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Last edited by bdub; 09/29/14 05:21 PM.

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So new threads bring change.
You are getting close to being on this boards for 2 months.

What are your changes so far and what do you plan to work on as we go forward.

If you are going to move forward with the divorce then PROTECT yourself.

Most LBS's end up with huge financial problems.

OK?


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bdub Offline OP
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Cadet,

So far I have worked on getting better at communicating. Through my IC and through DB,DR, 5ll, 10 lessons to change your marriage, and rebuilding, I have learned how to have a conversation without attacking, criticizing and displaying contempt. I am working on 180s on being controlling, helping out around the house and interacting with my boys. All of these are certainly a work in progress, especially the controlling part. I really struggle with giving up control.

I have made an effort to have multiple positive interactions with my boys every day. I have started lifting them up, instead of shutting them down and being their "ruler".

I have been working on detaching. Until last week I think I had done very well. Last week I slid back really bad and started letting her emotions and actions effect mine. I started "waiting on her" to determine what mood I was in and how I was going to act. I am working on getting back to being detached. It is very hard with her still in the house.

I am working on showing my W more respect. I am working on understanding that she is an adult and she is perfectly capable. I am struggling with this daily because she is being selfish and illogical right now, and I have a terrible time dealing with that. I know that she is going to not act, or do things the way I want or even the way she used to do. I need to accept that. Last night was a good example. She was going to be late getting s10 to football. I had to take s13 to soccer. Instead of hurrying them along and pushing to get them out the door, I left and let her be the adult and take care of the situation.

She is 100% certain she is moving on with the D. We negotiated on the time frame. She wanted to have it done by now, I wanted to wait until 6 months after she moved out. We settled on doing it after jan. 1. I want time away from each other to make sure i am 100% sure, she just wants it over. Right now she is talking to OM on the phone for 2 hours a day and sending 100 texts a day. I think she saw him the last 2 weekends but I am not sure. She is so deep in her fog right now.
Regarding finances: We ar doing a dissolution. She has agreed to walk away with a certain amount of money and she will deed over the house and the 5 rental properties that we own. We put the farm and the farm equipment in a trust with the boys name on it. Setting up that trust saved me a LOT of money. We both want to see me continue to farm, and to pass the farm on to the boys. More later I am out of time.

Thanks for your input cadet.


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Financially my sitch is very complicated. I work 8-5 in a financial institution and I farm and I have multiple rental properties. I will break it down into those 3 catagories.

My salary will be enough to cover all of my living expenses and give me very little left over. Since I dont have the chance to get any overtime and I get paid once a month, I have my work cut out for me here.

Farming has been really profitable the past 3 years. It finally took a down swing this year. My goal is to make a small profit, with break even as a worst case scenerio. With farming the income all comes in in October and November. The expenses all go out in March. So far yields have been good but the price I am getting is half what it was last year.

The rental properties net me a return of around 8% on my money. However, because I carry a significant amount of debt on the properties I have several mortgage payments due at the first of the month. This creates a cash flow crunch for the first 10 days of the month. In days past our combined salaries were enough to cover the mortgage payments. Now I will not be able to pay the mortgages until the rent checks come in.
The rentals will all be paid off a few days before I turn 55. We would have both been able to retire in 14 years at the ages of 55 and 53.
I vividly remember my college days when I ate Mac and cheese and ramen noodles daily so I could get through college. I decided early on that we, as a family, would not have to go through that.

I believe that I will once again be sound financially. The biggest issue I see is cash flow management. Fortunately a major expense is real estate taxes and hazard insurance on the properties. Those are not due until Feb and March so I can "rob Peter to pay Paul" until then. Technically I have 5 of 15 units empty right now. 2 of those 5 have been spoken for, the other 3 have not. Obviously it is now crucial to get back to full capacity.


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Originally Posted By: bdub
Financially my sitch is very complicated.

So how would a separation or divorce effect all of this.

Assume you are splitting things 50/50.


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It sounds like you had 3 fulltime jobs and your W's makes a 4th and then 2 kids which are another FT job. Wow!


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Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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labug the rentals are not that time consuming. My 9-5 job is SLOW so I do a lot of the mgmt work in the office (ssshhhh!) Farming takes up a lot of time in April and May, and again in September and October. It is a lot, but the payback is tremendous, especially the farming. It is a way of life we enjoy. I was raised a farm boy, and my kids are being raised that way too. I cant tell her this now, but riding with me on the tractor was a huge turn on for my W at one time. She even enjoyed the livestock. Last spring her(a city girl)and I went to the barn and massaged a calf's legs and stretch its tendons for 3 weeks straight. 3 times a day. That 23rd day we went to the barn the calf met us at the door. It was the first time since birth it had stood. She cried, i tried not to cry. Typing this makes my eyes watery. We fed that calf all the way out to market.


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Cadet,

to sum it up, shes going to deed everything over to me. In return I am going to pay her a lump sum of half the equity in the properties. After taking out realtors fees, capital gains, and conveyance fees It is NOT a large amount of money. She will be debt free and have a decent downpayment for a home if she choses to buy. I will have all the debt and all the assets. Other than the 2 I have to sell to get the cash.

In order to get the cash settlment we have to sell 2 of the 5 properties. They have been listed since August 1. If they do not sell by 6 months from the day the dissolution is final I will begin paying her on a 10 year installment plan.

We have already set up a trust, controlled by the both of us. We placed the farm ground and all the equipment in the trust. It will belong to the boys when the youngest turns 23.
we have dual control over the asets. Meaning that it cannot be sold or traded without both signatures.

We have agreed on CS even. She makes a little more than I do. We each have the boys the same amount of time. She is providing ins. (50 for my half), paying for lunches (50 my half). I am going to kick in an extra 100 per month for my half of clothes and shoes since she has always done almost all the clothes shopping.

I am paying for sports stuff and she is paying for school and school supplies.
We each get 1 child for tax purposes. I took the oldest so that deduction will end 3 years sooner for me. I took one of her student loans (biggest payment, smallest balance) and she took one.
She gave me the camper. Its 2 years old and has some equity. I figured we would have to sell it because I could not afford to refinance it to get her equity out. She told me to keep it because we love to camp. since she was good about that I agreed to give her half of todays equity if I ever sold it.
She gets her personal checking account, I keep the gold bars we bought 5 years ago. She gets her car, I get my truck. equal value, both paid for. I get my 401k she gets her strs. We have a mutual fund account in the boys names for college. That stays in place and we are now (as of today) both contributing to it from our own accts.
She keeps her rings, and earrings, I get the coin collection I inherited from my grandmother.
Last but not least, and I am NOT kidding, I get the white towels and she is taking the green ones.

Honestly, its pretty sad that 2 people can figure out a complicated mess like this and have NO issues, but cant figure out how to keep a 15 yr marriage together.


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My favorite hour of the day. S13 is on the bus ride home and we will text back and forth for an hour. I take him to school and we talk, but for some reason he really opens up when texting on the way home.


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Well it sounds like you have the finances in place if she actually agrees to all of that.

Understand that this is all just business.

I know it is hard but if you can separate the business from the rest it will be that much better.


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