, 1 pair of Converse
(I always rock a pair of Converse on my totally chill day- must be I still have some of the grunge in me... Haha! Just with a little more style than when I was 17).
Glad you are well, Shining. You are a good girl. And a great friend.
Ha! Ur, my x MIL frequently says things about her son (ex Mr GB) and says "too bad so sad for him." I, too, do the "that's unfortunate and not my problem" thinking as well. I don't want to sound mean spirited- just that it's not my deal.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 10/05/1411:59 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Awwww, my boot-lovin' board peeps.... Thanks, Mighty, uR, GB
I've been selling stuff on CL this weekend. Most of the furniture in my storage garage is not going to be used again, as I once thought. When we S, if anyone recalls, I was under the impression it was temporary, and to SAVE our M, before I found out about MLC and all the dingleberries that go with that.
So, I decided to sell the older boys' bedroom stuff (they can't take it with them, anyway, and it's nothing of sentimental value). Still have more to go...
Then, I saw a smaller dining set on CL that would fit my apartment much better than the one from my old dining room. I contacted them, and it was agreed that I would pick up today.
I posted my set, and it sold fast!! Then?? Lol.... The people selling the set I was going to pick up went dark.... So we have no table and chairs now. We just giggled. Oh well. My son said let's have a picnic. So we did. We're nerdy like that.
I'm trying to stay busy. I would be lying if I said H hasn't crossed my mind. He hasn't contacted me at all today. No idea why. But I'm learning not to focus on the why because it really does not matter.
I'm starting to have fun again. I've also realized some things about growing up....that I'm still sorting out and I'm not too sure about....need to ruminate a bit more.
Here is where I'm at today:
I'm getting better at being exactly where I am, and not mentally someplace else. I'm not desperately wondering what's going on in the land of Cuckoo McGoo. I do get a little emotional about our S, and I still get sad, angry, etc. but it continues to become less frequent and less intense.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My focus has shifted now that I'm inside one month's time until S18 leaves....ugh. Here's a silly mommy thing....
I taught my kids very young, how to wash their clothes. We started with sorting colors. Then they helped fold. When they were about 9-10, I had them doing simple loads. By 12, they all did their own. All of it. It wasn't ever a battle, it was just what they did.
People would ask me how I got them to do their own laundry.....I used to say to them, as I was gesturing like I was playing a video game or texting, "if they are able to learn this, they are able to do (pushing a button on washing machine) THIS."
Anyway.....last night, my S18 was at his friend's house. I went into his room, and grabbed every piece of laundry I could. And I washed and folded all of it, realizing how long it's been since I've done that. I enjoyed every moment. I won't get the chance to do this for much longer. It's starting to hit me.
They will both be moved out by December. One S is a very long drive or plane ride away. It will be lonesome without him, but I can still text and call him anytime.
The other S will be a plane ride away, but he will not be able to see me, call me, or text me at will, for 4 years, other than time off, which he won't always know. He begins serving our country on active duty in less than one month. *deep breath*.
The two of them together have been very silly lately. They've spent a lot of time together, and it's actually been a strange blessing that they are again sharing a room....who would have thought. They started their infant lives sharing a room, and they are finishing their pre-launch young adulthood, once again....sharing a room. Life is amazing, isn't it?
The next month will begin to mark the end of an era. Oh, man, I'm not ready.
I used to think how awful this is to have to face alone. I planned to have this experience with my H and we would lean on each other for support through this transition. I got angry that he's not here to hold my hand. But I'm now accepting that this is the way it was meant to be. Just me. Just them. This is ours.
God is with me, helping me process and get through this. What a gift. What a gift.
Shining, my friend, your post brought tears to my eyes.
First of all, what a great thing that you taught them to wash their own clothes so early on. Loved that you washed all of your son's.
This must be so hard for you, having them both leaving. I cant imagine it. I believe very few things are coincidences. I think they were meant to share a room at this time in this way.
It's ok to think about your h, S, and to have feelings of anger and sadness. I would be worried if you didnt. As long as you dont stay there, thats the important part.
Life really is amazing and a gift. The good parts and the bad. The easy parts and the hard parts. Each part allows us to feel it all.
I'm sorry my post brought tears to your eyes. It is definitely hard for me, the fact that they're both leaving. I know you get it.
I'm making sure to remind S16 and D13 that I will have some moments of appropriate sadness, as will they. And that's ok, but we won't stay there long .
I'm also making a point to tell them I'm going to enjoy our new little family of 3. I don't want them to get the impression that all my focus is on the older 2, and they are chopped liver, or "less than enough".
I told them some things we can do as a small family. We talked about the fact that I've never had a family of 3!!!! Twins were born first, and we went from 2 to 4!
Then, of course, I had to take it to a humorous level and tease them that I will soon have sooooooo much more time to be all up in their business 24/7..... They laughed. They're humoring me, of course.
I'm struggling to not contact H. It's been a while since we've gone this long with no word games, no texting.
H D19 sent a message to me last night....she crashed her car on her way home from work. She said H picked her up and seemed "unfazed" by it. She only has liability ins. And the other party is claiming the wreck was her fault. She thinks her car will be totaled..no car, no money, no way to work..... Ugh. I do feel bad for her. But...... Not my problem. .
I told her I was very glad she's ok.
(No fixing, advising, offering to do stuff....I thought about it, tho.).
Sooo, uR, you're a boot gal, too?? I'm shopping for the season and for the trip!!! I'm getting so excited.
I haven't bought much....nearly zero, since I moved out. I've lost a lot of weight. I started to lose weight before S, oddly enough. I got a trainer in March. I called it the "LGN" diet. (Look Good Naked) .
So, now I need a lot of clothes. I just donated 2 lawn bags full of clothes from all 5 of us.
It feels good, all this cleaning and purging. From the file drawer, to my new clothes and the old dining table gone.... It's all needed change to help me start anew, and continue to detach.
It reminds me of that old 1990's movie with Julia Roberts... "Sleeping With the Enemy" where she goes to a new town and has nothing to remind her of the x....that movie actually resembles my 1st marriage to a scary degree. A story for another time.
I know it's hard not to contact him, but, think it through. What does it say to him if you do?
I wanted to share a little more about me. I found an amazing therapist. I was fortunate in that she got it. MLC, Dbing, etc.
She ran a group that I wasnt a part of. She asked me to sit in. It was for people in transition, for whatever reason. There were some people who were in a MLC or affected by someone in one. I got why she wanted me there.
I went from time to time, when she asked me to help. Still do once in awhile...if she calls...Im there. . Anyway, one of the things I heard over and over from people in a MLC, was that they felt that they werent heard.
I know you want to know how he is. I know you want him to know you care.
He needs to do this alone, S. He doesnt come out the other side whole if he doesnt.
