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Hey girl. I am sorry you are feeling stuck. It happens on this journey.

So, I see you falling into old habits. You did everything for him so if was your fault he didnt learn on his own? He has to be responsible for his actions. Maybe you could have had less control. But we do what is comfortable for us in our relationships. It wasnt done on purpose. You loved him. You did your best at the time.

Dont get ahead of yourself worrying about whether you can stand in the future or not.

If someone would have told me I would find out my h was having an affair and I would stand for a couple of years, I would have told them they were crazy. Yet that's what I did.

It's best to take this one step at a time.

I dont believe that you have to give up hope to get to detachment. It just means that you are going to live your life. It means that you are going to move forward with it. All without regard to what he is doing.

The way I saw it was this. He was going to do what he was going to do. Whether we got divorced immediately or not, I still had to live my life. So, I figured I may as well get to doing that. I still had hope, but, it was tucked away safely in my heart.

The following helped me a lot:


To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else
To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means that the outcome is not in my hands
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destiny
To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept
To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it
To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future
To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more

Detachment is the:

Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational
Giving another person the space to be himself
Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people
Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person
Developing and maintaining a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life
Establishing emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence
Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering
Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling
Placing all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point
Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them
Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be"
Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

Last edited by uRworthy; 09/30/14 08:42 PM.
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^^^^^^THAT^^^^^^

Is incredibly helpful. Thank you!

I scared myself this past weekend, with the sadness. I don't want to be there anymore. I made some other good plans for myself. My momentum is picking up again. Today I am more focused on what I have.

My older boys and I talked for a long time today, and yesterday. They were very respectful, but they did say they're concerned about me.

They're worried because they'll be leaving the nest soon, and I've been pretty down lately. I didn't think I did this, but they said I cry at some point, everyday. If that's how they see it, then that's all that matters.

It's not that I lay around crying all day, not even close...but I probably do have teary moments each day, as things come up.

This conversation was very positive. I am lucky they come to me with their concerns. But I also recognize they need to see me happier and moving forward, in order for them to move forward, confidently. That fact alone, is enough to propel me into further detachment.

I've been doing better today. My S18 and I worked out together at the gym. Then I came back and finally tackled my file drawers that have been staring at me for months.

I've been avoiding organizing these documents, because it brings up so much from our M....house, boat, cars, medical.....ambulance. frown But, I did it. And it wasn't as bad as I thought. I'm putting the past "stuff" in it's own place, separate from the "now". It was kinda symbolic.

I have not looked at my phone much today. Still playing word games off and on. I'm starting to believe now, that our M as it was, is truly over. Time to prepare to be alone, and leave the door cracked open for a while.

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So glad you are feeling a bit better. S, it is ok to feel as you do. This is enormous...this crisis. It is life altering and heart breaking. You have been punched in the gut.

You are grieving the loss of your marriage. Doesnt mean you wont have a better marriage one day. It just means that this marriage, as you knew it, is no more. That is sad.

My friend, TVS, teases me about this. I am always talking to her about the possibilities.

It is possible for you to one day have an amazing relationship with your h. It is possible for you to become who you once were and who you want to be. It is possible for you to be happier than you have ever been.

Possibilities are endless. smile

I think that you try to fight how you feel. I am not sure why. I think part of it is that you feel you are failing in some way. You arent. This has to play out. You have to go through the feelings. In fact the only way to do this is through it. No way around it.

You miss him. You love him. You feel badly for him. You are angry with him. All valid feelings, S.

So feel them. When you are ready, let them wash over you. Eventually, you will be able to let them go.

You are so fortunate that your son opened up to you. My son keeps everything in. For a long time, I blamed myself. (Yep, I told you, everything was my fault). It's what he saw growing up.

I will tell you that my son has said to me, "Mom, I knew that I didnt have to worry about you so I could live my life. Thank you for that."

It's ok for them to see you sad. It's a sad thing. But you also want to show them how to navigate through life's tough stuff. It's a balance.

Good for you for getting through those documents.

You are doing great, S. You really are. Keep going.

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I am getting going, uR! Much better day today. Whew!!!

So the "fighting how I feel".... Again, I'm so busted. You scare me....sometimes I have to look around and see if you're in my apartment and you can see me.....

In my weekend pity-party, and when I'm crying to the point of nonsense babbling, yeah...I think some kind of failure-oriented words come out of my mouth....I sobbed to the boys and told them "I'm so sorry, I tried to give us such a better life, and then it all went away...and I failed." Then my S18 says, "Mom, you DID give us that life. We had everything, and the important stuff is still here." Then I'm even more of a sloshy mess, of course. You get it.

TVS... I'll have to check out her posts. Anyone who teases you is probably a pretty fun friend:). Speaking of possibilities....I'm not trying to cause trouble wink ....but, have you heard anything recently from the (affectionately-termed, and notorious) tunnel hugger?

