Ok, in keeping with the journaling of events and progress, here are a couple of posts that disappeared from the update last weekend:
Friday, September 19, 2014
House papers are all signed. I'm sad. At the same time, I don't want the house. I know this has to happen. I have accepted this, and so much more now.
I saw H last night, finishing last walk-through for house. I'm still processing. This board helps me do that...wow, it is a gift to have this, and you all.
I'm not 100% detached, but I will say, I am more awake to the reality of all this, than I have been since February. I was calm, patient, didn't let anything bother me, didn't pursue in any way. I didn't feel like it. I also felt more confident, and reminded myself often of things on my list. I was reminding myself that I'm ok regardless of any of these circumstances. Who I am, and my worth....those can't be taken away. I talked to myself in a much better way than I usually do. It made a huge difference.
Although I'm not detached, what I do fully "get" is how this MLC stuff is really, clearly, not about me. I'm not referring to general M problems that I contributed to, but the stuff going on inside H.
H is about to embark on his journey alone. And this day marks the day I can give him the space to do what he needs to do for himself.
So, I'm journaling my observations from last night. It feels more like a study on human behavior, than describing someone I married.
He is trying so hard to appear ok on the outside. It's quite heartbreaking to see, knowing the man he once was. Man, he's lost. And so confused. Forgetful. He is also negative in general. He is sometimes on the verge of tears, and at other times angry....he complains a lot.
H still has almost zero sense of humor....and he used to be such a cut-up. At one point, we were opening cabinets to make sure everything was out of the house. H opened the oven door, and there was a baking sheet with 5 cinnamon rolls stuck to a pan, (3 spots where some were eaten) that looked like it had been in there for weeks....hard as rocks!! We would have laughed our a$$es off about that in the past. H just threw the entire pan, buns and all, in the trash. H said it was his kids who left it...I'm thinking that was true, since H wouldn't bake stuff, then or now. To a normal person, it would be freaking funny.
I giggled....H shook his head. I said, "ok, it is obvious you are on a mission to get this done, but just for a second, do you see how funny at was?" H stopped, lowered the trash bag down at his side, and thought about it. He said, "yeah, it is very funny. It will be a funny story someday."
He started telling me about his meds, and he wants to try another AD. He said the same as before, he doesn't feel depressed, but he feels nothing. He is scared. He started crying, and left to use the bathroom.
He also told me he was trying to figure out some things from the suicide attempt that he couldn't remember. Things he texted to others that day (spew and nonsense, if you recall). He now wants to know, but during the hospital stay, his phone got locked, battery wore out, it wouldn't turn on, and essentially "died". He had to trade it for a replacement phone, and lost recent messages. I actually have the texts... And screenshots from texts to others. I told him this way back in March in MC. But, I chose not to say anything last night. It didn't seem to be the right time. I just let him talk and talk.
Throughout the night, H was easily agitated, impatient. But not at all at me. I didn't get spewed at once. In fact, he was very positive regarding me. He made many comments about my appearance, and how good I always was with X,Y, Z. He pointed out many things he had to do, and repeated (overly repeated) "I know it's not your problem" it was strange....like a broken record. He was in a kind of Rainman-mode....idk.
It didn't mean the same it used to, to hear those things. Before, that would have given me hope that, "OMG, he's coming around! SOON we can work this out, he still loves me". But, last night, it was just more "part of the process" in my mind. I can see him churning. My hopes are still very strong, but they have shifted.
It it also obvious to me, how far away he is. Even if he came to me today, wanting to work on our M, I would say not yet. Back in May, or even through August, I would have given anything in the world to be together. Not now. Later, I pray. But not now.
I'm starting to understand.... Really understand. He has a long way to come, and is not even close to being capable of any R. No matter who he dates, he is not ready. It would never last. He is struggling just to take care of himself and his dog. He has a tough road ahead. I'm staying out of the way.
The house signing today was not emotional, as I thought it would be. I'm sad now that I'm home and alone. But it was just business in that moment.
I do miss our old life, very much. I was able to honor that life last night, and have closure in my house. I'll process these feelings for a bit, I think. It's like coming home after a funeral.
Later today, it will be time to look ahead. I believe it will pick me up again to do so.
I am very sorry about what you had to deal w/today. Signing papers and doing walk thrus are difficult especially when a marriage is on rocky grounds at the time.
Your h has a long ways to go and until he figures himself out, he'll remain lost and the numbness he's feeling is all part of the depression. I do hope and pray that he will find someone who can help him better understand what he's experiencing and get the proper meds to help him.
Tomorrow is a new day and may it be a better one for you.