Yes...yep. That was exactly what I needed. Wow, uR. Thank you.
I knew there was a piece of perspective I was missing. I didn't reach out. I took doggie for a little walk. I folded more clothes. The feeling was nagging. But I made it. .
Wow....to sit in and hear that. What an experience that must be. And to stay "detached" from your own experience?? How do you not personalize it.... I mean, I know, but still....you're human. It must be somewhat difficult to hear, both in the compassion sense and the heartbreak sense.
Today, I noticed our car insurance expiration was October 3. So I sent an email to insurance guy for the new policy card, proof of ins.
Come to find out that H D19 has the same type of car as my S18. Apparently, my S18 car was mistakenly removed from the policy when H D19 got her own policy in August.
So, I had my S18 car added back on again. Ugh. Also, H S21 name is still on the policy. S21 has his own insurance.....
H must be very confused. This is not like him AT ALL to get this so mixed up. Or, it could be the agent, too.
Oh, well. It's all straight now.
I had to text H about the insurance, because he will be notified it changed. He was not full-blown monster, but definitely in distancing, withdrawing, and "get away from me" mode.
He said he prefers all my kids off of he policy. "I want S18 name off my insurance". Those were the words. He had recently said that he is still very bothered by some things my S18 did in the past....like a year ago. (The same S18 who found H and took care of him during H suicide attempt).
Time to get over yourself, buddy. Grow the f-up.
So, even if I'm not to blame for H problems, he is going to blame what was a high school kid for his unhappiness. Real mature. Sure gives away a lot of his own power to a kid, huh....
H then asked (in the text) if I speak to the insurance guy, would I also remove his S 21 from the policy. He said if not, he will be glad to do his part. How gracious of him.
I didn't respond.
Then a few hours later, he decides to play his turn on word game. This bouncing is really fast, isn't it?
I guess he got his tantrum/frustration out, and now he feels better so he's checking to see if I'm here?
I have no clue what's going on in H mind. And I don't really care.
Here are the things that recently happened (that I know of) that had nothing to do with me:
He had a bad weekend with apartment management His air conditioner broke His apartment lost power for a long time His D19 totaled her car H is upset at his mother for something selfish she did Someone in his building left a nasty note on his vehicle because of the way he parked
I can't say whether these are bothering him, or if these are reasons he's crabby and distant. I know he's stressed. I know I've done nothing.
If he's mad at me and files for D, I can't do anything about that. I kinda feel we're already D anyway. Just not in the business/legal sense.
So I'm living my life without him. Too bad for him. It turns out, I'm kind of a catch. .
He said he prefers all my kids off of he policy. "I want S18 name off my insurance". Those were the words. He had recently said that he is still very bothered by some things my S18 did in the past....like a year ago. (The same S18 who found H and took care of him during H suicide attempt).
Time to get over yourself, buddy. Grow the f-up.
So, even if I'm not to blame for H problems, he is going to blame what was a high school kid for his unhappiness. Real mature. Sure gives away a lot of his own power to a kid, huh....
Been there, done that. D20 has been scapegoated on many occasion by Smokey. I know how hard it is to watch in disbelief as they alienate the kids. When I have more energy, I will post more...It definitely puts more pressure on the parent left behind...us. Good thing we are AWESOME :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Just checking on you. Seems to be a rough weekend for him, but glad you fought off your temptations to call. You sound good, even though there are moments of frustration, anger and sadness.
I don't have any advice. Keep up the positive attitude!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
H just called for details. I explained what was done, told him that our insurance was reduced by $50 after adding my S18 car back on, and removing his S21.
I then told him I will be removing both S18s from the insurance in one month. The amount then goes down approximately $200.
I added, that after S18s move, I will look into my own policy with S16, and then, H, you can be all by yourself.
H said, "well, let's just wait and see what makes the most sense at the time."
Interesting, though....as we were discussing the policy, and H D19 being off of it since August.... He didn't mention her wreck from Saturday night. Not one word. Because everything is perfect in his world, or so he would prefer to have me believe......
Ok, emotionally I'm doing alright... But the recent and drastic change in communication, barely hearing anything from H is bothering me. Like, a lot. I know it shouldn't.
I'm catching myself making up reasons for the quiet, wondering what he's doing, or if something happened, knowing it doesn't matter.
It's different, though. I'm not panicked. I'm not snoopy. No.....it's more like, I'm hoping he's not in pain. I'm hoping he's taking care of himself. I tell myself he will do what he does. Then I try to distract myself and move on to something...anything else.
Kids and I ate dinner together, which was nice. They were laughing and making up poems about potatoes...doesn't everyone?
Then they googled poems about potatoes, and lo and behold, they do exist. This turned into a full-on poetry reading. It was all silly poems I had never heard. Until S16 started reading one that sounded a bit familiar....a dramatic reading of the lyrics to the theme from "Fresh Prince of Bel Air".
Tomorrow D13 gets another phase of braces.... So we got pie. It made sense at the time. Don't judge.
I'm heading out for a walk to get my mind off of H. It is hard not to reach out. But I won't. I simply feel the need to complain about the struggle.....and hope for a "me too" of validation.
I'm glad you are going for a walk and I'm glad you had a poetry reading/recital at dinner. Potato poems are the best.
It's hard, isn't it? It's hard being "ON" for your kids all the time...even when you feel like your heart is being ripped out by a zombie.
In a sermon I was listening to the other day, I heard a commercial where a drug addict was discussing how...when he was using...he felt like a burned out house, like he had no soul.
I guess this is where we are grateful we still have our souls and our kids around us with their potato poems and vanity drawers they packed in the Uhaul.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Wow....to sit in and hear that. What an experience that must be. And to stay "detached" from your own experience?? How do you not personalize it.... I mean, I know, but still....you're human. It must be somewhat difficult to hear, both in the compassion sense and the heartbreak sense.
You know, Shining, to me knowledge is power and helping people fills me up. So, while I hurt for the people who share their stories, I am energied when I could empathize, when they get it, and when they feel heard and understood.
This really is such a heartbreaking thing to go through..on both sides.
The MLCer feels like he is sinking. He is tormented and depressed, feeling like he is swimming in mud with a weight on his back.
It's hard to remember that when they do the things they do and when they seem like they are happy in their life.
The spouse is left blindsided, having to pick of the pieces of their shattered life.
Tough, tough stuff.
Since we arent in a MLC, their words and actions really are foreign to us.
They are just trying to find something, some combination of things, to make them feel better.
One of the reasons you and I connected is because we both want to understand. We want it to make sense because it if does, then it's fixable. I get it. You know that.
The thing about this is that it just doesnt make sense...for a lot of reasons. Mostly it is personal to the person in it. Their life experiences, their ability to cope, their memories and pain. And so, no matter how we try, we arent in their skin, heart or head.
This doesnt go in a straight line. It goes round and through and round again.
