Dusting off my $h*+kickers.... Let's keep DIGGING!

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Shining,

I think the pit is still apprehension. You need to bite the bullet and start to do some things alone. Get out and push your boundaries. Do this without friends or family. Just you. Maybe something you did before marriage. Something you stopped doing. This will build your confidence that you are ok and can live your life. I know, I am having to push myself to do the same.

[2BHappy]

Yeah you have to GAL with friends, and or alone. It will feel strange to not have your H there and or worried about conversations with friends about your M.

But just find something and have some YOU time, enjoy yourself.

I had to smile and pretend for a while that everything was ok when I started to GAL, now its great fun and I look forward to my activities and yes I wish H was there to hang out, but he is not so I have as much fun as I can with my BFF's.

[daring]

Hope you did something fun this weekend to take your mind off the drama!

As far as looking for a new position- have you ever read " now discover your strengths" by Marcus Buckinham? When you get the book it includes access to taking the Clifton Strengths Finder test. This was really insightful for me- did it in a leadership class and things clicked for me as to why certain things motivate my passion. It's a different type of strengths assessment than Meyers Briggs etc.
I think you might find it very helpful as you look for a potential new change in careers.

[Shining]

I had a bad day/night.

I tried to get out yesterday and I failed miserably. It was awful. I'm too ashamed to even write it all.

Then, in my self-loathing meltdown, I had this genius idea and sent a text attack on H.

You can guess how that went.

I am still to blame for everything wrong in his life, plus some new things. But he said he doesn't hate me.

He said we could have been great. Three separate times he said the MLC mantra, "we can never go back". He said that even if by some miracle we were together, there is too much residual damage.

He said he will probably be single forever. And I "ruined him sexually." And the permanent scars that I left are now causing him to not be able to become aroused. His words, "that's just lovely."

He said he has had lots of opportunities with women, unlike anything he has ever seen, as he has "never received attention"(He was very shy in high school, over-worked and neglected at home). But that he is "way way picky" and his criteria is "very very high" and probably no one will meet his standards. He said "lessons learned in life. So be it".

He said he is trying to find himself. And that right now he is "not unhappy single". He is "alive and nothing or no one is beating me down each day". He said he is going back to working on music.

He said he has to think about "him" and get back on track. He feels he is on that path. I pray he's right.

It's smoothed over now. He said we are "friends with boundaries." Yay me.

[bdub]

Hang in there shining. Change your GAL strategy so that you can succeed.

[Georgiabelle]

Shining,

I'm sorry you had a rough night. It's really difficult to wrap your head around the fact that they really aren't there anymore and how quickly things changed, huh?

One thing I frequently notice (and I want to clarify that I am not advocating that people file like I did) is that many people talk about leaving their WAS alone and letting them be, however they haven't truly let them go. It's a process I'm sure. I mean it's difficult because you keep *expecting* that person you spent years with to *reemerge*. And I think many do.......down the road. It's difficult to just toss that up in the air and say time frames be gone. I have no idea if your h will regret his actions. I think many do. I just think it's on their time. Whether it's 2 years, 5 yrs or 20 yrs down the road. No one knows. That's why everyone says to live like they aren't coming back because no one knows.

Shining sounds like a smart, funny, attractive lady who also happens to be compassionate and a fantastic mom. Don't get sucked into your h talking about what could have been. Focus on what Shining wants and what can be-FOR YOU.

Have a liberty heel stretch kind of day:-)

[uRworthy]

Hey my friend. I am sorry you had a bad day. They happen, right?

Let me just tell you that everyone on here has heard a variation of most of that stuff he wrote.

So, first things first...what can you put in place so that you dont reach out to him like that again? Can you call someone, write it down, whatever?

The next thing is this...you are still being so hard on yourself, sweetie.

The getting out thing...man, was that hard for me. Still is at times. Some people it is just natural for, others not so much. Doesnt make you less than..

Please do not allow a person in crisis and who is depressed, to
assess your worth.

Remember your list...you are special, S. He is wrong. Plain and simple. Know how I know? Look at what he has done. Look at what he is writing. He is broken. Really and truly.

So, tomorrow is another day. Break the GAL into really small parts. Can you just go to a store and walk around and maybe smile at someone? Can you look into a class you may want to take?

Just gather info for now. You dont have to act on it if you arent ready.

And no more self loathing thoughts, ya hear?

[Shining]

Thanks, All.

