Wife Still in MLC but has now left #5

[Matt165]

Thanks Mighty and Ats!
I understand you have had much to deal with lately M. I'm so sorry to read about your friend from work. You never really know what life has in store for you. Last year someone my W worked with (wasn't a friend, someone from another dept.) died in a house fire not far from our home. I remember my W saying "When she woke up that morning she had no idea that it was going to be her last day alive". I actually think, in her MLC state, it was another reason for her to go. She seems to feel that time is running out for her and if she doesn't start doing everything she wants "right now" she will never get to do it.

Hi Ats! You're right about my D14. I actually think it's worse for D19 because her mom has pretty much stopped caring. D19 has told me that when she calls to talk to her mom my W only will talk for a min or two and then say "I have to go" every time. She said when she calls me we always talk for a long time and I am interested in her life but her mom doesn't even bother to care. It's so sad for not only D19 but my W. You know that some day she is going to regret being this way now. She is acting like her father acted towards her most of her life and it really hurt her. She just can't see it right now.

As for this week end I'm not sure. I probably will spend much time on trying to find a new job and watching football on Sunday. It's so hard when you have NO money, and I will have D14 starting Sunday and I will need to be able to feed her and get her to school, etc. Ugh! So very hard!!

[ericmsant2]

Thanks guys, I REALLY needed to hear that tonight.

Anytime...anytime.

Several poster know how to reach me off boards...so if you ever need me, just give me a shout out.

Peace,
Eric

[Wonka]

Matt,

Keep going...one foot in front of the other...and repeat.

Have you thought about dusting off your "Roldex" and reconnecting with your former supervisors/colleagues to drum up some leads for job prospects. In fact, 80% of the jobs are not advertised at all. I'm the living proof of this statistic...almost all of my jobs have been through networking.

Oh and one other thing. The best time to get a job is while you're still employed.

Think about that one, Matt.

[Matt165]

Thanks Wonka,
Yes, I have dusted off the old rolodex but haven't had much luck. I will definitely keep at my current place while looking. Always the chance that I will make a few sales before I find another job.

Had an interesting time while updating my resume. I did get experience in a lot of different aspects of running a business. At least I can take that away from it. I guess I'll never know how much all this MLC chit interfered with my making this work. Of course it is my fault for reacting the way I did and not my W's for actually going through her crisis. In the end it was always my choice how I reacted.

Thanks for stopping by!

[Shining]

Matt, your post made me smile....

You sound great....it seems you're on the path upward.

Job hunting isn't fun...I'm there, too.

Have a great weekend!

[pbetra]

Hi Matt,

Just dropped by as I typically do to catch up on some posts. I see you are moving on bit by bit. That's wonderful Matt - am happy for you! (after such a long haul, good that you are using what you have left FOR YOU!!) I am trying re $$ as well, nothing yet but it keeps me 'engaged' on some level. You received wonderful advice that is applicable also for many of us. Great reading & 're reading' material

Won't be around as much, but wanted to stop by 2 see how you were. So much will fall into place eventually. I also know that your Ds will remember all that you are doing 4 them /have gone through. They are young, but growing emotional maturity is 'around the corner'& they will remember. All the best - keep doing for YOU Matt. Things will work out! Take care, pb

[uRworthy]

Hey Matt. You are sounding good, stronger, steadier.

When I was going through all of this, I made a roadmap of what I wanted to see when I looked back at this time. It was very important to me.

I wanted to see I had acted with dignity, courage, honor and strength. I wanted to know that I did nothing to hurt my son's relationship with his father. It was theirs to forge, but, I did not want to cause any harm to it. I wanted to know that I honored my marriage no matter what the end result would be.

Whenever I wasnt sure of how to act, I looked to my roadmap. Sometimes I made it, sometimes I didnt, but that was always the goal.

Doing the right thing never means at the expense of you. It means that you can look at your actions and not be ashamed of them. It means that you act from a place of strength, not fear or anger.

This crisis happened. It was destined. Nothing you could have done or said could have changed its course. We just dont have that kind of power.

Sometimes stuff happens in life. But how we deal with it..makes all the difference.

The fact that you came to this site..says a lot about you. Most people cut their losses and run.

