Dealing with WAW part 7

[SunnyB]

Like what your W has done or not, you are under certain moral and legal obligations to provide for your family. If you want to pull the rug out from under her in a way that keeps the road home paved, then I suggest you talk to a lawyer, find out what your legal requirement WRT support are, and then make a contract with your wife that puts that into effect.

Then, she can't ask you for financial help because she's getting what she's entitled to. She can ask you for other kinds of help, but as part of your distancing you can politely decline. But your a$$ is covered and she won't have recourse to the law that would force her to do more than you are willing to do.

Thank you for saying this Maybell. It has bothered me for a while that some LBH are so willing to pull out all financial support from their WAW, even when there are children involved. (Pilot, please don't take that personally, it's not about you. It's just a feeling I've had for a while and I happen to be posting it on your thread. Please don't take offense.) No matter what she's doing at the moment, you both had a hand in creating marital assets, and she probably played a role in whatever job you have been able to work your way into now. Echoing Maybell, that gives even a LBS a moral obligation, imo.

Legally, in my state, it makes no difference whether I am left behind or walk away. The financial division is the same. I totally agree that talking to a L and finding out what your legal obligations would be is a good step to figuring this out. You don't have to fund a new lifestyle, but you don't have to cause her unnecessary financial stress either.

[labug]

Amen and amen!

[LisaB]

Hi ladies and gents, I could be wrong but I don't think pilot is saying he won't take care of his family or his obligations but that he won't keep paying all her bills, as in her personal credit card or whatever things she wants just to entertain herself. I'm not a lawyer and I don't know the laws in that state but I don't think one spouse has to pay all bills of the other? Just enough to cover kid stuff and living expenses right?

Personally it would irk me very much if my spouse was living it up and I had to pay for it! I wouldn't! My WAH is indeed living it up but our finances are separate. I wouldn't expect he would pay for my waxing appointment or my bar tab and I wouldn't want to pay for his new shoes or dinner dates with OW.

I think that is what you are saying, right pilot?

But it would probably benefit you pilot to make a support agreement with her so that you know what you have to pay and she understands what she will be getting. Like Maybell said then things are clear and you know you are doing what is required under the law, and have something to point to when she comes asking for extras. And perhaps it will be a shock to her to have to budget.

Hugs, Lisa

[Maybell]

Lisa, if Mrs. Pilot is entitled to spousal support under the law then it doesn't matter WHAT she spends it on -- she's entitled to the support even if she does spend it on a waxing appointment or a bar tab or whatever.

What I read in his post was him just cutting her off. If he yanks the rug out from under her the way I read it, then she will turn to the law. Guaranteed. I don't know if she's actually entitled to anything given the term of their marriage and that I don't know what she does for work, and possibly she's entitled to at least some amount of child support.

Given that he's feeling unhappy with the way finances are being dealt with between them (as I think is reasonable under the circumstances), it would be better for both of them and for his DBing if he regularized exactly what amounts he gives her. Her treating him like a piggy bank isn't good for her respect for him, and isn't good for his goodwill towards her either. Lose-lose.

Once you've got a regular system in place then SOP should be NO EXTRAS, NO EXCEPTIONS.

[pilot]

Hey guys...thanks for the replies. Lisa is on par. I have never and will never deny my kids anything they need...regardless of where they are staying at the time. I currently pay for 100% of the kids' needs. Clothes, schools, health insurance. I pay for storage cost for all of our property still being stored in 2 locations in our old state. I pay all medical for the kids, as well as recently added W to my own insurance. The only thing W pays for in regards to the kids is food for them when they are with her.

In our old state, the threshold for her being entitled to alimony was 7 years of marriage. We were married 6 years and 2 months when she filed. It was also a no fault state. Odds are, had we ended up in court, it was possible a judge could have ruled for rehabilitative alimony due to the nearness to the 7 year threshold. In our new state, the threshold is 10 years. It is NOT a no fault state. Affairs are factored in when determining alimony. My new state attorneys tell me that due to the fact we are over 3 years away from the threshold AND she had an affair, there is pretty much no chance she will get a dime in alimony. Child support has to be paid by both parents. Both new and old state has a formula based on income and each parent is expected to throw a % of that into the child support pot. Whatever that is, it is.

