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Matt165 #2491985 09/28/14 12:49 PM
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Mighty Offline OP
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uR, GB, Heather, Shining, Matt:

Thanks guys, you are the best. I don't know what I would do without you all here.

Am I surprised about what I am about to update? Nope.

I got the phone call on Wednesday.

(I debated to post or not, then it's like, what the heck, I didn't do anything wrong. I should not be ashamed, but it is embarrassing.)

Wednesday afternoon, I composed an email and sent it to xh. This, too, I debated, but I thought I had a moral obligation to tell him (the irony, right?!).

My email was short and to the point. There was not a greeting or closing. It was not accusatory nor emotional. It simply stated the facts.

Do you think there was a response? Aaaaaaaaaaaawwwww.... no.

The last email I sent to that address was over the summer about the $ he owed me as per our agreement. Ha ha! He sho' nuff responded to that one! The very next morning, from work (of course) I got a sweet (not) email from xh.

Now this: Silence. Crickets. Hello, hello, hello... anyone there?

However, I did get an email on Friday from xh (from work).

[I want to preface it with this- my mortgage still has xh's name on it. I can't get a loan until the additions are done (ugh). Xh works for the place that the loan is through. So he can monitor payments, etc. I understand he wants to ensure payments are made bc it would affect his credit if I didn't- which he knows would never happen]

[Also, xh told me awhile back that I would get $ when I refinance because there was a couple k in escrow, which I could put towards closing cost- again, keep in mind, he works for this company and has always handled the finances]


xh: Did you receive anything regarding the mortgage payment going up to xxx on 10/1/14?

(BTW, I had made the payment the day before with the increase)

about 5 hours later...

me: yup

xh: Why did it increase? (again... he works there...?????)

me: I guess there was a shortage from taxes last year. Escrow was short.


Done. Silence. Crickets. (Seeing a pattern?)


I wonder if xh cashed out the "extra" escrow $ when he bought his house. I don't really know how it works, but his new loan with hww is through the company they both work for.

I wouldn't be surprised.

Mighty #2492029 09/28/14 06:40 PM
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Mighty, I’m so sorry about the news. I will be sending you positive thoughts.

I’m sure xh received your e-mail. Maybe he is reevaluating his new “rock bottom”. His texts and responses remind me of my H. He does the same things, asks a question, and when I reply and answer, there is silence.

Take care of yourself, Mighty. You are one strong woman, you know.


M:50
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S28 (my S from previous marriage)
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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Of course he "borrowed" the money

What a selfish guy.

Keep up living the good life with your kids and friends


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Bright and Brook, thanks so much! It means a lot to have your support. I am really fine. I am dong well, actually. And yes, Brook, I am living the good life!

Shining, I DID have a good weekend! I read your post on your thread earlier and I have been thinking about it all day.

I feel like I am neglecting my friends here, which is so the opposite of what I intend. You all have been so supportive. I took a very small break, had some things go down, and now, I have a very busy couple weeks. With that said, I have had AJ's work at the forefront of my mind. I am actually excited to do the work. I have put a lot of thought into it. I just haven't had time to put the actual work in.

Guys, I will be posting to you soon. Not that you are looking to hear from me, but I have been thinking of you.

Real quick, I just wanted to journal my weekend:

Yesterday, d13 had a vball tourney. It was early. I was there and enjoyed watching her. My brother showed up with his s 7 d. It turned into an all-day family event.

My bro & his kids & I went to our other bro's house. Hung for a few, had a beer, picked up his 2 s's and went to my s17's football game. My parents showed up there.

I picked up d13 during halftime, and we all met my older bro, my 2 sil's and niece (along with the rest of us) out for dinner. Then we all headed back to my house.

It was great. We had a bonfire, kids and uncles played catch w football, volleyball was going, music playing... it was fun.

D13 has become quite the baker. She had made 2 cakes the night before (about 9:30 after her practice) for my niece and nephew's birthday. Ice cream cake for niece. She's the one who went to 1D concert with us. The cake resembled one of their songs and had her ticket to the concert on it. Then she made a Skittles cake for N17's birthday. It resembled a skittles bag with skittles coming out, but it was really a cake. It was cool.

We had a great time, and has set me in gear, with momentum, towards my future.

Mighty #2492158 09/29/14 03:58 AM
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OK, different perspective, but no longer the main focus!! Yeah!

First, xh told d13 he would be at her vball tourney. I didn't see him there.

At s17 football game, I saw him. I noticed him as I was watching my brother and dad walk down steps of bleachers. He was in the background leaning on the gate. He was late, as usual. I didn't mention to anyone I saw him.

Then, n17 went and got food on the other side and said he saw xh. I looked across and spotted him. He had moved to the opponents side and was sitting in their bleachers in a section all by himself.

Honestly, I think he saw my family. He sat, right across from us. I could see him texting the whole game. It was weird.

I left just before halftime with my niece to go get d13 from her tourney. We were back at the 4th quarter.

I know xh could see us very clearly. It is weird (from my perspective) to see me go get our daughter and he has no idea what is going on with our kids. He is simply an occasional observer. Not at all an active participant. He has no idea the time and effort I put into these kids. It's OK, bc I wouldn't want to do anything else.