Imagine feeling such pain that you destroy your family. Imagine being so lost that you become someone opposite of who you were.
Shining, you just have to trust. You have to believe in you. You have to take the chance to let him go with love.
There are no guarantees with this....except this one. If you look within, you will be forever changed.
He has to slay his demons. He has to go back and figure out where it went wrong. He has to want to get through this.
He knows you are there. He knows you love him. Trust me on that. He knows just where to find you for right now.
He is fighting with everything he has. I know it doesnt seem like it, but, he is. Whether he has the strength to get through it, only time will tell. But you want to give him the best chance. The best chance is for him to be unemcumbered and for him to not be looking over his shoulder at you. He needs all his energy for this.
It really is best for you not to try to figure out his mindset. The truth is that you dont want to know it. It really is crazy up in there.
I understand your struggle, my friend.
I love your family, by the way. Love the nerdy stuff. Love the potato poems. You are so blessed.
OK, so, the whole worrying about him suffering. I so get it. Yup. I was totally there. I felt his pain. I think I felt it even when he was ignoring it.
Let it go, Shining. You can't do this for him. It is like the connection is so deep, that he knows you feel it. I think in a way they are afraid of us and stay away because we can feel it. That is scary for him. Release. Give it to him. Give it to God.
He will find his way. He has to. No one can do it for him. I am not surprised that you worry about him. It's because you are a good wife. You are an amazing person. Take care of you, Shining. The stronger you are, the more peace you find, the best of Shining will come through.
You get it. You understand. Eventually, the feelings will come, too. You have so much on your side. The fact that you get it. I think people get it before they feel it. You get it early on... that means you are moving in the right direction. One where, whatever the outcome, you will be amazing.
Keep going, Shining. Rock your boots and go ahead with your bad self.
You know, Shining, to me knowledge is power and helping people fills me up. So, while I hurt for the people who share their stories, I am energied when I could empathize, when they get it, and when they feel heard and understood.
I soooooo get that, uR. I am the same. I wish I had the education to help people who suffer this stuff. The misunderstood mental things. The pain we all grow up with, and in turn, pass on to our most loved and cherished ones.
I am also energized by helping people. I don't always know how to guide through the tough stuff, especially since I'm there now. But I love connecting people. Whatever brings people together and brings joy....I'm all about that.
Sigh. With this new sense of disconnect, I'm feeling myself letting go.
I know our M is over. I feel it. It died. There is no going back. He is deep into his tunnel. On his journey. The one I can't go on.
I watched him run with his dog the last time I saw him. He was running away to the field across the street .... I actually said the words, "Goodbye, H. Go on your journey. I hope one day you find your way back to me."
I struggle because I feel his pain. I can't explain it. I just have a gut that screams at me. It tells me that he doesn't know why he's doing what he's doing. He isn't happy. He is so confused. That things make so much sense to him one minute and not the next. That he feels like he's going crazy sometimes. That he loves me and hates me all at once.
But, as you said....I can't fix this. I so desperately want to.
I can't stop the desire to understand it,tho. I believe it helps me. It helps me have this compassion and ability to forgive. It helps me treat him gently (compared to how I would treat him if I didn't think he was sick).
He is not the same man. I am not the same woman. Everyday, this becomes more clear.
Things could be so much worse than they are for us. We'll be ok. No idea what's next....but it's going to be fun finding out.
I'm trying to let him go. I'm truly getting there. I know I am.
I was a dammmnn good wife. Not perfect. I made mistakes. But none were in malice. I always acted with the best of intentions. I don't feel shame or regret for the way I treated him.
Quote:
Keep going, Shining. Rock your boots and go ahead with your bad self.
And yeah, I WILL rock them boots!!! ....just have to decide which pair....
S, I know exactly how you feel. I really do. I have felt it deep into my soul. I ached for him. Even when he did the unthinkable. I found compassion because of the love. I found it because I believed in the man I once knew.
Even though we cannot know what it feels like to lose a child unless we have, we can still find compassion and empathy.
I do not blame you for wanting to understand. It does help fuel the positive feelings. As long as you know you cannot possibly understand it completely.
Sometimes we can get stuck in the wanting...and it gets in the way of our journey.
Your old marriage is gone. Tuck the memories safely away. But that doesnt mean a new marriage, built from weathering the toughest of storms, isnt possible. That one will be built on a new kind of strength and depth.
I hope he finds his way back to you, my friend, because you are amazing.
Yup, right on uR. After xh dropped the nuke on me.... I was so upset for him! I spent weeks agonizing over what he must have been feeling. I think that's why my anger has been coming of late... because I spent time focused on his feelings.
I need to make it about me know. Just like you, Shining. I didn't mean to hijack, I just want you to know that I am there with ya, sista! ahem... time for change (wink, wink).
Oh, and by the way. I am not at all saying that your sitch will end up like mine. But, what I do know is that we have our own journeys. It has to be about us now. If he comes back to you... bonus. That would be awesome. He will be better and you will be better.
Great job, Shining. Did you just quote Bieber? I like obscure 80s music and took the never say never quote from a band called Romeo Void. I did quote Coolio the other day so if you find something with meaning- use it.
It is difficult yet necessary to let them go. It's the only way to truly live. Hang in there! Keeping my fingers crossed for you on the new gig front:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
GB, Ha!! Yep. I did. I quoted Beiber. I did it, and not one of my kids are to find out or I will be disowned as their mother. And, it's funny to me that autocorrect wants to change his name to "briber"...
I'm now moving on to some Kris Kross.... Cuz I'm gettin' "wiggida wiggida wiggida wack!"
Shining your thread and all the advice here is getting me through some tough days. So thankful for this board!
"I struggle because I feel his pain. I can't explain it. I just have a gut that screams at me. It tells me that he doesn't know why he's doing what he's doing. He isn't happy. He is so confused. That things make so much sense to him one minute and not the next. That he feels like he's going crazy sometimes. That he loves me and hates me all at once."
^^^^ I feel this so much- my H has even told me he's broken and he doesn't know if he'll ever be fixed.
My frustration right now is the effect on my D13 which spins me into some serious anger. Working through that to get back to compassion.
And to add to the songs.... I was blaring Heart " never" in my car this morning. These lyrics spoke to me-
" hey baby I'm talking to you- stop yourself and listen. Some things you can never choose, even if you try. You're banging your head again, cuz somebody won't let you in. One chance, one love- hold me down or let me go."
Hmmmm- was she dealing with a man in MLC???
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Hi, daring, I'm glad my thread is helping you. There are some wise people on this board.
I got text spew this morning. It stung. I'll be ok.
