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job #2493162 10/01/14 09:00 PM
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Thanks, job. smile

It felt good!

H has TONS of new medical issues/complaints.

Not sleeping, having ED, his skin condition has flared up worse than ever, sinuses, body aches, and today was eye floaters.... And he's all alone with it, as he wanted.

I don't have anger toward him. But I'm not holding my breath anymore. It's like I have this vision that he has to go on his journey alone, far away....until I can't see him in the distance, in order to become whole. Then when he circles back toward me, he will be ready.

Just a mental image that helps me realize how long this takes. Now I see it....no matter how many touch and go we have right now, he's still on the outbound train.

Shining #2493166 10/01/14 09:04 PM
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Medical issues, whether they are real or imagined, show up quite frequently during the crisis.

Your vision is a good one and that's the way it has to happen. He needs to travel the world, experience it and then figure himself out, i.e., grow up, and then return home and win your trust and relationship back. Until then, continue to be that lighthouse in the storm.

Last edited by job; 10/01/14 09:04 PM.
job #2493184 10/01/14 09:34 PM
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Thanks Shining, you're pretty specical yourself.

And yay!!! Good on you for catching yourself and for being busy.

I was thinking of you today. I was remembering some of my journey. I remember thinking how was it that my h could wake up and decide he had stopped loving me. It was a hurt that I had never experienced. It cut to my core. It was saying to me that the person I loved and trusted most in this world no longer had use for me. I wasnt needed any longer. I wasnt loved. I wasnt worthy. I wasnt enough.

When I looked at those things over time I realized those were feelings I recognized. I had felt those feelings before...in my childhood. So for me, those memories came flooding back.

I remember that at BD, because of how badly I already felt about myself, that those feelings of unworthiness were intensified.

So I set about trying to go back to when those feelings had surfaced. Once I did that, I began my journey.

I did two things. I figured out who I wanted to be and put a plan together to be that person. Then I figured out who I had been. That's when I figured out about the mirrors. I had to look really hard at people when I interacted with them. I had to listen and believe what people said to me and about me. I had to accept that I was the only one who could determine my worth.

I am so happy you are looking within and finding you. Now I want to see you look outward and see what is reflected back. It could be anyone. It could be a small interaction..a smile even.

I can tell you what I see. I see a smart,capable, funny, witty and compassionate women who loves her children dearly.

Once you see who you are, the pain of rejection starts to recede. It's then that you realize it is not a rejection of you. It is a rejection of him. He isnt happy with who he is.

He has to look inside, unencumbered, without excuses or scapegoats in order to come out of this whole.

You are on an amazing journey. It is filled with all sorts of things and feelings and insights.

You cant fix his life. You cant hold his hand. You cant make him whole. If you tried to, this would come back tenfold.

So, yeah, the letting go stuff is freakin hard because we do what we know. Until we realize something different.

You just keep on moving forward, with the understanding there will be backslides. The hope is that they become less and less frequent and intense.

You are doing this, S. You really are.

You just have to take the last leap of faith.

uRworthy #2493220 10/01/14 10:59 PM
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Quote:
Once you see who you are, the pain of rejection starts to recede. It's then that you realize it is not a rejection of you. It is a rejection of him. He isnt happy with who he is.
It's hard to add to what UR said. She's a smart cookie. She is absolutely spot on with this. You should re-read that post a few times until it sinks in. Seriously.

I know from my experience, I did similar. Just when I thought I was done, I got a clue-by-four upside the head. GolfMom gave it to me and I'm forever grateful. She pointed out how I was competing. I had to answer why (to me). So I dug deeper than I thought I could.

Know what? I came to realize that I had been looking to my ex in much the same way I was looking to my own mother. My mother loved me and met my needs, don't get me wrong. But she was diagnosed when I was 14 and died when I was 16 (my birthdays). My father took a ride on the wild side for about 20 years following. That left me with my grandparents mostly. I met my ex not long after that (17) and we married when I was 20.

I was expecting my ex to be like my mother. That's not inhuman - we all do that with our mate to some degree, and we become like our parents to some degree. It's how we are and how we view "normal" in most cases.

Did it drive her away? Not at all. Was it a lot of pressure? She thought so (among other thoughts). It's why it was hard to figure out why she was so violently angry and looked for reasons to leave. She didn't quietly leave. She has expressed anger as recently as this summer with me. That's many years later, but it was really not important. What is important is that I figured out my own self-worth without her in the picture.

Were her accusations true? Some had a grain of truth. Most were wild and wacky. She left the kids with me when she moved out the first time on Mother's day and took the dining room table. The kids and I ate on the floor that night smile Fond memories regardless of the pain I felt at the time. The pain for my kids, for my ex, for me, for our family.

Once I re-established a good sense of self (where'd it go? I was gobsmacked when the BD occurred. I felt it.) I could look back on many memories more fondly. I could and can let my ex and her husband spew without reacting.

Why? Because although I realized it wasn't about me to begin with, I needed to dig deep and figure me out without being encumbered by her in the picture. Turns out that was a long process that will continue for the rest of my life. I like that about life. smile

This really is his problem. Your opportunity is to see yourself without using the lens of others. Very rewarding opportunity. Very. And to echo UR, once you do that, you'll be free. Freer than you've ever been before and you'll be able to live a much better life. Not because he's gone, or because he rejected you and the life he built with you, but because you're worth it.

