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I'm not really at a place where i can take a trip without feeling like everything I see and do I'd want to share with H and D.

For some reason I am NOT in a good place today. I was fine this morning. I came home and took a 10 minute nap and woke up sad, crying, with zero hope, a bit angry, frustrated and depressed.

I am working SO hard on changing me. On being someone only a fool would leave and yet he's still gone. I know last time he and I talked about it he said something like 6+ months and that seemed like forever but I could cope with just having an approximate time line. It has been like 2 weeks since that conversation and suddenly I'm impatient.

Everything I'm reading talks about seeing things from your partner's perspective, binocular vision so to speak. I'm sure this separation isn't fun for H. Granted, he does get to place blame on me for everything which is a luxury I don't have. I wonder what it's like to leave a marriage under the guise of having been "the good one" in the marriage.

I am doing all I can right now to see this separation as GOOD. As an opportunity to make these changes with good space and time and I'm grateful that the weather is good and D is doing GREAT in school and in general and our health is good and then WHAMO! I get impatient, sad, frustrated, heavy feeling and helpless/hopeless.

I'm not used to feeling so emotional. I never used to cry and now I cry in yoga classes and at 2:30 pm on a Tuesday.

I am scared. I am scared of so many things I'm afraid of how long my list of things I'm scared of is.

I have applied for 32 jobs. That's right, 32 resumes have gone out and yet I have only heard that I am overqualified from 4 and then from ONE company who discriminated against me because i have a child and because of where I live.

I sucked it up and applied at Banana Republic. Yep. The manager has been asking me for years to work there. Nothing against mall retail but it's not my thing. It offers benefits though and that's what I'm looking for. Here I am at 37 years old having once made close to 6 figures before, heading into an interview on Friday for Banana Republic.

I'm losing hope. Who am I? Reading all these books and making all these changes in my perspective, personality, approach, outlook, way of thinking is helpful sometimes but right now I can only think of it as wishful thinking because I'm not going to get to USE any of it if HE DECIDES I'm not worth it.

I'm tempted to write him a letter. But I won't. It'd be pursuing and I'd likely resort to begging which is just not attractive.

What happened to me?


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Chin up, SS06, you're just having a bad day. We all do at some point. You will have better days. Even though Banana Republic may not be your first choice, it's nice to be wanted, and just think of how fabulous you'll look while GALing in your new wardrobe.

Also, be patient. I was feeling the same way you are a few days ago. It was all I could do not to reach out to my H to spend time together as a family. But I didn't. And you know what? He called the next day and invited me to dinner as a family.

Then, at the dinner? He just talked about himself the whole time anyway, and I was able to feel that I would be fine with or without him (esp. since he's so self-absorbed).

Bottom line: He's not the H you knew. You may get a chance to know this new guy, maybe not. Hang in there!


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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Hi Ss! What Ahoy said!

You have been doing great! As you said you have been really looking into yourself and seeing how you can improve. That takes a lot of courage.

And yes, maybe it is true that your H will not come back and want to work on things. That is a possibility. But it is also possible that he will. And tomorrow or on a better day you will see that hopeful chance and feel positive and happy. Today is just a hard day.

I completely hear you on the Banana Republic job. It may seem a bit demeaning to take a step backward but hey, it's a job! And indeed think of all the cute things you will get to wear for a big discount. I wouldn't mind having that discount! And it also doesn't have to be forever, but at least you will have benefits and money coming in while you continue your search for another job. You never know, perhaps a customer will come in, you'll have a charming chat and she'll offer you a more enticing position at her company. Banana Republic is a great place to buy work clothes after all! smile

I realize it probably does not help to hear this but we can all relate to how you are feeling. The past few days I have been down, despite good things in my life and my GAL activities. Tears suddenly began rolling down my cheeks while walking down the street, although I haven't been crying at all for several weeks. I think this is just part of the healing process, somewhat like dreaming is a way for your brain to process the activities of the previous day. We have to go through these emotional times to process what has happened to us. Tomorrow or the next day we will feel better again. I feel better today for no apparent reason, I felt like the sun shone on me again. But I realize I'll probably feel down again for no reason and I won't be able to see that it too will pass. But it will. So our own rollercoaster continues.

Don't worry Ss, things will pick up again soon. Just keep moving forward with strength and grace.

Hugs, Lisa

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This is the storm before the new calm.

Or I can put it in less appealing terms. You have been eating the healthiest, most amazing feast ever, and your body has been digesting it and using it to fuel you on your marathon and moving you forward, forward, forward.

Now you've stopped for a potty break.

Are you smiling??? smile

When you finish with your pit stop, you're going to start back on your marathon again, getting stronger, getting faster, giving pep talks to fellow runners,

and fueling again.

And then eventually you'll need another pit stop.

And the awesome thing about working at Banana Republic is that you won't be stuck at home to cry at 2:30 on a Tuesday because you'll be meeting customers in your beautiful make up, looking awesome, making things happen.

And just because you're working Banana Republic for the time being doesn't mean you'll be working there forever. This is interim. Just like where you are with your H. (six months isn't as long as it feels)

Today, mall retail, tomorrow, THE WORLD!!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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I really appreciate all of the support and arms holding me up. I really feel like I can't hold myself up on my own, I am leaning on everyone and everything I can right now. I just can't stand up on my own. I had a horrible evening. Tuesdays are so busy with extracurriculars for D and we get home re

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Lean away. We all need it in turn.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Hi, Ss,

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. I had a very low weekend....last couple of weeks, actually. Same as you.

Please hop over to my thread in MLC, and if you have a chance, peek at what uRworthy writes. I think it may help you, too. She gets it. Ss, you and I have A LOT in common.....
We are struggling through the same chit. Hang in there. We can do this.

((((Hugs))))

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my most recent post above was MUUUUCH longer but apparently was cut off by the board for whatever reason. Oh well. I'm sick of hearing my self talk and apparently the board gods are, too. LOL

Shining, I'm off to check it out. Thank you!


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Remember sometimes peeling those layers brings tears along with movement to another level. There's no growth without a little pain.

You say everything in your life is uncertain and that's true for all of us, really.

It's completely OK to have a crappy day, cry all you want. This too shall pass.

Last edited by labug; 10/01/14 04:55 AM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Stay strong SS.. I'm with you on the bad and good days.. I have had a few of both lately, but I'm feeling the good outweighing the bad.. GL with the new job too!!..


Me:35 W:31
S6 + S9
T: 10 years M: 7 years
BD: 7/2014
S: 8/2014
W has new BF: 12/2014
Still fighting the good fight!!..
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