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#2491957 09/28/14 05:02 AM
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Old thread here

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2486639&page=1


Haha guys at the shrine idea. As funny as it is, that is probably the last thing going on in there. I know ultimately it does not matter, and there is nothing I could do about it should I find out there is OM. It is just annoying. I am not sure I mentioned it but every facetime is done from her car (maybe one or two from inside facing a corner). I am headed to her area to get the kids at 8 in the morning. I am positive she will not be at her place and will want to meet somewhere. Oh well. I am taking the kiddos and my dad (dads bday) to New Orleans in the morning for the day. Will be a fun time!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Now you have stirred my curiosity!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hey Pilot, I hope you had a great time in N.O..that is quite a town. Just catching up on your thread. How are you doing! It sounds good to hear WAW is opening up a bit. I consider this a voctory. How is soccer going. Limbo isn't the best of places to be. You have to stay positive. Life has a way of getting in the way sometimes. Not a bad thing.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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igit, not really too much on the W front. Nothing new. She is not really opening up in a consistent manner. Really just that one day. I do not think I have seen or talked to her much really. I will see her in the morning, as we have a meeting with one of S5 teachers early tomorrow. We also have soccer practice. It is my week with the kiddos, and I will NOT be asking her to Moes tomorrow! Hah.

Soccer has been going great. It really is herding cats when you coach 3 year olds. The 5 year olds are a little better, but I have 2 kids that do nothing but fight, then their parents argue with each other as to who's kid started it.

A REALLY interesting development happened in the past 2 days. Mostly last night and today. Basically I went and had drinks with one of W's friends (from before I met W) and long story short, this friend confessed she had always had a crush on me and was always super jealous of my W because she was married to me. I will leave this story at that.... But it definitely got interesting!

I hope you are doing well buddy. I have been slacking on my DB forum reading/posting the past few days.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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I have spoken in the past about how I still pay certain bills for W. I have bitched and moaned privately, and here, but I have always paid them when she asked for the money. My thinking/mood now is the next time she asks to simply say no. If she asks for details, I will be honest, and say I no longer will participate in this life she has chosen. I do not agree with it, and therefore, I will not contribute to it. If she wants to continue the path she has chosen, good luck, but you are on your own.

FWIW we have no separation agreement. I have simply grown tired of her expecting me to drop everything and take care of things for her and never a single 'thank you' or acknowledgement.

Any thoughts or opinions?


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Hi Pilot,

Newbie poster here, and like most, I have been reading for some time before starting to post here as from late last week.

Your thread is one I have been following: excellent confidence booster you just received from your W's friend (I was just writing about such, as part of becoming/being attractive)!


Me:47 W:45
T:18 M:14
No children
BD: Jun 2014 INILWY and want to divorce
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W moved out: Aug 2014
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Pilot,

Good on your decision to not be the financial blanket for your W. Part of the path in my opinion is showing the other party how difficult life can be on one income.

I would like to hear more stories of you and this other girl. I am in somewhat of a similar situation although I do not intend for anything serious to occur.



"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
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Pilot, I like the way you are thinking. I 100% agree with the no more $$$ help. It's a big bad world out there and I wouldn't enable any longer. You might just take the bull by the horns and say something like. WAw I miss you and the kids miss you and want you to come home. Show her some real strength when you say this. She has seen the impact this has had on everyone by now. I don't know if vets would like this or not. You don't have to make it an ultimatum. Just say it and let it go for her to think about. PILOT I know how you feel. It's frustrating! Stay strong and show your boys that you love there mom and will persevere.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Hey Pilot, sounds like a health boundary to me. I guess the only consideration is the nature of the bills you are paying and whether not paying could have any possible consequence to the kiddos if she failed to pay? (sorry - not fully up to speed with this aspect of your sitch)


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I'm going to take a slightly different tack here.

Remembering, I AM NOT A LAWYER.

I think just cutting her off unilaterally is going to raise a HUGE stink and drive her into legal arms.

Is that what you want?

In my sitch, I found that I'm emotionally not ready to pull the legal separation trigger, divide the assets, etc. When I talked to the lawyer, I found that it is absolutely possible to make a financial agreement with my husband that gives me some security without doing anything too dramatic to the finances or the legal condition of the marriage. Owing to the developments in my sitch, I haven't done that yet either, but it's out there.

Like what your W has done or not, you are under certain moral and legal obligations to provide for your family. If you want to pull the rug out from under her in a way that keeps the road home paved, then I suggest you talk to a lawyer, find out what your legal requirement WRT support are, and then make a contract with your wife that puts that into effect.