Dig. You'll find the gold.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJM #2493258 10/02/14 01:24 AM
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Hey AJ, thanks....back at ya! smile

Shining, AJ, is someone I respect a great deal. So glad he came by to post to you. smile

uRworthy #2493288 10/02/14 03:14 AM
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I just got home and caught up....wowowowowow....thank you for those posts. I will read them several times over. I already have twice.

I went down to the dog-walking area at my apartments. I chatted with an older couple, and a few others. They smiled at me. They laughed when I was trying to get them to laugh. I listened, and watched more than anything. I felt myself pull back and then I asked myself what was happening....why was I starting to pull back?

So, I listened to what I was saying to myself. What I heard were the old thoughts creeping in of being judged, criticized, made fun of, and told to stop talking and go away.

Then, I heard another voice....the voice of the words on this board, (the voice of little me isn't talking yet..., fyi). But I recognized I wasn't being kind to myself.

So, I made a change....repositioned, stood up, walked...anything to shake up that feeling and lose it. That helped me get back to me.

Overall, I felt more confident than I have in a long time. I came into my apartment smiling. I started to realize, I really don't need him. I can want him, but I don't need him. More than anything, I want us each to be whole.

If he finds his way back to me after his journey, he will be one lucky son-of-a-gun.... wink

I do still love him. But it isn't mattering as much what he does anymore. I do expect a backslide here and there.... But I have had flashes of what it is to be detached....small bits....samples. FUN SIZED!!!

Yeah....I hope you all saved me a seat up on that mountain with you. Cuz I'm almost there. I really am. Not perfect...but I can taste it. I have a new sense of what that true freedom will feel like.

Shining #2493301 10/02/14 03:57 AM
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I really like the advice UR and AJ gave. They are so smart and experienced.

It's nice to be positive and look at yourself when you start to pull away. I started doing that and I too realized it's not who I want to be. I've been the shy, quiet person when I was young. I didn't want to be judged, I wanted to be liked by everyone.

Now, I want what I want. Who cares what they think (I still do to some extent). Keep being positive and get to that mountain top...your bacon is waiting!


Atsbaby
M:36 H:35
T: 19 M:12
S:11
D:9
BD: 5/4/14
Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her
8/19 admits OW
8/22/14 files D w/o telling me
9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Atsbaby #2493317 10/02/14 05:41 AM
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Shining, good for you for the amazing control you had with the texts. I know, firsthand, how hard it is to control your "fixer" instinct! I think some people think it's to control things, from my perspective I was always just trying to help and save them the trouble with my already discovered solution, LOL! Working on that myself.

I like your "fun sized" detachment! That's a start, right? I think mine is flea-sized at this point.

The advice and words you have been from uR and AJS are amazing. I'm gonna come back here and re-read them myself until they sink in.

Amazing support here. Really and truly.


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
fthnluv #2493491 10/02/14 07:04 PM
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Ok, Shining, I have tears in my eyes. I know exactly what you were feeling when you felt yourself pull away. So very proud of you for recognizing that and redirecting. Amazing what other mirrors can reflect back. smile

You are right, you may want him, but you dont need him. There is a huge difference.

You are exactly where you should be. The idea is to get yourself good and strong, so that if and when he looks towards you, you get to decide what YOU want from a place of strength.

Good on you, my friend. Good on you.

uRworthy #2493509 10/02/14 07:37 PM
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Thank you for your support, Ats, fth, uR!

I've made some good decisions with my job sitch....I'll organize my thoughts and post about that later.

I'm feeling more momentum now, for sure. My approach has shifted. It feels like, where I used to think, "oh, I HAVE to work on myself" and now it's more like, "oh, I GET to work on myself!"

Paying attention to me and what I want??? It's starting to get exciting... Fun, even. APPARENTLY I'm worth more than I thought. wink

Spent the morning with my S18. Talking about life, fear, change, relationships, love, you know.... And yes, he taught me a lot. smile

I received several texts from H today. He was very concerned about this recent eye problem, and told me he was having trouble at work. He couldn't see out of the center of one eye, and it's getting worse. So, he made a doctor appt. I responded, "I'm sorry you're having eye problems. Glad you made an appt.". Normally, I would have asked more details.

Then after his appt, he called me. We almost never speak by phone. Probably because he was driving. He talked the whole time he drove from the doc back to his work. He said he has to go downtown for more tests. He sounded concerned, and stressed.

I just listened. I took notice of all I wasn't offering to do. But, this is that "teamwork" thing that goes away when you don't want to be married. And I'm respecting his wishes. More importantly, I'm not putting myself in a position to be used as a mom or a bandaid. He's a big boy.

So, here's what I would have done, but didn't:

I didn't offer to drive him.
I didn't offer to come along to remember what the doc said for later <<<< that was my "role" before
I didn't ask symptoms
I didn't tell him to let the doc know he's on xyz meds <<< also my "role"
I didn't try to solve or fix anything.

I thanked him for letting me know. I said I hope it doesn't turn out to be anything serious.

I think I did pretty good. It wasn't easy, for sure! It wasn't my natural "way", and I had to really think. And the best part, is I didn't have to be unkind in order to do that. It would have felt "mean" to me in the past, to not offer my left kidney and bend over backwards making sure he's ok.

I'm growing!!! And, it turns out? I'm BIGGER on the inside. <<<< geek moment.

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