The fact that you got some 2 x 4's and still came back...says a lot, too.

We can only do the best we can...and hope that peace comes from knowing we did.

[Matt165]

Thanks pbetra,
It's always great to hear from you.
So, saw my W today when I picked up D14. My lawyer has been wanting to see me in his office but he had to cancel the last 2 times so it's been a couple weeks. I do have an appt. for tomorrow morning after I drop off D14 at school. Well, as I was about to get my D and go my W says "Hey, when are you going to see your lawyer?". I looked at her and said "Actually I go see him tomorrow". She then said (in a very sweet voice) "Good, I really want to speed things up". I just smiled and said "Don't worry, you'll get what you want soon" and left it at that. She thanked me for meeting her and left.

This makes me wonder what the heck is happening. How does she even know I'm supposed to go see my lawyer? I'm thinking that it's going to be some kind of "final offer" type of thing since I responded to her last "offer" that basically said how lucky I am that she would "allow" me to stay in our home until D14 turns "18 and a day" and she gets to keep all the retirement, 401K's, HSA money and also the antiques we bought together. My response was that was unfair, that the value of the house now is not much and that by only allowing me to stay there I would need to do many upgrades to sell it and even just stay living there and that whatever money I put out to get the house to the point where it will sell shouldn't be included in her share of the proceeds when it gets sold. I really think that's fair. It's not punitive at all towards her and she gets more than I do in the end.

I have a feeling that this is the end of the process and my M is going to be over in the next week to 10 days. It does make me sad, even though I knew it was inevitable. I'll never understand my W's MLC and why the only answer she has to be happy is ending our 26 year R (21 years M). I really want to have one last talk with her though. I would like her to know that while I don't think D is the answer, I don't hate her. That I really do hope she finds whatever it is she is so badly missing in her life. We haven't been alone a single moment since she left. Of course, I don't have any idea what she is thinking now that she is gone. Whether she is happier or not, it's all she hoped it would be or not. I don't think it matters, don't get me wrong. Just something I'm curious about.

The only R talk we had since she left was the time, 2 weeks after she left, where she freaked out about my asking to keep an antique clock and she ran around the house yelling about how she "had to leave" because she had to sleep on the couch for months, then went on a general spew. I have not once brought up anything. As far as she knows, I am wanting a D as much as she does. I don't know. I guess I'm wondering if there would be anything to gain by talking to her before the D is "final" or not.

I'm actually a little surprised that I'm feeling as sad as I am knowing she is in such a big hurry to get the D over with. It's not like I didn't know it's what she wants. Maybe because it's so "final' once it's at that point, I really don't know. Oh, well. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. I the meantime I'm still needing to find a new job, make some money, etc. No rest for the wicked!

Oh, my w posted something on Facebook yesterday that I saw (we are still "friends"). It was a letter my D14 wrote as a school assignment. She was told to write a letter to someone she "admires". She wrote it to her grandmother, W's real mother. She talked about how much she appreciated her and all she has done for her, etc. I know my D14 is sad about her mom treating her fathers OW as her "new mom" and as said how upset her GM would be if she knew. My W posted the letter and said how proud she was of her D14. I wish my W could see how the way she has been treating her mom like she 's a pain and her "step-mom" (is that the right thing to call her now that W is almost 50 years old?) like she is the smartest most wonderful person she knows makes her mom feel. Not my sand box though. At least my D14 knows all that she has done for all of us (she said in the letter how she is always so good to "every member of my family" which I think is about me!) and shows her how much she cares. She is such a great kid.

[Matt165]

Thanks uR, that really means a lot, more than I think you can ever know!

[Georgiabelle]

Matt,

You sound better. I understand your sadness and I have an opinion on a R talk with your w (gosh of course I have an opinion on this:) As far as chatting with your wife, that's your call although I think just being cordial and being pleasant during interactions will show her you don't hate her. Honestly, she may not even think about how you feel about her at this juncture as it may be too early for her. Give her time. I'm sure others have more wisdom. I guess I'm saying don't force a talk on an irrational person. Regardless of what you say. Remember the audience.

Good luck on the job hunt. Wonka is right- lots of hidden jobs out there.