Wife having emotional affair part 3

[Card29]

I find it highly unlikely that a severely depressed person is simultaneously using their depression in a manipulative way to gain power in any situation. At least if my W is any indication. Depression invokes apathy and confusion (among many other things). Regardless, I wouldn't even consider that thought. Focus on yourself and supporting her when she allows. You do that, and whether she's scheming or not, she will not gain control of you since you would already have it.

I would like to cut the emotional cord but this issue is serious.

yes it is serious. But you can detach yet still be a great supporter. In fact, you'd be a much better support for her if you are detached and healthy yourself.

If she chooses to not get help this time I might just say "don't ask for help from me any more, this life choice is yours and since you won't let me help the offer is not there anymore". On the fence about this hole ordeal.

Do not do that. She is confused and in pain. It's not your job to fix that, but imposing an ultimatum or lifelong consequences for her being too distraught/embarrassed/confused in this moment to choose a means of help accomplishes nothing other than set a precedent that you will inevitably backtrack on.

It has to be her decision for when she needs help, unless she becomes dangerous to herself or others. In the meantime, detach and take care of yourself FIRST (like a parent on a plane who puts on their oxygen mask first), and do some research for spouses of depression ("depression fallout"). You might even schedule an appt for yourself with a therapist to gain some insight, even if WAW doesn't see them.

[3kids]

Thank you all for the information on depression. It's so wonderful to have all this support. I think she is really messed up in the head right now. I will continue to try and help her when she asks me for help. I do not want anything bad to happen to her when she is so unstable. Point in example.

Last night we took the kids out to get costumes. Had a blast. I'm going to have a little Bakugan guy, a Prom Queen death and a very scary clown. There costumes are so cool. This all took a couple of hours and supper fun. During the fun the wife got a phone call from her sister asking to meet them for dinner. It was at Buffalo Wild Wings. Which was just a round the corner from us. She asked if I wanted to join. I said my plans don't start until latter so sure. Get out to the car and I tell her what streets to take to get over there. And she tells me no the other BWW over an hour away. I told her if you want to drop me off on the way that's ok because if it was to weird to have me with to eat with her family. She asked what I wanted and I said I would like to see them. She said great I would like you to join us. Had dinner with her sisters family had a great time. It almost seemed like we where a family again. I know I shouldn't look at it like that but it still was very nice. The dinner ended and we left. On the way back to my house she made a comment that we shouldn't have done that because it messes with the kids heads. I said well there heads are already going to be messed up(should have validated better here). During dinner the BIL invited me out to there new lake lot for a big bonfire. The wife and kids are already going I guess but I told him I would have to see. I told the wife on the way home that he invited me but I didn't know if she would like me out there and didn't want to step on her toes. She said that there was going to be other people out there so not to worry about it. Got back to my place gave the kids hugs and kisses.

This part broke me because this is how real the night felt. Gave my five year old a hug and kiss and he asked what are you doing. I said going home buddy and he said why aren't you coming home with us. ( still crying as I write this). I said your going home with mommy and this is daddy's home. He gave me the most blank look with the most loss of emotional feelings I think I have ever seen in my life. Gave the rest of the kids hugs. The daughter of course says at least we don't have to text tonight. And the oldest says I'll text you later anyways. Love you dad. Now I know this was a very emotional for the wife because she could hear everything. She was getting out of the car to have a smoke and when the oldest said that she put out her smoke. Said thank you for going with us tonight and jumped in the car and left. I barely got off a have a good night.

I called my friends and told them that I was not going to make it. I sadly cried my self to sleep because of my five year olds feelings.

Well today is another day. Off to do some hunting with a friend and we will see where that goes. Sorry about the post just had to get some feelings out. I'm not trying to get anything out of the night with the wife. Just felt really bad for the kids.

[1foot2]

Wow that is killing me. When do you see the kids again next?

[Ahoy]

So sorry you're going through that. Seeing the pain that the kids endure is the worst. Just keep doing the best you can to make it as easy for them as possible. I know how hard it is. It's also hard to believe WAS would think the pain is worth it, but there you go. Different values.

[bravo61]

Heartless, that is what comes to mind. That their freedom is worth the pain of others is what's truly disturbing. Praying for you, I truly feel your pain.

[3kids]

My daughter got into quotes. And this is one she wrote down that I just found.

"Forget all the reasons why it won't work and believe in the one reason why it will"

Two more hours and I get my kids, man I love them. Thank you for all the support.

[3kids]

Tuff day tomorrow! Anniversary of our wedding day. Took the day off for me. Seen the wife on Sunday night kid exchange. Told her happy anniversary on Friday since I won't see you for a couple of weeks. Didn't hear her response because of the kids talking to me but I said it for my own sake not to hear her response.

[3kids]

Had a great weekend with the kids. Didn't sit down one second. From Halloween carnival to hunting. Even got in a high school playoff game. Carved pumpkins and cooked treats. Every one slept good last night EXCEPT the little guy with a stuffed up nose, one exhausted dad. Her family came and visited me this weekend, which was awesome because they where such a big part of my life before all this. And it was great to see them.

The wife let the kids down again, told them she would come to the carnival but never showed. Kids didn't even ask about her. I wish this fog would lift so she would actually show up for stuff for them if she said she was going. But I made sure they still had a blast.

On a side note kids said that she missed another day of school and almost missed another day if the daughter wouldn't have woke her up. OM isn't in town. Sounds like they are fighting all the time from what the kids say. Who cares but I hope she doesn't mess up with the school stuff. I hope that dream of hers doesn't get affected by this. But it's her life! Just hate to see her go down that road. Feel really bad for her.

On a better note, I'm doing great on my GALS but wish I could do better on my 180's. Still get burst of anger with kids. Hard to control emotions when they are rude. Trying to figure 180's that would better myself.

[sandi2]

I realize it is upsetting when the other parent doesn't do a good job. This is another area you have to learn to let go. The kids are already learning not to expect much from her, and now you need to do it too. Her lack of good parenting will actually work against you b/c it will upset you.....and the kids can probably tell. Do yourself (and the kids) a big favor and turn loose. That is on her. Be glad you won't be in her shoes one day.

[3kids]

Sandi I don't think your telling me to explode on her are you?

I don't let the kids know this either, they just make a comment and I brush it off like its normal of her now. Because it is! It was more of a observation than anything. It's just so sad that a one time great parent that wouldn't miss any of this stuff is missing so much of their lives.