Having a tough time and few steps backwards in the self-work stuff. I'm just really feeling so down and I can't shake it.

I can't get out of my own way. I'm struggling with detaching. It's because I don't want to. And I half-try, then half hope, then I fall back. I know I have got to get this or I'll spiral down deeper. I just have to get this. I'm questioning my own sanity so often. I go from such extreme hopefulness, to the opposite extreme hopelessness within a day.

Maybe I need to pretend we are already D. I'm still in denial that he's this sick. Why isn't it sinking in? Why can't I let him go? It's so obvious at times..... then it isn't .....and I have hope.

I'm going through motions trying to live and doing what I think I'm supposed to. But the sadness, loneliness....it's not fading lately. I know I need to GAL. I'm just not ready. But it's starting to hurt me to be this stuck in sadness.

I'm also starting to panic about my S18s leaving. I don't know what I'm going to do without them. I have no support here. It's going to get lonelier.

So, my meltdown....I tried to not stay inside yesterday, so I went to this family golf place up the street, where my S18 worked. I thought it would do me some good to be around friendly people watching football. I was doing ok, until I was approached by 2 men, who sat and talked with me for a while. I was enjoying the conversation, but I learned quickly that one of them had more than friendly ideas. I declined, of course. Then I literally ran to my car like a freak and started bawling. Oh, then of course they saw me, too...I was pathetic.

I am upset that when I thought I was just being friendly, that I was obviously giving off an impression that I was interested in more. I dissected the conversation to figure out when it changed and why. I still don't know. Now I'm questioning my entire set of social skills. I used to feel so safe as part of a couple. Now I feel vulnerable and unprotected. I used to walk confidently into a room without blinking. Now....I'm skittish and paranoid? Wtf.

Then I got angry at the fact that I'm alone, and angry at H for leaving me this way. Then a whole bunch more anger poured out. I'm also upset because it no longer feels right to wear my ring, and had I been wearing it, that wouldn't have happened. And I blamed H. That somehow my fears are his fault. That was not fair at all. I sure was mad.

So, I texted him that I was scared and I didn't feel safe anywhere anymore. And then I sent some kind of how-could-you type of thing....ugh. Then he said I'm crazy. And I said it's not crazy, it's sadness. It's an emotion. You should try it. ....whoa, boy. I never used to talk to him like that in the past. I've never hurt like this before, either.

I don't have friends here. I tried to get out alone. I'm not doing that anymore. Maybe this year through my S16 and D13 school activities or church, I'll meet some new friends.

[Shining]

Hi, uR, why does it make so much sense when you put it in perspective....he's in crisis and I'm allowing him to assess my worth. <<< that's what I keep forgetting. He's in crisis.

What can I put in place to not do that....hmmmm. I don't have anyone to call... Writing is probably my best option. Tie myself to a chair without my phone. Take a shower. Put headphones on. I'll need a cheat sheet, for sure.

I went to the store today. Smiled at people there. Task stuff seems easier. It's the fun stuff that's difficult for me lately.

I think I have more anger that I haven't dealt with. I'm rarely angry. But it's creeping up when I'm super sad and hopeless.

[uRworthy]

Ok, I am going to just say this, cuz I know you know what I am about.

Two men spoke to you, found you engaging and attractive and decided to let you know and that is your fault? Nope, cant let you take that one, S.

You didnt do a thing wrong. You talked with some people. What they decided to think is on them.

I know you are sick of hearing this, but, you arent supposed to be at the detaching part yet at this early stage. Right now it is a concept that you practice each day..til it happens.

Even when knowing that he is in crisis, it still hurts to be rejected by the person you love. It just does. It stings for a good, long while. Until your mind allows you to really get that he is rejecting himself. Our self confidence takes a big hit during all of this. When we realize that we are the only one who can determine our worth, it becomes so clear. You are on your way.

This is a process. A tough,one. You will take two steps forward and one back at times. We all did. Trust me. As long as you get back on your path. That's the important part.

You have had a lot happen to you in a short amount of time. Your h goes nuts, you lose your job, sell your have and have to move. You were holding your breath for awhile. Now you are starting to feel it. Perfectly normal. Heck, if you didnt feel it, I'd be worried.

So, the GAL thing didnt work out, but, good for you for trying. You do need to be among people. That's really important. Keep thinking about it. You will figure it out. If its task stuff you need to do right now, so be it.

You backslid. It happens. Tomorrow is a new day. Shining, you will get through this. I promise you. I will be here to help you in any way I can.