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#2492606 09/30/14 06:02 PM
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2BHappy Offline OP
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484597#Post2484597

Job,
I have to find it in me to really treat H like a roommate, in my heart and head. I'm saying it but not "feeling" it. I will work on this.

Test has come up now..

H called on his way to to work to tell me that he might go to his friends out of town funeral this weekend if he can get off work.

I understood this.

Then he said he might also go to a college football game instead IF he can get tickets instead of the funeral. But in same town so he would at least be able to see old friends and those friends who did attend the funeral.

So he is willing to take off work for things he wants to do (like the college football game). Did not invite me or s14.

I just told him that sounds nice and he will have a good time at the football game. I did remind him its s14 game against rivals this weekend and s14 might play up with the JV instead of freshman team. H said yeah he knows but if he can get the weekend off from work he is going to funeral and or college football game.

So I can talk to my roommate, but my heart still feels like I'm talking to my H.

I will work HARD on detaching the heart, but leaving the door open (for a while) in case H decides to really come back!


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2492650 09/30/14 07:30 PM
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job Offline
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You did very well w/the recent conversation. I know it's hard to look and treat them as roommates because your heart is still trying to tell you that it's your h and hoping against hope, that he will suddenly revert back to the many you love. It takes time to detach and learn not to react to everything they say or do, but you'll get there. Don't be too hard on yourself if you snap up the bait every once in a while. We all have done it.

As you can see, his priorities are rather messed up. He'd rather go to a game and visit w/old friends, then actually go to the funeral. He can't face mortality and yes, his friend's death will remind him that life's clock is ticking.

Leave the door ajar, but continue moving forward.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
2BHappy #2492683 09/30/14 08:50 PM
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First (and apologies if this is redundant/has been posted before, but the livestrong foundation has great cliff notes on detachment: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

They really helped me. I would read them until they were seared into your memory.

Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
I did remind him its s14 game against rivals this weekend and s14 might play up with the JV instead of freshman team. H said yeah he knows but if he can get the weekend off from work he is going to funeral and or college football game.
That is the only part I would have not addressed, it may have come across as nagging, or telling him what to do. He needs to suceed or fail with S14 on his own.
Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
I will work HARD on detaching the heart, but leaving the door open (for a while) in case H decides to really come back!


Just leave the door alone, you should not feel (or act) as if it open or shut. Dive deep into detachment, and you will find this becomes easier.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2492684 09/30/14 08:53 PM
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Thanks Job & Wounded.

I will read the cliff notes on detachment. Going to read them right now.

I'm also thinking I may need to avoid sex with him for a while...I think it may be making it harder for me to detach. I hate to stop, this seems to be sometimes all that is left.

And I think (mind reading) that he may use this as a test to see if I'm still available.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2492799 10/01/14 01:42 AM
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
I'm also thinking I may need to avoid sex with him for a while...I think it may be making it harder for me to detach. I hate to stop, this seems to be sometimes all that is left


Boy that's a tough one, I really hope some vets chime in, but don't do it if you feel withholding is done as far as punishment, or changing other behaviors.

Do not do this until you get other experienced input.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2492925 10/01/14 11:01 AM
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2BHappy Offline OP
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I don't want to stop, it's not just for him:)

I'm just thinking this may be making it harder for me to detach?
But I do feel like since that has become more regular again, it has helped ...a little in a way. When we 1st started back having sex on a regular, I was able to have it without expectations...then the "dance" started and I relaxed....and BAM! EMOTIONS took over.

The link about detachment, WOW it's really deep.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2492968 10/01/14 01:38 PM
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
The link about detachment, WOW it's really deep.


Yea, it is one of those things where you need to shut your brain off (the things you naturally want to do), and follow through with the steps.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2493065 10/01/14 05:58 PM
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2BHappy Offline OP
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OMGoodness, my room mate (H) is NOT going to make this easy

Roommate called me 8x's from his cell and the house phone, I started to worry that it was a emergency so I called him back

ME: Is everything ok I see I missed your calls
Him: Yes, I did not want anything,,just calling to talk about the upcoming election and mail voting.

He then mentioned the activites this upcoming weekend in his hometown, funeral for friend, b-day party for another friend, and football game at his old college.

I told him sounds like a full weekend and the funeral should be well attended, the friend was well known and seemed to be a really nice guy.

He then calls back to ask me to call in his meds for refill when I get home, I said ok I would.

I swear its like he has a radar attached to my heart.

AND VETS (and others with opinions) please help, what do you think about SEX with the MLC or WAS? Is this good, bad or ugly?

Last edited by 2BHappy; 10/01/14 05:59 PM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2493098 10/01/14 06:46 PM
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
I swear its like he has a radar attached to my heart.


Thats on YOU!

It was apropos you started off the post with "your roommate".

If you really had a roommate and they asked you to do any of those things, or share details... How would it effect your heart? Not very much.

Keep working on the detachment!


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
2BHappy #2493143 10/01/14 08:23 PM
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2B, obvi I'm not a vet....but this is what I was told. smile.

The decision to continue ML is up to you. There are different schools of thought, neither way is "proven" to work over the other, it's dependent on your individual sitch.

One opinion is to continue ML, as a way to keep some type of "connection". This goes with the theory that men tend to connect physically first, and then emotionally. The drawback is that if you are not detached, it will send YOUR emotions all over because it is just sex to the MLCer. Also, if there is any question of ow, it is obviously not safe.

The other opinion is to set the boundary of no ML while there is an ow, or D filed, or whatever you decide that boundary is for you. The theory here is partly that the WAH will not care to return until he misses you, or has something to lose. Also, it keeps your sense of self respect, and doesn't allow the cake eating.

Again, this is for YOUR benefit, to keep yourself detached. Only you can decide.

If you do continue to be physical, please protect yourself. And remember, you can always change your mind if it becomes to difficult to be detached.

I hope that helped.... I did my best. smile.

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