Sounds like your H wants to take the lead. Good work on pulling back on the reins yesterday. A work in progress is all anybody can be, your H too. It takes discipline to change your ways. It sounds like being in control is part of your character, and at some point your H must have seen that as attractive ? Being assertive is a great asset, but not now when his perception is muddled and it looks like aggressive . Careful to watch out for the differance with him.
Yes... he does want to lead... and thats been quite challenging for me to allow that to happen as for 20+years I chased, manipulated & controlled. I am impatient too.
Yes, he does like my assertiveness (at times) in business and in our sex life. However, I am changing part of the latter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Update: We had a really nice weekend. I had posted a long version of the weekend yesterday, but its now lost. ... here is the short version:
Saturday: DD worked with us. After work he suggested that we have coffee back at his place by the pool. I was planning on attending a late evening wedding but he reminded me of heavy traffic & early timing of our family adventure the next day. I wanted to hang around longer but did not linger, I commented that I was going to have drinks at a friends instead.
Sunday: Early Balloon Flight. Excellent weather. Borrowed friends camera & many photos were taken. He even took a few pics of me with DD (hasn't done that in years). Took a few couple pics & family photos. After flight, went for breakfast. On the journey home, he took a scenic route. He mentioned how nice it was to do this day. My DD was trying to nap, he placed his hand on her lap & I placed my hand on his. I was getting anxious that it was still early and that our wonderful day was ending. I sat quietly the ride home. I really wanted to manipulate/control a way to still be together. Once we got back home, he suggested that it was such a nice day & if I wanted to come over at the pool, I was welcome. (YAY!!). HIs mom & aunt were there, just leaving (his aunt a little puzzled what i was doing there). We laid by the pool. Made out 2x. He approaches me (180). I was wanting to continue the day into the evening, but could tell he was anxious to do other house errands, so I suggested that I leave. He kissed me good bye. Later that evening, he texted to say he's done & cheers.
Monday: Did not make contact, waited for him to contact on his terms. A few business related calls & mentioning that it was a nice day again. Around 2pm he suggested "nice day, pool time?" ... so I went over. He mentions how he has not forgotten our "business deal" that still needs to happen. He also mentions that his friend was questioning him about "us". He told his friend that we are "getting along".
.... must run more later
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Just wondering...did you ever resolve the business issues? Did you end up securing a legal document that grants you a portion of the business?
If not, then it seems like you are right where I last left you...
Waiting....waiting....waiting...for him.
I guess my question is still the same. Are you okay with the way things are going? Are you okay with him taking the lead and you just standing around waiting?
If you are okay with the status quo, then I'm happy for you. If you are not, then when are you going to start asking yourself the really tough question - like....why the heck am I still waiting for this guy?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
The business issues were delayed due to our new business location. It was his comment yesterday to state that he has not forgotten our business deal & we will proceed again soon towards the legal document. I have noticed it on his "list" of things to do.
The waiting, waiting, waiting is par for the course... isn't it? Waiting for him to finish his MLC. I now see that my journey during this time was to learn about my impatience, control & manipulation and a few other ugly behaviours that I didn't know existed. Due to my old behaviours of "chasing", etc... it is MY GOAL, my desire/need to be pursued... to allow HIM to control the pace, the affection, the offerings, etc... as I seemed to have held those jobs in our previous relationship. Both him and I need to know what HE wants, what HE chooses, etc. ... I just really need to pay attention.
Under the advice of my councellor, I have been told to be the loving MM that I am & want to be, to be playful sexually, and be the best MM that I am... HERE IS MY CHANCE that I have been longing for. However, to also keep a close eye, be alert/aware & to write things down (good & bad) and to not 'nag' about what I don't like along the way (for now). I think the writing down part is to remind myself of what the truths are (atm) so that I don't get sucked into believing a fantasy & that he is just soo amazing (NOT). For me to really see him as he is...not who I want him to be. For me to take account of the whole picture at the end of a suitable time frame and re-evaluate... but, not complain about it until the ending. Just continue to do/be my best.... and watch.
So.. am I ok with the status quo? I dunno. I can see myself easily ignoring all his current faults just to be eager to be back together/around him. I have written a few things down that I don't like & a bunch of new stuff that I do like (his baby steps). I am trying to be patient & see this through with a fair amount of time for a good judgement call. However, I am guilty of the "pressure" on my part & want to feel good about doing my best. I have promised myself a full month of NO PRESSURE before I can make fair judgement.
Meanwhile, I want to do my best to pull back to allow him the space to come forward.
UPDATE: Today, I was a little disappointed when he stated that after work he was going to go to Costco and he knows that I need to go too, but didn't invite me. However, I bit my tongue and kept occupied with other work, I was still friendly.
At the end of the day, He invited my DD & I to his Dads for Thanksgiving dinner. This thrills me to pieces but I cannot think too much of it because it may be because he wants us there as a decoy from being around his cousin that he is not fond of at this time. Although, having us at his family function states "something" to his family...doesn't it!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
to add.. my DD says he invited us because we are getting along & he thought that I might like to be there.
I still read too much into things... ugh
Also, his Dad's Thanksgiving event offering is a new thing for this year. His Dad recently broke up with his LTGF and occasionally socializes with his Mom now (they have remained friends over the years). So, this TG event is his Dad offering to create a meal for his Mom's side of the family. I'm sure his Mom is very happy about this. This is the dynamics of his family... confusing huh?
Last edited by makingmagic; 10/01/1412:59 AM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
You came to us here because you were looking for a long-term, monogamous commitment from him, which for 20 years he was some combination of "unable" and "unwilling" to give. Through your dialogue here, I believe you also came to believe that cementing your business deal was also something you needed.
I don't see ANY of that happening, and what's worse I still see him DANGLING all of those things, that he's come to know are important to you, and you still allow him to string you along and you make excuses for him every step of the way.
On the other hand, you also seem happy with the arrangement, so as I've said before WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO FOR IT, and stop pretending it's not enough for you.
Honestly, these circle convos are wearying. Why best yourself up? Life is too short, and however dysfunctional your little dance looks to the rest of us looking in, it does seem to work for the two of you, on both a business and a personal level. So just go for it, and stop with all the analyzing to death.
Starsky... go for what? I am not sure I understand what you are saying...
The dynamics between us needed to change.. this is the time to allow for it to happen. I am waiting to see if it will happen. The old MM would pressure & control it to happen... I am no longer going to control it or beg for it. I am watching to see what HE wants this time. 20 years of chasing was what lead him to be able to dangle it. I am no longer in pursuit. I will see what will be offered. As mentioned, if not offered... Im done.
I didn't say that I was happy with the arrangement. Its still very upsetting at times. I am not pretending ... it is NOT enough for me. However, I need to know that I tried my very best, thus the time limit on what/how my councellor suggests.
Last edited by makingmagic; 10/01/1401:27 AM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