So xh left with 2 min left. It was a very close score, and a great game- right to the last minute. But, of course, he couldn't stand the thought of facing anyone.

I really felt bad for him. Here was his family sitting across the way with a sick feeling just seeing him. He could never even face them. It's so sad. He has no one to enjoy his kids with. His family is totally checked out. They don't care. They haven't called or checked on them once, and the never will.

His family, that he made, is gone. He left them (us). And his new family isn't welcome, and they probably don't want any part of my kids.

Wow. What a lost soul. It is really sad. I feel bad, but for once, he has to face consequences. The first time ever. I think he tries to avoid it, but I don't know how much more he can.

You are right, Bright, I think he is reevaluating his "rock bottom". AJ, I think you are right too, he is just at the beginning.

D13 is just starting to express some emotion about the sitch. I took Heather's and AJ's advice. I let her know that she can open up and does not have to be strong all the time.

Yesterday she said how upset she was that December was only 2 months away. That is supposedly when baby is due. Ugh... I feel so bad for my kids. They have it way worse than I do. I wish I could take it all away from them. They are related for life. It is starting to stress d13 out. She said she wants nothing to do with them, but I can see it is weighing on her.

I have come a long way, you guys. I am so stinking tired, and you have heard enough from me. I have one more busy week and I can't wait to really check up on all of my peeps. And do my homework! My thoughts have been there and have resulted in progress! But for me, real movement happens when I really spell it out.

Peace

Hope414 #2492365 09/29/14 11:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: Hope414
Hi Mighty,

I know we aren't discussing the apology thing anymore but I wanted to offer my support and maybe some insight on why his "text apology" probably upset you.

Anyone can issue an "apology." An "apology" doesn’t require sincerity or an understanding of the offense. An "apology" is not action. It is merely a combination of words.

Your ex sent a text message. A combination of words. Nothing more.

An apology becomes meaningful when it is coupled with introspection that shows we understand why we are apologizing. That we understand what we did wrong.

We are sorry we hurt someone by our actions and are willing to take steps to correct the behavior so it doesn’t occur again. We want to learn affirming behaviors so we never do the thing for which we are apologizing for.

But most of all, we want them to know we don't want to hurt them again. We apologize because we want them to understand hurting them is unacceptable to us. It is a boundary we never want to cross. Our intention is never to hurt them.

This is why an apology is meaningful.

Your ex didn't apologize to you. His text message conveyed none of this information.

To the contrary. He didn't apologize. He rudely attributed a negative behavior to you and then issued what appeared to be an "apology." And he did this in a text message. Hello! Test messaging has been your ex's weapon of choice since bd.

It was a passive/aggressive attack on you in the guise of an apology.

I have no doubt your ex thought he was apologizing. But this is a man who doesn't seem to care about anyone's feelings but his own.

How do I know this?

He left his wife and family for another woman and her family. He didn't leave his wife and family because he "needed space." He plotted and planned this. He made sure he had another family in place so he could seamlessly replace the pictures on his mantle.

The minimum (and I do mean the minimum) he owes you is a sincere apology.

But I wouldn't hold my breath. A man like this doesn't give sincere apologies. He sends passive/aggressive text messages designed to make you angry causing a confrontation which will validate his reason for abandoning you and his children.

On another note, do everything possible to be healthy. Don't you dare give this man an opportunity to capitalize on your situation. This man has no moral compass. I would not put it past him to use your situation to benefit himself somehow.


Whoa! How did I miss this post??!!

Hope,

BINGO!

Wow! I don't know where you came from, but I am SOOO glad you came! (I hope that didn't sound rude)

You just put, into words, my exact feelings. I was muddling through my feelings, but couldn't put my finger on it. That is exactly it! You are one smart, insightful cookie!

Thank you so much for that. Truly. And you are so right.

Mighty #2492370 09/29/14 11:51 PM
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Another tough day. A colleague and friend of mine was killed in a car accident on her way into work this morning. It was a tough day.

It is tough to come home be alone and no longer have my husband here. These are the times I can really feel his absence.

He probably wouldn't be able to emotionally support me anyway. It is really sad. Long day.

Mighty #2492379 09/30/14 12:20 AM
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Oh Mighty, I am so very sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug.

I am also sorry that your h chose to act as he did at your child's game. It is really sad what these MLCers give up in trying to feel better.

Take care of you, sweetie.

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I'm sorry Mighty. Be kind to yourself.



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BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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I think I hit my max amount of information that I can feel emotionally.

I am in a weird place. It seems like when I get bad news now, I am numb to it. Is that bad? Here is the weird thing: I feel it physically. My heart gets all goobly and weird and exhausted/stressed feeling, my chest gets tight, and it is hard to breathe well. But I am numb otherwise. I haven't cried in awhile, even with my friend passing. Even with the health issue, I am just pi$$ed that I have to take off time from work.

I don't think that is normal. What is wrong with me?

Side note...

Here is a funny thing (maybe funny is the wrong adjective, but whatever). First, s17's grades aren't the best these days. He came home yesterday and was excited he stayed after and got tons of work done. (His grades can be viewed online, which xh & I both monitor)

Today, I get a text from xh:

S17's grades are looking awesome... Hope you're doing something about since lack of communication...


Ha! What a joke.

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