Shining, Continue taking care of you and your children. I'm sorry your h gave you a fit over the braces. It's not like it was a luxury item, but something that is necessary because down the road, the kids could have some very serious issues with their bite or even get TMJ if alignment isn't good. What a putz!
Hang in there. The more you sit quietly, the answers will definitely come. Try not to take his spewing personally.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
LT, I agree, we are similar in the D sense. H was pushing in the beginning, when he had ow. Then she went away, and it stopped.
Now that he is all alone, he's pushing again. He is very depressed. Very low T as well. He can't make himself feel better.
I'm so fearful he will attempt again. Almost paralyzed by that fear. He seems to be content giving up. He said I will never be replaced. But he's pushing me away, so hard.
I know this will happen. He is completely fixated, as you say. He won't stop until it's done, and he becomes fixated on something else.
I pray he becomes fixated on fixing ...himself.
I hope and pray, that neither one, your W or my H, tries again.
Oh, how did I forget the sitting quietly thing. Man, I lived by that all winter. Even though my answer came like a wrecking ball, it came. I need to sit quietly more often. I found peace in it.
OK, Shining, my dear. Sorry about the braces thing with xh. Isn't that weird? There were things like that xh used to trip out about, too. What's the deal?!
My d13 had her braces off last week! She looks so stinkin' cute! My d would do the colors based on what was coming up, a holiday, season, event- that kind of thing.
Oh man... the spewing you are dealing with. I think it is part of the territory. I often hear of the spewing along the "I'm filing" timeline. I got the saaaammmme type of texts. Just try to ignore them. I know it stinks. It hurts. It is confusing. I had a lot of the same thoughts as you. I didn't want a d. But I didn't want to fight it either. It was just one of those... hey, bud, do what you gotta do.
I don't know exactly what the anger part is. But, I can guess it is definitely not about us. Maybe they do it to try to get us to release them or something. I believe xh regretted it. The last convo we had right before we were d he was clearly upset and said it wasn't a relief. Too much damage for us though. He was already committed elsewhere. Well, you know that garbage. The point is, I think you are doing the right thing. You are releasing. You are focused on you.
Shining you are fighting for him not with him. You fighting for him because you are doing the hardest thing. Letting go. Letting him find his way. That is a tough thing to do. Fighting with him will not allow him the space or energy to focus his attention were needed. And, girl, it can't be on you right now. When he redirects focus on you..... he's gonna be like, what????? What did I do?????
C'mon, now, Shining! You got this!
Good luck with the interview. Knock their boooooooots off.
Hey S, if you feel that you want to meet with him, for your personal reasons, then you should. Just as long as there arent any expectations and you know he will most likely spew. I hear you on the being deserving of respect.
I wonder if something happened with your h's teeth when he was a child. Like he needed braces and didnt get them or was teased about his teeth, or his parents had a thing with braces. Who knows?
I agree with you about the job. Those ages are very important ones for you to be around and on top of stuff. I hope it turns out the way you hope.
It is amazing that these MLCers want to remain friends. I once told my xh, "Sorry, but, I dont count among my friends people who have done the kinds of things you have." Yea, he wasnt happy. Not my problem...see what I did there? <<<< It's such a wonderful phrase. LOL!
It really is a sad thing, what they do and who they become. I cannot imagine feeling as they do and causing the havoc that they cause.
I always said it would bring my xh to his knees if he ever truly grasped the depth of destruction his actions wrought.
My friend, I cannot imagine your fear that he will harm himself. I am sorry you have to feel that. Sorry he felt such despair to attempt that.
I actually think that a MLC can be a godsend for most people, if they choose to do the work. I believe it feels like they have been holding their finger in the hole in the dam and cannot any longer. It just eventually bubbles over.
I have found that most MLCers have poor coping skills. They usually revert back to the age when something occured or something wasnt learned.
With my xh, he was 13 when his mom passed away after being ill for 2 years. He didnt learn the skills he needed in order to get through it. No one talked about her or her death. No one helped him to understand or to teach him how to cope.
Many times during all of this, I could see the 13 year old boy.
I know it hurts to see him in such pain and you cant help him. It really does break one's heart. It says so much about you that you feel as you do.
Just as we have to give our children wings, we have to give our MLCers space to find themselves and to fix what's broken. He has a long road ahead.
No one knows what the future holds, S. But I do know it holds you.
You love deeply and truly. I can feel that.
We are alike in a lot of ways...I always say I am a simple girl, too. I like that about me. .
So, I mentioned about my xh. Job, Trav, Mach and Eric and others all know about him. He is one of the crazier ones. Some of the things that have come out of his mouth would astound you. Truly. I have to go back and find some of the conversations. Talk about wanting to bang your head against the wall. LOL!
We have a strange relationship. We dont really talk much, we text infrequently. But every so often he reaches out and lays some thoughts on me. They never cease to amaze me. He is a tunnel hugger for sure. Dont know if he will ever get out, poor man.