Then, she can't ask you for financial help because she's getting what she's entitled to. She can ask you for other kinds of help, but as part of your distancing you can politely decline. But your a$$ is covered and she won't have recourse to the law that would force her to do more than you are willing to do.

If you do all that, and considering the conversation you had with her friend, then I think you should take a few weeks to think really hard about what it is you want.

My two cents. wink


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Originally Posted By: Maybell

Like what your W has done or not, you are under certain moral and legal obligations to provide for your family. If you want to pull the rug out from under her in a way that keeps the road home paved, then I suggest you talk to a lawyer, find out what your legal requirement WRT support are, and then make a contract with your wife that puts that into effect.

Then, she can't ask you for financial help because she's getting what she's entitled to. She can ask you for other kinds of help, but as part of your distancing you can politely decline. But your a$$ is covered and she won't have recourse to the law that would force her to do more than you are willing to do.


Thank you for saying this Maybell. It has bothered me for a while that some LBH are so willing to pull out all financial support from their WAW, even when there are children involved. (Pilot, please don't take that personally, it's not about you. It's just a feeling I've had for a while and I happen to be posting it on your thread. Please don't take offense.) No matter what she's doing at the moment, you both had a hand in creating marital assets, and she probably played a role in whatever job you have been able to work your way into now. Echoing Maybell, that gives even a LBS a moral obligation, imo.

Legally, in my state, it makes no difference whether I am left behind or walk away. The financial division is the same. I totally agree that talking to a L and finding out what your legal obligations would be is a good step to figuring this out. You don't have to fund a new lifestyle, but you don't have to cause her unnecessary financial stress either.



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Amen and amen!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Hi ladies and gents, I could be wrong but I don't think pilot is saying he won't take care of his family or his obligations but that he won't keep paying all her bills, as in her personal credit card or whatever things she wants just to entertain herself. I'm not a lawyer and I don't know the laws in that state but I don't think one spouse has to pay all bills of the other? Just enough to cover kid stuff and living expenses right?

Personally it would irk me very much if my spouse was living it up and I had to pay for it! I wouldn't! My WAH is indeed living it up but our finances are separate. I wouldn't expect he would pay for my waxing appointment or my bar tab and I wouldn't want to pay for his new shoes or dinner dates with OW.

I think that is what you are saying, right pilot?

But it would probably benefit you pilot to make a support agreement with her so that you know what you have to pay and she understands what she will be getting. Like Maybell said then things are clear and you know you are doing what is required under the law, and have something to point to when she comes asking for extras. And perhaps it will be a shock to her to have to budget.

Hugs, Lisa

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Lisa, if Mrs. Pilot is entitled to spousal support under the law then it doesn't matter WHAT she spends it on -- she's entitled to the support even if she does spend it on a waxing appointment or a bar tab or whatever.

What I read in his post was him just cutting her off. If he yanks the rug out from under her the way I read it, then she will turn to the law. Guaranteed. I don't know if she's actually entitled to anything given the term of their marriage and that I don't know what she does for work, and possibly she's entitled to at least some amount of child support.

Given that he's feeling unhappy with the way finances are being dealt with between them (as I think is reasonable under the circumstances), it would be better for both of them and for his DBing if he regularized exactly what amounts he gives her. Her treating him like a piggy bank isn't good for her respect for him, and isn't good for his goodwill towards her either. Lose-lose.

Once you've got a regular system in place then SOP should be NO EXTRAS, NO EXCEPTIONS.


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A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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Hey guys...thanks for the replies. Lisa is on par. I have never and will never deny my kids anything they need...regardless of where they are staying at the time. I currently pay for 100% of the kids' needs. Clothes, schools, health insurance. I pay for storage cost for all of our property still being stored in 2 locations in our old state. I pay all medical for the kids, as well as recently added W to my own insurance. The only thing W pays for in regards to the kids is food for them when they are with her.

In our old state, the threshold for her being entitled to alimony was 7 years of marriage. We were married 6 years and 2 months when she filed. It was also a no fault state. Odds are, had we ended up in court, it was possible a judge could have ruled for rehabilitative alimony due to the nearness to the 7 year threshold. In our new state, the threshold is 10 years. It is NOT a no fault state. Affairs are factored in when determining alimony. My new state attorneys tell me that due to the fact we are over 3 years away from the threshold AND she had an affair, there is pretty much no chance she will get a dime in alimony. Child support has to be paid by both parents. Both new and old state has a formula based on income and each parent is expected to throw a % of that into the child support pot. Whatever that is, it is.

