I'm impressed by your D and her ability to express her emotions. NOt to mention her problem solving skills. Did you catch that she wanted to punish both you and H?
Keep her talking and sharing. Don't let your discomfort with how she's feeling tempt you into making it all better for her. You certainly did a beautiful job in this instance.
You have a great opportunity here.
Yes, Maybell, I absolutely did notice she wants to punish both of us. It's interesting because she is very fair in her trying to care for both of our feelings and fair in her efforts to punish us.
Labug, I am VERY grateful that she's verbally communicative of her feelings. I am also very grateful that her vocabulary is so strong because she's very precise with her words.
I notice that H, whenever D talks about the separation and how she's afraid we'll get a divorce, he always just says, "but you know we love you very much, right?" As if that's her point. He's not so aware of the level of her conversation skills and doesn't quite understand fully that she doesn't feel unloved, she simply doesn't want us separated.
I think he read something that said to reassure the kids that you love them while going through this process. He's always doing that when she talks about the separation. Now she brings up the separation and the first thing she says is, "I know you love me, dad, I get that, I just want you two to work it out!"
It makes me laugh inside because he's addressing what he THINKS is the problem but he's not listening to her. A very familiar predicament.
Generally men get far less in the way of good modeling, mentoring of R skills than women. He's trying and not going to the "Please don't feel bad, I'll buy you a pony if you smile" mode of dealing with emotions.
Have you mentioned to him that you see he's working on this? Dealing with the emotional world of a 7yo girl could be very foreign to a man.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Have you mentioned to him that you see he's working on this? Dealing with the emotional world of a 7yo girl could be very foreign to a man.
No, I hadn't even thought to. What a great opportunity, Maybell. I will absolutely verbally pat him on the back for this. It's not easy stuff, that's for sure! Thank you for helping me see the little stuff. I am definitely macro-focused right now.
SS, I dont have a D. I have 2 S. I will tell you from a mans point of view that what your H is saying to your D seems to be a good thing. I know I may get 2x4 for this, but could you help him see what she is trying to say? Maybe help him develop a better way to talk with her. In my opinion its about the kids and making it easier for them.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Wow. When I read what your daughter said, I nearly cried myself!
I count myself very lucky that my situation has not reached the point of having to tell our 7-year-old son that same thing.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Last night H texted me out of the blue which is very rare.
H: Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I had a very long convo with D about separation/divorce. She brought it up.
Me: She's been bringing it up lately with me a lot, too.
H: Yeah, I figured. I explained that I understand how difficult it must be, but it involves very adult things that she wouldn't understand at the moment.
Her primary concern seems to be about the separate living spaces. I gave her many examples of parents living in separate places, sometimes entire states (like your dad and my dad, etc) Anyway, I figured I should keep you informed of it.
Me: Thank you. I'm thinking that our situation isn't job related like your dad adn my dad and she should know that we're not separated because of work. Wdyt?
H: Sure. I'm indifferent. The end result is the same. We also discussed divorced/remarried parents at her school. Please don't take "I'm indifferent" out of context. I simply don't think it's a particularly important detail.
M: I sort of do.
H: Ok. No problem.
M: I feel it's a distinction our smart child could probably make on her own and don't want to give her the impression that it's perfectly normal for parents to live in separate homes, just like your dad and my dad did for work, you know?
H: Ok. I understand. You and I disagree about this but there really isn't anything I can do about it.
At the risk of being combative, I don't think it's in our daughter's best interest to actively try to make her feel 'different' or alienated from others.
I feel like the healthy alternative is to be transparent regarding how common it is for parents to not live in the same place all the time, regardless of reasons (even though separation and divorce are extremely common). But again, I need to articulate that I'm not making a demand of any kind. Simply reaffirming what I believe to be healthy.
Me: I definitely see where you are coming from. I appreciate you explaining it to me so thoroughly and calmly. I'm pretty sure I agree with you but I need to think it over a little. Is that ok?
H: Of course. Thank you for acknowledging my position and treating it as valid.
---two hours later---
Me: It is valid and valuable. I truly appreciate you explaining it to me and giving me the space to let it sink in and permeate. That time has allowed me to see that making the distinction of WHY adults live separately isn't crucial right now, so I think you're right.
I hope, with time and practice, it won't take me so long to think things like that over but I appreciate you giving me whatever space I needed to do that.
----- end convo----
And then I cried because it was HARD. I wanted to argue and make him NOT belittle our separation by calling it "common" to our D. He is calling it "common" and I immediately assume that means "good" or "fine". I had to turn off my mind reading that told me he WANTS what's common (separation and divorce). I had to remind myself that this isn't about ME, this is about a conversation with our wise-beyond-her-years D. It hurt but I took time away, thought about my goal, rephrased and rephrased again. Chose to validate, affirm, appreciate and protect.
Will convos like that always be that hard? How do you think I did?
I'm still feeling the hurt from the convo hours later. All of this connection to my own feelings has made me MUCH more sensitive than I used to be. I like feeling connected to my feelings instead of feeling like a robot but then I hurt more. OUCH.
