Hey Magic. We missed you and was concerned. Since your posts didn't show up, can you give us a brief update on your stitch? What position are you taking or where do stand now?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey MM, You really need to back off a bit from the sounds of it. I know it's hard when you think he's finally getting back to where you want but if he starts to feel at all trapped or 'pushed" at this time you can lose it all over again and the 2nd time is HARDER than the first!
The best thing you can do at this time is keep giving him the impression that you are independent. That you "want" him in your life IF he wants the same things you do, but at the same time if he's not willing to give you what you need, you will have no problem going elsewhere for it.
If you know you are prone to behaving a certain why at a certain time of the month, keep that in mind and be ready to control how you react. It's the "reacting" that is the problem. You need to be consistent and not react when baited or when he doesn't want to be romantic, etc. Even if this is what you WANT, you MUST keep in mind it's just that..a WANT, NOT a need! Let him pursue YOU, not get upset when you don't get what you want from him. I know it's hard for you to think this way but at this time it's important that he feel as though if he doesn't "shape up" he just may lose YOU. Showing jealousy (cologne incident) is really a big no-no. Whether you feel it or not, you need to have the attitude that you could care less. You don't fear any other woman will "steal" him away because you KNOW you are the better catch! That is a much more attractive attitude than getting jealous! Even if it's not what you're feeling inside..fake it until you make it! Think of it this way. Say you were to notice the gift from another woman. Instead of getting jealous or upset you were to say "That was nice of her. She must really have a thing for you". and just leave it at that. You smile and just move on. He will see you as a person with high self value. If you get at all jealous he thinks "There she goes again. I told her that that woman meant nothing to me. Man, she tries so hard to CONTROL me". Remember, MLCers HATE the thought of being "controlled". You don't even have to be doing anything that is at all controlling and they will still "feel" like that's what you are doing!
You need to remember your DB basics. They worked well for you as he is back to wanting a R with you again. Don't slip back into your old patterns. Getting upset that he didn't want to make out when waiting at the airport was exactly the wrong response. In fact if you made a move and he rejected it, the BEST thing would be for you to just totally blow it off like you couldn't care less. He's the one missing out on YOU, you aren't the least bit upset because you know that he's the one missing out on a great time.
You need to stop reacting and look at these times as "opportunities" to put what you have learned about the DB principals into practice! The next time you start to feel rejected or hurt STOP and think "instead of reacting how I normally would, what is the best way to get what I want right now?". By now you should have seen that it wasn't until you started to detach, to GAL, to act DIFFERENTLY than you had before that he started to notice and start wanting a R again! Don't think it was because the sale went through or he has less stress or any of that. He noticed that he couldn't get the old reactions from you and he started to think he may just lose you unless he stops.
You have made progress and are back in the game. Right now it is very important to keep doing what WORKS, not going back and and giving him the reactions that the "old" MM would have! Keep your eyes on the prize and keep doing the DB things. And just so you know...it's very common for the LBS to start to fall back into "old" patterns when things start to get better. This is a dangerous "make or break" time. Always be ready to think about how you are going act at any given time and you will win in the end.
I totally agree on backing off... its hard to do, because you "think" you can be all comfortable & treat it like your old relationship... BUT YOU CANT. Its like holding a brand new baby. It requires special care. It requires LOTS of sleep (time & space) Thats the hardest for me... I am anxious to spend all time with him. I keep "offering" ways to do this.
Still learning independence. This is difficult to achieve while still living at parents. My responsibility here is NIL. This plays an important part on the above statement, as he is loaded with responsibility and this occupies his time. I still have too much time. I am grateful for my Monday night meetings & friends who keep me busy. I also figure its a good time to focus on things I have been neglecting, like doctor/dentist appointments, banking paperwork, going through old clothes, ... time to purge.
With each day, I am beginning to have more confidence as I can gain confidence in where this relationship is going (even if snail pace)... so, this can guide me to do the above stuff that I have procrastinated on for so long due to hyper focusing on him. It is TIME to take the focus off him. Hopefully now I can do that!!
Yes, I need to "think" before reacting... Responding is a better way.
I DO need to be pursued... I do need to ensure that this is what HE wants, not just because I want it. As for the "shape up" or he may lose me comment, I am not sure he has ever felt that .... is it too late to gain some of that?
I never used to have jealousy pre bomb, I was VERY confident in myself & our relationship (now, I feel someone could steal him)... i need to control this reaction much better. Thanks for pointing it out... I do "know" that I am the better woman, although it just kills me to be weakened like this. He plays games too. He likes to joke around and makes comments to make me jealous... and I react. This in turn, has got me into playing the game back... and I really don't want to play this way.
Also, I realize that he is slowly making gestures and baby steps towards coming back, however I do sense his guard/caution more often than the baby steps. He is not yet wiling to admit we are more than "seeing how things go". Even discussing our upcoming trip just yesterday, I referred to it as a "vacation". He got a little defensive and asked if I am telling others its a vacation? I sensed his fear, and replied that I have said not really... just that I may be going away soon. He wants others to "think" its for business. I asked him for clarity "is it a vacay or business?" he stated, "well, we will spend 1/2h on business and then have nice dinners, beach, relax, etc"......so??
I realize he is scared to death of being "trapped" back in our relationship again, and therefore ANY/ALL words or feelings of being directed ... makes him run. I believe this is due to the fact that he feels it was never "his" decision to enter into our LTCR & living together, even though he fully enjoyed it and wants it back. Apparantly, I pursued far too strong & it was a difficult task to finally get out??? I was very demanding of being a "family"... even though he admits to enjoying everything. He must feel that he never got to chose it. Therefore, I need to let this "choice" be HIS..... Yes, he must NOT be controlled. I am certain that he still feels me trying to control him again.