The reality is my W is currently living a better lifestyle than I am. The money I send her I agreed to prior to our S. Then she filed D. I backed off of it for half a month. Then out of guilt, sense of obligation, fear of burning bridges, or whatever, I began to pay. Lawyers in both states advised me against it. New state lawyer wishes I would quit paying anything right away. In a sense, this has become a cheese less tunnel. She is quick to ask, and never around to acknowledge or thank. I have overdrawn my own account on purpose to make sure she got what she asked for when she asked for it. It is her smug sense of entitlement which I guess has irked me long enough. As I said, I do not agree with what she is doing, so why voluntarily fund it? Maybe she will rush to a legal remedy. Maybe she will be just fine. I got a pretty thick dose of 'I will never be able to live in your area to let the kids go to the good school unless you pay for a place for me to live and a new car'. I refused, and yet she still managed to move down here and buy new tvs, furniture, clothes, jewelry, and other goodies, all of which we had sitting around doing nothing and readily available for her to use. She is not starving, and neither are the kids.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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I think this is where I left you previously and so I will take my leave again. Good Luck.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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labug just so I am clear on what bothers you...

My W has a higher net worth than I do right now.
My W probably earns about the same as I do right now.
100% of my W's income goes to W (ok, so she buys food for the kids 2 weeks a month)
80% of my income goes to W, kids, and debt service. Yea, I am guilty of spending about 20% on myself. Selfish of me to eat.
My W has perfect credit because I have made sure bills in her name have always been paid on time.
My credit is shot, my plane got repo'd a few weeks ago, I have hundreds of thousands in deficiencies and liens.
The debt in her name is less than 10% of the debt in my name.
She lives in her own place, while I chose to remain living at my dad's for the moment to save money (to make sure I could keep sending it to her).
She pays nothing towards childcare, schools, health, or clothing for the kids.
I pay 100% of it.

And now that I decide to stop paying the credit cards in her name, I am somehow the bad guy?

Just making sure I am clear on what irks you.....


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Why did you go against your lawyers' advice?
Why did you not negotiate fair payment of the debts?
What did you think you would gain by doing these things, and what is your motivation in changing them now?
Why haven't you taken care of your own needs?

None of this seems consistent with DB, neither the generosity nor the abrupt turn around.

I'm sorry I had lost track of your financial situation over the course of your thread and didn't understand the change you had proposed. But the circumstances you describe make no sense at all. Has Mr.Bond commented here before?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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I didn't call you a bad guy. I just don't understand your financial dealings around your W and what you're trying to accomplish. That's why I left before, none of it made sense to me.

I'm not irked at all.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
Why did you go against your lawyers' advice?


Because I am a nice guy and thought I was doing the right thing.

Quote:

Why did you not negotiate fair payment of the debts?


Negotiate with who? Her or the lenders?
Quote:

What did you think you would gain by doing these things, and what is your motivation in changing them now?


Less stress. Less frustration. Less negative feelings towards W.

Quote:

Why haven't you taken care of your own needs?

Because my family has always come first. Once their needs are covered, then I will worry about mine.

Quote:

None of this seems consistent with DB, neither the generosity nor the abrupt turn around.


You are probably right. But what I have been doing has not produced any positives. It has been cake eating at worse, prolonging the inevitable at best.

Quote:

I'm sorry I had lost track of your financial situation over the course of your thread and didn't understand the change you had proposed. But the circumstances you describe make no sense at all. Has Mr.Bond commented here before?


I hate to speak for MrBond without 100% certainty, but if my memory serves me, he advocated not paying as well. I hope if he reads this he will chime in. But I have posted similar in the past and it has been a split house here on the DB forum as to the course of action I should take. I get it how some people who are stay at home spouses might be defensive towards the approach I am looking at. This is not a punitive action where I am sitting in my waterfront mansion sipping 50 year old scotch laughing at my W who is near homeless on the street and my kids in rags. More like I am the homeless guy in rags while my W is living a life I wish I was.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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I went back and read my earlier posts to you and your responses, I'm even more confused but I do wish you good luck.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Originally Posted By: labug
I didn't call you a bad guy. I just don't understand your financial dealings around your W and what you're trying to accomplish. That's why I left before, none of it made sense to me.

I'm not irked at all.


