Wife having emotional affair part 2

[3kids]

25years,

Anger= yes I have found a technique that works for me. Also not reacting to everything that happens and thinking before I react.

Chronic stressor= I take the kids when ever she needs me to for school or work. I found the only insurance that would cover our family so she could stay in school(I pay for it). I helped her move into the old house so she would only have to pay utilities for the next six to eight months. I pay over my state allowed child support.

Her school and working= I was working 50 to 60 hours plus taking care of the kids full time. Like single dad full time. So that was a big stressor for both of us.

Stoping complimenting her= she stopped dressing up around me. And sometimes gave me odd looks. But I still do give her compliments as far as the rest of life goes.

Glossing over my stuff= not anymore. I am really working on what I can do to help this relationship.

Nursing plans= Yes they where our way out of financial problems. Let it be known I supported my wife and kids while she wanted to be a stay at home mom up and till 2 to 3 years ago. My income is enough to support a normal family life. We where fine until we had to bail out her mom for committing embezzlement. And we had to refinance our home to do so. I think this is why the wife had to be a superwoman.

Yes I am still her husband. So I will help her no matter what. Just so you know 25years. I am not trying to put her up or down or me at that point. But so you can understand everything. I met my wife when she was 17 and just had a baby with an abusive boyfriend(she was still in high school and this is my adopted oldest). She moved in with me and I supported both of them. I purchased our first house for us. But when her mom and dad got a divorce because of the embezzlement we bought there house. This is when I found an awesome job that pays great and gives me all sorts of flexibility. So I could afford everything with all three kids and new home and she could do what she wanted and be a stay at home mom. But when we had to refinance she was forced to go back to an old job. That is when she decided to become a nurse. And I supported it. When financial issues came up we started to get into credit card debt and that's when it started. We started fighting more and loss of affection came from both of us. It was decided she would work more and I would take care of the kids more. This is when she started to not feel like a mom anymore and I got angry because I felt I was taking care of the family full time with out any help. What I didn't know was how she truly felt. That's when we should have had good communication skills.

How am I demonstrating= first short sale the old house. I made a promise to help her do what ever I could while she went to school. Showing unconditional love. Taking care of the kids and all there expenses. Rearranging my work schedule to help out more.

Job and insurance= November we can reup for health coverage. My company will have insurance in January. If it does not meet my needs, then I will look for a different job.

The dream house= is half the house and half the payment. And yes I in a way did get it after because of her. But it also does help me out money wise. Bankruptcy is all on me. Because she has no credit. So all the cars, credit cards, and loans where under my name. And I just can't afford them.

House= I did offer for her to come home but only if she dropped other man. I offered the old house because she declined me and was thinking about moving in with OM. It is cheaper for her because she only has to pay utilities.


You said I could avoid doing some stuff. What could that be and what could I be doing more of. I did talk to her tonight. I extend and offer to figure out something about the doctors. She is calling me back after I get off work tonight. So we will see what happens.

Thank you 25years this is what I needed!

[3kids]

Well, not finished with the 5 love languages book just yet but very very good book.

Had an interesting conversation with the wife last night. You all have said to keep the road paved home smooth. Well I guess I did that maybe last night. The wife called and was talking about her living situation and money and work. So I offered like 25years said to live at my place. She asked about all the bills and I said I had them covered(like a real husband would if his wife was going to school). She mentioned how she loved my place(positive). We where talking about my company not giving me a raise in the last couple of years or insurance. In which I validated by saying I am working with them on both and if not I would have to find a different job that would support our family. Validated her feelings and even told her that I would put her first(something that I have never done with all my heart). In which I should have done a long time ago! What's the saying "if moma isn't happy no ones happy". So maybe there is a positive. I don't know about her and OM. But she brought it all up so who knows. Sticking to my boundaries.

Patience patience and patience work on me and keep some hope.

[sandi2]

Sticking to my boundaries.

What are your boundaries about her living with you (all expenses paid) while she continues contact with OM?

[3kids]

No contact with OM sounds good to me.

[3kids]

See Sandi she already knows this is what I would want if she moved back in. So it is up to her if she could cut the ties with him. I know I can only control myself and the pain I go through. So I couldn't live with her being in contact with the OM. Is she willing to do that, I don't know. But how you approach her with that. Is another concern. If she were to go that route, which I don't think she is ready to do yet or maybe at all. It's a hard line between keeping the road paved easy and not controlling you spouse and your own feelings. Not being a dormat. If she wanted to come back at all.

[25yearsmlc]

And or, getting her some help... Did you say she cancelled the doctor appointment b/c she/you could not afford it?

I'd love to see both of you to get some IC and your wife for her specific illness...

I think you both need tools you presently lack, and from what you've said about her family's background, I think I can see why that is for her.

What was Your family of origin like? How did you see forgiveness modeled in your family and childhood?

As for your wife, did she see "forgiveness" by watching her dad divorce her mother when the mom's legal problems came up?

