Wife having emotional affair part 3

[3kids]

Thanks you 25yrs and Sandi.

I did not react to anything. I just let off some steam and calmed down. 25yrs she is being very selfish right now with the kids. But what did you mean it could show a clue?

Had a very ruff morning with d9. She couldn't find the right cloths for school and that became other problems. Had to leave her home for a second to take the boys to school. That's when the oldest let me in on something, he said dad I don't think the cloths are her only problem today. Man I'm not bright! So when I got back I talked with her and of course that was the problem. Very upset about the divorce and dad didn't catch it. So she stayed home with my mom until I can get off work early to spend some time with her. We already had a cry session this morning that got her calmed down a little.

Do I let the wife know or just handle it my self?

[3kids]

Haven't talked to the wife since last Thursday. Wow how things change when OM come into town. Funny how that works. I must be pretty easy to replace. Kind of hurts. Just a thought.

[PatientMan]

She'll get her needs met wherever she chooses. If he's in town, she's choosing him. When he's not, she goes with her backup plan which you mistake as hope.

That feeling you have right now of being unworthy and second best? Let it get branded onto your brain. Then the next time she comes back around trying to get her needs met from you because OM is out of town, remember how this feels. It is not hope, she is playing you.

Now, what she does is out of your control, so you need to focus as much as possible on what you CAN control, which is becoming the best version of yourself possible, GAL'ing, being a great father, etc. Just keep following the advice you have been getting. For example:

• Focus on creating the best life possible for you and your children.
• Accept your W for who she is right now instead of wishing she was who she used to be or trying to make her into someone she is not.
• Set and enforce boundaries for your own good.
• Be an honorable man.
• Be a man only a fool would leave.
• Be yourself - Figure out who YOU want to be. Diligently work on becoming that person and don't let anyONE or anyTHING get in your way.
• Keep the road paved home smooth.
• LEAD your family - make sure it is as healthy and intact as possible. She is welcome to join you if she wants.
• Read sandi's rules every day.

You can waste your time trying to figure out "why" she is acting this way, or you can plow ahead. In the end, you're going to end up plowing ahead anyway, so you might as well accept things for what they are, accept the uncertainty of her, and start doing the work. Your best hope of saving your marriage is following the DB principles...so FOLLOW THEM!

-PM

[3kids]

Thanks PM!

Since Sandi, 25yrs, and you have all brought up keeping the road home paved smooth. What does it mean? Is it if she wanted to come home let them but have them do some work to get there.

[PatientMan]

It means don't burn the bridge. It means PMA. It does NOT mean become a doormat and/or compromise your self-respect or your boundaries as to how you will be treated as a man and a human being.

-PM

[3kids]

I hate switch days. The moment the kids leave I feel empty. The D9 told me today to make sure and text her every day on her Ipod. I wasn't doing it in the last couple of weeks because she hasn't been texting back, but now I know that it's very very important to her. She's having a hard time with the seperation of places and not having mom and dad in the same place. We have been doing the seperation for a good six or seven months. Just goes to show you that the pain never leaves them. Even if mom and dad are getting along great.

Makes me SAD! The pain we have caused.

[3kids]

To add to that last post. The kids always call and text me when there with mom. Odd that they never call and text her when there with me. They never even ask to do it. Of course she never calls or texts them either. I must be doing something right.

[sandi2]

It means don't burn the bridge.

I like that answer! I suppose everyone has their own interpretation of the meaning.

Keeping the road home paved smoothly means not making things more complicated and difficult to work it out. Just for one example, getting involved with another woman could cause more complications in your stitch.

To me, it means that you shouldn't lay traps, set detours, have hidden signs, or place barriers across the road. And of course, don't burn all the bridges. Btw, don't try to hitch a ride with her and offer to drive.

Some men want to lay the asphalt with gold, install bright street lights on each side of the road and have flashing neon arrows pointing over his house, have road rails to keep her from leaving the road, and place barriers across any other road. They want to have a service station every mile to help her with any new issues. They really would like to serve as a traffic cop! And to top it off, they want to buy her a new Cadillac.....with a map inside. They figure it couldn't hurt.

Get my meaning?

[3kids]

Couple journal entries. At Tuesdays football game for the oldest the wife showed up late(unusual, but OM is still in town). Thought I was going to blow a lid because of oldest bio dad showed up. Yah right buddy show up now that my kid is becoming a super star. Varsity football and baseball are already looking at him in seventh grade. Not to mention town baseball also. Where were you at every practice and tee ball and at home teaching how to become a leader and not a follower. He frustrates me! But anyhow kept my cool and ignored him.

While I was standing there with my mom and some other parents. The wife came and stood by me the entire game. Now I realize this not a sign or anything on my part. But what I think I does show is that she wants others to believe that we are ok or trying on stuff. This isn't the first time she has done this. She did some small talk and I listened. Found it funny, we live in a small town of 2500 people and about 30 minutes north of the cities. Told her about the moose that got hit last night on the highway. She had no clue. In our town you go to the bathroom wrong and every body hears about it. So this was big news. Since we don't ever have them in our area. Did some more talking and the kids won the game. Told her about the youngest and a field trip for school. Asked her if she could go because I could not make it. She said she could but made a comment like wow you can't make it to this and why not(work very important). I make it to all sports stuff but not much school stuff because of times they happen. One of my 180's. For all the kids stuff.

Move on to today. Get a phone call ignore it no message. Call back after a little bit no answer. She calls back in a little bit. She tell me about national hot lunch day and she can't make it. So I said no problem I got it. She didn't know what time, I said I'll figure it out. And gave me the nights and times for parent teacher confrinces. I thanked her because we signed up but both of us could not remember which days and times. While I was trying to find some scratch paper she went into this discussion about money. She was on her way to the dentist with the oldest and I asked if she had payed some of that bill yet. But of course she didn't(all dentist visits are set up on her days). She said she was going to pay it today(at least my money that I put towards it). Then she started talking about how she hasn't payed bills in a couple of months(she has the money but just hasn't payed). And money is the root to all evil. I validated and sympathized. Money has always been our issue, never enough. She must be in la la land because that is just sad when you have the money to pay bills and you just don't. She hasn't even cashed a child support check from me from two weeks ago. I just can't believe how out of touch she is with every thing. I did make this convo as quick as possible, I didn't validated to much on the money issue, let her figure out her problems(maybe push them on OM). Or at least the bad part.

[3kids]

Thanks Sandi, that clears it up a ton. I haven't offered in a couple of weeks, I did figure that one out. OM problably leaving soon so I'm sure she will start calling me again. That's what today was probably about. Just have to try and stop trying to fix all her problems. Let her figure it out. It's all tough because you still want to help the person you love.