The Waiting One (and tired of it)

[Atsbaby]

Back to our “talk.” Clark admitted that he didn’t care anymore, but he doesn’t think he actually didn’t love me. He felt that if I didn’t care, why should he? So he pushed and pushed until I made the comment that I was unhappy. He took that as his out. He refused to work on us and felt that divorce was the only option.

He has made comments of things we need to work on, but strange enough, these are the EXACT same things I said 6 months ago. Amazing at how the brain works. He obviously heard what I said, but didn’t feel the need to react to it until now!

I did bring up MC. He’s still very against it. It could just be where he still is. I won’t push it for now, but we really need to go. Which caused me to go to OW conversation. I shouldn’t have, but I needed to. I put down the boundary. He agreed. Clark did say that if she was in the picture, he couldn’t focus on us…WHAT? I think a few pieces are clicking, but not all the way. I mentioned him “dating” her while we are married. “She’s just a friend. She is the girl version of buddy. It was someone to do something with.” Clark, please look up the definition of dating! I began to debate him, but stopped myself. What’s the point? Why “date” your wife when you can “hang out” with another woman who probably has more baggage than I do?

I did find out OW has a 3S. Really? You want to hang with her and her S, but forget about your own kids!! I know I’ll never understand the logic, but hello? Ok, moving on. It means nothing. Which I did bring up to him about her “love note.” His response, “I can’t control how others feel about me.” True, but you lead her on! I’m done. It’s out of my system. No more OW talk!!

Clark is trying to connect. I do see it, but this is where I really need to re-read DR from a new set of eyes. I need to read the infidelity chapter. I do believe him when he says that he hasn’t slept with her. As for making out, nope. I asked about the emotional connection and he said it was different. It wasn’t anything to him…good. Let’s keep it that way.

We also talked about him keeping his phone locked. He said he felt this was his only privacy because we share everything else. I told him that trust was gone and that I really do want to trust him, but can’t. The next morning, Clark was joking with me about getting up early and going through his phone. I came back with I can’t because it’s locked. He shut up quickly, but a few minutes later stated that as we slowly move forward, that will change. Get them out of your system, yes them. I’m sure there is another woman, but again this is just another “friendship.” I feel that this door may be close to closing…the OW, because he does want to try (OK, really, I’m done. They’ve taken more of my time than they need). Other aspects of replay are still present…like spending money, but things are changing in a good way. I just need to be patient and let the process happen.

[CaliGuy]

All positives, you are moving forward and seem to be able to achieve things I struggle with .. making progress without pushing them to far and hard .... I have yet to get to the R talk in about 3 weeks, but when I do I may steal this page out of your playbook.

[Mighty]

What the heck, Ats?! I posted to you yesterday, and it is gone. This was after the boards were up and running. Probably something I did. I just realized it. Hmph.

Anyway... thinking of you. Lots going on, huh? That's cool, Ats. Sorry, but I got nothing for ya. You are way past me...

I am thinking of you, though and cheering you on!! Wooo hooo, Ats!

[Atsbaby]

Thanks CaliGuy and Mighty!

Even though Clark is home now, it's still very surreal. He continues to frustrate me, but that's my fault for letting those couple expectations creep in. Clark wants to move slow, but I feel like the speed is at a faster pace than I can handle. I haven't GALed in a while, and it's weighing on me. I don't feel like I've got MY space anymore.

Even just finding time to catch up on the boards is difficult ( I do have a lot of school projects due in the up coming week, which is sucking all my free time away!).

One positive, Clark actually is taking care of his pets. This only started last night, but hey, I'll take it

I do have a question. How do I start setting boundaries that never existed before, but really should have? I don't want him to feel like I'm pushing him away, but the trust is gone and I have to find ways to protect what we can salvage in our R. For example, Lord knows I hate social media, I would like to set a boundary on this. Full access because I feel this is where he is hiding R with OW. And it would go both ways...of course I have nothing to hide! I was looking this morning (I love to be tortured...lol) and noticed a list of about 20 women that I don't know. That's not ok. I'm his wife, I should at least know who these people are. I know all the men, why can't I know the women?

Any advice would be great!!

[Nitty]

Even though Clark is home now, it's still very surreal. He continues to frustrate me, but that's my fault for letting those couple expectations creep in. Clark wants to move slow, but I feel like the speed is at a faster pace than I can handle. I haven't GALed in a while, and it's weighing on me. I don't feel like I've got MY space anymore.

I'm in a similar situation... I want to continue GALing, don't want to lose what I've gained since Mr. Gritty left. He's not moved back in yet, I don't think will face that for a while but he wants to spend more time together and that cuts into the life I've created since he left. A good problem to have, but still.

This post has been extremely helpful to me about setting the boundaries you describe:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1933214#Post1933214

[Atsbaby]

Thank you Nitty. I remember reading that post before. Thanks for reminding me!