My financial dealings are pretty simple these days. When I met my W and we married, I had a net worth in the millions. I now have a net worth in the red. I work 2 jobs now. I have cut out every single non essential expense in my life to ensure my kids and my wife still are insulated from my financial situation. I cannot file Chapt 7 bankruptcy like I had hoped because of a pending D. The lawyers tell me the bankruptcy court will just set it aside till the D is finalized because until then there is no way of knowing what my true liabilities will be.

My family (father, brother, etc) still have a very high net worth and will fund future ventures of mine. So being broke is not likely to be a long term scenario. However, they will NOT fund a dime while my D is pending for obvious reasons. I have taken up a night job to ensure I have the minimal cash I need to keep W and kids provided for. I have decided to swallow my pride at 40 years old and live with my father because it saves money that goes directly to things for my kids and W. My plane got repo'd a few weeks ago, and it was sold at auction and I still have a couple hundred thousand deficiency on it. I have IRS liens. I have collection agencies calling. My W has none of this. She owes none of this. She gets to take all the money she earns and spend it on fun stuff. She bought new tvs for her place when we have tvs sitting here from our old place she could have used. She is buying new jewelry, when she already has a box full of stuff from Tiffany. So my thought is if she has the money to spend on frivolous stuff, why am I over drafting my own account on purpose to give her what she is asking for? Maybe if she just said 'thanks' or 'ok, I got it" instead of 'I have a cc bill due today'...'Did you hear me? My cc bill is due by the end of the day. Can I use the same checking account I used last time?'


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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When last we spoke, I believe you were angry that she wanted the airplane to be included in the settlement. That was a personal not business asset, right? And now it's gone?

Are all those other encumbrances you mentioned personal or business?

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The airplane was a mix of personal and business. Business for tax reasons, personal for well, fun reasons. She loved the plane until the plane started taking money she wanted for other things. When I learned about how much she hated the plane, I tried to sell it at first. I tried to refinance it. I tried to lease it. I tried everything I could to do something with it to offset the cost. Finally, I decided to just stop paying for it. Problem was because the area I was in was declared a federal disaster area, I could not refinance, restructure the note, or do anything. The bank would not even take it for the longest time. Finally they did. Same thing with the boat I owned. When I learned it caused her unhappiness, I sold it instantly at a huge loss. And then gave her 100% of the proceeds. As much as I loved my boat, and as much as I loved my plane, I loved my W more. And her happiness was more important to me than any material possession.

Her L in the D petition decided to put a provision in saying that she was entitled to a complete refund on any marital funds which went towards paying for the airplane. She claims she did not know of, or understand that addition, and offered to amend it to have it removed. To me, it was just a lawyers who was probably just giving a text book reply to a W who said she wanted to D her husband who happened to own an expensive plane. I know it as a pipe dream at best but in a D petition ask for everything in the world, even if you know you most likely will never get it.

Last edited by pilot; 10/01/14 04:45 AM.

Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Pilot, your waw seems to have had it pretty well. I hate to say anything negative, but is she a spoiled brat? I know that you still want to take care of her. I am struggling with this in my sitch on the go forward as well. But the reality is that I am getting fired by my waw. I am not firing her. Pilot, you are a good person and have no reason to feel any remorse if you cut off your waw from her la la land. Just my opinion. A good dose of reality may not bring her back and it wold be all in the presentation of how you tell her. Let her see how difficult it is to support her life style on her own for a while.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Pilot, I don't know what works but I can tell you what doesn't is all this coom bye ya bs.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Pilot,

If giving her everything she wants did not work in the marriage do you think it will work to get her back? I would suggest that you end her a letter or such and explain that you no long have the funds to fund her extravagant life style. Tell her from this day forward she will be responsible for all expenses she incurs including credit card purchase. That you will provide what the law has determined in child support as required.

I understand how you probably feel about this. I feel the same way. It is hard to cut them off and make them see reality.


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When I wrote my original response I didn't understand your financial situation and I wouldn't have said what I said if I had. I'm a SAHM so I'm sensitive to financial vulnerability but I've never had so much as one Tiffany box because I'm rational and would not want jewelry at the expense of my family's well-being.

What you were doing by paying for all that was not making sure your family's NEEDS were being met. Nobody needs Tiffany. There were other motives going on there. What does it say about your opinion of your wife if you thought buying her affection was an effective or desirable thing to do? It doesn't sound like she's been a partner in your financial goals.

You've gotten all the good advice you need already so I'm not going to add more, but I really think you should re-examine the thinking that got you to this place and what kind of relationship you would like to build wih your partner (whoever she may be) in the future.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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How are you splitting time with the children? If you have them half the time and her income is the same as yours, you should not pay her a dime. In fact, she should be paying you for her health ins and half of the kids health ins.