I'm probably missing chunks of that story, but a divorce struck me as an odd choice for her dad to make while his wife was facing jail time.

And what happened to her parents after the divorce, and to the mom after the embezzlement charge? What did YOU pay for then?

I got confused with the mil's legal woes, and your financial problems. How did they mix?

Knowing these^^ things will help me advising.

Sandi brings up a good point. IF your w moves back in with you, are there any conditions to that?

If Not, then you are merely putting yourself in a very untenable position in which you are actively supporting your wife while she goes out with OM.

I'm NOT telling you to give her an ultimatum.

I'm just asking how you are helping your wife (b/c if you recall, MY focus was on getting her professional help, WHILE you work on yourself too)...I cannot tell you certain ways to get her back.

I CAN tell you this:

if you support your wife in a way that enables her to be with OM, you are not helping your marriage. She has to respect you, and she also has to believe that she could be forgiven by you, (assuming certain things happen eventually).

If you invite her to return home and add NO conditions to that, you're setting both of you up for a further deterioration of the M & merely punting the issue of OM down the field.

So I'd rather her go discover that the grass is not greener with OM out on her own dime and not in your face, and then try to return home with a newly appreciative hard won approach with sincere effort on getting well,

than have her in the home, dating OM, with you probably flaking out and or losing your temper ---and then both of you being miserable AND delaying the teachable moments that might have happened if she'd been on her own.

BALANCED against all that^^, is the issue of her mental health and yours.

I sense depression and confusion in both of you, and in her case, an anxiety disorder that can be crippling at times.

You can't just "black & white" your way through all of this. It's not as simple as it could be in some situations.

One of Sandi's points was that any WAW has her "Stuff" but your wife has at least 2 emotional issues, depression and an anxiety disorder,

AND an affair.

(Yes I see a connection between those^^ things, but that just underscores the importance of your wife getting help, imo)

It sounds as if she has some wacky family issues too, and given that she had a baby out of wedlock so young, and from a loser boyfriend, my guess is her upbringing was NOT very supportive to her and did not meet her needs by a long shot.

I would not think she can get a lot of healthy support from her parents, for example.

So what is your family like today? And growing up, how was conflict resolution modeled for you?

And as best you can tell, how was it shown to your wife as she was growing up?

One last thing.

I realize you wanted to give your marital history to us for context. And that helps in lots of ways.

But I also sense a scorecard or "grievance list".

When you talk about the abusive boyfriend she had and the baby you adopted, I almost got the "pygmalion" feeling from you. That's the storyline wherein you suggest that you essentially rescued her from hell, or in some way that you married down, and OR she was "lucky" to win you.

All I can tell you is that even when there is some truth to that^^ version, it almost always backfires on the "hero". The wife does NOT feel like being reminded of what a low life she was until she met you. Even if that were accurate, it has to end at some point b/c she changes and does not want to be "stuck" in your estimation, in the past. The past in which was a pregnant 17 y/o with a loser boyfriend, needs help.

She becomes a woman and achieves things and wants THAT to be the picture of her life, not her past mistakes.

I know 5-6 men who've told me they "rescued" their wives or "found her in a gutter or a trailer park" and they always have/had an "abusive ex" --

and those men are shocked when their wives leave them.

I almost get the feeling that the men married those women BECAUSE they did not believe those women would ever leave them. Yet every man I've met who has that story, (again, its only half a dozen or so) but each of those men was left by that woman. And I think the pattern is such that the wives are tired of being put down, however subtly.

Does any of this^^ ring true for you or your wife? Just food for thought.

Did you say you have a DB coach? IF so, that is great b/c I can tell you that my DB coach was a Godsend.

Regardless, keep working on getting information FROM your wife, listen well to her so you can assess how she really is doing. "Gathering intel" to assess her condition, is part of your mission for now.

I also think guilting her about being a bad mother will backfire big time on you and probably on the kids too. (Not saying you are doing that, but IF...)

The parents who "never come back" to their kids, imo, never come back b/c of shame.

Shame is not a teaching tool, it's just a bad feeling that keeps people from working on themselves, out of fear.

But I digress.

Anyhow, good luck!

[3kids]

25years here is just about her family because I'm in a bit of time crunch. I'll fill in more about me later.

Her dad's side of the family is very close. Four kids but all but one is divorced on her dad's side. Her mom was in and out of foster homes growing up. Finally finding a home with a very loving Christian family who could not have kids. They had there first kid of four at the age of seventeen and twenty, her mom being he younger. After all the kids where born they had one falling out where her dad left but they reconciled(don't know the reason). My wife was the middle child and was the under achiever. Where the other middle child was the over achiever.

The reason for the final divorce was, when the embezzlement was found out there was also a second mortgage found out that she forged all her husbands signatures. And maybe an affair happening also. This was all to much for her dad and her divorced her mom and moved far away from every one. She was trying to live a very wealthy life. Which they could not afford. Me and my wife stepped in to buy the family home for two reasons. We where the only one who could afford it at the time and we seen it as a chance to make some money if the market stayed good. Unfortunately the market crashed when we refinanced the home to bail her mom out. She was facing felony changes and prison. We managed to pay off some of the embezzlement money to keep her out of prison with the refinance money. Buying of the home helped her dad out a lot also.

