Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
Hey Shining,

Quote:
I am upset that when I thought I was just being friendly, that I was obviously giving off an impression that I was interested in more. I dissected the conversation to figure out when it changed and why. I still don't know. Now I'm questioning my entire set of social skills. I used to feel so safe as part of a couple. Now I feel vulnerable and unprotected.


Please don't assume you were putting off "more" vibes... there are a lot of predators who can sniff out and target people in crisis, distress, etc... people who are vulnerable... and prey on them.

Know what I mean??


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
Shining,

The man told you he had issue with your pores. Think about this. I realize this isn't particularly compassionate, however your h isn't the picture of stability. UR is right. We have all heard some variation of what your h said- including the " you are crazy" from an admittedly unstable person.

Here. Let me share a smile with you. Ex Mr. GB said he knew (one of many profound moments, apparently) we were over the day I used a "sales voice." I do work in sales:-). And I thought it was the way I ate tacos? Or that I bought groceries on sale? Surely, you have a tiny smile on your face at all of that logical thinking.

Hope the week goes well for you. I'm ready for you to go out Derek Jeter style on one of these second round interviews. Standing ovation and all:-).

Hang in there! You've totally got this.

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 09/30/14 02:28 AM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
S
Shining Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
uR, it is such a hard thing, this detaching. It helps to hear it's normal that I'm not there yet. Thank you. I do keep thinking others' stuff is my fault. It's one of the complaints H had that I own other peoples stuff. I gotta get this thing. Concept is there, but I don't live it yet.

T, thank you for reminding me. I've been told that before, the predator thing....I have a hard time recognizing it. I have been told I'm too trusting and optimistic, and I'm an easy target. But I didn't worry about that for a long time. Now I add the vulnerability factor and I may as well be wearing a flashing light with a sign.

GB, thanks for the laughs, and the reminders of their craziness. If I were to try to explain to anyone outside of this board, what happened to my H, it would result in the same "nodding, smiling" face people make when a child describes their imaginary friend. No one gets it. No one believes this is real. Man, oh man....it's very real.

So, our dance...we'll have a few texts here and there, but it's been much darker lately. Then typically, I get angry or sad and need to pull back, and I stop responding. Then he'll send something very strategic....like a medical update. He sure knows how to suck me in, dang it.

I believe he is going to need the D as another layer that has to be accomplished before he can look inward. I'm preparing myself as much as possible.

Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,368
Likes: 7
Detaching is the hardest concept because it is counterintuitive to what you feel you should be doing. I couldnt get it for a long time.

I would tell posters..but, I love him..you want me to just abandon him? Then I finally learned the greatest act of love was for me to let him go. Hard? Hellz yea..but, necessary - for him and for me.

Owning other people's stuff? Oh man, was I good at that. It got to be a running joke in my family. They'd say, "No worries, Ur will take the blame for it." Yea. Not good. I learned to only own my stuff because it made sense after awhile. I am only responsible for my words and actions.

I think trusting and optimism are wonderful traits. Too much of anything may not be good, but, a nice balance is. So, something to work on if you feel you should.

Yea, you are doing the dance for sure. So, when do you think you are going to get tired of that? smile.

Letting go doesnt mean giving up. It doesnt mean you dont care. It means you care very much. It says that you love him so much that you are willing to let him figure this out on his own. When you do, his actions and words will not affect yours.

S, figure out who you want to be. Try to be her everyday. Try to remember that this was a journey he was meant to go on.

Now you get to start yours, too.

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
S
Shining Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
Quote:
I would tell posters..but, I love him..you want me to just abandon him?


THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT FEELS!!!

So, I fall into the trap of thinking what kind of wife would abandon her H after he clearly has illness, suicide attempt....and I tell myself he needs me. And this is so wrong, but my habit was to hold his hand through everything and be at his side no matter what. And I thought, and acted as though, without me, he can't do it.

And now...it's all reversed. WITH me he can't do it.

I didn't cause his MLC, but I didn't allow him to learn things his way. I had the answers. I researched everything, so I always knew (in my mind). I knew the directions. I knew about the people we would meet, and what they like to talk about. Why didn't I let him learn these things for himself? I honestly thought I was helping like a good assistant....but I was denying him the opportunity to learn on his own.

We were so dependent on each other, in different ways. And I loved that. I thought we complimented each other perfectly. But now it's gone. And that dependency didn't serve me well. It now has me lost.

I like being trusting and optimistic. But it isn't balanced at times. I would rather assume all is ok, which is good, until it's to the point of denying or fooling myself when something does need to be addressed.

I really have to get myself busy. I have to get him out of my head. Yep. I didn't ask for this. But I am here. And you're right. It's time to start my journey.

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 813
Good luck & GOD bless on you interviews

GOD bless you on detaching...I'm struggling with this also.

Let's take it 1 minute at a time:)


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
S
Shining Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
Thank you, 2B.

Detachment...who new it was so important and yet so difficult. I have to come to terms with the reality, and I don't want to. And I'm stuck.

I'm at the point where I feel that detaching also means losing hope....as in, I have to give up hope to get to detachment. I know is isn't true, but it feels like the necessary step.

I feel stuck.

Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
Shining,

You are not giving up on hope. You need to look at it a different way. Do you want to stay married to this person as they are right now? Probably not. You want to give up on how this person is right now. Your hope is this person will grow and come out of their personal fog and become a person who you want to be with again. So don't loose hope for the future, just give up on the present.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
S
Shining Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
Thank you, LT, I hadn't thought of it that way. Separating my old H from who he is now...that can be easy or difficult, depending on who shows up... crazy

I'm pretty sure he is he//bent on filing, since nothing so far has made him feel better. It's really the only thing left. I'm not wanting to act "as if" , and help create the result, but I don't think anything I'm doing will have an effect on what he does one way or the other right?

What he doesn't realize, and we haven't even talked about since he throws the D word out like a chicken thru text.... Is that we will not have a friendship if we are D. I don't see how I can.

I know some people continue standing after D. Just like the ow thing, I suppose I won't know how I will handle it until and unless I'm there.

Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 641
There are many things in life where we feel we will stand one way until we find ourselves in that situation. I was anti abortion until about a week ago. When you find out your 18 year old is pregnant and you know she and boyfriend are not even close enough to mature to handle it you can quickly rethink your position on a lot of things. So, don't worry about what your position will be in the future. The future will take care of the future. Decide what your position is right now with what you are presently faced with.I am faced with similar and expect to be divorced by the end of the year. If I worry about the future I will just get heartburn and an ulcer.


Twisting on Life's Rope
Me53
W53
M20
D21 D19 D16
BD 2-2013
D final 1-2015
_________________________
"Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard