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Ikymk99 Offline OP
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Hello.
In all honesty, I never would have thought I'd be writing a post on a divorce/ marriage centric forum, at least not the me two years ago.
Here's my story:
My wife and I have married for 15 years. We have two sons, 9 & 12. I had the M that was the envy of all my relatives and friends. She was my best friend. We never spent more than a couple days apart in the first 12 years of M. We were living our dream, even though we weren't/aren't a wealthy, that didn't matter, we had everything we needed.
Then the prproblems started. About two years ago she went back to work after our youngest went to school. I had worked 6/7 days a week so she could stay at home and be with them. The job is in the social work field and deals with an immense amount of stress. But she stayed because we needed the money. Her attitude started to worsen. She was already taking anxiety meds . They made her feel like a zombie, so she stopped taking them.
All this time her temper was getting shorter and the mood swings more drastic. Then there was the straw that broke the camel's back, her grandfather died. She was extremely close to him and he was her last connection to her father's side (her father passed when she was 21). She fell into a deep depression that lasted months. All the while working and maintaining a household. I and her family pleaded with her to seek help. But she refused to get help, either medically, professional, or spiritual. She would mention that if it weren't for our boys, she would take her own life. Of course this hurt me deeply, as I had lost a younger brother to suicide nine years ago, I once again felt helpless
She started self medicating with booze. Which just made things worse.
Last summer she drops the bomb and gives me the ILYBNILWY diatribe. That tore my heart out. I did all the don't dos: begged, pleaded, cried, blamed, etc.. She wanted to leave. Started looking for an apartment. I was getting depressed. Finally I convinced her to see a MC. She only went to please me though. The C said to either poop or get off the pot. She decided to stay. All of this was about nine months ago.
I am no saint either. I have my own battles with jealousy, self esteem, abandonment issues that have worked their magic on our M. I realize how exhausting that kind of behavior can be now after scouring the internet for any and everything R related.
Everything seemed to be going well for awhile. We even went on our first family vacation we had a great time. Not two weeks after that we had some issues that I wouldn't drop concerning intimacy. That's when she told me she wanted a D. I was shocked, hurt, and angry. She agreed to a separation instead. Stating she didn't want a D. We lived in the same house until 8/20. Since we aren't financially able to afford an apartment, I had a buddy I could stay with and she would stay at her mother's. Leaving our boys at the house at all times as to not to disrupt their lives anymore than we had to. I got three nights at home while she got four.
It has been THE HARDEST time I've ever experienced. Harder than losing my brother. My chest constantly aches. The praying hasn't stopped. The loneliness unbearable.
I've been trying to better myself. Meditating. Being more independent. Trying to be positive. It's just seems pointless sometimes. This wasn't supposed to happen. But it has. I have to accept that.
Last week she tells me we are taking the boys to a fair we go to annually. We had a great time. She was drinking and tells me she'd you know what but didn't want to cloud our situation.
I stayed the night on the couch.
The next morning she is back into her moody self. Claiming that she doesn't see us reconciling and that I'll never change. I said I am positive and hopeful. That I am not giving up on our M. I got frustrated because we had agreed not to discuss M/R untbuddyer an agreed upon time had passed. I left, more hurt. Leaving in huff I had forgotten my suitcase. I went to retrieve it after work the next day. She was there and said she wanted to talk. At first I said I was in a hurry but would listen. She said she can't drag this out anymore and can't do the back and forth from her mom's. She wants me to stay at my friend's full time. Now, this is when I calmly, but firmly, tell her that is unacceptable. It is my home too. That is not the plan we had agreed on. If she didn't want the back and forth then she could leave full time. She didn't want that either. So I left, saying I would pick up boys from school and continue with the original plan.
This is where I stand today. Fighting to keep the M I have committed to the last 15 year of my life. I love her too much to give up. Even though she's ready to throw in the towel, I am not.
I have ordered DR and it can't get here soon enough.
I am tired of feeling this way...broken.
Thank you all for the inspiring posts I've read so far. Very encouraging.


