To DB or not to DB, is it really a question?

[Shakspr]

Maybe I missed something.

On Jim's thread, you wrote just yesterday ... "I hadn't found DB/DR, yet."

Yet today, you wrote, "I read DR. Hadn't read the infidelity section because I didn't think that was the issue."

So which is it? Have you read the books or not?

I said "I hadn't found DB/DR, yet." prior to BD (8/6), was only working the Chapman Apology stuff. I bought DR the day after BD (8/7 or 8/8).

[MrBond]

Got it. Okay, the most important thing to do is to read the WHOLE book. Too often people get the books and only read the parts that they THINK just applies to them. You need to read it all to get a whole picture of how your WAS thinks.

Now, as for your sitch, it is VERY important to not take a slash and burn attitude with your W right now. I know it's difficult, especially when there's an OM in the picture, but if you start doing that it will only create resentment and anger in you which you will show towards your W (no matter how much you try to mask it) and won't do your ultimate goal of saving your M and your family, any good.

I've been in your shoes, so I know how it is. But now is the time when you need to be the strongest and not spiteful.

[Shakspr]

Thanks, Bond, et al. I am dialing it down. I had it turned up to 11.

Thankfully, I didn't slam any doors shut during this morning's discussion. Literally or figuratively.

[MrBond]

" I'm not trying to hurt my W. I simply don't trust her to make good decisions for them right now."

The biggest thing you are going to have to understand that this is between you and your W. She's not doing anything to hurt your kids. The decisions she makes for them are the right ones to her. Just because you don't agree to them, it doesn't mean that your decisions are better than hers.

She's a woman who is looking for happiness without you right now. Just like how you want to find happiness WITh her. It doesn't make her love the kids any less. She is entitled to her feelings and how she expresses them to the kids just like you do.

[Shakspr]

Am trying again to sleep now. Back to Plan A. Just let her go. Cry now. DB later.

[Maybell]

Hey, Shakes, hope you're OK. It's been a wringer of a day for you and I hope you found a few moments of peace. I just wanted to remind you one more time that you're not alone, that there are people thinking of you.

We're all rooting for you. You've got this. YOU WILL BE OK.

[Shakspr]

Thank you all, again. I won't be telling anyone out here in real life about the EA (except MC, perhaps.). Feeling alone, abandoned, and replaced [censored]. No longer whole. Many of you know all too well.

I slept about 2 hrs. Should be able to get back to sleep later - after reading more DR, per Mr. Bond's recommendation.

Glad I started GAL'g. Need to keep it up now for me and mine.

Humiliation, even if only I know it, is incredibly hard to bear.

[labug]

" I'm not trying to hurt my W. I simply don't trust her to make good decisions for them right now."

The biggest thing you are going to have to understand that this is between you and your W. She's not doing anything to hurt your kids. The decisions she makes for them are the right ones to her. Just because you don't agree to them, it doesn't mean that your decisions are better than hers.

She's a woman who is looking for happiness without you right now. Just like how you want to find happiness WITh her. It doesn't make her love the kids any less. She is entitled to her feelings and how she expresses them to the kids just like you do.

Just want to repost this because it's so good.

Neither of you is lilly white in this. You have your own trangressions.

[Shakspr]

So, I've got a WAW, who is having an EA and rather than separate, she insists on a D (to give her actions sanction, presumably.) I've contributed mightily to her feelings for me being dead right now. I think I need some combination of "After the LRT" and basic decency.

D happens in three weeks. After that...the great unknown. And maybe ice cream.

I want it all to end. I am tired of hopelessness. I am angry, yet know that this crap is going on all over the world, everyday, to other men and women just like me. You guys are awesome and have helped tremendously.

[MrBond]

I thought you said that she was having a PA also? What confirmation did you find?

And to be honest, you haven't experienced anything different than what everyone here has. It took 3 years before my W even started to talk to me. Same as the majority of the people who have saved their M here.