In my sitch our income is almost the same. We split time with the kids 50-50. She pays for helath ins (her employer has a better plan) and school lunches. I reimburse her for half of both. Since she has always been the "shopper" in the family I also give her half of what the boys clothing cost is. That's it. Period.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
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Pilot, you must be taking a break from DB site. Hopefully you are recharging your batteries. I tell you one thing there is nothing wrong with you spoiling your wife during M. She is thinking about a lot of different things right now. No question about it. WAW s in alot of pain no matter there out ward appearance. I look at Starsky and Mr Bond s stories and patience and time are so critical. It's hard and who knows if we can turn the boat around. Time will tell!


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Igit, yea, more or less taking a break. I still peek at the forum, but in all honesty I am probably taking a break from DBing itself. I just cant seem to find a reason right now to put any effort into W. I think I have justified it long enough thinking it would be best for the kids. But the reality is the kids have already been through a lot and continue to not understand. Not much I can do to fix that for them other than do the best I can given the circumstances.

I have basically been as NC with W as possible with the only exception being the kids. My GAL is still going strong and i am pretty content right now.

Anyways, I continue to wish all my DB friends here the best. I will keep checking in for now and post if anything really exciting happens.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
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Pilot, I understand completely! When it rains it pours! You have the rt attitude and made the effort! There really comes a point where you understand that you cant put your destiny in someone else's hands! You seem to be at peace with yourself and that is a big step! Wish you well Pilot!
Igit


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Just an update. Nothing new has really happened. My W and I still do not speak socially when we see each other. My choice, as she seems to have softened up a bit. Our contact is limited to kid stuff only.

I hope the rest of my DB friends are doing well. Sorry I have not been posting on your pages. Have not spent much time at all here lately. Good luck to everyone!!!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Pilot, good to hear from you. Sounds like a good plan for now. Give up the pursuit and act like you don't care about her. I have been avoiding my wife and focusing on work and kids. She seems somewhat nicer but honestly I can't say I like her anymore. So selfish and self centered I don't want to be around her.


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Hey pilot! Just checking in to see if you are still alive and kickin? Hope things are going well for you out there in WAW land!
Hugs, Lisa

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Hey guys. Thanks for checking in Lisa. I hope everyone is doing well with their DBing!

When I last posted in early October, I felt I needed to take a break and assess where I was and what I really wanted. It is hard to do that when you are absorbed in a DB forum. After much thought and reflection, I decided it was truly time to move on. I stopped any DB style interaction and basically shut her out except for things kid related. I was always pleasant, but never spoke with her when we saw each other. No hellos, no goodbyes. Heck I really did not even look at her.

I had a built in time period before any action could be initiated on my part in our new state regarding a D. She never did serve me in our old state. Monday following Thanksgiving was the first day I could file. I had an attorney draft up divorce papers. On Monday I decided to send her a text letting her know I had papers ready to file but if she wanted to sit down and discuss working together on a mutual agreement, I would be willing to listen. We agreed to meet that night. We met at a shopping area around dinner time. My dad took the kids and she and i went to a nice restaurant to grab a bite. We actually spoke casually, smiled, and for the next hour and a half it was like two happily married people. Then my dad called and said the kids were restless. So...we looked at eachother and as usual, she wanted me to start. So I told her what I was filing for and what I was claiming, as well as that I was seeking full custody of the kids. This seemed to have caught her off guard. She asked what would be involved in working something out outside of a courtroom. I said it would be as simple as doing what we are doing now. Sit down together and see what we could agree on. She wanted to know when I planned to file and I said that depends. If I hear from you before lunch tomorrow about working something out, then I will wait. If not, then I will file tomorrow. She said she would.

The next day around 2pm I had not heard from her so I sent her a text stating I had thought she was going to contact me. She said she needed more time. I said it has been 6 months. She again said she needed more time. I said I do not mean to be rude, but time for what? All we were supposed to decide on was to actually sit down and discuss what we could and could not agree on. She said she did not mean to be rude but needed more time. Then her communication stopped. I waited 30 minutes, and had the papers filed.

She has actually been sending me more friendly style text messages the week or so prior to this meeting. Those started around the day before Thanksgiving when coincidently? a girl who I had been hanging out with tagged us in Key West on facebook. Of course we were not actually in Key West...and the prior weekend we had tagged eachother in Las Vegas. Sort of a joke between us about wanting to be in fun places. My W was still blocked on FB so it was not done for her benefit. In any event, she has been more frequent in her texting and very liberal with her use of smiley faces and 'lol's.

