Your situation is very new. Mine is only a month older than yours but I can tell you that the "I don't even want to be with her anymore" feelings will ebb and flow - its too soon to know what you will really want. The best piece advice I got when my situation started (and before I found this site) came from my oldest sister, and that was "don't do anything rash or permanent right now". Something to think about.
Getting together with W tonight for dinner. She reached out on Sunday night to make plans for tonight.
My plan is to be relaxed, listen to her, validate her, give her words of affirmation (pretty sure that is her LL) and do not challenge her at all on anything.
I hope she brings up something related to our relationship and actually wants to engage (vs. just dropping the D bomb).
Getting together with W tonight for dinner. She reached out on Sunday night to make plans for tonight.
....I hope she brings up something related to our relationship and actually wants to engage (vs. just dropping the D bomb).
I may ask her how she is feeling.
Good luck to you. You have been getting some great advice. You need to focus on GAL and 180's and let go. She is going to do her thing and make up her mind anything you try to do is just going to drive her away.
Don't hope she talks about the relationship. If she does look her in the face and tell her that she needs to figure out what she wants for herself and whether it includes you or not. Let her know that you are making changes to your own life, reading self improvement books and trying to do some of your own soul searching, but are not ready to share any of that with anyone as it is too early in the process for you.
The more you need and emotionally smother her, the more you will drive her away. Focus on your GAL and 180's. Do some things to make yourself a better more interesting man for her or for the next woman that comes into your life. If you can internatize that attitude and follow the DB principles, you stand a good chance of winning her back. Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Had a nice dinner with W. Kept things light, casual and fun. Did not talk about R. Focused on work, friends, current events, etc. lots of validation from me, words of affirmation, listening, looking into her eyes, etc.
She said "this was nice" at the end of dinner, and when i dropped her off at her car. She gave me a kiss, hug, and kiss at the end and a "talk soon".
Tried to stay up beat, pma, chill (180), embrace silence (180), listen (180), etc.
Low point was when i asked about a couple we know was having probs and the H is having an affair with a coworker i said " work affairs never work out " and i realized my subtext may have been obvious. Also told her about an expression i had learned recently: the grass is greener where you water it. She liked that. Still feel dumb for bringing up that convo.
You are getting lots of great advice. Why don't you do something really drop dead interesting as a way of declaring and defining the new you?
May I suggest you enroll in something way out of the ordinary as say the UW experimental college if you really are in or near Seattle. https://depts.washington.edu/asuwxpcl/
How about signing up for the couples massage class (they will set you up with someone), the inexpensive global volunteering travel class, Flirting 101, Salsa dancing, Tango dancing, or Figure drawing. Any of those things would make you a much more interesting person and someone who is not the same old you. Your job is to GET A LIFE by building a new set of skills and experiences. You need to focus on you (and your development); not on what you might be loosing if she chooses to leave you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Quick update on GAL: This weekend I spent time with 5 different friends. Tonight I am going to a concert for a band I've heard of that sounds fun. I played tennis twice this weekend.
Looking for feedback: Spoke to my relatively new IC today. He suggested that I cannot stay in limbo forever, and that one of the problems with my marriage has been the poor communication and if I do not bring up the relationship with her then things will slowly decay. He suggested that the next time I see her for our weekly date I 'invite' her to have a conversation about our relationship if she is ready. Alternatively, I was thinking I could ask her if there were any issues she would like to discuss. Previously I sent her a letter (a bit over a month ago) where I suggested that we take one issue and talk about it each week - and she agreed to it one time when we went for a walk but that hasn't happened yet.