Some highlights from him: I don't want to fight but I'd like to get the papers filed. They are straight forward. When can I give to you to sighn? I need you to refi the car into your name I can't put that on my shoulders. I have to take care of me now. I can't and won't be with you. I am not going to take that chance to repeat the beating I took. Too much bad stuff happened. Please move on. We can't be together. Nothing has changed
I responded (not to each text) but kept it short. Just ok's and "I'm sorry you feel that way". Nothing I do or say matters. This train is going to crash. I'm trying so hard to prepare but it still hurts.
He was really sweet to me for a long time. Now back to this. Out of nowhere. No point in wondering why.
I'm so sorry. Yes, those do sting. You are wise in not engaging nor trying to figure out why he's spewing. Don't waste evergy on that. It is an epic and collossal waste of time (says woman waving her hands at having wasted precious energy on that!!!). Even now, I catch myself and think "wtf happened???" And I realize there is no *good* answer that would give me comfort or help me truly understand what happened. Just that I can't fix him and he's broken.
Please know that when I say this I do feel sad. It's strange not to have x Mr GB to read celebrity gossip to or tuck the kids in together. I hate that my children hurt and struggle. However, I can unequivocally say that a partof me has never been more at peace and dare I say happier. I loved x Mr GB very much. We *got* each other. I loved him enough to let him go and know that l will never truly *get* this. And that's okay. Who knows what the future holds?
Hang in there! I just got some swank new wedge boots. Don't be jelly:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
If it was never possible before, I have now managed to combine heartbreak tears with shoe envy:). I am imagining myself stealing swank boots and wedge-clocking Cuckoo McSpew over the head right now.
This wave will pass. I have good words from here to repeat to myself. They really do help.
Hi Shining! Did I ever tell you that I meet Dave G. many years ago when I was working in Austin? I was friends with a guy who owned a bunch of clubs on 6th St. and he was part of a group that was hanging out after the club closed. He is a really cool person and is much nicer than you would imagine! This was at least 15 years ago and he wasn't as famous as he is now but he seemed like a really down to earth person...incredibly talented (he plays with several bands in his "spare" time that you probably never heard of) but really "cool". Seems like you have good taste in even your fantasy guys!
No, I didn't know you met him! That is awesome!! Now I have shoe envy AND rock star meeting envy.
I think my overall attraction, is the combination of his ridiculous level of talent, and that he seems to be just a really cool, non-compromising guy with a dorky sense of humor. He is also crazy smart. My S18 follows him and his bands, interviews, and movie cameos he's in, etc. Yeah, I could definitely hang out with someone like that.
This is getting stressful. But I'm ok. My emotions are on high alert, but not crying or in despair.
H sent more texts that basically declare what, and how, the few things we have left are to be divided. (In his mind)
He included more spew of reasons he doesn't want to be with me. threw all kinds of old, old, petty things into the pot. People don't D over this stuff. Wow. More blame. It really hurt. He is definitely in a dark place.
He is now insulting me and bringing up my lack of job as a choice. It is a choice, actually. Temporarily. I know what I need to do for me and my S18s. I know I'll survive during this gift of time.
But my reasons and my plans are none of his business anymore, and I don't feel like explaining my plan to a crazy person who doesn't give a rat's a$$ about me. He gave up the right to knowing my business when he deemed his affairs none of mine.
I figured it was best to not feed it.
I think he is spinning and spinning about this because for the first time, I told him what D would mean for our friendship.
He has consistently said many many times, he doesn't want to fight. This is obviously very important to him. That we can still be friends. He did this again today, only now, he has drawn up papers.....online D-in-a-box. He sees only the black and white.
That's when I replied that no, our friendship will change if you D me. He flipped out.
That's when the spew got worse. He also, like a child...."resigned" his word game. Seriously. Took his ball and went home.
I think I put a stop to the spew. I finally sent:
M: I saw that you resigned from the game. If you are upset, that's ok. I'm not going to fight with you.
H: you said we can't be friends
M: Things will change if we are D. There is more to discuss but now it's not the right time.
H: I don't know what else there could be
M: You may be right. There may not be anything else. But you can at least give me the decency to go through this in person.
H: Sure. I really don't know what else there is to even discuss, Let me know when
I am off to the ortho with D13. Not responding to that.
I'm open to suggestions on what to do/where to go with this next.
I feel better already after writing this out. Things pass quicker now. (I had several inappropriate analogies that I will refrain from typing. You may laugh hysterically anyway, in their absence).
I'm sorry. I think many of us can relate -particularly to the "we can still be best friends, right ?" Nope. Xh even said, " I want everything to remain the same except I no longer desire a romantic R with you." Again, the key is to focus on you.
In regards to an online D, honestly, if dividing your *assets* is fairly easy, then it could be a good choice. Especially since you don't have kids together. I know this may not be comforting, although there isnt a need to drag something out that your h feels he * needs* to move on. And those are *his* feelings to keep pushing forward. I witnessed that too.Yes, they all bring up petty garbage that has nothing to do with anything. It's just what they do.
Can I ask you a question? What do you want to discuss with him? And I don't mean that harshly. Oh I know text isn't really the way to hammer out the division of assets:-) Do you think if you talk with him that you will *see* something or change his mind? I'm just asking because it's understandable. You are a very compassionate person and I get the impression you still think that (at least right now) you can show him you love him and will stick by him. I say that with kindness and because you seem like such a wonderful person. Your h is no longer the h you knew, though. However, you don' t have to defend your choice to have a certain type of R with him if you D. Remember , you can't rationalize or logic with crazy. His journey. Let him go. Don't engage with nutty.
Sending you a hug !
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 10/07/1406:34 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
hey S, I only have a few moments right now. I am sorry he is spewing but not at all surprised.
His life is not looking at all like he thought it would. It's making him spin. So now, he has to really get rid of you. Yea, thats it, that will do it....NOT! But that is his mindset.
Please do not engage...like the word game thing. Just ignore what you can. You cant fight the trajectory of this right now. He has to do this in his mind.
No need to answer all of that because nothing you say will make a difference.
I agree with G, not sure what meeting in person will accomplish except more spew.
He is trying to get you to hear him. Since to him it seems like you arent....he is yelling louder.
If he wants to divorce, let him do what he needs to do. Dont help it along, but, dont try to fight it either. That will only make him dig in deeper.
I am sorry this hurts. I am sorry he is in crisis. I know without a single doubt that you will get through this.
He is in bad shape right now. His mind is going a mile a minute. Get off the ride...
I have been working through accepting this part of the process for a while. Only recently have I truly "got it" that it is another layer he needs to destroy to get where he can even see past blame. It may not even be enough. But, yeah... He's now bent on this.
I requested the in person with no expectation of him agreeing. I have no new information for him. He knows how I feel. I don't even feel the need to reiterate.
For one, he is very confused and had made several "clerical" mistakes since before his suicide attempt. I am pretty sure there will be some level of clarification and missed assets from a document he drew from the internet. I don't feel he is out to get me on purpose, but I don't trust his accuracy. So, some of the meeting would be to save time since there will be stuff to figure out.