Pass the duct tape, control dial & clock!!!
Yes, OPPORTUNITIES to test myself on what I have learned. To put into practice & to be the change I have been teaching myself. Throughout this time, all I have ever wanted was an opportunity.... I guess it has arrived. Now, I need to pass the test!! Yes, act differently than what I used to.
I do believe that purchasing this new location was what he needed to do before being able to begin to put some effort back into our R. Our R is not his focus AT ALL... our R, is still the bottom of the list. Not quite where it should be. I don't think he has ever felt a sense of loss from me. Maybe just more like it was time after realizing that the grass isn't so green "out there" and maybe his grass would be green, if he just watered it.
Thank you for pointing out that this is "make or break" time... I really need to not be baited, not react, put all my DB lessons into practice & BE the woman I have been training to be. I am scared to death of screwing this up & falling back into the old patterns. I am scared that he is already a little to complacent with our R.
~~~~~~
3 things that I need to put on the pros list:
~ he reaches to kiss me goodbye ~ he referred to my old nickname twice last Thursday ~ he asks for me to text him when I get in (after late night driving)
~~~~~~~~~
I need to "pull" (attract) not PUSH!!
Last edited by makingmagic; 09/23/1402:27 PM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Hi Blue_Sky... tx for the support, although I am not deserving of it quite yet.
Both Saturday night & last night I was pushy... to the point where he claimed "PRESSURE"... so, after 2x4's to myself, I vow to get back in the "waiting" line.
Yes, I may have leaned to the pressure side, but at the same time.... "IF" he is not wanting the same things I do & giving me what I need..."
Yesterday, I knew he had other interest to cut grass however, he also expressed a minor interest in hanging out with me after work. So, instead of letting him "ask".. I suggested it & then it got whittled away and he claimed "pressure". He said let him do the "asking"... Instead of me being all ok & no problem about it (casual), I asked him why he didn't want to & he took that as pressure. I DO NOT WANT ANYONE WHO FEELS being with me is PRESSURE!!
Approx 10 mins later, I did what OLD MM does... she called him to "fix".... I explained that I was not interested in pressuring him, just that I wanted him to see it as wanting to enjoy his company. I left it at that. (2X4)
Approx 2 hours later, he sends a text saying that he was feeling better and had finished cutting the grass & was cooling off out of the pool & cheers. I replied "I understand. Enjoy some TV & beer. Cheers" Then he sends another one stating that he is not relaxing that he has just dug out a work project.... I did not reply.
Today, its such a nice day & he was feeling pressured by a client. He was anxious for client to leave so that he could leaave & enjoy the pool before our next appointment. He "kinda" offered for me to go over, suggesting that I didnt have much time. I declined.
I declined because I want to give space. I don't want to give sad looks (puppy dog pressure). I don't want to assume & pretend everything is back to what it was... its not. THIS requires work & patience (and I need to pull back). It is clear that I cannot start planning & expecting him to do certain things. Don't set myself or the beginning of us to fail.
I see now that I need to stay back & wait for him to complete whatever he needs to complete (journey & responsibilities), without pressure &/or my comments.
Meanwhile... I need to get busy... so that My focus isn't on him.
At this point, everything else should take a priority over him. He can come 2nd, until I become his 1st.
Wish me luck.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Tx Blue_Sky... I have plenty of GAL options, however none seem to be fulfilling. I think if I had my own house I would be extremely preoccupied with my own things to do... even just the normal stuff like buying groceries, laundry, housecleaning, etc... would be good for me.
I have gotten pre-approved for a mortgage & he even has offered to lend me the money if I should want more. He even suggested that he would invest in something with me as well. .... I just dunno.
I think independence is what I need.
Hi Eric ~ still a work in progress, however there have been some changes.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Both Saturday night & last night I was pushy... to the point where he claimed "PRESSURE"
Quote:
Yes, I may have leaned to the pressure side, but at the same time
Quote:
Yesterday, I knew he had other interest to cut grass however, he also expressed a minor interest in hanging out with me after work. So, instead of letting him "ask".. I suggested it & then it got whittled away and he claimed "pressure". He said let him do the "asking"... Instead of me being all ok & no problem about it (casual), I asked him why he didn't want to & he took that as pressure. I DO NOT WANT ANYONE WHO FEELS being with me is PRESSURE!!
Umm....why then are you even trying if YOU DO NOT WANT ANYONE WHO FEELS being with me is PRESSURE? That is a rhetorical question.
So what exactly has changed? Maybe I missed it.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
well, like I said... I am still a work in progress. I was easily slipping back into old MM ways. As you pointed out.. why? <<< this is something that I continue to remind myself of. Which is why I caught myself & decided to pull back.
I want to attract.... not beg!
I was much better today.
Today: HE did ALL the work & made ALL the advances, invited me to swim and sit by pool (I said OK), and also after work to sit on a patio restaurant & have drinks (to which I declined)... I did have other plans.
Tomorrow, we are up early for a work event, to which he wants my DD to join us. He also has mentioned more "pool time" for the weekend as we are running out of nice days. He is wanting to enjoy whats left of summer & not making it a full "work" day. (this is him trying to change). I have evening plans on Saturday night that he does not know about. I have a wedding to attend. "IF" he should ask my evening plans, then I will tell him.
Sunday, we are up early again to be on the road, as I was able to book/confirm an old adventure that I had purchased for the 3 of us, approx 2 years ago. We will be on a balloon flight. (really looking forward to this!!)
Last edited by makingmagic; 09/27/1412:02 AM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