The reality is my W is currently living a better lifestyle than I am. The money I send her I agreed to prior to our S. Then she filed D. I backed off of it for half a month. Then out of guilt, sense of obligation, fear of burning bridges, or whatever, I began to pay. Lawyers in both states advised me against it. New state lawyer wishes I would quit paying anything right away. In a sense, this has become a cheese less tunnel. She is quick to ask, and never around to acknowledge or thank. I have overdrawn my own account on purpose to make sure she got what she asked for when she asked for it. It is her smug sense of entitlement which I guess has irked me long enough. As I said, I do not agree with what she is doing, so why voluntarily fund it? Maybe she will rush to a legal remedy. Maybe she will be just fine. I got a pretty thick dose of 'I will never be able to live in your area to let the kids go to the good school unless you pay for a place for me to live and a new car'. I refused, and yet she still managed to move down here and buy new tvs, furniture, clothes, jewelry, and other goodies, all of which we had sitting around doing nothing and readily available for her to use. She is not starving, and neither are the kids.

[labug]

I think this is where I left you previously and so I will take my leave again. Good Luck.

[pilot]

labug just so I am clear on what bothers you...

My W has a higher net worth than I do right now.
My W probably earns about the same as I do right now.
100% of my W's income goes to W (ok, so she buys food for the kids 2 weeks a month)
80% of my income goes to W, kids, and debt service. Yea, I am guilty of spending about 20% on myself. Selfish of me to eat.
My W has perfect credit because I have made sure bills in her name have always been paid on time.
My credit is shot, my plane got repo'd a few weeks ago, I have hundreds of thousands in deficiencies and liens.
The debt in her name is less than 10% of the debt in my name.
She lives in her own place, while I chose to remain living at my dad's for the moment to save money (to make sure I could keep sending it to her).
She pays nothing towards childcare, schools, health, or clothing for the kids.
I pay 100% of it.

And now that I decide to stop paying the credit cards in her name, I am somehow the bad guy?

Just making sure I am clear on what irks you.....

[Maybell]

Why did you go against your lawyers' advice?
Why did you not negotiate fair payment of the debts?
What did you think you would gain by doing these things, and what is your motivation in changing them now?
Why haven't you taken care of your own needs?

None of this seems consistent with DB, neither the generosity nor the abrupt turn around.

I'm sorry I had lost track of your financial situation over the course of your thread and didn't understand the change you had proposed. But the circumstances you describe make no sense at all. Has Mr.Bond commented here before?

[labug]

I didn't call you a bad guy. I just don't understand your financial dealings around your W and what you're trying to accomplish. That's why I left before, none of it made sense to me.

I'm not irked at all.

[pilot]

Why did you go against your lawyers' advice?

Because I am a nice guy and thought I was doing the right thing.

Why did you not negotiate fair payment of the debts?

Negotiate with who? Her or the lenders?

What did you think you would gain by doing these things, and what is your motivation in changing them now?

Less stress. Less frustration. Less negative feelings towards W.

Why haven't you taken care of your own needs?

Because my family has always come first. Once their needs are covered, then I will worry about mine.

None of this seems consistent with DB, neither the generosity nor the abrupt turn around.

You are probably right. But what I have been doing has not produced any positives. It has been cake eating at worse, prolonging the inevitable at best.

I'm sorry I had lost track of your financial situation over the course of your thread and didn't understand the change you had proposed. But the circumstances you describe make no sense at all. Has Mr.Bond commented here before?

I hate to speak for MrBond without 100% certainty, but if my memory serves me, he advocated not paying as well. I hope if he reads this he will chime in. But I have posted similar in the past and it has been a split house here on the DB forum as to the course of action I should take. I get it how some people who are stay at home spouses might be defensive towards the approach I am looking at. This is not a punitive action where I am sitting in my waterfront mansion sipping 50 year old scotch laughing at my W who is near homeless on the street and my kids in rags. More like I am the homeless guy in rags while my W is living a life I wish I was.