Another part of the request, knowing he may not agree? Was that I feel I deserve that respect. Going forward, for me, I need to be clear on what I want. And ask for what I believe I deserve. In rediscovering my own self-respect, I know I deserve the respect of discussing this in person vs. text messaging. He may choose to decline, and that's ok. But I'm still going to ask for myself. I'm worth that, as it turns out. .
Hey Shining, Yeah, I get his "D will be no big deal" crap. I got it too. How "easy" it will be, how it won't have ANY negative effect on the kids (in fact because she will automatically become "happy" once the D is final, she will be a "better" mother than she is now!), how I will find out that I will be happier without her myself, on and on. They think that just because they want it to be that way, it will be. Remember this is from someone who experienced her parents unbelievably bad D that took over 10 years because of her fathers trying to keep her mother from getting a penny ...and almost succeeded! You would think she would know better, but, like everyone says, they just don't see reality.
When my w started the D she had this vision of us being all friendly and "co-parenting", spending holidays together because she will be so happy, etc. Even when she told me that she had seen a lawyer a week after telling me she wasn't going to and she had no intention of filing for D, she actually thought I'd be "happy" that she went and that now she could answer all my questions. She was actually shocked that I was upset that she had lied to me. Part of MLC is that they just don't understand why anyone could possibly not see how "right" they are. How they just have no choice but to do what they are doing.
Shining, just keep in mind there is no possible way to have any kind of "normal" R with your H. There comes a point where you have to understand that all that it takes to set them off is for you to not just agree with whatever they say. Think about that. Could you ever be "friends" with someone who goes crazy and starts spewing at you just because you disagreed with them about anything? Of course not. In their world there is no "give and take" and if you don't just roll over and say OK about anything, you become the evil person who doesn't want them to be "happy". It's not about you, it's about him.
Who knows what set him off this time. In fact, it doesn't matter. He will find a "reason" until he gets what it is he thinks he "needs" to be happy and nothing you do will change that. You told him that you won't be his "friend" if he files for D. Well, now that makes you "bad". He just can't see or care about what you are going through. Like a child he only sees that you won't give him what he wants so he's going to take his ball and go home (like you said).
You are handling it well. Stay strong. You know what the truth is whether he see's it or not.
Thank you, uR. You're on the money. (As usual). He wants this done, and done now.
I won't meet with him if you think it's best to just deal with everything via text and email. I really do believe he needs this D to happen. I am not trying to stop it. I'm not trying to change his mind because I can't. This is much bigger than that.
Without a doubt in my mind, I know that R isn't even a little bit possible. I see how broken he is. I can't fix him. I quit trying to change his mind. I'm going with all of it. Like the house, and everything else, I know the process.
I was working from my own gut, and thinking of who I want to be, and how I want to be treated, regardless of what H does. I'm so ok not meeting.
It may sound weird, but part of it was an excercise for me to just ask. Just to ask for the respect I deserve is hard sometimes. Does that even make sense?
This whole thing started because he got a bill in his mail from the ortho. The insurance is under his name, so it was forwarded to his apartment instead of mine. That was enough of a reminder of what he no longer wishes to be a part of, for the spew fest to begin.
I haven't responded. I probably won't, at least not for a long time.
Oh.... Now he texted a screenshot of someone's fb post announcing a big company near us that is hiring.... Can he really go this all over the place this quickly? The speed of his mood swings is getting faster..... I've never seen anything like it.
He is not making sense, that's for sure. While he steamrolls through to the D, and gets angry at the thought of not remaining friends, he once did say, "I didn't say D will make me happy. I'm saying I can't and won't be with you." Because it was such a beating to be married to me..... Ok. He feels what he feels. He feels beaten. True or not, that's what he is basing his decisions on.
Another thing he hasn't considered, and I am not even going to bring this up.... Is that If he D me, I would be free to date.
To be clear, I do not wish to date. But I would be free to do so, should I decide that is what I want to do.
He will come unglued. Even if we are D. I know this. Time will tell what happens when he realizes what D really means.
He has to learn the way he learns. I can't tell him. That's for sure.
Now THAT ^^^^^ is going to get you to the bacon...
T!!! I want that bacon!!!!
I'm sorry, I meant to respond right away and I got distracted. I've been a bit scattered today.
It occurred to me, that while it holds H back from becoming whole if he keeps looking back at me as a distraction, that it's the same in reverse.
Like I can't fully "heal" until he is not in my life. Not like this, anyway.
I don't want this D. At all. I'm against it. Entirely against it. But, part of me? Wants it behind me. If it's going to happen anyway, I want it done, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In other news,
D13 looks adorable with her new metal mouth.
I scored another interview in my city, one mile from my apartment. Doesn't pay as much, but wouldn't need to, either. It's on Friday morning....yay!
I could tell H to take this car and shuvit..... Get something I don't have to make payments on. I don't care what I drive. A car has never made a difference in my happiness.
Did your daughter get the colored bands for her braces? They have some cool colors and it's great that the kids can actually participate in how they want their braces to look. How long does she have to wear them?
I'm glad to see you got an interview for Friday. Write down your questions/concerns so that you can discuss them during the interview. One mile from your place sounds wonderful.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, job! Yep! She went with purple . She wears them for 2 more years....ugh. Hopefully it will keep the boys away. Yeah. Wishful, I know.
I had a great conversation with the hiring manager today. She was concerned about the salary being lower than what I've been making. It wasn't even that much lower.
I shot her straight, which I tend to do...I don't play the game well. She seemed to appreciate that.
I told her what I made starting at my last place, and what I ended at. The offer would be where I started my last job. I told her that I was still interested. The location and job details (can do with eyes closed) are promising. If the benefits and people make for a good balance, the salary number isn't as important to me.
My ends need to meet at the end of the month. I need to be in a positive environment close to my kids.
I hate to tell you this...but braces won't keep the boys away. Right now, they are all the rage and all of the kids that are getting them have the colored bans. My niece wore them for about 18 months and wore a lot of the purple, red and green ones. You might get lucky and her teeth will shift into place quickly. Whatever happened to clothes, shoes, etc. being the rage?
I hope everything works out with the interview. It sounds like the hiring manager had some concerns about the salary...but if you've explained things to her, there shouldn't be a problem. It's refreshing when people are honest and not side stepping around about what they are looking for in a position when they are interviewing. I'm sure she was very impressed w/your honestly and that's a strong point in your favor. I totally agree w/you about the benefits and the people are just as important, if not more so, when it comes to working and not just the paycheck.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job! The braces?? Ugh!! Tell me about it! She agonized for days over which color to choose....narrowed it down to purple or blue. I think she had a poll going on instagram. Part of the 13 year old attention stuff, I suppose.