M 39 W 39
T 16, M 15
S 12, 9
Sep 07/26/14
11/02/14 W decides to file, has not yet
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 39
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Ikymk99 Offline OP
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I have more to my sitch. The initial post was done on my tiny phone last evening. We don't have internet at our home. So I was attempting to do it all on the phone, which became frustrating seeing that I have sausage fingers. So, I am writing on my work computer.

Since my W starting back to work several years ago she's been going out regularly with friends (all single mind you) and coworkers. Mostly the bar scene is where she'd go. Which didn't settle well with me and my feelings of insecurity and jealousy. My W is an attractive woman and I felt that scene was dangerous. I mentioned this several times, but she reassured me I had nothing to worry about. I routinely had to pick her up (waking my two young boys up and loading them into the car) because I didn't want her driving the 30 miles (we live in the country) back in that condition. The 1st few times I didn't mind. I knew she'd be safe at home if I was the one to get her. Then she started to get sick on some of the rides home, in front of the boys. I know I'm portraying her as a F up, but she is a really responsible and hard working person. She's a dedicated (almost too over-protective) mother. She is a neat freak and a "bossy" personality. We went out less and less together, while she went out more and more without me.

Her issues with me are that she can't rely on me and that I am more like "another child" to her. Which I understand...to a point. She is a control freak and I am an easy going people-pleaser. So I let her make all the big decisions and run the household and pay the bills. I mainly was the bread winner and let her control all aspects of our lives. Which now, I understand, has caused her to slowly build up resentment, contempt, and anger towards me. I feel ashamed and failure that I couldn't step up and be the man she desired, wanted to be with. I'm working on that, trust me, it's all I can do.

As far as OM. I don't know for sure. I don't have any conclusive evidence of a PA or an EA to back up any of my suspicions. I do know she has reconnected with old BF(whom she claims was not a "BF" but just a friend with benefits)a few years ago. At first I was very upset, insecure, and jealous. But she maintained that he is "just a friend" and "I had nothing to worry about". I have met him a few times and hung out, he seemed like a stand up guy. She claims she "never would do anything. I don't feel that way about him.". So I backed off and tried to hide my feelings on the matter. She texts him almost daily and has hung out with him alone on certain occasions. This always burned me up inside and I'd snap at her or give the cold shoulder. She knew this "friendship" upset me, but was unwilling to stop it despite my feelings.

I love her deeply and I want to save our M. Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated. I am trying to keep my head up, but some days the fear and constant pain get too much to endure. Keep us and our family in your prayers as I will all of yours.

Thank you and peace be with you.


M 39 W 39
T 16, M 15
S 12, 9
Sep 07/26/14
11/02/14 W decides to file, has not yet
Joined: Nov 2009
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Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Sep 2014
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Ikymk99 Offline OP
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Thanks for the reply. I'm having a difficult time "detaching" . Haven't found an effective method in doing so. The hurt is like an annoying itch that I can't seem to leave be. Trying to occupy myself with busy work and my children. I try not to let it consume me, but not an hour passes that I don't end up scratching that sucker. I feel like a junkie who gives in after a lame attempt at kicking the habit.
Any tips would be greatly appreciated.
Peace


M 39 W 39
T 16, M 15
S 12, 9
Sep 07/26/14
11/02/14 W decides to file, has not yet
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 39
I
Ikymk99 Offline OP
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I read that both DB and DR are similar, but both must reads. Some prefer one over the other. I have ordered DR since the majority of posts I've read on the subject recommend it over DB.

Question: Are both needed or can one simply use DR?

I ask because, being on a budget, I don't see being to get a hold of both feasible at the present moment.

Thanks

Peace


M 39 W 39
T 16, M 15
S 12, 9
Sep 07/26/14
11/02/14 W decides to file, has not yet
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 48
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Hi Ikymk, my local library had DR but not DB, might be worth a look if budget is tight.

