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Job, Tad, Heather, thanks for stopping by.

Job, well put, a “friend”, haha. Even though I came up with that scenario, I still have a hard time to see H being sneaky like that when in his mind our M is over and he is a free man. But, it might be wrong and he is actually hitting a new low for him. Maybe he discovered that telling the truth about his situation up front doesn’t get him anywhere with more or less decent women.

Or, maybe the fact that he didn’t inform me about new phone number means that I’m just not that important. Well, so is my son and my sister and family…

Heather, thanks so much for such a thoughtful and encouraging post. Yes, he is pathetic in his search for the “harmonious” relationship and perfect OW. Even our mutual friends keep telling me this.

And this brings me back to Job’s post:
Originally Posted By: job
Many of them don't acknowledge their family and friends when a holiday rolls around. I think your h is a very slow MLCer and he's just hit the spot where they don't have much contact. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.


Job, you confirmed what I was thinking too. I know that you are very rarely wrong. I trust your experience and knowledge. I have an intuition and history with H. I think you are right about this, so is my intuition. I think he is cycling more right know. With his job situation which forces him to stay put in the state where it is snowing and freezing right now… He hates cold weather. But he cannot leave and stay at the vacation home because he didn’t make enough money this year. He is a slow MLCer because he is extremely stubborn.

At the same time I’m doing great with my job and now with the side gig that will make me some money. And I travel to the vacation home more often and bring all kinds people with me (his dream.) So, I can see how I would be the enemy right now. Even though he would never admit it openly, but deep down I think it bothers him.

I’m also pretty sure he heard some opinions about me from the people at the vacation home, how wonderful I’m. I’ve actually heard that his new friend from last year, who I just met for the first time last weekend when I was there, told someone that I was beautiful. I’m sure he heard from our mutual friend’s how much I’ve changed and how I became even better person. I make sure that I tell my mutual friends about all my new friends from work and all the activities I’ve been doing. I know that a lot of this info gets relayed to H.

I’m sure this is not what he wants to hear at this time. He is probably trying even harder to distance himself from me and convince himself that he did the right thing. I know that any potential OW is not going to be even close match to me. Plus, when H gets a new friend or a “friend”, he can be in communication with the person 24x7, full of excitement and hope. Then the person says or does something that H doesn’t like and which he didn’t expect from that person, and it all can end very quickly.

Anyway, I have another potential encounter coming. I think H will be flying back to “cold” state from my city on Monday. Will see what happens. He could take a bus and to go strait to the airport. Or, he could drive his car (that was sitting at the vacation home with the dead battery, because nobody drove it), park it at his brother’s house, or he could ask me to park it on my driveway. It still bugs me that he would not try to see my son when he is passing through the city.

Oh, forgot to mention. When I gave H his mail on Monday, there was an envelope with the new road side assistance card. We still have a joint account, I paid the whole bill and didn’t ask him to contribute. I haven’t heard a “thank you” yet. Maybe it just rubbed him in the wrong way and he is mad at me for that, LOL.


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Bright,
I don't think he is bothered about the fact that you paid the roadside assistance renewal. He most likely hasn't given it much thought at all.

It'll be interesting to see what he does about his transportation on Monday.

Bright, Heather is right about one thing...feel your pain and then let it go. Don't judge the amount of time it takes you to complete your journey against others who post. Each person will make the journey at a pace that is comfortable for them. Please stop beating yourself up and thinking you should be over it by now....this is not something you can wave the magic wand and it be over....it takes time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Quote:
Don't judge the amount of time it takes you to complete your journey against others who post. Each person will make the journey at a pace that is comfortable for them. Please stop beating yourself up and thinking you should be over it by now....this is not something you can wave the magic wand and it be over....it takes time.


Amen. Listen to Job. My sitch started in 2010 and I thought I was slow too. Many on this board have come and gone and many on this board will tell you that yes, I was slow, but that doesn't make it wrong. I'm still not done. Getting there? Yes, but not quite done. Handle this on your time. There is no set time. You'll get there when you get there.

Take care.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Originally Posted By: job
Don't judge the amount of time it takes you to complete your journey against others who post. Each person will make the journey at a pace that is comfortable for them. Please stop beating yourself up and thinking you should be over it by now....this is not something you can wave the magic wand and it be over....it takes time.


Right. And who's to say when our journey is complete anyway? When we Reconcile? When we Move On? Hardly.

Our journey only ends when we are dead!

I like to aim to be content with who I am and where I'm at, every day. No one else has a say in this, it's up to each one of us.

You're doing great Bright. Everything you need really is within you. Bust On!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Thanks everyone. I don’t think I’m beating myself up for not being over the sitch yet. I’m just tired and want to move on with my life without feeling sad or bitter (sometimes). I guess I do need more time and thanks for supporting me in this.

FY, I am a bit worried that my journey will last until I am dead, LOL. I don’t want to be sad until then. I hope one day it all goes away and I can live my life without this constant feeling in my stomach and my heart.

I’m trying… I might be making some progress actually. I think I do have more evidence of H’s having met someone. And it doesn’t bother me as much. As long as she is not anywhere close to where I am. I might have a problem if he brings her over to the vacation home. But, other than that, I feel kind of numb and indifferent.

I checked my notes and H is going back on Tuesday, not Monday. And then another options for him would be to get a ride with our other friends who I’ve heard would be returning from their vacation home tomorrow or on Tuesday. I’m pretty sure now this is what he is going to do. Hopefully, he will go directly to the airport and I will not have to worry about seeing him or making any arrangements. At the same time, I kind of don’t give a sh!t.


M:50
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S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Well, apparently H is taking a bus tomorrow. It is sort of a relief, because it means he will be going directly to the airport. But why do I feel very sad again? I think I’m feeling that this might be the last pull away from me on H's part, and this time I have to accept that he is gone forever. He is clearly avoiding me this time.

Last edited by BrightFuture; 12/02/14 03:22 AM.

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Hi, Bright.

It is very sad, watching them leave. I totally get that.

It's sad because we always have hope. Not expectations, necessarily.....hope. And we loved deeply.

Whether he is or isn't avoiding you? Naaawwww, Bright.... You know there's no way to know for sure. Maybe it made the most sense at the time he planned. Best not to assume. wink

"Last pull away" and "gone forever"..... Those are some pretty final-sounding words!!

I've learned one thing for sure in the past year....

Never say never. Anything can, will, and often does happen.

No one can take away your memories, your love, or your hope.

Hugs to you, Bright. You're doing amazing. smile

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Bright,
Your h may have opted for the bus as transportation because everyone is either working or busy and it may have proven to be more convenient for him at that time. As for this being the last time he pulls away, I don't see that at all. If he were actually going to leave permanently and never return, there would have been papers filed by now. You are "assuming" again and that stinking thinking makes you sad and brings you down. Try to look at it another way...he's still alive and apparently is doing well. You've not had to deal w/much of his MLC madness and yes, no papers for a divorce as of yet. You are still on civil terms w/him and he does send you a post card from Mars every now and then.

Bring out your happy memories when you are feeling down and sad. Your love is still very evident and there is always a chance he may return at some point. He's still working on finding himself and you need to dig deeper for patience and live your life for you right now.

Don't let your h's decision to take a bus ruin your day. It's just transportation to the airport...nothing more.

Hang in there.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Shining, normally I have the same kind of attitude – never say never. I’m just discouraged, that’s all. This is my 3-rd holiday season after BD. I just cannot believe it that I’m still hoping for something.

Job, this is true, I didn’t have to deal with much MLC, even though he is mild MLCer. The reason I’m so discouraged is that H never took buses anywhere. This is new. This is like getting to a new low for H. And it makes me think that for him taking a bus is better than doing anything else that might involve me. I’m sure I’m not expressing it the way I would like it. I just cannot think clearly these days. Everything is like in the fog. Good thing I still can function at work.

Well, H sent me a text today thanking me for wishing him a happy Thanksgiving. He said that he just crossed the border and got the text. He also said “Hope you had fun” (meaning Thanksgiving.) I want to believe him that he indeed didn’t get my text until today. I replied that I had a good time and hope that he had a great time too, inserted a smiley face and thanked him for his text. I figured that if I reply in a friendly way, he might engage in some conversation. He didn’t. Oh well, it was just an experiment… Trying to find what works, right…

I’m pretty sure H has met somebody. So, the D papers might not be too far away. I think the only thing that keeps him from filing is that he thinks he will not be able to afford and keep the vacation home.

Job, your words are encouraging. I’m still hanging in there, but bracing myself for not so pleasant outcomes. I cannot even think what I’m going to do if H brings this new “friend” to the vacation home, which I’m sure he is dying to do.

And you are right, my love is still there, but for the “old” H. I keep telling myself that the potential ow can have him the way he is now. I’m not interested.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Bright,
Even though the bus event was different for your h, he may not have given any thought about it. You are working and so are his other friends, thus the bus. It's just another blip on the radar screen for him, something new for him to try. He may very well be trying different things to see what works for him and if that's the case, well, you just might see a lot of different things going on, but it's not a sign that it's over and done w/yet. It's not over until the fat lady sings and from where I'm sitting, I don't think he's going to do much of anything because he's very content w/the way things are working for him. As for how you feel about them, he's not on the same playing field w/you right now. He's assuming that you are okay w/everything and unless you say something differently, he'll not give it a second thought.

As for D papers, unless you file them, I don't get a sense of him doing that from your postings. You are still searching for signs of him waking up. As I pointed out earlier, he may very well be a turtle in this race and it could take him some time to get to the other side. Don't get discouraged, look at this situation a different way, it's given you an opportunity to try new things, make new friends and you've gotten a job that you like. It's given you an opportunity to find yourself too. If your h sat down and spoke w/you today, he would see a different Bright, a more independent and stronger Bright. You would be a stranger to him, just as he is to you right now. So, for now, let him go. Allow the man upstairs to have him for a while. Your focus has to be on number one...YOU!

When the time is right, all will be revealed to you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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