So things are still going fast. Clark "assumed" I was going to the local football game with him Saturday. He texted "have you said anything to your parents about watching the kids?" Sure id like to go Clark, but I have a chit load of homework due. Oh well. I'm actually going for me, since these are the tickets I WANTED...stupid @$$.

Clark told me he loved me the other night when he hung up the phone. Actually surprised me

Sadly though, this morning I went to the basement (where Clark sleeps every other night) to make sure he was up...which he wasn't. He uses his phone as the alarm, and guess what was on there when I walked in....that's right folks, OW. He had been texting her last night. I did confront and set my boundary..."I can not live in an open marriage." He apologized and said he was trying to end the relationship. I know it's a process. Did I tell you I HATE PROCESSES!

Any who, Clark ordered a new wedding ring for himself the other night and showed me this morning that he had "always & forever" engraved in it. Luckily this was prior to me walking downstairs on his convo. I think he really does want to try.

Back to one day at a time thinking.
I can only control myself. I can only control myself. I can only control myself.
I got this!

[daring]

I'm so happy for you! Reading your sitch is giving me some hope- which I definitely need right now as I've been in an anger phase.

Have a great time at the game and good for you for setting the boundary- sounds like he responded appropriately.

[Atsbaby]

Son of a 81tch! I just flew backwards about 3 weeks!

I knew what my mouth was saying and yet I couldn't stop! Clark is very much still in MLC. I really need to remember this. I have let my emotions get the best of me. I need to pull way back again.

We got into a huge fight. Haven't fought like this in months, I mean so stinkin mad that I left the house. Thank goodness I did cause Clark was ready to pack up and leave again...I stopped him by leaving first. The only good thing that happened!

He said he was sleeping in the basement tonight...taking it slow. I pushed, I'm confused cause every other night he is with me in our bed. So I ask. And I have no idea how, but we ended up on OW. I set my boundary again. So even though he says he will end the relationship, he still has feelings for her. I called her a garden tool, and man, the fire in his eyes! Why can't you defend me like that @$$hat!

Anyways, when I returned home, I validated and kept my mouth shut. I think we may be going into withdrawal. He wants more space, I'm too clingy (I have continued to db, but apparently we've done too much together lately). Lots more spewing and my fault cr@p. Continued to validate. He did take responsibility for some things, but I'm sure it's all talk.

He supposedly called atty yesterday to drop the D petition, but he's now having second thoughts, thanks to our fight. I'm going to give space and pull back again. I need to continue to change. He is liking some of the changes I've made, but I haven't been keeping up with them because of school and kids practices. I've gotta find a way to get back to them.

I really need to invest in a punching bag!!!

[Shining]

Ok, I'm REALLY good at beating myself up, too.... But, it's not serving either one of us well.

Be kind to yourself. It may be a backslide, but you can always get back on track.

I sometimes re-read posts I read when I first came here. Different things will jump out or sink in at differently, depending on where I'm at on any given day.

So, I read the stickied post by seminolewind again, and I thought I would share some of it with you...

I have to laugh some days because I really don’t think you could make this stuff up if you tried. I also know that when you think you are seeing a sign that the train wreck is almost over, you need a good kick in the pants to remind you that it’s not over, until they show you without a doubt in your mind it’s over. Actions are louder than words.

I find myself getting sucked in easily when he's giving me attention. It's nearly impossible for me to resist him. But, I have to remember that this is not going to end overnight. I have a loooooooonnnnnggggg way to go. So does he.

This is where the infamous patience shovel comes in handy. Got one yet?

[Atsbaby]

I think I dropped my shovel somewhere...I need to go find it!

So after continuously beating myself up ALL day today (actually took the day off, mostly cause I never finished my mountain of homework), I finally found some peace after my class. I called Clark to see if they wanted dinner. I ate with classmates, which I think is what helped lift me up. Clark was ugly on the phone. I remained positive and up beat...not going down buddy.

I got home, took the dog for a walk, did laundry, cleaned some dishes and started to complete some unfinished homework. That didn't last long...I'm glad class is officially over. Once I get this last assignment in, I get a nice week off!

It was nice to GAL. I miss it. I told Clark goodnight and asked if I could give him a kiss goodnight and the nasty man said no. After about 30 minutes, he finally came in to talk with me. We are making progress. We still had a setback, but I validated his comments and did agree to some of the accusations.

Clark said something about contacting the atty and not wanting to start over, and "I threw in his face" that I was letting my atty know we've been physical up until Monday. This was after I'd left and returned last night.

I really need to keep my mouth shut. Clark placed a boundary of no physical contact. No kissing or anything. I'll give him his space, but I won't let him leave again.i need to be the lighthouse. I will continue to pave this path for him. I have more to work on. I need to keep the stuff I've changed and add to his growing list. Overall though, this is stuff that I knew needed to be changed.

This piecing thing is going to be hard. We're not quite there yet, but yikes!!!