Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
S
Shining Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
Matt, I don't know that my H feels any more or less guilt than your W. It's impossible for anyone to ever know, besides them and God. She may feel differently than she lets you see. But that doesn't have to affect how you live YOUR life. It really doesn't. But only you can decide that, and be open to seeing it differently. Until then, it will affect you. I can see it hurting you.

We'll drive ourselves crazy trying to attach motives and reasons, because it's all speculation anyway. They don't think like us right now. We don't see the world through their eyes. They don't see it through ours. They just can't right now. They're coping differently. That's why we're supposed to focus on ourselves. We can't fix it. But this time doesn't have to be wasted. I believe this with everything I have.

I journal, I write about conversations, and I naturally wonder what's going on with H. It's part of my process. But I don't stay there as long anymore because it doesn't serve me well. So, now I try my best to let the feeling pass through.

When I track things and listen when H rambles, I can post it here for feedback. If it helps someone, great. If I get advice and a different perspective for me? Even better.

Others here can sift through my junk and point things out that I can't see. In order to learn and grow, I have to be open to their opinions, and choose take them or leave them.

Hang in there, Matt. And really try to hear what the vets are saying. Did you hear about the bacon on the other side????

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Journal update:


Well....I received a text this morning, and it shows a pretty good example of the level of blame H is currently at...or..."the new spew."

It's not bad. It's not really at me. But it's still focused outward, of course. It can't be him.

A bit of background, first.

My kids are perfect. Flawless. Ok, I'm kidding. Of course they're not. They're kids, and they're human. I'm trying to convey that I'm not just mom boasting cluelessly about her kids....they certainly have their faults.

My life experience has been with thousands of kids, ranging all across the board of different ages and backgrounds. I am fortunate to have a vast perspective. Based on that, I believe that mine are truly pretty exceptional.

They are kind, respectful, loving, smart, funny, connected....and H fell in love with them easily. They all had their own unique R with him. He used to tell people in many ways, they were the kids he always wanted. Even in recent years, he continued to say this. He used to say D13 was the daughter he never had....awkward, since he has a D19.....

My ILs also commented on my kids, and how impressed they were. Teachers, coaches, other parents from parties, etc. I'm fortunate that they have not once been in any trouble ....knock on wood. I'm very proud of them.

So, when the chit starting going south, many different things were thrown into the blame soup.

My parenting style was different than his. He was more knit-picky regarding the quality of work regarding their chores. I was more concerned with their intent, did they really try their best, and teaching them, "ok, here's where this can improve next time". I didn't want shaming and fear to play into stuff for them. Ever again.

I started to feel H expected unreasonable standards.....professional landscape quality of lawn-care from a 13 year old, as well as professional housecleaning level oops-you-missed-a-speck. I understand teaching and improving, obvious mistakes or oversights. But I began to insert myself when I felt the line of appropriate expectation was crossed into shaming.

H said I was too easy on them. In the last years, H went so far to say they were completely disrespectful, lazy, spent too much time on computer, and I am letting them destroy their lives by not holding them accountable. Wwhhhhaaaatttt???

I now see that was possibly projecting, because my kids are thriving nicely, so far.... while his are struggling, they have a different attitude about life in general, and have many self-destructive behaviors. IMO.

My SIL is a counselor. She knows H well. She used to bring up concerns to me that H could likely be jealous, and she worried about his regrets regarding his kids. I didn't understand then.

I see so many things differently now. I could have handled things much differently. I see now how he was feeling. I was very protective of how my kids were treated. Old baggage, I suppose.

So, after the card exchange, and my no-hug....which was an obvious 180, I got this today:


H: You looked great yesterday. It's hard for me to see you. We could have been so good. But we can't be a couple. There is so many things that can't be undone and I will never forget. I'm not angry but I must force my self to separate away from the things that made me and S21 so miserable.

You know I like kids and am generally good with kids but I no longer will no longer consider anyone with kids under their roof after what I went through. Never again. I feel very taken advantage of and I can't go that road again. Again I'm not mad anymore.... It just is and those are my boundaries.

(He is famous for saying, "it is what it is". I always hated that, seemed like a cop-out to me.)

Hmmm. Spinning, spinning, spinning.... I'm out the way smile.

I remember coming on here, and wanting to find commonalities in behaviors and conversations, until I could figure this out.

I still can't figure this out. Which means...I may be figuring this out. Right?

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
Quote:
It's just hard for me to see her at all thinking/feeling anything close to hurt or guilt over what she is doing and I also see that in many other sitchs.


Matt, your W and mine have a lot of similarities, so take this possibility...she does feel guilt, maybe not remorse, that comes later... if/when they hit rock bottom.. but she ain't there yet.

My W feels a LOT of guilt, and sadness, she has said it repeatedly... so much that she is running hard and fast from those feelings, pushing them down and creating a wall around them until she can deal with it, if she ever can.

Contact with me or the kids reminds her of those feelings, what she is doing. She has to/wants to see the kids, so, guess who she HAS to drop, to AVOID overwhelm????

^^^ straight from stbxw's mouth.....

And I am glad there is little contact now, TBH... contact, especially voice or in person, slows down MY healing.

She is doing what she has to do for herself.

I am doing what I have to do for myself and our kids.

Get out of her head, it's scary in there.... and get into yours.


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,922
Shining,

You have perfect kids?? Send them for a visit:-)Mine have some flaws although I just wish people would pick their clothes up off the floor and brush their teeth. I set the bar high!!

Funny. I notice amongst many MLCers that phrase "things can't be undone" is utttered. That and "I/we can't go back." Logic speaking. The reality is that you can NEVER go back-regardless of who you are. The past is the past and it can be rewritten mentally or verbally, but you can never go back. However, they clutch on to that like a life jacket. I think that is what helps them *shedding of the old life* process. You always have to start over and that is why I think so many find it easier to run. They can write the story they choose. Just a guess.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
S
Shining Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
GB,

Wait..... What age are they supposed to start brushing their teeth??? Is that soon??