Her teeth were far worse than her brothers. She had to get an expander....one tooth just didn't have any room to come down on it's own. So, I had to crank that thing every night for 6 weeks!! Like a medieval torture device.
She was taking "selfies" in the waiting room. We had to get the before and after, of course. She's pretty excited. The pain hasn't begun yet.
It's going to be mashed potato poems tonight....
Thank you for the encouragement, job. I'm hopeful for the interview as well. It's a small company. The president has started up several in his experience. I'm planning to research him and his companies this evening. A few concerns with this one being one of his start ups, but it can also work positively.
I had the opportunity to make a pretty salary, but drive a total of 3 hours each day. I just can't make that sound good in my head, no matter what they pay. It would have been doable if my older boys were staying here. But, since it's now going to be me, single momming it with S16 and D13, my priorities have changed. Less money, more parenting. I'm comfortable seeking a lower level job to be more available for them. I'm all they have here. And they are all I have, too. And that's everything.
OMG! My sister had to do the same thing with her daughter's teeth, i.e., the expander. My niece was 12 when she got them and she's now 14, but her smile is absolutely beautiful. Just about every girl in her class had them. Now, the boys weren't keen about them at all and didn't want them if they could get away w/not getting them.
She has no idea what the pain will be like. It was jello and soup after each visit for a couple of days. Oh, and don't forget the toothbrushes and all of the other stuff that she will need.
I did 4 hours each day in commuting for many years, so I know what you are talking about. You definitely have to be close by w/your children the ages that they are. So much can happen and it could be things that you wouldn't think would happen. It's just not a safe environment any more for kids. I think you are very wise in looking for something closer to home. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers on Friday.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
We both are dealing with spouses who have attempted suicide. I have also seen that your spouse and mine are both driven to get the divorce done. They both seem fixated on it. I feel that both you and i are coming to the same conclusion. We will have to get the divorce over for them to move beyond it. I don't believe it will help either one, but both will need to find this out for themselves. I feel my wife will continue to spiral down and keep trying suicide until either she get the divorce or she succeeds.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
All 4 of mine now have or had braces... I never did. I wanted them. My dentist at the time said I was "on the fence".... Well. If my folks could better use that money on beer and cigarettes, my teeth were far lower on that list.
The issue of braces was one of the biggest fights I've ever had with H. I never understood it.
Almost exactly one year ago, my S16 who was then 15, was long overdue for his braces. H had a quirky thing about braces for all of my kids. I kept putting it off, and putting it off... H kids BOTH had braces. Why couldn't mine?
Even more odd, because he didn't have to pay for them. Xh has to pay. It was not H decision to make, and it didn't effect him financially. Why the issue??
I was in the emergency room one year ago, endo pain and complications leading to complete Hysterectomy. As I'm laying in the hospital bed, the topic of braces came up non-related to my kids. H started complaining about S15 needing braces, and I explained it shouldn't matter to H. Then he went ballistic and was yelling at me! As I'm writhing in pain!
I had taken S for a consultation the week before, because it was a regular scheduled thing on his plan. H made it into this personal attack on H, and said I did that behind his back. I was like, what???? How does this even effect you? It made absolutely no sense. And the fact that I was doubled over, and he chose then to address this. It made no sense then.
I know now what was going on. He was already spewing.
He threw the braces thing into today's text attack. But.....NOT D13. She can do no wrong. He brought up the fight from a year ago. The issue that had no affect on him. So we need to D.
Yep. On to the future!! It's more clear everyday. The more still I am. The answers come, job. Just as you say. They do.
Shining, Continue taking care of you and your children. I'm sorry your h gave you a fit over the braces. It's not like it was a luxury item, but something that is necessary because down the road, the kids could have some very serious issues with their bite or even get TMJ if alignment isn't good. What a putz!
Hang in there. The more you sit quietly, the answers will definitely come. Try not to take his spewing personally.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
LT, I agree, we are similar in the D sense. H was pushing in the beginning, when he had ow. Then she went away, and it stopped.
Now that he is all alone, he's pushing again. He is very depressed. Very low T as well. He can't make himself feel better.
I'm so fearful he will attempt again. Almost paralyzed by that fear. He seems to be content giving up. He said I will never be replaced. But he's pushing me away, so hard.
I know this will happen. He is completely fixated, as you say. He won't stop until it's done, and he becomes fixated on something else.
I pray he becomes fixated on fixing ...himself.
I hope and pray, that neither one, your W or my H, tries again.
Oh, how did I forget the sitting quietly thing. Man, I lived by that all winter. Even though my answer came like a wrecking ball, it came. I need to sit quietly more often. I found peace in it.
OK, Shining, my dear. Sorry about the braces thing with xh. Isn't that weird? There were things like that xh used to trip out about, too. What's the deal?!
My d13 had her braces off last week! She looks so stinkin' cute! My d would do the colors based on what was coming up, a holiday, season, event- that kind of thing.
Oh man... the spewing you are dealing with. I think it is part of the territory. I often hear of the spewing along the "I'm filing" timeline. I got the saaaammmme type of texts. Just try to ignore them. I know it stinks. It hurts. It is confusing. I had a lot of the same thoughts as you. I didn't want a d. But I didn't want to fight it either. It was just one of those... hey, bud, do what you gotta do.
I don't know exactly what the anger part is. But, I can guess it is definitely not about us. Maybe they do it to try to get us to release them or something. I believe xh regretted it. The last convo we had right before we were d he was clearly upset and said it wasn't a relief. Too much damage for us though. He was already committed elsewhere. Well, you know that garbage. The point is, I think you are doing the right thing. You are releasing. You are focused on you.
Shining you are fighting for him not with him. You fighting for him because you are doing the hardest thing. Letting go. Letting him find his way. That is a tough thing to do. Fighting with him will not allow him the space or energy to focus his attention were needed. And, girl, it can't be on you right now. When he redirects focus on you..... he's gonna be like, what????? What did I do?????
C'mon, now, Shining! You got this!
Good luck with the interview. Knock their boooooooots off.
Hey S, if you feel that you want to meet with him, for your personal reasons, then you should. Just as long as there arent any expectations and you know he will most likely spew. I hear you on the being deserving of respect.
I wonder if something happened with your h's teeth when he was a child. Like he needed braces and didnt get them or was teased about his teeth, or his parents had a thing with braces. Who knows?
I agree with you about the job. Those ages are very important ones for you to be around and on top of stuff. I hope it turns out the way you hope.
It is amazing that these MLCers want to remain friends. I once told my xh, "Sorry, but, I dont count among my friends people who have done the kinds of things you have." Yea, he wasnt happy. Not my problem...see what I did there? <<<< It's such a wonderful phrase. LOL!
It really is a sad thing, what they do and who they become. I cannot imagine feeling as they do and causing the havoc that they cause.
