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"I don't think I treat the OMW as an enemy, but it seems my W does (naturally)."

You DO treat her like the enemy. I"m amazed you can't see it. You defend your W like a mindless sidekick and make the OMW seem like the bad one.

"It's so difficult because if I defend the OMW, my W sees it as me showing allegiance to some other woman."

Who cares?

"My W wants me to put her first. She wants me to show her that I am loyal to her, even during these times. I'm so conflicted when it comes to this."

So you are going to do whatever your W wants you to?

"I wanted to see that she was making calls /texts to verify that she was safe (where she is)."

Total BS. You just wanted to see if she was with the OM. You've said it yourself in the past. Just be honest.

"I said to her, "Do you see how twisted that sounds? OMW needs YOUR permission for her H to come home to her."

She replied, "Well obviously I need to do that, don't I."

It's as if she has this attitude of "I can please your H like you (OMW) never could." "

That was all mindreading on your part. You don't know why she did it. You really haven't learned much about human nature.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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JCred,

It's ironic how you keep posting advice to people here, yet you've never posted your story. And you've never talked about your own M. In fact, you called me out, saying I was faking my M being saved. Many have read my story. Where's yours?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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mindsin Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: MrBond

You DO treat her like the enemy. I"m amazed you can't see it. You defend your W like a mindless sidekick and make the OMW seem like the bad one.


Maybe you can point out specific things I've wrote that would give you this impression, because I don't see it.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

"It's so difficult because if I defend the OMW, my W sees it as me showing allegiance to some other woman."

Who cares?


My W does. Loyalty is a big thing. If I can show her that I am at least making an attempt to be loyal to her in this situation, I think it will only be to my benefit.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

So you are going to do whatever your W wants you to?


No. I have my limits and my boundaries. She knows what they are. She's free to do whatever she wants. So am I.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

Total BS. You just wanted to see if she was with the OM. You've said it yourself in the past. Just be honest.


Ok, now you're mind reading.

My initial "peek" was to see if she was ok, and to maybe get a clue as to where she was. It had nothing to do with the OM. There have been no phone calls to/from the OM since last Wednesday, but there have been text messages. On the surface, you could say there were no phone calls because they're together, and that would make sense. However, I am giving my W the benefit of the doubt here when she told me that she is taking this trip by herself to get away from everything and everyone -- including the OM.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

That was all mindreading on your part. You don't know why she did it. You really haven't learned much about human nature.


No, it was me reading her face and the tone of her speech. I know plenty about human nature, but thanks for your concern.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
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"My W does. Loyalty is a big thing. If I can show her that I am at least making an attempt to be loyal to her in this situation, I think it will only be to my benefit."

Again, WHO CARES? More specifically, who cares what your W thinks. She wants you to support her and show loyalty for her A. That's not validation and makes you seem like a cuckold.

"Maybe you can point out specific things I've wrote that would give you this impression, because I don't see it."

I'm not going to go through all of the posts. But I and others have pointed it out to you before. You can look for them so we're not repeating ourselves.

"No. I have my limits and my boundaries. She knows what they are. "
You may think she knows what they are, but she seems to always break them. Like you tell her how you won't support her A, etc. but you watch the kids for her so she can carry it on. Sounds like support to me.

"Ok, now you're mind reading. My initial "peek" was to see if she was ok,"

MMM no I'm not. If your "peek" was just to see if she was ok, you wouldn't even have posted it. The fact that you did shows that you know something's wrong about it. PLUS you mentioned so many times about how the A was eating you up, etc., that this is a natural reaction for anyone.

Quite honestly, it seems like you're in alot of denial. I believe much of it is from your guilt of what you did in the past and it's put blinders on you.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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mindsin Offline OP
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Mrbond - I'm a little confused as to your stance in my situation. I think back to the very first time I posted here 3 months ago and you jumped all over me for only thinking about myself, and not the pain my W went through to get to this point.

You made that point, and I eventually was able to begin seeing things through my W's PoV. I overlooked her A, and addressed myself and my numerous A's over the years.

Now it seems that you've flipped positions, and you're saying that I'm being supportive of her A, which I am not.

When I've shown little guilt (in the beginning), you criticized me. Now that I'm showing too much guilt, you're criticizing me again.

Perhaps you can help clarify your PoV on this.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
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You read the books right? My position hasn't flip flopped. You're just not getting it.

This goes along the lines of validation. You owned up to what you did was wrong which was fine. You're supposed to give support to your W. Fine. BUT that support doesn't go to encourage bad behavior. You are to UNDERSTAND what got her to the point she's at now, and you validate her feelings, however you're not supposed to take that support it and apply it to an A which is wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right.

That guilt that you're showing isn't being utilized correctly. You need to show remorse and validation of how she feels but now to the extent of actually encouraging her A, which you are doing by condemning the OMW and giving her a pass to go out with the OM when she feels like it.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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mindsin Offline OP
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I understand that, but I've also learned that I cannot control my W's behavior. I've made it clear to her that I do not support the A, in case she thought otherwise (which I'm pretty sure she doesn't anyway).

I do not encourage her bad behavior, but at the same time, from her PoV, we are "separated" and she's free to do whatever she wants.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Oct 2013
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Mindsin,

I am in the midst of confusion myself at the moment, A very good vet is helping me try to understand DBing better. I was/am getting a lot of it wrong. I need to stop what I am doing and revamp.

What I think MrBond is trying to say, correct if I am wrong MrBond please, While we as LBH can't control what our WAW do and of course, they think they are free to do whatever they want.

They are to a certain point allowed to do anything, the problem comes in when it starts take away our dignity as men and the disrespect is allowed to fester. If we don't stand up for ourselves we will never be respected by our WAW and without respect there is no love and without love there is no chance of R.

If I am off base, sorry but that is my understanding.


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
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Do you have a parenting schedule? She is not 'free' to do whatever she wants-- she has children that she is responsible for, at least for part of the time.

Set up a parenting schedule if you don't have one.

It's also a bit strange to me how much you seem to talk with her about the A, the OM, the OMW. I'm not sure why that is something you discuss with her at all. (For ex, why is the OMW part of your signature line?? I don't see how that is relevant.)

You're in a tough spot, that's for sure, as she seems to flaunt her A in front of you. But you do have a choice in your own behavior and how you respond and act towards your W.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Both nit and claire have it correct.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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