Sooo, I didn't take anyone's advice including my own. Couldn't just stfu. Sent an email, in response to confirming parenting-and car-sharing plan for our upcoming holiday weekend...
"Sure. That plan sounds fine.
"H, I'm so sorry for my role in bringing us to this place-- where you've lost hope for our marriage and feel like this is how our lives have to be. And I do wish you peace and happiness in this new year."
Already knocked myself in the head with a 2x4. So be gentle on my bruised noggin.
I maintain it's OK if you don't have any expectations. Some things we have to do for our own peace of mind, even if it doesn't draw our spouse closer. So now, reap the peace and keep moving forward. It will have been worth it if you can feel lighter. He can't reasonably expect that you feel good about where you two are anyway, so all you've done is give him information about how you're processing your circumstances in light of the time of year.
In any case, since you did it, you need to be OK with it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I agree with, Maybell. I think it's ok to occasionally show that we are human and express our thoughts and feelings about the events that have unfolded. Besides, it's a freakin' big elephant in the room…it would be rather unnatural to be able to ignore it all the time! I worry about what it would say about it me if I could do that!
Claire, I said something similar to my H on the weekend and he surprised me by saying "it's not you, it was the relationship." I'm mixing up all the stories on here so can't quite recall the specifics of your sitch, but it's possible your H may not even acknowledge the roles that either of you played in getting to this point.
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Thanks for the shoulders to lean on. No, I don't think it was so terrible. What I had envisioned writing was much more specific -- this is sort of a cop-out apology because I haven't named anything specific.
But then I thought that writing a more specific apology at this point would only serve to remind him of the negatives. Who is attracted to a long list of how someone failed you? Ugh. I couldn't bring myself to do that right now.
This was a spur of the moment thing that came mostly from a place of "I still can't believe this is my life. This is not how we are supposed to be planning for this holiday."
I say this with love... but I think your next goal should be to move from tragic to very, very disappointing. Because whether or not the marriage is recoverable, you definitely are.
I'm starting to worry about you. You've lost that strong PMA you had a couple of months ago when you were passing out 2x4s like a lumberjack. Where did it go?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
This holiday has been a painful reminder of what I have to let go of. Definitely grieving big time right now.
Does going darker mean that I don't have to respond to a non-emergency text about our D? H: when was her last bath? Claire: a couple of days ago. Probably a good time for one! H: honestly, not sure we will have time tonight. I will ask babysitter to do it tomorrow afternoon. Claire: (haven't responded yet. Do I need to? I think not. And please don't judge our intermittent bathing habits!!!!)
