Shining - jumping in here on the 'we can still be friends' or 'why can't we be friends (like every other divorced couple in the known multiverses)
I have just read an amazing book about narcissism (I do not think we are allowed to cite books any more) While I don't think my xh used to be an overt narcissists, now in MLC, he ticks every box. And so do most of the MLCers described on these boards, in terms of their entitled and unempathetic behaviours
The author's clinical experience has led her to believe that (among other things) narcissists crave acceptance and I think this 'we can still be friends' phrase is part of that need to do this stuff and still be accepted by us. They can reject, but cannot handle rejection. You are right to think of your husband as a small and frightened child - and when in a tight spot they will lash out before anyone can criticise them. So spewing is actually a sign of the guilt they really feel. But they need to be perfect, so it can't be them right? Therefore it must be us . . . .
Incidentally, I have come to realise that we don't actually drop the rope - the rope drops us, if that isn't too zen. We stop needing to hang on, and then we aren't any more.
The other thing I like about the book is that it encourages us to consider how we respond to narcissistic behaviour, and why we have difficulty dealing with it This differs from person to person but reflects our own inner damage and provides the opportunity of fix it.
Narcissists are very fragile people and consequently resistant to change - even if they seek therapy it is often to bolster their own view. Until they see any need to change we are better off not having them in our lives, unless we have to.
Thank you, bea. I did some research on this about 8 years ago because of my xh. I went back and reviewed.... H does tick most of those boxes... Ugh. It's so spot on. H used to be so opposite xh in every way. So selfish now.
Does the narcissism subside as MLC ends? I suppose it's different for everyone, like everything else, no guarantees of anything.
I didn't sleep much last night. Not H problems....
A while back, D13 told me about a boy at her school, she felt was a bit of a "stalker". I'll call him "B".
B has had a crush on D13 for 2 years. Shy, nothing concerning, just needy. Harmless. Until now.
D13 showed me a screenshot on her school-issued iPad, that B wrote a long, death threat letter with the title, "kill plan" at the top. B detailed his plan, his targets (3 boys that are D13 friends) and his path. I mean....detailed. Lots of thought put into this. Date, time, school area, teachers, doors, entrance, exit, weapons, graphic nature of injuries and deaths.....Also the three possible ways it would end. This is an 8th grader.
B wanted to eliminate the 3 boys because, in his mind, if they were out of the way, D13 would like him.
It was one of the scariest things I've ever read.
I called the police after I read it. It was around 10:00 last night. I texted the parents of the boys. D13 told the boys what I was doing, and they were all very good about talking to their parents. We are pressing charges.
I also emailed the school principal last night, and sent the screenshot, and the police info. I've been at the school all morning, but D13 and I are home now.
Detective has taken it from here. From what I've heard, they have not detained B yet. He was not in school.
Until they confirm that the threat has been mitigated, I can't send her.
They can't release details since B is a minor, but they can tell me when it's safe.
Shining, I'm very sorry to come here this morning and read what transpired last evening. I'm glad your daughter showed you the message and you took action. Yes, he sounds very much like a stalker and I hope that action will be taken to help this young man. Hopefully, the parents will take action and remove him from the school and place him in an environment where he's supervised more closely. This is nothing to play around with.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Holy Moly shining! When it rains, it pours! This is exactly the kind of thing I worry about with my D14 and the fact that my W leaves her home alone after school almost every night until 9:00! What happens if a nutty kid like this one starts wanting my d's attention and finds out she is alone like that constantly? The fact it's YOUR D is the scariest part!
I will say this, schools do take this kind of thing VERY seriously nowadays. I doubt he will be back in that school anytime soon. Just be very thankful; that you found his plan and be proud that your D13 was smart enough and trusts you enough to bring it to your attention. You raised a smart kid there.
YIKES! I too am very grateful this was brought to attention before anything awful happened. I can only imagine how terrifying this must be for all involved. And yes, now that the authorities have been notified, it will be treated VERY seriously.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Catching up on your thread and wow! What a week you've had! So scary about your D and the stalker. I am so glad she showed you that note. You never know if it is something that could actually come to fruition or if he is acting out but there's certainly NO ROOM for taking any chances with that sort of thing. I hope the school and the police do the right thing to make sure he is not a threat to your D or anyone else.
Praying for comfort, reassurance and rest for you today. You deserve a break!
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
Thanks, all, I'm doing ok. Tired and emotional.... Probably from lack of sleep. It seems to be hitting D13 just now.....the severity.
The student, "B"s mother brought him to the school late morning to turn him in. Rumor mill went around that he was seen leaving the school in cuffs. Police told me B is now in custody, where he will remain, pending juvenile court review.
I'm glad this didn't go any further. Proud of he kids for showing us. But, I'm really sad for the kid. Hearing more about his family, home life....I get teary thinking how much pain he must in to be this desperate for attention. I'm praying this cry of help is the turning point in his life.
I think this MLC stuff has me turning into a bit of an empath.
That is some scary stuff. Your poor d! That is a lot for a 13-year-old to take in. So glad she showed you. Poor kid. The other boys' must be so upset too! Man that is upsetting for all...
And the boy who did it, you are right. I feel for him too. I get it. There was a young man in my dist last year who did something similar. I had the same thought; I was hoping he was getting the help he needed.
These kids have got to have some real anger inside to think like this.
Well, I am glad everyone is safe. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Enjoy your time with d13. I hope she was able to eat!
I'm so happy to hear D is okay although that is some scary shizzle! Glad all is okay. Nail that interview this week. We are cheering for you!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thank u, GB, Might, D13 was getting more upset later in the day....it was combination of shizz sinking in and then her braces hurt.
We went to a cute little cafe tonight where S18 and friends were playing an acoustic band... It was really fun. We were silly. I shocked S18 friends with my vast musical knowledge (at least I faked them out real good). The cafe owner made D13 mashed potatoes with shredded chicken and cheese just special for her owie mouth....she was in heaven.
I brought home some gourmet tea for S16....yes, I said tea.... Idk. He's so over my head with class and intellect...he was ecstatic.
I'm ready for that interview, GB! I have zero expectations. I'm going to show them my best Shining. If I'm meant to work there, it will happen. That's where I'm at.
I've had a few more job ops that were not even board-worthy. I've been using my jobless time productively, though. Cleared out half of my storage unit by selling things on CL.
I'm feeling purgey. Getting rid of the old. It's a bit symbolic, don't you think??