I always said it would bring my xh to his knees if he ever truly grasped the depth of destruction his actions wrought.
My friend, I cannot imagine your fear that he will harm himself. I am sorry you have to feel that. Sorry he felt such despair to attempt that.
I actually think that a MLC can be a godsend for most people, if they choose to do the work. I believe it feels like they have been holding their finger in the hole in the dam and cannot any longer. It just eventually bubbles over.
I have found that most MLCers have poor coping skills. They usually revert back to the age when something occured or something wasnt learned.
With my xh, he was 13 when his mom passed away after being ill for 2 years. He didnt learn the skills he needed in order to get through it. No one talked about her or her death. No one helped him to understand or to teach him how to cope.
Many times during all of this, I could see the 13 year old boy.
I know it hurts to see him in such pain and you cant help him. It really does break one's heart. It says so much about you that you feel as you do.
Just as we have to give our children wings, we have to give our MLCers space to find themselves and to fix what's broken. He has a long road ahead.
No one knows what the future holds, S. But I do know it holds you.
You love deeply and truly. I can feel that.
We are alike in a lot of ways...I always say I am a simple girl, too. I like that about me. .
So, I mentioned about my xh. Job, Trav, Mach and Eric and others all know about him. He is one of the crazier ones. Some of the things that have come out of his mouth would astound you. Truly. I have to go back and find some of the conversations. Talk about wanting to bang your head against the wall. LOL!
We have a strange relationship. We dont really talk much, we text infrequently. But every so often he reaches out and lays some thoughts on me. They never cease to amaze me. He is a tunnel hugger for sure. Dont know if he will ever get out, poor man.
He told me recently that the light went out of his life when I was no longer in it. I believe he meant it. I know it did. My hope, no matter what he's done, is and always will be that he finds peace and happiness in his life. Everyone deserves that.
I too have lived with the fear that she will attempt again. Well, she may have as she is back in the hospital. I feel that both our spouses may be more ill than what others here are dealing with. I don't want either myself or my kids to keep living with this fear.
I took some time this evening to really think things through. I believe that as long as they have this fixation of divorce they probably will not move beyond it. Allowing the divorce to go through does not mean you are giving up. I am looking at it more as an adjustment much like a general makes during a war as the situation changes. I think holding on trying to prevent the divorce may be more damaging at this point. Even if my wife has to be institutionalized for a while she won't have the divorce to fixate on and will have to start living within her decision.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Although I never wanted to be here, I'm not ashamed to let it happen. He is so desperate. He feels he needs this. I love him enough to let him have what he feels he needs. Even though that means letting him go.
I haven't given up on us, maybe years down the road. If he comes through this. I pray he does. This is so hard to know he hurts. He's so miserable. It's hard to not love him anyway. I can't help it.
I'm going with the flow of things, as opposed to going against. I will not fight H. I think it has confused him ever since I read DB and DR. I simply do not engage in fights he picks.
H is still spinning. No idea why, and it doesn't matter. The energy is different, though. Something is up.
He sent a couple of texts. First one, he asked about D13. (His favorite) He knew about her braces. He asked if she was excited, and said, "I sure miss her."
????
A while later, he sent that he wanted to come by and pick up a piece of furniture from my storage. ( I had said he could have it a few weeks ago.)
"Can I get that table on way home?"
I said, "ok."
Then he changed his mind. "Can't come today now. I'm very busy. I don't know when I can get it."
I replied, "ok."
Then he sent that he has been very busy helping his D19 because she got into a wreck last weekend. (He didn't know I already knew).
The text was a little garbled....misspelled worse than normal. I don't like that. Reminds me of February.
I replied, "Is she ok?"
He said "yes. I'm very busy. Don't worry." .... and that was that.
Saaaayyyyyy........huh? Are there many others this loopy? What is that about?
There is a tension in the air. I know it's not me! and I haven't done anything to cause this. But I feel a strange thing. Idk. Maybe I'm losing it.
Breathe. Ok!!! Done. No more of him, now.
Blech. Ptooey. Time for something new.....need a change.
How cold will it be in NY next week???
It was a clear 95 here today....
I'm guessing I won't be wearing flip-flops....hence the BOOOOOOOTS!
I had the same thing happen last week with my wife. Things started happening like just before her first attempt. Now she is back in the hospital for who knows how long. I also know she has told my middle daughter and her family that she has lost our youngest. Tomorrow I plan on seeing how I can get the lawyers un stuck and get it moving along.
It is amazing how confused they seem to get. I think this very visible confusion is a sign of just how messed up their minds are. I don't know if their minds can heal, but I know they won't if they are fixated on us and divorcing us.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Shining I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this spew! They really are crazy!
I think that fixation on the LBS and need to D is just their way of prolonging having to face their own chit. At one point several months ago my H said to me " well you're not doing X anymore" ...... He went on to list like 10 complaints. " but I don't know if I can get over it".
Really? I thought that was called marriage and give and take and being grown ups who learn and change together. Oh and by the way YOU had the EA dude!! ( that's what I wanted to say but didn't).
I also saw a darker time a month or two after my H's suicide attempt. I was very worried but he never quite seemed to sink as far as previous. I hope it is the same for your H.
Hang in there!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Shining- don't read into anything. Right now is when detachment is so important. He has no idea what is going on. He feel like he has to go but does not want to lose you. The thought of, we need to d, but I want to play word games.
Don't give it any energy. Give him a taste of no Shining. That thought may make it easier to detach.
He is a lost, confused man. He has a lot to figure out. Don't take it personally. I know it hurts and that you wish you could change it. I know.
You deserve to be fought for. Let him. When he is ready. Shining is amazing. Truly. Amazing.
I know you wish you would pull the blinds open and let him see reality.
Hopefully he will get to that point on his own. And to do it on your own has so much more meaning.
I'm sorry Shining. This is a tough time, but you are so tough, yourself. You are strong, you know your value. You have your kids' best interest first.
You keep the focus where it belongs. You, Shining... don't even worry about it. Really. The ups and downs are so evident in his emotions and cycling. He is a lost soul. You can't find him because he does not know where he is. And he is not sending an S.O.S. He wants to know you are there, but does not want to be pulled to shore. He has to swim, Shining. Thing of how much stronger and more confident he would be.
Let him swim. You, my dear, have your own amazing self and boooooots, and kids, and gigs to focus on. That's where the sweet spots are right now. Who doesn't like sweets? I do. For sure. And boooooots.