A few days ago...Saturday, I had contacted her parents and told them I would like to sit down and talk with them. They said they were free that evening. So I drove the 4 hours, and met them at their house. We watched the last hour of the football game which was on and had friendly and pleasant conversations. Then I took them to dinner and after we ordered, got to why I was there. I told them that 8 years ago I snuck away from my house to come see them to ask their permission to marry their daughter, and that I promised them I would always love her and always be there for her. Now I felt I owed it to them to come up and stand before them and let them know I could no longer keep that promise and that I had filed for divorce. They said they understood. They recognized the efforts I had made and said they appreciated that. They also recognized their daughter has done nothing to try and work on the marriage or even discuss the divorce she had filed for in our previous state. They said the limbo she had me in was unfair. They said they were still holding out hope we will work things out and will until the papers are signed. We spoke more, and it was a good conversation. I felt I did the right thing. I told them I had not let their daughter know I had filed, but they were free to tell her about my visit and filing.

I am still getting the friendly texting FWIW. Perhaps she does not know... Not really relevant anyways. I am at peace with my decision. She will likely get served by the end of the week or early/mid next week.

Anyways, just an update for those who were kind enough to follow and offer support!! I hope everyone else is having more success than I did smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Thanks for the update Pilot, I wish it was better news but if you are at peace with your decision. I support your efforts


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
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Pilot it sounds like you are at peace with your decision. I believe you know when you have had enough of this crazyness. I am wondering what will be going on in your waw's mind when she gets the papers. My guess is she will in a panic! She has been in control and she no longer will be. I know you have two great boys that you will do a great job raising. She has done some serious damage and may not know how to make sense of what she has done to them, you, and mostly herself. I would not be surprised if she does a 180. You know you always want what you can't have. I hope if you still have some love for her deep down you would keep a little window open for her to come back. I know it would be extremely difficult for both of you, but it might be the best for you and your family. Take care buddy


M 54
W 48
T 19
M 17
D 12
Twin S 6
Twin S 6
Ilybnilwy 1/26/14
A discovered 2/3/14
D filed 7/25/14
Sumons served 8/14/14

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Hi pilot, sorry to hear that things with your W have not been improving but it sounds like you are in a good strong place. We have missed you on the boards and I have missed your funny and excellent advice on my situation for sure!

I agree with igit, probably your W will react with something interesting now that you have filed. Be ready for some drama.

I hope that you can turn things around at this 11th hour if that is for the best. It sounds like maybe she still has some growing up to do.

Sending you good thoughts!

Hugs, Lisa

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Thanks Lisa. yea, she prob does have some growing up to do. I replied to a text from her father and asked how she reacted to being told I filed. The question was more intended to find out if they had even told her...because I really had no idea and her friendliness was kinda different. FIL said that MIL told W that evening after I left. He had tried to talk to her about the situation the following morning, but she did not want to talk about it. Haha...what a surprise. Even today she sends random texts during the day which leave openings to converse. I actually have been more responsive in the past couple of days. Mostly because I just want her to sit down and work out a settlement. I figure if I answer she will feel more comfortable.

Anyways, I will see her again on Friday at a school function for my 5 year old. They have a Christmas program and they are supposed to wear their pajamas to school. Parents can also attend and wear their pajamas if they want. So I went and got him a new ninja turtle one piece footy. Then I got myself a matching 1 piece ninja turtle footy pajama too. Haha. She has been making comments this past week the couple of times I saw her regarding my appearance. She noticed I am wearing "skinny" jeans when I have always been a 501 kinda guy. She noticed the style of shirt as being something new for me and commented so while feeling it. Even my shoes she said looked really nice and she never would have thought I would wear some like that. I then asked her if she is sure she is dropping the kids off with the right guy. She laughed.

Hah...WAWs....

Anyways Lisa, sorry I have missed out on your sitch. On the upside, next time you want to know what Pilot would say...just do what is most likely wrong smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Posts: 681
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haha Pilot! What I want to know is this: where the hell can you find a man sized one piece Ninja turtle pajama with feet!!??? Awesome.

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Originally Posted By: LisaB
haha Pilot! What I want to know is this: where the hell can you find a man sized one piece Ninja turtle pajama with feet!!??? Awesome.


