Newcomer living in Hell

[MrBond]

First off, be sure you break up your post with paragraph and line breaks. That description of your vacation was very hard to read.

"on a negative note, after the suspension bridge she did mention "i know that there are things that you want. there are things that i want, and they are in conflict, and i'm gonna choose me". i didn't really say anything to that just let her talk."

Why is that negative? She's right. The challenge is to show her that you can be a part of that journey of her finding herself.

"one of my biggest concerns is that i see many posters on here letting the WAS see what life would be like without them."

You misunderstand this action. It's not to let the WAS see what life is without them. It's just giving the WAS what they want. They say they don't want the LBS around, so you leave. This way too, the LBS doesn't become a constant target for the WAS.

"my problem is that i was not here with them for 10 months and she did it on her own. any reason that i can still hope? anyone?"

There's always hope. What else have you been doing to change the issues that she had with you in the M?

[bravo61]

Thanks for chiming in Mr. Bond.

I have made several changes in my behavior and issues I had during our relationship.

1) anger- through counseling I have found the root of my anger issues and refusal to address it. I have not had a single angry outburst or reaction since I have been here. Even when she has been super critical and revised our marital history to paint me as the Devil I have taken a moment to collect myself and not been controlled by my initial visceral reaction.

2)manipulation- I used to disregard her opinions to the point where she would not offer any. Now I ask her what she thinks or feels and give weight to her consideration. If I didn't agree with her I would force her to justify why she felt a certain way or tell her she was wrong. I would use my mood to influence her actions. I've actually told her since I've been here that I would love to know her reasoning behind things but if she doesn't feel comfortable doing that, I would simply respect a no.

3)Critical nature- her 'LL is words of affirmation. I support her decisions and make sure I let the kids know how smart their mom is when she makes decisions with them. When she criticizes herself I jump to her defense. She tries to deflect my opinions but I ask her not to minimize my feelings. I listen carefully when she speaks and make a point to STFU when she does share. I validate her and profess my respect for the job she does at work and point out the good things she does when she recounts interactions w/co worked.

4)Dependabilty- one of the first things she said when dropping the bomb was that I was never there for them. I haven't missed a single practice or game since I've been here. I've taken time out to work on soccer w/S one on one several times-even at the loss of sleep (I works graveyard). Every time she has called needing me for something my first response is I'm on my way not why can't u handle it. I take the kids everywhere and take my D to the bathroom when we r all out in public to help out. And I've done all of these things gladly with a willing spirit and not demanded that it be noted, but because I should have been doing this all along.

[jim0987]

That sounds like you're doing well - I can learn quite a bit from that particularly about the LLs

[bravo61]

Just got tickets to take the kids to Disney on Ice Sat nite. Never would've done that before. Trying to include the kids in my GAL. Taking a 8 & 4 year old into the city by myself at night. Fighting w/an amped up PCP user is less scary. Just another adventure!

[jim0987]

My W is using the tickets I had to Disney on ice this weekend but taking MIL instead of me.

My D3 loves Disney on ice. My S1 isn't fussed

[bravo61]

Where at? We r in Portland

[jim0987]

Birmingham, it

Long old way from Oregon.

Your D will love it. Though expect to be surrounded by those Spinny LED things.

[bravo61]

Moved here from. B'ham

[bravo61]

saw the W yesterday. pleasant conversation. she was nominated for nurse of the year and had the luncheon. let her know i was so proud of her and they were crazy not to give it to her. it was her first year here and she got nominated. i really am so proud of her. asked her to pack a princess dress for D for disney on ice. she was so impressed that i'm taking them. think she's jealous she's not going (she has to work). she walked us out to the car and i got a big hug. she called the kids later and told them goodnight and spoke to me too. bout two hours later she sent me a text randomly that it was crazy at work tonight. i simply replied that "i know you're gonna do great" with a wink face.

i sure do miss her!

[bravo61]

oh yeah, she also said that they were gonna do Santa soon and she would love it if i joined them.