So sorry you're here and going through all this, take heart and know that you will get through this. The detachment is really hard, and something I think we all struggle with, but it does get better. Keep posting, and read other threads. I'm new here too, and others will chime in with better advice, just wanted to say hi, and let you know someone's reading.


Me:33 W:32
T 12yrs M 3yrs
House, No kids
6/16/14 BD 1+yr PA disclosed
9/1/14 Requested divorce, in house S
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 39
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Ikymk99 Offline OP
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Thanks NewLeaf, I really appreciate the sentiment. I read a lot about your sitch yesterday, in fact. Very inspiring and gave me hope for myself to see how motivated and focused you (and others) are at battling these obstacles/struggles and the determination to GAL. I have been reading this board in my little amount of free time I have. So glad I stumbled upon it. Seemed the most solution based site I've seen so far.


M 39 W 39
T 16, M 15
S 12, 9
Sep 07/26/14
11/02/14 W decides to file, has not yet
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
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edz Offline
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Hi there,

newbie (well, going into three months here) at this myself and I know what you mean. Its often described as a rollercoaster by those on here and its true. Some days are fine, everything seems like it can be handled and managed and flows and others can be just awful.

I can say though that while the book(s) are a must read to get the most out of the discussions here the resources and the people who post their advice make things just that smallest bit easier.

No one can promise how your sitch will turn out but post here, as often as you can even if its just to virtually rant and it can help immensely.

Hold on in there and take those first suggestions to heart even when they seem impossible

Quote:
Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.


Take care,
Ed


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Sep 2014
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Ikymk99 Offline OP
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Thank you, edz. I am trying. Hard to get motivated. Not seeing my boys everyday and waking up in my own house that I worked my tail off for. Knowing that she just wants to give up on what we both worked on so hard to get. Really flipping painful.


M 39 W 39
T 16, M 15
S 12, 9
Sep 07/26/14
11/02/14 W decides to file, has not yet
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 39
I
Ikymk99 Offline OP
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 39
Another up and down weekend. Had my annual function that I do with a bunch of my high school buddies. Took my boys to the Saturday and Sunday morning portions. The wife was at her sister's watching her children all weekend.
She came to pick the boys up at about mid day Sunday. She was stoic and icy towards me. I hadn't told but a few of my friends of our sitch. She didn't know whom I have told, so she might of felt awkward being there. I was hurt by her behavior, but didn't show it, at least I don't think I showed any pain by her seemingly endless rejection.
It's always good to see her in the flesh, but that feeling quickly dissipates when she greets me with that cold poker face and dead eyes. No physical affection. Her half-hearted, weak hugs. It's hard to see the one you have committed the rest of your life to "give up" and "check out" of our M.
All this holding back my true feelings and just portraying this facade that "everything is okay" and "I'm doing great without you" seems counterproductive to me. I'm trying to understand how this is going to help heal things, or if it ever will. I try not to let it consume me. I need all the help and support I can get. Seems like this will pull us farther apart.
Then, as I was leaving the "guys' weekend" ordeal and preparing to head to my buddy's whom I stay with when I'm not allowed to live in my own house, she texts and tells me the water heater is leaking profusely. I tell her I'm on my way. I get there and assess the situation. Turn it off, drain it, and all that, nothing else I could do. I know nothing about water heaters. She says I can stay the night since it was late and my buddy's house is 45 min away. She was amiable, but very business-like and forthright in her conversations. I avoided any R/M talk.
I get up this morning, tell her I'll call the repair man. I say "Good Bye and I love you" to my sons. She one arm hugs me weakly and tells me she loves me flatly. I turn and drive to work in a bummed mood.
Sometimes I wish I didn't have such strong feelings for her, then it would be easier to detach and move on. But I refuse to give up on us or me.


M 39 W 39
T 16, M 15
S 12, 9
Sep 07/26/14
11/02/14 W decides to file, has not yet
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