As far as them showing any thing toward my wife. I know her dad is a very caring man who loves his kids and always told them that but ruled with an iron fist and would use it from time to time. Where her mom is a gift giver and that's how she showed her affection. And not by words.

More to come later.

[3kids]

I just have to say having a pre teen boy is fun. He is a little Casanova. Great athlete and the girls love him. Plus driving him every where is exhausting.

So a little about me. Both my parents grew up really really poor. My dad was the oldest of four. His dad died when he was 13. So my dad left home to find work and support the family. He was never really close to his family. My moms parents where immigrants from Germany. Great tales of how all five kids would get sent to aunts and uncles to live because her mom and dad could not feed everyone. Now understand I was a opps baby. My dad was 52 and my mom was 38 when they had me. I have a half sister from my dads first marriage that I've meet once and an older sister that's 11 years older than me. My family life was basically the loner life. I was basically an only child. My mom worked a full time job to support the family after my dad got seriously injured from the job. But he managed a little hobby farm to put food on the table. Growing up wasn't the greatest my parents where not always there for me. They did love me but could not be there for me. My mom worked in the cities, so she was never home(great job in the cities). My dad's way of life was do what I like or don't come along and I don't care. Kind loving people just didn't have all the time in the world. To this day I talk about the sports I was in high school and my mom goes you played that in high school. They where left to fend for them selves when they where young so they just assumed I would do the same. And I did, had a part time job from the age 8. My dad never had a dad so he probably didn't know how to have kids and my mom grew up with a abusive father, so they did there best. There fighting would be dad would get mad and leave or go out to the barn. While my mom would just shut down. My sister left the house I think a week after she graduated from high school. We where never really that close of a family. Still aren't, but we always have each other's back in the time of need.

I of coarse grew up a trouble kid looking for acknowledgment from my family. Got into drugs and alcohol. Spent most of my younger years in and out of jail. One night did to much partying and got into some big trouble and was looking at prison time. That was the first time my dad showed signs of caring. He bailed me out and I never did another drug in my life. Although I did still keep drinking. And I new I had a problem. Just couldn't stop. My family had all wrote me letters of concerns. Heck my sister even wrote me one letter to this day I remember word for word. Talking about my nephew and niece wanting to have an uncle for the rest of there life. But I was good, I was making great money and going to college full time(that I payed for). That was when I met my wife.

Now you said I saved her but that's far from the truth. She saved me! She showed me that life is worth living if you let people in. I swear by our second date I was in love with her. I put my self into AA when we met with out her knowing because I was ashamed of it but learnt I could control my drinking and it didn't control me(yes I do drink on occasion). I have had a few slip up through out the years but looking at my kids and wife has always brought me out of it. The last time was when I found out about OM. But not since then. And my sister drove two hours to be there for me. So we always got each other's back. Just like I had hers when she lost her nine month old baby boy to heart problems.

The hardest part of this all is that I know I wasn't the greatest husband at the end but I was pretty good before that. Just lost sight of things. The hard part is that she left me a month and a half after my dad died. I don't care who you are that's harsh. I can forgive a lot but I don't know if I'll ever forgive that.

So 25years and Sandi if that helps you out anymore on your advise. I do know reading all these books has really helped me understand a lot about myself and family. So that's a big positive! I know I'm not a jerk or a hero. I just lacked the right skills to be the best husband I could have been. Being a dad is easy just the opposite of what my dad did for me. Ha ha, no he just lacked those skills. I miss him and he would have had great advise on this whole situation. He lived through it once. Except his was to dis functional for me to even start.

25years I don't have a coach. I did one session and that's all I could afford at the time. So I do really and I mean really appreciate all yours and Sandi's advise. And everyone else's as well. Thank you so much!

[3kids]

25years she did cancel the appointment. I really don't know why. She gave the excuse it was because she wanted to try to do it on her own with yoga and other forms. Also stated that we had to pay off a dentist bill first.

Personally I think it all stems from not having the kids. If I think back most of the times she calls with these attacks is when she doesn't have the kids and OM is not around. That's about 75% of the time when she calls. She has called on the rare occasion when she does have them also.

I did offer to pay for it. And take care of her. In her time of need. And since then her demeanor towards me has changed. I even got some odd Pinterest texts last night from her on stuff she wanted to build.

[PatientMan]

• Focus on creating the best life possible for you and your children.
• Accept your W for who she is right now instead of wishing she was who she used to be or trying to make her into someone she is not.
• Set and enforce boundaries for your own good.
• Be an honorable man.
• Be a man only a fool would leave.
• Be yourself - and keep working on becoming the best version of yourself possible.
• Keep the road paved home smooth.
• LEAD your family - make sure it is as healthy and intact as possible. She is welcome to join you if she wants.

-PM