If I could I would post pictures from today. Haha, all the moms were loving it. They were all saying how their husbands were too boring to do it and I win dad of the year for doing this with my kiddo. Oh, W just happened to be right there at the time listening to it all. cool


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
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Love it! And can I just add that I think it was very good of you, Pilot, to meet with WAW's parents like that and bring some closure to them. This has been an ordeal for my parents and MIL. I hope they get some closure, too.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
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FYI update. I told you all W has been sending friendly 'conversation opening' texts. I have actually been more receptive to them now that I have filed. Lately she sends me a daily 'flashback' photo of the kiddos from when they were newborns/very very young.

I may actually offer an olive branch because of the holidays. Her father turns 60 on the 23rd. They live 4 hours away, and I have the kiddos that week. I spoke to her aunt to find out if there was a family party and she said yes, but it is this Friday. Well, I know W is not taking the kids on Friday. So I had thought about talking to her mom to set up a surprise where I would bring the kids to see her dad on his bday. Family is still very important to my inlaws and I know it would mean a lot to him. Not committed to doing this, but it occurred to me that I should probably at the very least let W know about it and offer to let her come along.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
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Things are looking pretty interesting in your corner, Pilot!

As I said earlier, I think you handled the inlaws with grace. Everyone is different of course but one of the things I always found attractive about my H was how he treated by parents (kind, respectful). So I like your idea of taking the kids out to see grandpa for his b'day. Shows you are committed to family, too. Agreed it would be a good idea to tell W. It seems you are on pretty friendly terms right now so shouldn't be an issue, right?


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
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Another update. Still proceeding with divorce. Although she continues to drag her feet. She is almost 2 months late turning in her discovery answers. We had a trial date set for a week ago, so obviously we missed it. Odds are we would not have made it anyways. She did get served on Dec. 17...the day after my last update.

I did find out something which blew my mind. I am hesitant to post it online though on the off chance she has found this site. Ill post about it at a future date though for sure. But for now lets just say 100% confirmation on A.

Her demeanor is as pleasant as it has been since oh December or so. She is all smiles and initiates conversations freely at events we attend together (usually kid/school things). She sends random friendly text and sometimes sends 'reminiscent' texts...usually at night. In fairness I do reply to her texts and have on occasion sent non kid related texts, such as maybe a hot donut I just got from Krispy Kreme.

On my personal level, I really have reached that level of emotional detachment where I am ok with life as it is. I am looking forward to my future. I do wish she would not drag her feet on the D as it does cause inconveniences in moving forward.

Not sure what else to say right now so I will leave it at this and go search out my old DB buddy stories and see how everyone else is doing these days.

Best wishes to all!!!

I hope all my old DB buddies are doing well. I have not been on this site since my last update in December. Not that I gave up caring about you guys, but when you drop the rope and you are truly done, part of it is dropping here.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
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Thanks for the update, Pilot! Sounds like you are in a good place which ever way this goes. Good for you. I'm in less of a good place right now but know my time will come eventually.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
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Good to hear from you Pilot. I mentioned your name just the other day in a post.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
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Originally Posted By: Old Dog
Good to hear from you Pilot. I mentioned your name just the other day in a post.


haha, I hope it was not too bad!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
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Of course not. :-)

Thornton just turned up to check in and then I wondered where you were.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
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Originally Posted By: pilot
Originally Posted By: Old Dog
Good to hear from you Pilot. I mentioned your name just the other day in a post.


haha, I hope it was not too bad!

I am very late to this party but
I just thought I would say hi again,
just because you may not realize that
I changed my name here on DB.

Follow this link and it will have what my name used to be.
And you might like the title too!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1953468#Post1953468

I used to fly C-141's in the Air Force and that is why I used a lot of references!


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Ever get that feeling your are getting DB'd? If I took an honest look at W actions these past 4-5 months since I filed D they look like they are out of the DB playbook. Of course there can also be a million other explanations. Odds are pretty slim she has read the book...and hopefully not this forum smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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Originally Posted By: Cadet

I am very late to this party but
I just thought I would say hi again,
just because you may not realize that
I changed my name here on DB.

Follow this link and it will have what my name used to be.
And you might like the title too!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1953468#Post1953468

I used to fly C-141's in the Air Force and that is why I used a lot of references!


