I'm new to this and would love some help & advice throughout what I can only describe as the lowest point of my life. I also hope others can learn from the mistakes I have made.
My wife and I were together for 7.5 years (living together for 7) and married for 1 year 6 months. We had what we both thought was an incredibly strong and fireproof relationship and were so happy in each others company.
I'm am 33 and my wife is 32, we were planning (for the past few years) on children, had picked names and always said we would wait until we were 35. This year I went through a tough time personally due to lifes usual pressures and a bad accident which left me with two months off work (I'm fine now). I really withdrew into myself for around 3 months and stopped communicating with my wife and showing her affection/attention and didn't have much interaction with my friends either. At the time I didn't realize what was happening and my wife and I never spoke about this as we genuinely didn't realize there was a problem as each day rolled into the next and we just got on with things. I became very dependent on her and her time but when I was with her i wasn't the same partner she loved so dearly.
Then out of the blue she dropped the bombshell-I need to take some time away,-i'm going to go to my parents, things haven't been the same with us and I am confused. I feel like I have lost myself and need to talk to someone (she never did)-I asked her if she was breaking up with me and she said 'absolutely not'-I just need to take some time to work out what's going on. I did the usual begging, asking for reassurances etc etc etc but the more I did that the more she withdrew and closed off. She told her friends she just needed a couple of weeks away but this turned into a tragic situation.
Over that period I met with her 3-4 times and the girl I was looking at wasn't my wife, her eyes were blank, she was emotionally dead and couldn't talk about things-I have since discovered she wasn't talking to anyone, even her best friends or mom.
One of the times we met she said I feel like I am falling out of love with you and it scares me because I thought we were special and not like everyone else. Then 2 weeks later she withdrew further and said she maybe married me for the wrong reasons (because I was a great guy). Throughout this tike she completely changed and was like a different girl. I knew at this point there must have been someone else involved and she was saying these things to justify her actions to herself-there was no way she meant these things which she has since admitted.
I also knew at this stage that she hadn't had an affair 'yet' but was very sure was having an emotional affair with a guy from work (who she previously despised) but spent alot of work time with recently.
Well-one month later she slept with him-I was tipped off that they were on a night out together, drove to the place I knew they were and seen them-i spoke with her and it was like speaking with and looking at a different person-she wasn't wearing much make up, dressed very poorly and she told me it was just a night out with friends- my relationship with her parents is incredibly strong and I went to tell them the situation-they couldn't believe it and told me to drive back and take her home. I was too late (Why I didn't do that in the first place I'll never know)
She didn't come home to her parents that night and I knew in my heart at this stage she had spent the night with him-i stayed awake all night and drove in he next morning to the place I knew she had parked her car. When I got there I saw them getting out of a car together and told her to get into my car-right then she told me she slept with him that night and looking at her she was vacant-I didn't judge her, shout or get angry-we drove straight to her parents.
The next few hours were horrible-to begin with she was staring into space blankly and wouldn't talk to anyone-then eventually she broke down as cried uncontrollably for hours-she said she didn't know who she was, didn't want anyone (even her parents) and did not know what she was doing. She was normally a very intelligent, solid and reliable person to all an so loving towards family and friends.
I left her parents and went to a friends-3 hours later she called and said she needed to see me-we met at our home, hugged and she said 'how can I make this right'-after that we lay on the couch and didn't really say too much for around 1 hour-we just needed to be with each other for some strange reason-then she left and went to her parents, I left and went to mine. I told her i wanted our marriage and would do anything for it.
We had some contact for a few days afterwards but she couldn't come home-she then she contacted me 2 weeks later-asked to meet and told me it was over. At this time i know (through her friend) that she still had feelings for the other guy-when she said it was over I asked -do you mean divorce-she said 'I hadn't even thought about that'-it hasn't been mentioned since. This was around the middle of June.
