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shodan Offline OP
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Thanks. Writing this has really allowed me to see the right path. I need to move forward and focus 100% on me and my kids. I want no part of this M as it is today. She can have it. I feel for my kids, I really do, but I cannot live another day with someone who does not want me as her H. Her loss.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 585
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let go, let god!


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 182
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Originally Posted By: shodan
I want no part of this M as it is today. She can have it. I feel for my kids, I really do, but I cannot live another day with someone who does not want me as her H. Her loss.


So what does this mean? What are you doing about it?


me: 45 W:45
M 20 years
T 22 years
S14, S13, S11, D9
BD 2/28/14
D papers served 3/3/14
I moved out 3/15/14
MC start 4/2/14
I moved in 6/2/14
D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
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shodan Offline OP
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Great question. I am not moving out and neither will she. I am GALing and trying to just not be around her. My MIL is convinced that she just needs space, which I am giving her. So I plan to act somewhat like we are separated without moving out.

What confuses me is she is telling people including me that she wants to cut down on her travel. So that is where I wonder if she is trying to cut out the A. So my goal is to stay strong, be social and confident, travel more for work so I not around her. Effectively going as dark as possible while living in the same house.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 182
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Originally Posted By: shodan
What confuses me is she is telling people including me that she wants to cut down on her travel. So that is where I wonder if she is trying to cut out the A.


Shouldn't it be confusing when she actually cuts down her travel?


me: 45 W:45
M 20 years
T 22 years
S14, S13, S11, D9
BD 2/28/14
D papers served 3/3/14
I moved out 3/15/14
MC start 4/2/14
I moved in 6/2/14
D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
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shodan Offline OP
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That is the thing...she has cut down on her travel.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
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shodan Offline OP
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Another update...I did a good job of GAL AND 180s this weekend. Friday I was out with a friend but came back at a reasonable hour. Saturday we had plans with another couple for a drink. My W missing the kids so she said she did not want to go. I said it was fine and I would go without her. The old me would have wanted her to go with me. My D had a birthday party so my W was going out with just my S. Then the couple had to cancel so my evening opened up. The old me would have gone out with my W and S to dinner but the new told them to have a great time.

On Sunday I worked out with a friend rather than go to yoga with my W.

Then at night I went to bed early to watch tv and read. My W came up a few minutes later rather than stay downstairs by herself. She then started talking a ton to me. I listened but was not over active in the convo.

This week I will continue to detach and do my own thing. When I don't care what she is doing I feel more and more better. Trying to keep up the PMA.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
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shodan Offline OP
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The posts about God and prayer have really helped me. I am turning my W and her ways over to God. I cannot control her and her actions. All I can do is move forward, GAL and detach. While I want my M to work and for my W to come back to "reality" to work on our M, I also am not going to wait around for her. I believe that we can have an amazing M if we worked at it. She needs to believe this herself and my logic about the kids, our shared history, etc. will not win over her emotions.

So does this mean I am going to file? not yet. I will use the time to find myself, the old Shodan before I was married. I am reconnecting with friends, traveling more for work and finding new hobbies. At the end of this process, if my W is there and wants to work on this, great. If not, then I will be prepared for what will come, the inevitable.

I have done some research on dating after D with kids. It does not look so bad out there. While I would rather date my W, at some point I need to officially move on.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,104
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Quote:
The posts about God and prayer have really helped me. I am turning my W and her ways over to God. I cannot control her and her actions. All I can do is move forward, GAL and detach. While I want my M to work and for my W to come back to "reality" to work on our M, I also am not going to wait around for her. I believe that we can have an amazing M if we worked at it. She needs to believe this herself and my logic about the kids, our shared history, etc. will not win over her emotions.


Glad to hear it, Shodan. I too am searching for some inner peace.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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shodan Offline OP
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I continue to pray for my W, my family and everyone on this board. I am focusing more on my work, my activities and myself in general. I actually told my W that I had asked for more responsibility at work. I have been slacking these past ~four months (for good reason :)) and know that I need to get more focused. She actually responded that she would like that, would allow her to quit her job, which is causes her a ton of stress.

I know there is a lot still to do to improve me and ultimately be a better husband, whether for my W or someone else. My IC has helped me a lot with coming to grips with my control and anger issues in the past. I have identified a lot of stress triggers that can lead to control or anger tendencies on my part. I also am learning to just let things go and not worry so much.

From a detaching perspective:
- I continue to remind myself that I cannot control her
- I am not snooping or even wondering where she is
- I am not jumping to conclusions about anything
- My W seems to want to connect with me when we are around each other, but of course I see this as cake eating more than anything. I have been hurt by her too many times to believe that any positive changes actually mean something to her.

From a GAL perspective:
- Thursday I am going to an event here at my work after work, so I won't be home until late
- This weekend I have tickets for my family to see Lion King and then go to dinner afterwards. My DB coach said to do family events from time to time.
- I also am coaching soccer on Sunday and working out with a friend Sunday morning
- Next week I will have another guitar lesson and am meeting a friend for dinner on Friday night
- I assume that my W will be traveling next week to NYC so we will have some time apart from each other
- Columbus Day weekend I am going to visit my parents. My kids will be with my MIL. My wife asked if she should come with me (my mom had a severe stroke three months ago) and I said that I would be fine on my own.
- I am traveling the week after that for work for a few days

I am still trying to find that "other" activity that I can do to get me out of the house more and meet new people. A friend of mine is trying to get me to do cross fit. I thought about rock climbing but the places are not that close to me. I also was considering boxing 1-2 times per week (there is a place near my work).

Praying for everyone and sending lots of love.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
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