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#2491049 09/25/14 02:04 PM
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Anaru Offline OP
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This is my first post to the forum.
At the beginning of Sept I finally confirmed that my wife's EA (going on since about April 2013 had become physical in end of March this year - 5-6 months ago.
They had only been to bed a few times when I was safely out of the country on business travel (approx 1x per month) - she considered it friends w benefits.
The affair is with her ex-boyfriend from 21+ years ago (we have been married 20 years).
I am mainly said & disappointed - I am not an angry person. have given the choice to drop the A and work on our marriage or see if she wants to make it work with OM. OM does not seem willing to commit despite her best efforts over the last months. It saddens me to see how desperate she was to get is approval/acceptance.
Material here + Div Remedy book helping enormously. Having good days & bad days. Away again on business twice in 4-5 weeks and anxious about what she is going to do while I am away
H (me)51 W46 3x S 20 18 14


Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14
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Current: W ending A?
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Originally Posted By: Anaru
I am not an angry person. have given the choice to drop the A and work on our marriage or see if she wants to make it work with OM.



Seriously? You have given her that choice??? Just who is the one who is desperate for approval and acceptance here?

Maybe I read that wrong, but it looks like you're willing to just stand by like a puppy dog while your wife decides if she wants you or her affair partner. Please clarify.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Fair question. First post jitters - so was trying to keep it short.
To be clear I was stating my boundaries in no uncertain terms to her - stay (and commit to our marriage) or go (and figure it out on her own - or with the OM). She was going to keep seeing him from under my roof.
Pretty much the usual options seems to me.
Quietly insistent rather than pushing hard.
Right now the OM seems to have no interest in committing to anything. W is turning to me - and acknowledged in a message to me that many would have called it quits and thanked me for supporting her while she dealt with her problems.
The DR approach (not pursuing, creating space, GAL etc) really seems to be working even though the bomb dropped only this month I can say it has helped me cope a lot better. And it is opening up the possibility that we will make it through together.

Interesting: W had befriended OM's ex-W. She was curious to know how she (OM's ex) had finally made the decision to get a D. Her illusions that OM's marriage was perfect were shattered and she heard a few home truths about OM's behaviour/personality that she also sees herself now. Still didn't stop her hopping into bed with him on several occasions over the summer tho.
One of my points to W was she had to also make it right with the OM's ex. Befriending OM exW almost under false pretenses just was not right. So she told the exW this week and the exW has gone ballistic. Angry messages to my W and the OM and a lot of heat.
Am staying neutral. Striking while the iron is cold (DR). She needs to feel the painful consequences of her behaviour and this is one way. W will also need to tell her mother that it was a PA (her mother knew she was seeing other guy as EA and definitely did not agree with it).


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edit correction
She was *NOT* going to keep seeing him from under my roof.


Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14
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DDAY 1 Sept 2014
Current: W ending A?
Joined: Sep 2014
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Am now on business trip for a week so will see how things go while I am away. It is really difficult to limit my communications with her - but I see the need to do so - she is just not there to deal with my needs right now


Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14
T21 M20
DDAY 1 Sept 2014
Current: W ending A?
Joined: Sep 2014
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W away again this evening (Friday evening) to visit OM - to address things/round things off she says.
I am flying home tonight (transatlantic flight) and will be alone with my thoughts all the way.
Backslid and said that this was exactly the situation over the last 6 months where they ended up in bed together. And that she seemed to have no idea what she was doing to me.
W just replied I kept harping on about the same subject.
Decided not to argue and go monosyllabic again.

Been reading Zew's threads on his WAW situation - learning a lot from that. So many lessons apply to me. Esp STFU and NC.

Also a post by Theoden helped me understand what you do with all that neediness and emotion that you seem to have to bottle up and hidden (or deal with in private or not with W). I know maybe not the right choice of words but the important detail that GAL activity needs to completely engage your attention had not been clear to me.
Going out for walks (alone, with W and with sons) has been helping but indeed my thoughts keep turning to the hole in my heart.
So will try to spend more time making/fixing things in my workshop and paying attention to my sons. Just to take my mind off things.
have great support from a friend in my home country and my boss (boss is female, based in US - I am based in Europe) decided to let my boss know what was going on in a moment of candour. She has been very understanding.


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Quote:
Also a post by Theoden helped me understand what you do with all that neediness and emotion that you seem to have to bottle up and hidden (or deal with in private or not with W).


Got a link to this?


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
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Originally Posted By: Anaru
W away again this evening (Friday evening) to visit OM - to address things/round things off she says.
I am flying home tonight (transatlantic flight) and will be alone with my thoughts all the way.
Backslid and said that this was exactly the situation over the last 6 months where they ended up in bed together. And that she seemed to have no idea what she was doing to me.



She's basically cuckolding you here, and you basically gave her "permission" to do so with your "I'll be here waiting while you choose, so long as you don't conduct your affair from under our roof" stance.

I don't mind betrayed spouses waiting (I did, for about 3 months), but you should NOT convey anything to your wayward spouse other than "I don't want a divorce, but I won't live in an open marriage either, make no mistake. And I'm NOT going to wait forever. Looks like we both have some decisions to make."

When they know you're basically just going to remain there, willing to be their "Plan B" in case their affair doesn't work out, there is no urgency to stop what they are doing and come back and work on the marriage, in my opinion.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Thx for the advice Starsky. Been pretty clear to her she has to make a decision.
Jefe - will have a look now for that link for you - while I am waiting for my next connection at LAX. Got not much else to do while grinding my gears about her being with him now, and having no idea what she is doing/saying to him


Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14
T21 M20
DDAY 1 Sept 2014
Current: W ending A?
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 44
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Anaru Offline OP
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Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14
T21 M20
DDAY 1 Sept 2014
Current: W ending A?
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