S18 and I will be in NYC on the 15th and through the weekend smile.

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Hey there. OK, short and sweet. Detachment takes time. That's the bottom line. The amount of time depends on your thought process. If you think about removing yourself from the craziness and hurt, I think it helps you along. If you continue to think, "what if.." and "I wish I..." "I/We could have..." you know, all that fun stuff, that makes it more difficult. You have to step outside an look in. Forget the past (while in a tough spot). Think about the dumb, hurtful things he has done recently. Remind yourself that you don't want that and you don't deserve to be part of that.

The next part of detachment is attitude. And, girl, you've got that in the bag. Check that off the list. You are positive, upbeat, fun-loving, kind, compassionate, motivated, funny... should I go on?

Bottom line, Shining- it is going to take time and perspective. You are half-way there. You have perspective. You will find a way to think of the things that will help you along.

Tough times will become less and shorter. I know I am not an expert at this, but I was really getting there before nuke. I've been through two different bombs. Again, I am not an expert and others have way more experience and insight, but I feel that you are on the right path.

We will continue this journey to peace and happiness... OR I'LL BE DA.... you get my drift.

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Maybe not so short and sweet.... I am such a motor mouth. Or wait... I'm still working on a name for my talkative fingers.

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Shining I am so not an expert in the detachment department except I do know it takes time. I'm a year in and I don't think I'm even close- but when I look back I've come a long way.
Sometimes I feel like an onion- peel away a layer and detach from that. Then go through the whole grief cycle and detach at the next layer.

For those of us that are fixers and used to " making things happen" no matter what- it's d@mn hard to wait in something to occur and have no ability toive it along. I get it. Can't help because I'm not there yet either.
But I can walk beside you!!


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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I like that post, Mighty...good stuff. Removing yourself from the craziness...I like. smile.

Your son sounds amazing, S. Ok, so did you hear what he said? wink

TVS is a special lady. One of my dearest friends and funny as hel#.

Oh boy, you guys are going to have so much fun. Are you getting a plan together of where you want to go?

As my son is 23, and ex lives 5 hours away, there isnt much interaction between me and the tunnel hugger. LOL! But when there is, it is mind boggling. I will have to go and find some of our convos and post them to you. They really are entertaining. smile.



Last edited by uRworthy; 10/01/14 02:27 AM.
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Shining, I’ve been reading your recent posts and I can relate in so many ways. After the BD I also tried to get out of the house, and at that time I didn’t have friends in town where I live. I traveled for work for so many years, that I didn’t establish any connections where I lived. It was always H who was doing things with. And I was OK with that. After the BD I found myself very lonely. Well, my sister and family live here, but they have their own life and she would not go out with me. So, at first I went out by myself, and it was uncomfortable. I had a lot of attention from the guys, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it in my new reality. I figured it out pretty quickly. I just tell them like it is, that I’m going through a separation and that I’m not looking for a new relationship. I tell them that we can be friends, but nothing more. Well, this doesn’t always work this way. I have some guys who are friends, but who don’t give up the hope that they can be more than that eventually. If it gets too uncomfortable, I just stop socializing with them.

I’m also in the same boat with the detachment. I think if I detach more, I will have no more hope. Actually, I feel like I will just not care anymore and it scares me.

This caught my attention from uR’s post about detachment:
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling

I think if I detach enough, there will be no more love for H on my part. I will just not care anymore. Which will achieve the goal to stop hurting, but it will close the door to any hope of reconciliation. I’m not there yet, in terms of complete detachment. But I feel it every day, that my love for H is diminishing. I guess I will know what it feels like at the end when I get there.

Shining, I’m glad you are feeling better. And you are fortunate to have your wonderful kids.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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daring, yes! I get the onion layer thing...I have a meltdown, then I'm a little more detached each time. To put in perspective....I have been pretty much fighting detachment for months, and preferring "glued to H side no matter how crazy"..... Imagine how attached I was BEFORE MLC..... Pretty much Siamese twins. I'll get there.

uR, yep. My S18 is a remarkable kid, IMO. YYYEEEAHHHHHHH, I HEARD HIM. HES RIGHT. >sigh<

Since he's never been to NYC, we're staying right in Times Square. He has to have that experience at least once smile.

His list is pretty simple. Statue of Liberty is the priority. Second is seeing a band. He wants to walk the streets and immerse himself in the culture, sounds, sights, and (a cough, cough) smells. sick

I'll probably take him to the top of The Rock. We're pretty laid-back, and we don't tend to over-schedule. We like to take our time and see where the day takes us. Open for suggestions, tho!!!!

Are you still in Brooklyn? I have a friend who just signed her first lease there. She's so excited!!!

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