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claire7 #2492752 10/01/14 12:24 AM
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Coming to the end of this thread, and wish I was in a better place. Had a couple of nice days over the holidays, and I guess I need to remind myself of that, because the last couple of days were not so hot.

I started retelling the story, but it feels like it goes on and on.
Long story short, I'm feeling angry and resentful because all our lives are so much more complicated b/c of my WAH's choice to leave our marriage. Some days, like today, it takes literally every bit of strength to not scream at him.

My MIL was babysitting last night (part of the long story). I was exhausted, hungry and frustrated (spent 45 minutes trying to get the car seat cover back on-- part of the long story!), and D3 was still awake at 8:30. As MIL was telling me what she fed D for dinner-- holiday dinner leftovers-- I couldn't help but start tearing up. It was just such a painful reminder of what I've lost. And she's telling me this with a smile on her face as if I'm just an acquaintance. I miss being part of her family. I miss her holiday dinners. I miss seeing my D play with her cousins.

I read here about other LBS having conversations with their spouses -- having a heart to heart at least about where things stand -- and I just feel like a piece of trash that was tossed aside.

As part of my atonement this year, I'm going to send him a handwritten apology letter, taking responsibility and asking for forgiveness for all I've done. Maybe it will seem like it's pursuit or desperation. But I need to do it for me, to cleanse myself and start being able to move forward.

The end of this is near for me, I think. It's just too much-- at least right now.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2492755 10/01/14 12:27 AM
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Originally Posted By: claire7


As part of my atonement this year, I'm going to send him a handwritten apology letter, taking responsibility and asking for forgiveness for all I've done. Maybe it will seem like it's pursuit or desperation. But I need to do it for me, to cleanse myself and start being able to move forward.

The end of this is near for me, I think. It's just too much-- at least right now.


Hey, hey....SLOW down, Claire. You're tired, cranky, feeling emotional and probably overwhelmed.

Sleep on this for 24-hours, 48-hours, 72-hours until this urge to write a letter passes. You can do it!

claire7 #2492757 10/01/14 12:31 AM
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Claire, if it's a short apology letter, and you say that you don't have any expectations from it but that you need to do it in order to move on, then I think *in your instance that it would be helpful.

You're really not doing it for him, right? But just for yourself?

I'm so sorry for all that you have been missing. I wish I could wave a wand and make things right for you. But he's clearly a fool, you are worth making an effort for. May you be loved with all the strength with which you give love.

Whether it turns out to be him or someone else.



*for all the newbies reading this thread and thinking it's a good idea, IT'S NOT FOR YOU. This is for Claire whose situation is different.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2492764 10/01/14 12:47 AM
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Maybell,

I am not sure writing a letter H is a good idea...even a short paragraph. Obviously if writing the letter is a cathartic release for Claire, then she can do it and BURN it. Or never sending it.

For me, I've written several letters to Ms. Wonka and never sent them. Except for one pre-DB that was pleading, begging, and whatnot. Chalk that one up as pure ignorance on my part. Ever since, I've written forgiveness letters to Ms. Wonka and did not ever send them.

It might be helpful to Claire to write them and get her feelings out of the system. Then don't send any of it to H.

Gosh, I strongly encourage Claire NOT to send any letter(s) to H.

Wonka #2492769 10/01/14 12:54 AM
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Wonka,

I get what you are saying, and just venting on here (and distracting myself with TV) has helped me calm down a lot.

The apology letter, in this particular situation, is for religious reasons. This is the time of year to ask for forgiveness from those we have wronged. According to Jewish law, we need to ask those people for forgiveness directly. We cannot ask G-d to forgive us for transgressions against others.

Maybell, I'm not sure I can have no expectations at this point. It does feel like something I need to do for myself, to clear my own conscience. But he has always taken this holiday quite seriously, and if I'm honest, I think I do have some expectation that he will be moved by this gesture.

So, I have to think on it some more. Don't worry, Wonka-- I won't send it in a rushed way. And I appreciate the feedback very much.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2492773 10/01/14 12:58 AM
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Claire,

If you wish to do so for religious reasons, I can respect that.

I want ask you this in an open-minded way:

-Do you believe that by taking this action, it will bring you closer to the goal (restored M..drawing H back) in keeping with the DBing principles?

-In what ways do you feel you've "wronged" H?

Sometimes we do have to weigh the pros and cons before we take any action. Let's talk this out here ok, Claire?

Last edited by Wonka; 10/01/14 12:59 AM.
Wonka #2492779 10/01/14 01:10 AM
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A few months ago I was in a really stuck place in how badly I felt about specific behaviors leading up to our separation. I had already apologized for them several times to my H, but I just couldn't get past it. My previous apologies felt like pleading; I wanted to forgive myself and move on, and I knew writing it and withholding it from him would not help me do that, because I'd already written it in my journal and I just kept returning to it.