Clothes on the floor saves in furniture expenses and vacuuming, anyway. Right? Lol.

Yes, the phrases. Some of the first, and most repeated, the "we can't go back" "things can't be undone". If I had a nickel...

I agree with your theory on the shedding. It helps me feel like it makes sense, anyway.

It really is interesting as a "study" kinda thing, this MLC. The clothing choices are particularly baffling, especially your case study. I'm picturing my H new bachelor pad and attempting to "entertain".... And I can't get the image out of my head, of the old SNL skit with Steve Martin and Dan Akroyd as "two wahld and crazeh gahzs!!!" That's kinda twisted.

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
You know - when they are in crisis, they try to find a reason, an excuse, why they had to leave - something that makes them not feel so bad about themselves.

I've heard a lot of ridiculous things (me ex told me I walked too heavy. One woman here was told it was because she was too fat - at 5'8" 124 lbs!!!)

Clearly, if your H used to say those kinds of things about your kids, he didn't really cheat because of the kids. Yes, step-parenting is hard, and some people don't realize that as step-parents, they have to step back and defer to the bio parent's parenting style. And there may well have been conflict between the two of you once his kids also entered the mix. But none of that is really what's going on here, it's just a smoke screen.

In addition, his comment about your D being the "D he always wanted".......well, that's just weird, given the circumstances. Makes me wonder how much of his affection for your kids was real, and how much was "the act".

My sister's first husband was/is a sociopath - not an obvious one, but a sociopath nonetheless (read The Sociopath Next Door for a good description). One of his characteristics was a chameleon-like ability to blend in - he seemed like such a loving husband with all the same interests as my sister, but behind her back he complained bitterly about her and he never continued any of those interests once they split. (Now he's working on getting married a fourth time, and just doesn't understand why his fiancee is upset that he conveniently omitted telling her about his third marriage - the only one he didn't have kids from, so I guess he thought he could get away without mentioning it??? lol).

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
S
Shining Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
Kml,

MLC?? Excuses? Yep....remember my pores? Lol.

The reasons for our S changed so often... H big complaint, "deal-breaker" in MC back in January, was that I was "against" his S21.

S21 and I actually got along very well. We had great talks. He confided in me often, and sought me for advice. He trusted me. We disagreed about his behaviors, and general household respect. S21 was used to a house that swore often (in front of my kids) and threw things in anger. I did not want that in my house. That was our impasse.

H did not address this, instead blamed me, and I felt betrayed and unprotected. Before S21 moved in, H was completely different. I probably was, too. Whether it was due to S21, H, or me, the overall chemistry changed big time. Something triggered then. Idk.

At the time of MC in January, nothing had begun to be addressed yet. Also, my issues with S21 were not complicated, and were easily fixable. S21 and I have since worked through them. (S21 experienced the H crazy spewing, I wasn't there to blame, and suddenly I'm not seen as so bad.)

H said I had anger issues. That one threw me a bit... I didn't believe I did. No yelling, name-calling, I don't get confrontational. But, in the recent years, whenever I disagreed with him, H said I scared him. "I'm scared of you right now." I believe he did feel that way. I don't believe I caused it. Not anymore.

Pretty much every excuse H used at the time of S or suicide attempt, has been either fixed, or removed from his life. Time will tell if he ever looks inward.

Pre MLC? H said I was too hard on myself, and I often owned other's problems. Agreed and valid.

Here's a wrench.....

On 2 separate occasions, (suicide attempt and S) my SIL and a close friend, mentioned to me the possibility of H being in a sort of "crisis" before I came into the picture. They wondered if it's possible that he was interrupted by our R, and now he may be back into it.

I don't discuss our sitch with anyone. I don't even see them anymore.

I wasn't here to see how H was before I was here, obviously....so who knows.

H family... 4 parents and 4 sibs....all said he came out of a "low point" when he met me. They were so happy to have the "old H" back again. I heard that all the time. He was smiling and joking again. Was I a bandaid? How awful of a thought.

Who knows. I can only deal with what I have today, I guess.

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
So have you started on the second part of my evil little exercise? It's perfectly okay if you haven't yet smile


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
S
Shining Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
T,
The childhood before-loss happy place? I have thought about it. I'm having trouble defining it, though. It's not an obvious thing for me, such as summers at a cabin.

The list of 20 things about myself from my childhood.... I just need to write them, but that one seems easy for me.

So, I felt the lasso....

Time to put away the crazy and focus on me, huh... Dang, I get sucked in easily.

Hope is my drug of choice these days.

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
Well, you've been through a lot with the house closing and all the past few days, it was just a gentle reminder smile

Maybe just go with the list, but picture that girl/young woman (this is where old photos really help)... what did she look like? What did she do on a rainy Saturday afternoon?? Get the picture?

I'm punny, sometimes...

smile

Last edited by TSquared2; 09/24/14 06:19 PM.

In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
S
Shining Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 910
Ok.

Picture, huh....hmmmmm. I know where those are. I'll get the picture....ugh.

She was kinda cute, in a bouncy kinda hot-mess Tigger-way. Spunky little thing. Talked to strangers all the time.... Singing, dancing, wore dresses in the sandbox, played equally with dolls and plastic army men.... Messy room, but when she cleaned, it was spotless. Not a care in the world and everyone everywhere was always happy, as far as she knew, lol. Cue the Disney music.

I'll finish my list and post later.

I'm about to get my "Interview Costume" on. I'll bring my self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth today, too.

Now, where did I just see those ....gotta be here somewhere.... smile

Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard