Shakespr, wait and think things through. I think you must confront her, but not until you know you can be calm. Have a plan. You do not have to confront her today. This is a dangerous place right now.
Suspicion is hard enough, but confirmation is so tough. I know the pain and anger and despair. I said things I wish I hadn't.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
I'm sorry to hear about the latest developments. Stay solution focused, emotions of the moment mess up our ultimate goal. *hug*
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Well, that's over. Nothing has really changed except I am reexamining my options. She gave me the "I'm never coming back to you, I don't want to try, I don't want you, I have no feelings for you."
All signs, post-confrontation, seem to point to an EA that is on hold because both felt guilty...but she didn't offer me her new phone and confirmed that she is still texting the guy. Said it all happened (is happening!) because she is emotionally vulnerable. She is ashamed of what she did, and repeated frequently, that it was very wrong.
The man that I am, and the man who believes in his family, won't give up his children to a woman capable of these things. Who won't try. Who finally acknowledged her part in all this due to the confrontation.
All I can tell you is this: I told her that the EA means nothing to me, that of course she has no interest in me or reconciliation when someone else is clouding her thoughts. I basically said, if you must go, go. I let you go. But I am not going to allow you to take my children from their home into a situation that we both know is not God's will. (I realize that makes some of you cringe. Not sorry, guys.)
I hope to negotiate a separation with her that is similar to what it was going to be, only with me as the primary custodian. Give her what she wants. But no more doormat.
No change after sep? With me DB'g all the way? I sign D without a whimper.
Last edited by Shakspr; 09/30/1406:08 PM.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I read DR. Hadn't read the infidelity section because I didn't think that was the issue. Will tackle that tonight.
MrBond. I will listen, and you will teach. I get that. I intend to let her go, however she wants to go. But the terms and conditions of our children are not yet set.
Would you give primary custody to a woman who is just "too tired." She wants out. Then she should go.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Shakespr - I'm going to add my voices to all of those telling you to slow down for a moment. Yes, you're pissed right now (understandably),and I would venture to guess that this has probably been one of the worst days of your life, right? My .02 is that this is a time for reflection, not action. Read the section on infidelity (and while you're at it read some articles about "affair fog" and how that literally might be affecting your wife's brain). Pause. Let this sink in. By all means, discuss child custody options with your lawyer. And, this is just my opinion, but I would avoid any more discussions with her right now (other than anything related to immediate childcare needs). I've made plenty of mistakes in my situation, but one of the few things I'm glad about is that I waited almost a week before I had any discussion with H at all. If I had to do it all over, I would have waited even longer, because it was still impossible for me to control all my anger at that point, and that ended up doing some damage.
Finally, I'm not excusing what your wife did. I'm not excusing my husband for his affairs. But I do believe that most people who have affairs and leave their spouses are in crisis and that they are hurting. I'm trying to let my compassion be more of a guide and not my anger.
Stay strong and be a happy dad for your kids. So many of us are thinking of you and your family and praying for you.
Thank you, raliced. I am slowing down, and will initiate no more convo with W for at least 48 hours about anything other than who is making dinner.
It's not the worst day of my life. That was 8/6. In reality, at least this makes what she had been telling me make more sense. I can cope. I will forgive.
That's the thing, up to now I have been letting her drive the D train, one lawyer, uncontested divorce. So I must make some decisions before we tell the kids. Same basic script. But they may not be living elsewhere 9 days a week. I'm not trying to hurt my W. I simply don't trust her to make good decisions for them right now.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
