OK, apparently in the DB website update my new thread got deleted.
Restarting it.... This statement resonates with me right now- I can be the lighthouse but I'm not jumping into the water to drag him back to shore. I'm standing and strong, but her has to make the journey himself to get to me.
High school sweethearts, married 20 years Since about 2010 knew " something wasn't right" with H. Became moody and very different personality. Started buying lots of motorized toys, having an EA with our friend/neighbor. In late 2012 told me he wasn't sure our marriage was going to work- said he was " deprioritized" and I wasn't meeting his needs. I do have a very demanding job and was building a new practice during all this so I tried to change as much as I could and work on things that I knew were issues ( including a somewhat SSM for years). Nothing I did seemed to be enough. Then in Sept 2013 he told me he was seeking out a divorce. I was shocked. Despite all our issues- I didn't expect him to do that. Found DB/DR 3 days later and realized this is MLC. He moved out Oct 1 and filed Oct 10. Hasn't done anything more with it but who knows. Moved back in Jan 17 because he was suicidal. Got on AD, going to IC but still not sure about relationship. Moved back out early May saying he just felt he needed to move forward with the divorce in order to get through everything. Hasn't moved forward on that yet, and I am just trying to drop the rope and Gal. We have a good friendship right now and are good coparents. I see baby steps, but recent events have opened my eyes this is going to be a very long journey and I'm not reading every positive as a sign he's coming back. Slowly getting myself off the roller coaster.
So as I said when I started this thread before- the last few sentences above are as true today as they were when I started my last thread. Every so often a big event happens to remind me this is a marathon......
And thanks to the 3 of you who commented before my thread disappeared- I'm glad you liked the title!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
be the guiding light, the strong light cutting thru the fog. BUT do not jump in the water and drag them in.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Thanks 2B! I seem to be hitting a new phase of the LBS cycle and process- there is more anger lately, though I know that will pass. But there's also more of a " I am getting really tired of this and I have no interest in spending concentrated time with you right now as I deserve better".
I'm not ready to throw in the towel, or to date or anything else. But lately I'm just feeling different. He showed me his new apt this past weekend and I was really annoyed. It was clean and tidy and not filled with the mess or the beauty of 20 years of family living. That really struck me for some reason and I didn't want to be there. I said I was going to head out and he kept saying " you don't have to leave, you can stay" like he really wanted me there. ( kids are staying with him his week too). But I didn't want to stay. Previously I would look for any opportunity to interact or demonstrated my 180s but nope- I just wanted some peace and alone time. This week he has tried out some suggestive flirting, and I'm just not interested in that either. Before I would want to be sure I responded and or even ML to try and keep the connection going but right now I have no interest. And I'm ok with it. And I'm not worried about his reaction. I seem to be cycling between a couple days of emotional mess and the new levels of detachment. I'm enjoying the quiet time right now.
I also just learned that a dear friend is going through the same thing. She knew about my sitch and wanted to talk Tonight since she knew I would understand. We are going to plan some girl trips that will be good for both of us. I can see how far I've come I talking with her- I don't wish this on anyone but I've grown in the process. Staying focused on the positives and on ME!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
So I am having a particularly difficult week. I'm in call and have the viral respiratory crud so that doesn't help- but it's more than that.
Like a few others on this board I am downright angry at my H and really do not want to see or talk to him right now.
The following is various journaling I have done today:
Texts with S19 today got tense about whether we should have open access to all his college records before paying anymore tuition. H tried to tell him- give us access or no money ( ok nevermind I am footing the bill for all the kids expenses b/c he has no job- but he did buy the iphone6 and a new rug for his apt). I texted H I disagreed with his approach and please talk to me before we end up on opposite sides of this. When H called and I was explaining my point, and saying S19 gave the transcripts and tuition screenshots he said "we " is missing someone- I didn't see them. ( I told him about them though) As we talked more and I said he's an adult he H jumping on me about ok then let him pay his car payment ( I make sure that's on time b/c I'm a cosigner and need to maintain my credit). and let him be stubborn and have to stop college. I pushed back and said no. And then he was focusing on related issues. I said you're deflecting and he said no- two separate issues and I said you know what- I did tell you about his transcripts and if I didn't forward them to you I'm sorry but you weren't exactly very involved at that time. I was teary but tried not to be. H stopped and said I'm sorry, I didn't mean to attack you. I said fine lets talk this weekend.
Then came texts as follows: H: Thank you for bringing it up. I'm sorry I hurt you Me: Thank you. I sent you the email. H: Your mad at me for standing firm on this and im upset at the opposite. Either way. He is doing shitty at school and with his health. We need to get more involved in every way we can. Maybe I'm over stressing sure but this important and maybe our last opportunity to help him get this [censored] right.im sorry I'm handling this wrong with you. Me: I'm not mad- it's just not the approach I would take and I don't want to be boxed in a corner. And we have talked about his grades and if there is a repeat he will not continue to go there (at least without paying himself), he can go to community college. I agree about his health etc. but encouragement and modeling are all we have at this point. I have learned I cannot control anyone but myself.
No more texts after that.
So my final assessment..... This is about H and what he feels he failed at and needs to catch up on and what he sees in himself as a lack of guidance growing up. My anger/hurt feelings- you chose to walk away from this ( had to, needed to, wanted to WTF ever). I am doing the best I can to take care of them. You're off spending your money on yourself and I'm paying for all of this- so you know what? No you don't get as much say and you f'n made that choice. So continue to be involved yes and we can disagree but without me you can't take care of all these kids and you don't get to manhandle the decisions. And while you're at it- why don't you realize that you're trying to be like S19and start your life over as a responsible teenager and think he should do the same. But you're 40.