He told me recently that the light went out of his life when I was no longer in it. I believe he meant it. I know it did. My hope, no matter what he's done, is and always will be that he finds peace and happiness in his life. Everyone deserves that.
I too have lived with the fear that she will attempt again. Well, she may have as she is back in the hospital. I feel that both our spouses may be more ill than what others here are dealing with. I don't want either myself or my kids to keep living with this fear.
I took some time this evening to really think things through. I believe that as long as they have this fixation of divorce they probably will not move beyond it. Allowing the divorce to go through does not mean you are giving up. I am looking at it more as an adjustment much like a general makes during a war as the situation changes. I think holding on trying to prevent the divorce may be more damaging at this point. Even if my wife has to be institutionalized for a while she won't have the divorce to fixate on and will have to start living within her decision.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Although I never wanted to be here, I'm not ashamed to let it happen. He is so desperate. He feels he needs this. I love him enough to let him have what he feels he needs. Even though that means letting him go.
I haven't given up on us, maybe years down the road. If he comes through this. I pray he does. This is so hard to know he hurts. He's so miserable. It's hard to not love him anyway. I can't help it.
I'm going with the flow of things, as opposed to going against. I will not fight H. I think it has confused him ever since I read DB and DR. I simply do not engage in fights he picks.
H is still spinning. No idea why, and it doesn't matter. The energy is different, though. Something is up.
He sent a couple of texts. First one, he asked about D13. (His favorite) He knew about her braces. He asked if she was excited, and said, "I sure miss her."
????
A while later, he sent that he wanted to come by and pick up a piece of furniture from my storage. ( I had said he could have it a few weeks ago.)
"Can I get that table on way home?"
I said, "ok."
Then he changed his mind. "Can't come today now. I'm very busy. I don't know when I can get it."
I replied, "ok."
Then he sent that he has been very busy helping his D19 because she got into a wreck last weekend. (He didn't know I already knew).
The text was a little garbled....misspelled worse than normal. I don't like that. Reminds me of February.
I replied, "Is she ok?"
He said "yes. I'm very busy. Don't worry." .... and that was that.
Saaaayyyyyy........huh? Are there many others this loopy? What is that about?
There is a tension in the air. I know it's not me! and I haven't done anything to cause this. But I feel a strange thing. Idk. Maybe I'm losing it.
Breathe. Ok!!! Done. No more of him, now.
Blech. Ptooey. Time for something new.....need a change.
How cold will it be in NY next week???
It was a clear 95 here today....
I'm guessing I won't be wearing flip-flops....hence the BOOOOOOOTS!
I had the same thing happen last week with my wife. Things started happening like just before her first attempt. Now she is back in the hospital for who knows how long. I also know she has told my middle daughter and her family that she has lost our youngest. Tomorrow I plan on seeing how I can get the lawyers un stuck and get it moving along.
It is amazing how confused they seem to get. I think this very visible confusion is a sign of just how messed up their minds are. I don't know if their minds can heal, but I know they won't if they are fixated on us and divorcing us.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Shining I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this spew! They really are crazy!
I think that fixation on the LBS and need to D is just their way of prolonging having to face their own chit. At one point several months ago my H said to me " well you're not doing X anymore" ...... He went on to list like 10 complaints. " but I don't know if I can get over it".
Really? I thought that was called marriage and give and take and being grown ups who learn and change together. Oh and by the way YOU had the EA dude!! ( that's what I wanted to say but didn't).
I also saw a darker time a month or two after my H's suicide attempt. I was very worried but he never quite seemed to sink as far as previous. I hope it is the same for your H.
Hang in there!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Shining- don't read into anything. Right now is when detachment is so important. He has no idea what is going on. He feel like he has to go but does not want to lose you. The thought of, we need to d, but I want to play word games.
Don't give it any energy. Give him a taste of no Shining. That thought may make it easier to detach.
He is a lost, confused man. He has a lot to figure out. Don't take it personally. I know it hurts and that you wish you could change it. I know.
You deserve to be fought for. Let him. When he is ready. Shining is amazing. Truly. Amazing.
I know you wish you would pull the blinds open and let him see reality.
Hopefully he will get to that point on his own. And to do it on your own has so much more meaning.
I'm sorry Shining. This is a tough time, but you are so tough, yourself. You are strong, you know your value. You have your kids' best interest first.
You keep the focus where it belongs. You, Shining... don't even worry about it. Really. The ups and downs are so evident in his emotions and cycling. He is a lost soul. You can't find him because he does not know where he is. And he is not sending an S.O.S. He wants to know you are there, but does not want to be pulled to shore. He has to swim, Shining. Thing of how much stronger and more confident he would be.
Let him swim. You, my dear, have your own amazing self and boooooots, and kids, and gigs to focus on. That's where the sweet spots are right now. Who doesn't like sweets? I do. For sure. And boooooots.
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