After that we had no contact for 5 weeks, my wife went back to we parents and I stayed at our home. After 5 weeks of soul searching and hell I asked to meet with her, she said of course and we met, talked for around 4 hours and for the first time I felt that I was speaking with the person I loved so dearly. I told her I felt I had played a big part in her actions inadvertently and understood she didn't want to hurt me. During our talk she was warm, affectionate, hugged me lots and i felt like her closed heart was opened to me again-I asked about giving things a go and she said she didn't want to give me any hope as she just didn't want me hanging on. We left things on good terms with a hug and kiss but didn't talk about divorce etc. She told me to come see her parents at any time and was more than welcome in her house.
That night we texted a bit and she said it was great to see me and I would always have a massive impact on her. Since then I have been inconsistent in my actions. When I have cut contact she has texted saying things like 'just saying hey xxx'-normally warm when she initiates contact-and when I have been feeling desperate/needy I have contacted her-anytime I initiate this she closes off.
Many of her clothes/belongings are still in our home, she is living with her parents and by all accounts is miserable (in her words, I am just trying to get through every day)-her mom has confided in me and told me she is still very quiet, not going out much and still not the same daughter she raised.
3 weeks ago she texted to ask if she could come to the house to get some things (this killed me) but came and only took 2-3 things. At this point I told her I would still do whatever it takes to save out marriage and she said 'my head just isn't I'm a place where I think it could work after what I did and all that has happened'-I told her I know things couldn't be the same but if we have learned from things it could make us stronger-she said she just can't see how it could after what she did.
I went on vacation for 10 days came back and had a night planned with her dad (tickets she bought for us last Christmas)-I went to her house to collect him, she was there, we hugged, she kissed me on the cheek, we laughed and she commented on how well I looked. It was again like seeing my wife and best friend again.
I'm really confused as to what to do now, I'm struggling to get through every day but trying to get on with things as best I can. I've been seeing a counsellor, have recently signed up for some coaching for consistency in my actions and have tried to implement a 180 but am finding this tough due to how I feel. I feel like my world has fallen down around me and all my hopes and dreams are shattered-I will never love anyone else and all I have ever wanted was a family.
People have told me that there is still hope but my fear is that my wife will be too afraid to face our friends family and face up to what she did.
I'm currently in a period of growth, reading a lot and trying to mentally prepare myself if she ever does return but I fear she never will and it kills me to think I have lost my best friend, hopes as dreams and my life has no purpose.
sorry to hear you are going through this. What has been working for me to feel better is reading as much as possible...going through forums and also reflecting on myself and what kind of a person I am. Chasing after her will do no good. I have been on good terms with my H now since I am starting to treat him like a friend. I act happy, well i am happy most of the time . But, your wife will need space, it seems like. Anything you do or say could push her even further so I would be very careful on what I say to her.
Me:27 H:26 T:3 M:1.5 D 6 months D bomb: 6/21/14 I Moved out 9/7/14
I told her i wanted our marriage and would do anything for it.
IMHO, it might be better if you will not state this in these exact words again (since you've already told her twice). It would be better to say something like, "I believe if both of us are willing to do the work we can save the M, however, I won't stand in your way if you want a divorce."
As you've mentioned, this isn't the girl you use to know. She is going through something you can't understand b/c you've not experienced it yourself. I have experienced it, and it is still hard to explain. Whereas you would tell a normal woman the things to assure her of your commitment and love, a WAW is not the "normal". My personal belief is that the LBH should do nothing that causes her to think she could do absolutely nothing to change his love or commitment to her. Why? B/c the WAW who has OM in her head needs to be distracted by her not knowing what her H is thinking, what he's feeling, and what he may do. She should be worried she's messed up and lost the best thing in the world (you).......instead of not fretting over it and feelings secure that you will be there no matter what. When you see if from that perspective, it says you deserve better than what she has given you.
I know that is reversed from what a lot of books may say or people may advise. The "psychology" of that sort of thinking may throw you for a loop, IDK. Just give it some thought. Not in any type of mean attitude or anything, but to help you detach.....and to hopefully cause her to wonder where she now stands with you. Why would she be attracted to a man who would settle for everything his W decided to do to him (like be unfaithful)? Wouldn't she be more attracted to one who held high standards of value in his marriage and wife, and to expect respect from her?