Then this was my journaling tonight: I grow more annoyed each day with the lack of insight. Topic of friend going through her husband leaving came up. H asked if she was going to be ok. I said don't know, I don't think anyone knows if they are ever going to be ok in the situation. He says "oh you are more than ok." With a bit of a come on tone. Really? F'n idiot again. ( no I did not say that part) I said not really-some days I am some days I'm not. It's not a very pleasant existence. He says I'm sorry if it's uncomfortable to talk about. I said its not that it's uncomfortable, it's just you don't seem to have an accurate assessment of the impact based on your comments. Crickets...... Then we talked about the how a gun that he ordered forever ago finally came in that got stolen out of his truck. I asked how much it cost and he told me when he ordered it two years ago it was $3000. ( purchased during the thick of replay of course) I feel like he used my money for a couple years to buy all his f'n toys and then walks out when he's got him. Then on way driving around he mentions how he was supposed to go to dinner tonight with colleague and his wife and bring S7. F you again- I don't want to hear about your dinners with people who value marriage. At least I got a thank you for driving him around to get things he needed since his truck is going to the shop for window repair and glass removal.
I know this is a long post, and it's mostly venting. I just seem to be so angry and annoyed by him right now.
Is this part of the journey to detachment? Because I don't like anger but I sure seem to need to allow myself to feel it and process it.....
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Hi daring! I'm sorry you are having a tough time as of late. Yes, it's ok to feel angry at H and your sitch. Who wouldn't?
One thing I'm hearing, is that being the one making all the money is causing resentment in you. It's understandable that you might feel this way, but not helpful in a marriage, you know? Think "Team". I know you feel he might not deserve that right now, and I would kind of agree, but the hope is that someday he will, and will be grateful to you for giving him time to figure his stuff out.
"H stopped and said I'm sorry, I didn't mean to attack you."
See... stuff like this is uncommon from most MLC spouses around here. Focus on the positives, daring. The Big Picture. You knew this would take time, right?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Try to get out to GAL this weekend, when I'm down about this mess, I have to find a way to have a GAL to make sure to not sit in the negative mindset for too long.
I feel like throwing some truth dart this weekend at my H, but since a week ago I told H that this was not working for me, I will hold my tongue for a while, focus on Me and our son.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Thanks Shining, FY and 2B for the support and perspective. It really helps.
Shining I'm going to try and hop on your ride and cycle out the anger as I don't like it! I don't want to suppress it either thiugh as that will just prolong this cycle.
FY- yes there are positives. He is trying to notice my feelings. His mean part of MLC happened before BD in 2010-2012. I am very thankful that is not the case now and will try to focus on that. As far as the resentment- you are right but it's not actually about the kids expenses. I'm good with that though I think the other issue I'm upset about is spilling over.... In the thick of his MLC H didn't file our taxes, for 3 years! Then in 2012 he started his company. The set up of it resulted in much more of a tax burden then expected. It's all coming back to bite us now. We owe hundreds of thousands due to accumulated fees and penalties and are close to having wages garnished and stuff taken. I have a lawyer and have been working diligently to decrease expenses and save money to pay towards it. H is going to pull some money from his company that is a joint shareholder account to pay down the tax burden but I will have to pay that back ( as I'm the only one with the means for now). I'm frustrated that he's out buying stuff and I'm working on not changing our kids lifestyle but still paying this off. I know he feels bad about not being able to contribute based on comments sometimes but then he goes out and gets stuff thats not absolutely necessary. So I need to figure out how to let that go- I know it only hurts me in the long run to feel this way. And thus far I have managed to not be nasty about it to H- all those cuss words are only in my head and on here for now
2B I agree I need some GAL time! I'm still on call this weekend but hoping I can do something fun one of the days. I also have fantasies of a DB meetup where we can all GAL for a weekend!!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Just a tip you might already know. When feeling anger, pray 1st then talk to H 2nd.
I just did reverse,,,not the best. But I did apologize to H, cause I could have said what I said in a different way with a peaceful kind heart.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2b I may know it but can always use the reminder because knowing doesn't always translate into doing! I had slipped in my prayer time and really need to get back to it.
So in other news my sitch takes the craziest turns!!!! Yesterday morning after writing here with you all and praying ( thanks again 2B) I was feeling a bit calmer. Anger dissipated. While getting S7 ready for school he realized he left his uniform shoes at dads house so we had to stop over there on way to school. H brought the shoes to the door in his underwear- which caught me off guard as he looked HOT and I was a little stirred up. Whew!! I also had to ask him to take S16 to the doctor b/c he pulled a muscle and couldn't move his neck. Thankfully H does not work full time right now so while nanny is on vacation he has been doing lots of the errands and kids appts. ( thinking team FY ) So he was texting me quite a bit throughout the day about kids etc. He also texted me that money was in our account from his business to pay taxes and he's sorry if he got weird about it all- he was just trying to be a grown up about his finances. Wow- that was nice. So then when I got home he asked if I needed anything and gave me a hug before he left for the night. I tried to let go first but he kept holding and rubbing my side. Then he headed out. So last night at about 135 AM our house alarm goes off. Scared the bejesus out of me and the kids. Still can't find the cause as no break in attempted. D13 called H while I was trying to get the alarm silenced and he came right over. Joked with me that if I wanted him to sleep with me I didn't have to go to such lengths. I laughed but didn't say anything. Then after checking out house he hugged and held me b/c I was freaked out. One snuggle led to another and well..... In 48hrs I go fom wanting to yell at him to ML.
I'm not sure if this is the pursuit and distance dance or him trying to recognize that I'm stressed and he needs to help more.
It was a nice moment, I enjoyed it, I don't feel used. Now I just have to realize to expect nothing other than maybe God will set off more alarms to bring those moments together
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
