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There are so many up and downs in a day. WOW. First my boss gives me a $5000 dollar raise. Great I really need it. Then the kids come home and tell me that wife and OM are out house shopping. Total downer! Sorry but time for a beer.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,126
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You are clearly too involved in every action your W makes - over-analyzing, trying to mentally process every single bit of information your brain receives and allocate it some sort of meaning or value, which is all happening at lightning speed because you are feeling desperate, but you are still coming up empty on "answers" on how to fix this and it is eating you alive. Detach. Drop the rope.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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3kids Offline OP
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What is drop the rope?


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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Get the picture of a tug of war in your mind. The "rope" is your emotional strings you have tied to her. She is pulling away, while you are pulling in, trying to get her back.

What happens if you suddenly drop the rope? You just let go of it and walk away.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Ok thank you. I understand now. It's all very hard to understand. But I think I get the gist. If I stop thinking about all her stuff, like action and why she is doing this and that. It will help me detach more. Stop worrying about it. Farm analogy, if you stop chasing the animal it might just come back to the barn.

The other hard part is her depression. Ignored a tone of phone calls and texts this weekend. For one me and the kids didn't sit down one second. And I didn't want to ruin my fun. Had planned on calling her back this morning when I got to work. She didn't leave any messages and just texts saying to give her a call when I got a chance. Well I didn't get a chance. So she beat me to the punch this morning and called right a way. Not to talk to the kids or anything. She wanted to drop off the money she owes me tonight. But me and the kids are busy again tonight so that's a no go. Then she went into how she really needed to talk to me this weekend because she wasn't doing good emotionally and depressed. And I wasn't answering or wouldn't return her calls. I said if it's very important leave me a message. And she really needs to get help and to let me know if there is anything I can do. I would really like to help her with the depression but she just doesn't see it yet. And I feel kind of done being her talking buddy if she doesn't want to get help.

My oldest confided in me this weekend that he's getting sick of her being to strict with the youngest two. I told him I appreciate him playing and being with them over at his moms house(the other two tell me that he is the only one who plays with them). He is taking over the dad position at her house. God I raised a great kid! He makes me so proud. And I make sure to tell him every chance I get.

25years we didn't get any birds this weekend. Corn is still up around here. But they started cutting today. Going out with an old friend this next weekend. Should be fun. Hopefully we will get some then.

Got invited over to the BIL this past weekend for a block party. Me and the kids had a blast and met a ton of new people. The one thing I have a question on for other divorcing parents. Did your kids become more clingy? Like they don't really want to leave your side when around new people.

Last edited by 3kids; 10/13/14 07:03 PM.

M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 300
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3kids Offline OP
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Hi all!

Been doing great with dropping the emotional rope. Had parent teacher conferences last night for the two youngest ones. And because I have been putting so much effort into the kids and school. We had the best conferences ever. The wife just stood there dumb founded. She had no input at all with the teachers. Which is really sad. The wife is an emotional reck. But I refrained from offering any help other than taking her to the doctor. She is kind of up set the I haven't answered her phone call to help her through her tough times. But I just can't be that person for her, she is with OM. She is using me that way. Any ways I let her know that in a nice way. She then said she had no relationship with OM(lie). I said, I thought you where moving in with him. She said that's to big of commitment and can't commit to it. She said, I could live here(my house) but I'm not working on our marriage. I said, I never said that, I said you couldn't live here while still having OM. Conversation ended. She tried sticking around but me and the kids already had plans.

Then came today. Kids have day off and I had planned a day with them. Well miscommunication between I and her. So we split the day with the kids. So me and the kids just winged it and had a blast. She picked up, I continued my PMA. It's getting pretty easy. Although she kept starring at me oddly. Then standing close to me. Don't know what that was all about. But then the kids questions about halloween and costumes. They wanted to know about if we where going to all go out together. It's not my night with them so I left it up to her. She said yes to all of going out trick or treating. Great I really didn't want to miss that. But then the wife asked about costumes. And I told her where we looked already for costumes and she was free to pick them up if she wanted. She asked if it was important to me I could come with. I love hollowed. So even though this is probably cake eating I'm not going to pass that up. I love my kids and I'm not missing an opportunity to pick out some awesome costumes with them.

So she gets some cake eating but I don't get to miss out on some unbelievable fun with my kids.

Thanks for reading! Have a great one!


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 300
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3kids Offline OP
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Ok vets I need help. She finally asked for help on her depression and anxiety. She would like to see a therapist. Which kind of therapist should I try and suggest for her and find for her. Tonight she did mention suicide again. But said she would never do it. Going to talk to her later about it because I have to pick up the oldest because of a friend family emergency. Bad car accident with semi.

So I need help!


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 300
3
3kids Offline OP
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Well I met with the wife last night. She wants help but doesn't know the direction she wants to go. Medication vs counseling. I can't help if she doesn't let me. Still don't know what type of therapist to go after. She says her problems are, school, work, kids, depression, anxiety, doesn't know what direction to go in life, housing. The direction I found interesting. She said she has paths in life and doesn't know which one to choice. She said she goes from extreme happyiness to extreme saddness. She talks to friends but goes up and down from there talks. Doesn't talk to family because she doesn't want them to know the problems in her life and doesn't want to try to explain every thing to them. I offerd to pay for what every the cost of either choice.

PM I don't know if this is her trying to gain control again but like 25years suggested I have to take this with caution and compation. I have talked with some friends that I know that have dealt with depression. And it's very very serious. But the control thought is always in the back of my head.

25years if you have any suggestions I would greatly appreciate it. Since you have dealt with this issue.

I would like to cut the emotional cord but this issue is serious. If she chooses to not get help this time I might just say "don't ask for help from me any more, this life choice is yours and since you won't let me help the offer is not there anymore". On the fence about this hole ordeal.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,126
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Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,126
Don't worry about if it's her trying to gain control. Focus on you and your lists of action items.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Joined: Sep 2014
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Those all sound like valid issues to me, and things that I have struggled with in the course of my ten-plus year battle with depression. Struggling with who you are, who you want to be, and who you feel you are supposed to be is a paralyzing thing, especially for a parent of children, and even moreso for a mother. This is where you really need to listen actively to her and let her open up about how she's feeling. Revealing this kind of stuff can be very embarassing and vulnerable.

Its understandable that she doesn't know exactly where to turn. For some people, its hard to put all these complex questions in the hands of a doctor and a drug. Its also hard to find the right therapist you can develop a relationship to work with effectively. Its a process that has to be taken a step at a time, trial and error style.

By pursuing your 180s and self improvement, you can model this behavior for her. At least, thats what Im trying to do in my situation.

I would take her cry for help very seriously. Just because shes acting out on it in a way that you dont like (and my W is too) doesnt invalidate what she is struggling with.


M: 33
W: 33
M: 9 T: 10
3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5
BD: 8/3/14
Living together
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