Shining - jumping in here on the 'we can still be friends' or 'why can't we be friends (like every other divorced couple in the known multiverses)
I have just read an amazing book about narcissism (I do not think we are allowed to cite books any more) While I don't think my xh used to be an overt narcissists, now in MLC, he ticks every box. And so do most of the MLCers described on these boards, in terms of their entitled and unempathetic behaviours
The author's clinical experience has led her to believe that (among other things) narcissists crave acceptance and I think this 'we can still be friends' phrase is part of that need to do this stuff and still be accepted by us. They can reject, but cannot handle rejection. You are right to think of your husband as a small and frightened child - and when in a tight spot they will lash out before anyone can criticise them. So spewing is actually a sign of the guilt they really feel. But they need to be perfect, so it can't be them right? Therefore it must be us . . . .
Incidentally, I have come to realise that we don't actually drop the rope - the rope drops us, if that isn't too zen. We stop needing to hang on, and then we aren't any more.
The other thing I like about the book is that it encourages us to consider how we respond to narcissistic behaviour, and why we have difficulty dealing with it This differs from person to person but reflects our own inner damage and provides the opportunity of fix it.
Narcissists are very fragile people and consequently resistant to change - even if they seek therapy it is often to bolster their own view. Until they see any need to change we are better off not having them in our lives, unless we have to.
Thank you, bea. I did some research on this about 8 years ago because of my xh. I went back and reviewed.... H does tick most of those boxes... Ugh. It's so spot on. H used to be so opposite xh in every way. So selfish now.
Does the narcissism subside as MLC ends? I suppose it's different for everyone, like everything else, no guarantees of anything.
I didn't sleep much last night. Not H problems....
A while back, D13 told me about a boy at her school, she felt was a bit of a "stalker". I'll call him "B".
B has had a crush on D13 for 2 years. Shy, nothing concerning, just needy. Harmless. Until now.
D13 showed me a screenshot on her school-issued iPad, that B wrote a long, death threat letter with the title, "kill plan" at the top. B detailed his plan, his targets (3 boys that are D13 friends) and his path. I mean....detailed. Lots of thought put into this. Date, time, school area, teachers, doors, entrance, exit, weapons, graphic nature of injuries and deaths.....Also the three possible ways it would end. This is an 8th grader.
B wanted to eliminate the 3 boys because, in his mind, if they were out of the way, D13 would like him.
It was one of the scariest things I've ever read.
I called the police after I read it. It was around 10:00 last night. I texted the parents of the boys. D13 told the boys what I was doing, and they were all very good about talking to their parents. We are pressing charges.
I also emailed the school principal last night, and sent the screenshot, and the police info. I've been at the school all morning, but D13 and I are home now.
Detective has taken it from here. From what I've heard, they have not detained B yet. He was not in school.
Until they confirm that the threat has been mitigated, I can't send her.
They can't release details since B is a minor, but they can tell me when it's safe.
Shining, I'm very sorry to come here this morning and read what transpired last evening. I'm glad your daughter showed you the message and you took action. Yes, he sounds very much like a stalker and I hope that action will be taken to help this young man. Hopefully, the parents will take action and remove him from the school and place him in an environment where he's supervised more closely. This is nothing to play around with.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Holy Moly shining! When it rains, it pours! This is exactly the kind of thing I worry about with my D14 and the fact that my W leaves her home alone after school almost every night until 9:00! What happens if a nutty kid like this one starts wanting my d's attention and finds out she is alone like that constantly? The fact it's YOUR D is the scariest part!
I will say this, schools do take this kind of thing VERY seriously nowadays. I doubt he will be back in that school anytime soon. Just be very thankful; that you found his plan and be proud that your D13 was smart enough and trusts you enough to bring it to your attention. You raised a smart kid there.
YIKES! I too am very grateful this was brought to attention before anything awful happened. I can only imagine how terrifying this must be for all involved. And yes, now that the authorities have been notified, it will be treated VERY seriously.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Catching up on your thread and wow! What a week you've had! So scary about your D and the stalker. I am so glad she showed you that note. You never know if it is something that could actually come to fruition or if he is acting out but there's certainly NO ROOM for taking any chances with that sort of thing. I hope the school and the police do the right thing to make sure he is not a threat to your D or anyone else.
Praying for comfort, reassurance and rest for you today. You deserve a break!
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Thanks, all, I'm doing ok. Tired and emotional.... Probably from lack of sleep. It seems to be hitting D13 just now.....the severity.
The student, "B"s mother brought him to the school late morning to turn him in. Rumor mill went around that he was seen leaving the school in cuffs. Police told me B is now in custody, where he will remain, pending juvenile court review.
I'm glad this didn't go any further. Proud of he kids for showing us. But, I'm really sad for the kid. Hearing more about his family, home life....I get teary thinking how much pain he must in to be this desperate for attention. I'm praying this cry of help is the turning point in his life.
I think this MLC stuff has me turning into a bit of an empath.
That is some scary stuff. Your poor d! That is a lot for a 13-year-old to take in. So glad she showed you. Poor kid. The other boys' must be so upset too! Man that is upsetting for all...
And the boy who did it, you are right. I feel for him too. I get it. There was a young man in my dist last year who did something similar. I had the same thought; I was hoping he was getting the help he needed.
These kids have got to have some real anger inside to think like this.
Well, I am glad everyone is safe. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Enjoy your time with d13. I hope she was able to eat!
I'm so happy to hear D is okay although that is some scary shizzle! Glad all is okay. Nail that interview this week. We are cheering for you!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thank u, GB, Might, D13 was getting more upset later in the day....it was combination of shizz sinking in and then her braces hurt.
We went to a cute little cafe tonight where S18 and friends were playing an acoustic band... It was really fun. We were silly. I shocked S18 friends with my vast musical knowledge (at least I faked them out real good). The cafe owner made D13 mashed potatoes with shredded chicken and cheese just special for her owie mouth....she was in heaven.
I brought home some gourmet tea for S16....yes, I said tea.... Idk. He's so over my head with class and intellect...he was ecstatic.
I'm ready for that interview, GB! I have zero expectations. I'm going to show them my best Shining. If I'm meant to work there, it will happen. That's where I'm at.
I've had a few more job ops that were not even board-worthy. I've been using my jobless time productively, though. Cleared out half of my storage unit by selling things on CL.
I'm feeling purgey. Getting rid of the old. It's a bit symbolic, don't you think??
Shining, sorry to hear about this whole ordeal with the boy and your D13. I’m glad she is safe. I feel for the boy too. I would be torn if I would have to report this kind of incident to the police. I know that kids do stupid stuff and who knows if he really had serious intentions. But, you cannot take chances when it concerns your D13 safety and safety of other kids. I just hope that he will get some help.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Holy crapola! As if you and kids don't have enough to deal with! The level of detail in that plan was scary- I have no doubt you just averted a serious event. God bless and sending hugs to you and D13!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
I bet your DBing and the work you put in on yourself, helped you to stay calm and take care of this situation.
I know DBing has helped me in many other situations keep my head and not react on pure emotions.
Praying this boy B gets the help he needs.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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