So I sent him a text that said, I know I've said this before, but I need to apologize to you this time so I can release it and move on. That was not the person I wanted to be and I do not want to be that person going forward.

I honestly did not expect it to do anything but harm to my cause. But I also knew that I had another cause of my own, that for my own well-being it needed to be said and released, because I could not live with myself thinking that I had held on to that self-righteous behavior and then continued holding on to it for self-serving purposes. I wanted to be bigger than I had been, even if the cost was extra time spent apart. And at the time, my situation felt so dire that I truly could not imagine that I could do it any more harm than I'd already done.

He did respond graciously, and I have no idea if I made things worse from then or not. But I do know that from that moment I was able to move away from my guilt and self-disgust over that behavior and move closer to healing. So for me it was worth it, regardless of the cost.

That is the background of my saying that for you, Claire, it might not be the worst thing in the world. But only if you truly don't have expectations. It sounds like that might not be the case. And if that is so, then I have to ask... haven't you already made that apology?

Here's another thought: What would the best case post-divorce relationship look like to you? What would change if you aimed for the best case post-divorce scenario instead of aiming for reconciliation? Because aiming like that would take a lot of pressure off you.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Wonka #2492781 10/01/14 01:12 AM
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Wonka,

I understand what you are saying. I'm not sure. (I've been holding off on scheduling another coaching phone call, but it might be time for that).

On the one hand, this kind of gesture does go against DB principles. I totally get that. I have been nearly perfect at NOT pursuing for months and months. Is that working? In a way, yes. In all this time, all we've accomplished is a draft co-parenting agreement. All our finances are still joint. We haven't even been to mediation in a couple of months at least. So perhaps he is still conflicted.

I know that part of the reason is that he's under a lot of stressed and overwhelmed with life. It's like, he's too busy in his new "improved" life to divorce me!

On the other hand, my not pursuing or reaching out to him at all has also not gotten me very far. I wonder if a little nudge might be needed to at least get him to have a conversation with me to assess where we are. Where are we?? In a mature, grown up relationship with a child involved, do I get to have that kind of conversation with him?

But I've been in total limbo for a long time. Although he's indicated that he wants to continue


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2492783 10/01/14 01:16 AM
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I don't think an apology is a good nudge. If that's your motivation, scrap everything I said.

But this could be a great time to brainstorm ways to change your pattern. Or you could follow Labug's pattern (and Wonka's too, if memory serves) and see what happens if you detach a little further.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
claire7 #2492793 10/01/14 01:32 AM
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Thank you, Claire, for your input on your current mindset.

Here are some thoughts and more questions for you.

On the one hand, this kind of gesture does go against DB principles. I totally get that. I have been nearly perfect at NOT pursuing for months and months. Is that working? In a way, yes. In all this time, all we've accomplished is a draft co-parenting agreement. All our finances are still joint. We haven't even been to mediation in a couple of months at least. So perhaps he is still conflicted.

Whose yardstick are you really measuring against here? I sense the feeling of "less than" here from you. I am wondering if you're feeling that you guys have 'fallen short' somehow. Again, I return back to my question: measured against what? I think i'ts wonderful that you've come up with a co-parenting plan that works for you two. That is a first step, right?

It shows the two of you that you can learn to co-parent effectively. In turn, H will slowly begin to see you in a new light. That will have a positive effect on his outlook of you. That cannot be bad at all!

I know that part of the reason is that he's under a lot of stressed and overwhelmed with life. It's like, he's too busy in his new "improved" life to divorce me!

Hey...why are you against that?! No action on D is good, right? You've accomplished the first IMPORTANT part of DBing is slowing down the D train. That is an achievement right there, Claire.

On the other hand, my not pursuing or reaching out to him at all has also not gotten me very far.

-Based on what?
-Based on what 'data'?
-How "far" is far?
-How "far"...based on what criteria?

I wonder if a little nudge might be needed to at least get him to have a conversation with me to assess where we are. Where are we?? In a mature, grown up relationship with a child involved, do I get to have that kind of conversation with him?

I sense that your anxiety is causing you to want to temp check with H to get his thoughts on the M. It has absolutely nothing to do with being "mature, grown up relationship"...it is all on YOU and how you're feeling RIGHT NOW.

This feeling shall pass...like a passing cloud.

But I've been in total limbo for a long time. Although he's indicated that he wants to continue.

^^ That right there alone tells me your current state of mind. You really want to get out of this "limbo" status so you think you'll sit down and write a long letter to H under the guise of "atonement."

If you really, really DIG deep here, Claire, you'll most probably find the source of your discomfort: anxiety about H's stand on the M. Right? No?

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