Thanks, 1foot. She's getting increasingly cold and snippy here these past few weeks. It's starting to turn my hurt into anger every time we have any kind of interaction. I just don't understand how she can treat me so callously when we've shared so much greatness together. I would never treat her this way.
M 39 W 39 T 16, M 15 S 12, 9 Sep 07/26/14 11/02/14 W decides to file, has not yet
I've had the same thoughts. Especially since, while my M had problems before the BD, there had been no real lessening in affection between the two of us. One day, lots of kisses and ILUs, next day: zero. The only thing you can do is see it as their defense mechanism against the hurt and fear they are feeling (though dont dwell on that too long) and focus on yourself.
Focus on the Sandi rules for your everyday interactions. Internalizing those really turned around my everyday interactions with W, and she noticed right away. Dealing with the conversations that we NEED to have is my challenge now.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
It's awkward and frustrating. For so many years to go from saying "I love you" at the end of every night or parting for the day or at the end of every text to this, nothing, like she's a colleague or casual acquaintance or something. I actually printed out Sandi's rules the other day. I have them in my pocket. Just need to read them more and more until they sink in, I guess. Thanks, man, for the support.
M 39 W 39 T 16, M 15 S 12, 9 Sep 07/26/14 11/02/14 W decides to file, has not yet
I get the cold dead eyes. I also get the snippy and cold treatment. My W , who still lives at home, is constantly hostile towards me. It's like I make her skin crawl. When we are around each other her shoulders hunch up and her face tenses up. It doesnt matter what we are doing or where we are. Sitting together at a football game and she is laughing and jovial with a fellow parent and she turns to me and the hostility just spews out with every word she says. part of it is our perception, part of it is just the WAW.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
This is a tough sitch but also similar to many others. I agree with the others that you need to follow sand's rules. Detaching and GALing is very hard. We all know what you mean. You feel horrible, your chest hurts and her attitude and behavior confuses you. Keep in mind that she is in a different world right now. She really is a different person. The best advice is to slow down the process as much as you can, be patient and just find "yourself". Chasing after her, pleading with her and trying to use logic will not work. Logic does not TRUMP emotion.
You need to back up and give her space. Hard as it is, you need to stop wondering about her and what she is doing. We all have spouses who are cheating on us, lying to us or just walking away. It s*cks. But the more you focus on her, the harder this will be.
I also would look inwardly at the things that you did "wrong" in the M and start to fix those. Start to make those changes for yourself and she might notice.
Good luck with this process.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Thank you, Shodan. It is difficult. More difficult than basic training. I appreciate all the support and advice. It's really reassuring to know I'm not alone in my experience. GALing is one of my issues she addressed on a regular basis. It's something I need to force myself to focus on at this time. I see no other way to maintain my sanity. Thank you again.
M 39 W 39 T 16, M 15 S 12, 9 Sep 07/26/14 11/02/14 W decides to file, has not yet
As much as you want to talk to her, hold her, etc., it will not work. She is on her own journey, one that may end without you. I know that is hard to read/hear. But once you realize that you cannot control her, the better off you will be. We all have good and bad days (frankly, good and bad minutes). The more that you can detach from her and just move forward, the better you will be.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Welp, had the repairman come out Monday and take a look at the water heater. $1,500 for new one, plus labor. Needless to say, this made my day, since we're living paycheck to paycheck anyway. One of the only silver linings: at least she won't have money (for now, at least) for filing a D. And this might buy me time. She had already rose a stink about how much we're spending. Gas: We use to ride together to work and back. Now we drive our own vehicles. So that's one added expense. Her new vehicle payments. Mortgage. Utilities. My measly rent I give to my buddy. Food for home and my other place. Stuffs adding up...fast. I know this is getting to her since she was/is the one that took care of the finances. We have an agreement that whoever is not at home will call @ 8 each evening to talk to the boys. Last evening she called, she seemed to be in a better mood, and she talked longer than usual. Something we always use to do in the evenings. She even said "I love you." it sounded sincere. But she still refuses/hasn't said the other phrase we always said after "I love you." (a phrase from both our favorites book). I quit saying it about a week ago, because it hurt when she'd blandly spit back at me like it was ashes in her mouth. Doing better today, after reading a lot of your posts I felt myself getting motivated.
M 39 W 39 T 16, M 15 S 12, 9 Sep 07/26/14 11/02/14 W decides to file, has not yet
SOrry to see ya here, but seriously ... you found this place at a good spot in your sitch ... and IF you listen, read, (The books and this forum) you will find yourself in a better place. I had a spot in May of 2013 that I think if I started DB, I would not have gone through this 10months and counting separation.
Things I came away with your sitch is ... she still says ILY, even if its flat, half heartedly ... thats better than what a few of us have had said to us. .... hold onto that
Second ... stop focusing on her and what she is doing, You realize you need to GAL, so do that ... however as the word has started to spread DB is a triple-thread ... you also need to add in PMA and 180's .... the 180's are the curve ball, they will stop and make your W think about what you are doing .. you do all these things for YOU ... not her .. and don't point em out, she will notice. Read the books ... stay positive, understand you have this gift of time to work on YOU ... do that, don't worry about what she is doing, you can not control that anyways.
I see alot of myself in your sitch, as I am sure many will ... we are all at different stages, you can learn alot just by taking bits and pieces from us all.