I think I have always known you as Cadet. I owned a flew a Cirrus (up until this summer). I do like your ILS analogies. Especially as a Cirrus pilot since everything was automated and all I did was push buttons and take a nap until the wheels were ready to hit the ground wink


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
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Originally Posted By: pilot
Ever get that feeling your are getting DB'd? If I took an honest look at W actions these past 4-5 months since I filed D they look like they are out of the DB playbook. Of course there can also be a million other explanations. Odds are pretty slim she has read the book...and hopefully not this forum smile

Yes. My H has been particularly strong in the NC department.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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I have to say while my D progresses, my W has been nicer than ever. Even though I am the one who pushed the D. One day I will come back and share some things which really gave me a unique insight into her mindset during all of this. But for now, legal gets in the way...you never know who is reading these things smile

I can say that other than her initial filing last May, almost a year ago, she has never done anything to push the D, other than say she thinks its still the best idea. She has never come clean about her affair, but also has no idea the depths of what I have found out (100% conclusive btw). Given the nature of it, I am sure she probably never wants it to get out. Oh well...not my problem.

I am still comfortable with the D moving forward. Do I sometimes think about R? Sure, I guess we all do. And honestly, if I had to put money on a bet, I would say once she realizes I know everything, but am still ok and not taking it out on her, she may even make an overture towards R. Something in my gut says she is open to it but afraid I am too far gone, or me knowing the truth would be something I would never get over. Its a shame, because in the real world, all that matters is trust and honesty. Had she come out and told me everything when it first happened, yea, I probably would have flipped out. Had I found out after a few months of DB, I probably would have handled it much much better.

I hate to be vague, and really will share everything at some point in the future. I think there are insights many people would enjoy and benefit from.

Anyways, thats my update.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Dec 2014
Posts: 1,686
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Originally Posted By: pilot
I am still comfortable with the D moving forward. Do I sometimes think about R? Sure, I guess we all do. And honestly, if I had to put money on a bet, I would say once she realizes I know everything, but am still ok and not taking it out on her, she may even make an overture towards R. Something in my gut says she is open to it but afraid I am too far gone, or me knowing the truth would be something I would never get over. Its a shame, because in the real world, all that matters is trust and honesty. Had she come out and told me everything when it first happened, yea, I probably would have flipped out. Had I found out after a few months of DB, I probably would have handled it much much better.
Hey Pilot,

I feel you have a good attitude about a very rough situation. Had you found out after a few months of DB, you may have handled it much better. But try not to dwell on that. When I look back, I make myself "nuts" and feel like I am moving backward. So, try not to be too hard on yourself, okay?

We're all here for you!

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
M:14 yrs
T:15 yrs
No children together--3 each from previous marriages
Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14
Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14
Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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pilot Offline OP
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Thanks Bob. I knew about her having an A back a couple months before I came across DB. That is when I really blew things as all LBS do. The first BD back in Sept. of 2013 I actually handled myself relatively well. I say relatively because there was still the hovering, and pursuing. But not nearly as bad as the following April when I first learned of the A. Although later I find out she lied about the few things she did confess about the A. It was always right there for me to "follow up on" or "discover" but what I learned from DB was that it was enough to know there was OM and an A. The details at that time would serve me no good towards my goal of R. Only after I filed for D in our new state (an at fault state) and we got a judge where 99% of her cases she gave out physical/visitation custody did I go searching for the details in building my case. According to my L it is looking very strong I will end up with custody and she will be an 'every other weekend' parent. I am sure that was not part of her equation. Which makes any R very difficult after the fact because then how do you really know what her motives are? Repairing the M or getting the kids?

Either way, life goes on and I am happy each day I wake up. smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Originally Posted By: pilot
Which makes any R very difficult after the fact because then how do you really know what her motives are? Repairing the M or getting the kids?

Either way, life goes on and I am happy each day I wake up. smile


I think it was MWD herself that asked "who says it has to be one or the other? Why can't it be a package deal?"

Now stop feeling so good about your life! wink


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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pilot Offline OP
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True Zues, and I recognize hypothetically it could be a mixture of the two. I was referring from a LBS standpoint of trust in motives. Been stalking your threads. You have definitely come a long way from this summer when you and I first got here. I am proud of you smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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You too pilot. Our posts never crossed as frequently but I've followed yours as well.

I miss some of the other posters. Haven't seen SS for a while with her Chrysalis. Or Goatgal. Or so many others.

I've been rereading my old posts and then looking at what they were saying and where they were at in terms of months since BD when they wrote it. It's pretty cool to realize they don't stay dark forever.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
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Ss appears to have left the forums but uR said she made contact IRL and said she is doing well (though most likely not R based on where things were when she left). Not sure about Goatgirl.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
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Originally Posted By: gan
Ss appears to have left the forums but uR said she made contact IRL and said she is doing well (though most likely not R based on where things were when she left). Not sure about Goatgirl.

Sometimes people need a break from the forum


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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pilot Offline OP
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^^^^^^


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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