In limbo, need to figure out next steps (thread #5

[shodan]

I have no idea whether or not my wife is still in her A. The evidence that I have would be enough to find her guilty in a civil court, but not sure in a criminal court (95% probability, beyond a reasonable doubt). I am very confident that something happened with the OM but it could have been very short lived. She went from spending 4-6 days per week in NYC, being super cold towards me, etc. back in June/July to being warmer towards me, trying to connect with me in conversation and only spending 8-9 nights away from home in the past 7-8 weeks. This clearly could be cake eating, but the substantial decrease in nights away from home/in NYC is pretty telling (more than 60% of her time to less than 20% of her time).

Despite writing this, I am not trying to think too much about her and the A. I just thought the data was interesting to analyze.

All I can do is move forward, be a great dad and work on me. Her journey is in God's hands. I cannot control her.

[Ahoy]

Wow, shodan, just caught up on your situation -- your timeline is close to mine, except my H moved out back in August. I think you're doing a great job, and in spite of what you said about friends on my thread, it sounds as if you do have friends with whom you connect. You also sound like you are in a good place at the moment, and focused on what you should be -- yourself and your kids.

My H also won't admit to an A, even though signs point in that direction. I suspect it's either because he doesn't want to admit to being "the bad guy" by cheating, or perhaps because he doesn't trust his decision and wants to be able to run back to me if that relationship doesn't pan out. The hardest part is trying not to care whether he's in an A or not. It doesn't really make a difference. His feelings toward me have changed, regardless of the impetus, and all I can do is focus on me and my daughter. Everything else is beyond my control.

Anyway, just wanted to give you some encouragement. Keep up the good work!

[shodan]

Thanks ahoy. When I start to feel down, I just remind myself that she is in God's hands now. I cannot control her, her feelings and her decisions. Where I struggle from time to time is detaching. We live together, we have kids together, etc. Further, she is showing signs and taking action to be in NYC less and less (NYC is where the OM is). Right now, she won't be there again for another two weeks, which would put her almost three weeks between trips. Not exactly the recipe for a hot A.

Last night we somehow started talking. I came back from a work event and then while in bed, she asked how it was. One thing led to another and she mentioned that her best friend has been telling her that my W is the worst communicator. Her friend has been telling her that her lack of communication is one of the main reasons behind our situation right now. My W never told me how she felt and expected me to read her mind. I joked and said that mind reading is a super power that I have not developed yet.

I just need to be patient and focus on me. If I had to guess, my W does want to work on the M but is very unsure of me and my changes. I of course cannot show her Plan A Shodan but need to continue to be nice, kind, confident, strong ad non-controlling in my behaviors.

[shodan]

Heading to see my IC now. Always good to have someone to talk to although he does not understand affairs. But he is good for me for working on my stuff.

[shodan]

Doing a pretty good job of GALing but need to do more. Detaching is hard because we are in the same house. But I do see some changes in my wife...less focused on traveling to NYC and more focused on the family.

Just need to be patient and move forward. Have no idea how she feels and frankly not sure how I feel either.

[shodan]

We had a great weekend for the most part. We did some family stuff together and then Sunday went to an impromptu party at a friend's house. My W and I were hanging out together a but with some other people and having fun. Later that night, I said to my W "On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is awesome, our M is a 1 right now, yet we had a lot of fun together. Imagine what would happen if we actually worked on our M." She said that she thought the same thing today.

However, unfortunately I am 100% confident that my W is still in her A. But I also sense that she is confused. She has said a few things to me about our M and not being sure what to do and how to work on it. She has expressed remorse for not working harder on our M, not communicating her thoughts and feelings to me, etc. But, I frankly am starting to care less and less. While we an have fun and I personally believe that we have the ingredients to have a great M, with every passing day during which she is in this A and giving her love to someone else, my affection for her wanes. I take full responsibility for my actions that led up to where we are today. But she has so much work to do earn back my trust, assuming she ends the A. And I think my W is way too stubborn to admit to what she did/is doing (if she actually ends it).

So what will I do: continue to detach and GAL. I have a lot of work stuff this week, lots of meetings and calls. I have a guitar lesson on Thursday and then dinner with a buddy on Friday. And then this weekend I am visiting my parents. Next week I have some business travel.

Overall, I feel good. For the past several weeks, I have not been focusing on our M and our future. I feel like I have so much more energy as a result. Trying to "fix" this M is fatiguing. She is in God's hands now.

[Bart42]

While we an have fun and I personally believe that we have the ingredients to have a great M, with every passing day during which she is in this A and giving her love to someone else, my affection for her wanes.

Good stuff, shodan. You and I both have W's with whom we actually can have a great time and get along with, which is slightly different than many of the WAW's here. The only thing I can add from my noobie's perspective is don't wait too long- once you are in a good place with the PMA and GAL and believe you will be OK without W, consider pushing W to make her decision. I was extremely reluctant to do so, but with Starsky's constant urging, I finally saw the power of the "Love Must Be Tough" approach and I firmly believe my insisting on D Mediation was what put the stress on wife's A that caused it to implode. May not save my M, but it got me out of limbo.

[shodan]

Did you file for D in order to get to mediation? Or just find a mediator directly?

[Bart42]

Before I found this forum and DB, I sent the Harley "Since you won't end the A I want a Separation" letter- I waivered a bit but finally pushed for D mediation with W because its lots quicker, easier on the kids and would cost a lot less. In my state D takes 6-12 months with lawyers and costs 5x more than mediation. She agreed to the initial session (not because she wanted the S- she wanted to cake eat) but seeing how serious I was in the session and hearing from the mediator that we could be S in a month caused her to freak and pressure OM to leave his GF- that didn't happen and that relationship imploded (hopefully for good- time will tell). I don't think HOW (file, mediate, etc.) you do it matters as much as 1) that you put pressure on and keep it on 2) telegraph that you believe you will be 100% fine with the D/S outcome (GAL, PMA). Heed MDW's advice though- this is last resort to be sure, as there is no guarantee it will work, so you have to be ready to be D/S if it doesn't work! And remember, if you make the push you have to follow through on this or you lose ALL credibility with W.

[shodan]

I spoke with one mediator today, have scheduled a meeting with a mediator on Thursday and have another call scheduled tomorrow. I know my W and I can make this amicable except for the house. Neither of us will want to leave it. The one that leaves will seem "less of the parent" even though we will have joint custody.

I have a call with my DB coach on Wednesday and was planning to ask her whether or not I should push for mediation or whether I just need to be patient, GAL and detach. But I am very tempted to text my W now and let her know about my appt and ask whether or not she can be available. I am just do done with the lies, cheating and deceit and frankly am not sure I want this M to work. It is going to take some much work on her part to earn back my trust.

Like Bart, my wife is so stubborn and to some extent hurt by my previous actions that I think she would rather D than admit to the A.