Believe it or not, I am not trying to persuade you to leave her. Just to think about what you've told her a little differently.
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That night we texted a bit and she said it was great to see me and I would always have a massive impact on her. Since then I have been inconsistent in my actions.
You may get a few glimpses of the old W from time to time. Men do seem to let any physical affection really confuse them, and start reading too much into every word the WAW says. What happened above is somewhat common in the early stages. To be blunt, it doesn't mean anything like you hope it does. And just like you hopped on the band wagon to ask if she would consider another go of the M, she told you (in a nice way) she's not interested. Yes, of course you had an impact on her life! I would think anyone she M would have an impact, don't you? Doesn't mean she wants to continue in the marriage, however. So, my warning here is to stop yourself from making some grand meaning into little things she says/does. Hugs, kisses, compliments, etc., are not necessarily signs she's ready to reconcile or even changing her mind. It just means she wants to be nice......maybe even "friends". ( )
Not to sound morbid, but let me ask you something. What would you do in your life if she wasn't here? Would you make changes? Without regard to dating, etc., what would those changes be? How would live as a single guy? What were you like before the two of you started living together? Much changed? This is what I hope you'll think about. Find that guy again.
As for your interactions with her, keep it business-friendly for now. Do not initiate any contact. Do not be "available" all the time. You are busy and getting a life without her.....and you are being happy and know you will be fine. At least, that is how others see you, and you eventually will get there. No pity parties, no all night drunks, no fights, no scenes, no stalking, etc. You are growing and becoming stronger every day. That inner strength, self-confidence, firmness, and take-charge attitude in a man is very attractive to women. Men who avoid conflicts can become very passive, which is not a good thing if you are in the role of a H. You don't have to start conflict.....just don't avoid one at the cost of leading your family.
Don't give up. It may take a long time for her to work through her personal issues. But the sooner you leave her alone and act as if you are moving on with life, the sooner she will decide what it is she wants. She can't have you and the OM, and a lot of WAW'S try to hang on to both worlds. Makes for a long, terrible journey.
Sorry if this sounds negative, I'm trying to cut to the chase and just tell you like it is. Many, many marriages survive affairs! I think your W is going through something she doesn't understand herself. Be patient, loving, and kind......but from a certain distance, so to speak.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Read the 180 rules. Stick to it. Do not contact, there are no kids so this should be easier. It is hard but it is for YOUR sanity. Hit the gym and GAL. Once you genuinely focus on you she will notice and you will benefit no matter the outcome. If your effort isn't genuine she will know and you will only hurt yourself.
I recommend the DB book. At this point you don't have a marriage so focus on you and hopefully you'll both get to the point where you can try. That's where I'm at now Nd it has been hell. Hang in there and find yourself, you can come out of this better no matter the outcome.
Last edited by Cristy; 10/06/1410:10 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books, authors, websites or forums
M:35 WW:32 Dated 8 years M: 2 BD 6/12/14 S: 7/29/14 No kids Reconcile: 9/25/14 Moved back: 10/7/14
Sandi-your input is very thorough!! read DB & DR arrived today. I have also read some other useful resources. I have 3 sessions with a DB coach and but at the moment I am very conflicted.
My steps so far (natural & instinctive as opposed to anything I read) was to apply a bit of both approaches-I exposed to our families who we are very close to and closest friends. I have also been warm, no anger, judgement and accepted I was equally to blame (this opened her heart to me again and was critical for understanding and have got ok with my own life while lovingly distancing.
I was on vacation for 2 weeks and returned last Tuesday-on the Wednesday I ha a concert with my father in law and when collecting him visited my mother in law and wife/she commented on how well I looked, questioned where I was on holiday and my father in law commented that she was visibly shaken (surprised by this).
Can anyone help me digest this conflicting information?
Thanks jn advance for your time
Last edited by Cristy; 09/30/1410:34 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not name other websites
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