Reply from uRworthy:
I'm so sorry about the house, S. It's a hard thing.
You did really well.
And the cinnamon buns in the oven? Oh man, I would have been hysterical. They lose their sense of humor in all of this.
Take a little time to process this part. When you are ready, let the feelings wash over you.
I know it's sad to see him as he is now. But, one day he will hopefully come out the other side. There is always that hope.
You really are doing great, my friend.
Now me:
Thank you, job, uR. I'm in a good place, emotionally. I'm getting clearer on what I need to do for myself and my kids. I'm still standing. I still believe in this. And I still love him. Whether he ever realizes what he could have or not, time will tell.
Just journaling, other MLC behavioral stuff I'm just now remembering from last night:
H startles very easily...he never did before. Twice, I walked in and he nearly jumped out of his shoes. Anxious, perhaps.
In the garage, with the "last pieces and stems" of things to load into H truck, I noticed on a shelf, there was a picture frame. I lifted it, as the photo was facing down. It was a collage frame of our wedding pictures. I knew H threw away a dumpster full of things. But, this? He kept.
As I lifted it, and before I knew what it was, I said to H, "there's a picture up here." And after I saw what it was, I just set it back down and walked into the house. H said, "yeah, I know." Later, I saw it in the back seat of the truck, face down again. As if he couldn't look at it. But he saved it for last.
Before anyone goes as gets all hopeful...not me, for sure.... There is another funny (well, it's funny to me) story about that wedding collage....
Remember discovery back in May of ow? Yeah.... As I emptied the house of my things in rage that day, I took every photo with me. But, I left that last wedding collage.....ever-so-passive-aggressively hanging on the wall, over the bed. (Not where it ever was before....). Oops.
But, it did surprise me that he didn't throw it out. Like he did our M. Oh, well.
At one point, H got confused, and couldn't figure out how to put a freezer shelf back in, and almost broke it in frustration. I caught myself almost offering to fix....wow. Yeah, I would have stepped in to fix in the old days. But, I didn't. I went upstairs to look through rooms. I heard him grumbling about it and getting angry....at the..... freezer.(?)...and talking to himself. "I'm going to figure this out. It just can't be this hard." Ooh that was a test for me. I passed. .
At another point, H was very scattered, and overwhelmed. After about 20 minutes, I decided to initiate a hug. I haven't done that in forever. It was short. I just said, very calmly, "I'm sorry you're frustrated. I'm sure you're tired. Moving is hard. We're almost done." It was the right thing to do at the time. And he got calm. Yes, too mothering, in hindsight, and in DB terms. But in that moment, it was more about my heart. It was what I needed to do.
He asked me, sheepishly....if I wanted to ride with him to drop things off at his apartment.
Now, here is where I'm weird. This may not make sense to some. But, sometimes, the "monster"in my imagination is far, far bigger and scarier than it is in real life. I had already thought about what I would do if I was invited. I wanted to see it, and crush that unknown monster.
And it worked. I looked around, and smiled, because I crushed the monster. . His place is newer, nicer, has far more "features" than my apartment. But, it wasn't awesome. I didn't care for it. I'm glad I went.
He kept saying he was embarrassed of the mess in his place....ummm, you're moving? He acted like he was trying to impress me as a guest. He said multiple times how he "isn't a big entertainer...." Odd things, I know. But I want to document, and I know here are several on this board who may be relating to these behaviors, too.
So, so, odd, tho.......I'm your wife. I went to see your new place, away from me. And you wanted to impress me with it....wtf? That's how it didn't even hurt. It was surreal.
He said he has already had several run-ins with management, because "they don't know what they're doing". People make him mad a lot. His key fob "didn't work" and it was the third one he had gotten from the office.... I watched him try to open his access door. He didn't put the fob in front of the sensor, he waved it elsewhere......sigh.....chalked that up to something he gets to learn on his own.
I'm sad, because this endeavor will be hard for him. But, I can see how much growing up he has to do. I love him enough to let him do that. I really do.
The glimpse into his new life, for me, was a great opportunity to see it ain't all fun and games, for sure. Everything is hard for him. It helps me understand why I'm doing what I'm doing.
And, I can't forget to include this classic, that almost got lost in the update:
Probably should have kept this one inside, but, oh well.
Texts
H: You're quiet
Me: Am I?
H: everything ok? (One of those speechless moments where I could say so much, but don't)
Me: dandy
H: there's more to that
Me: I'm just processing the house stuff, it's the end of an era, you know?
H: I could tell there was something up
Me: Yeah, I suppose. What with me being human and all.
>crickets<
Lois reply:
Shining,
I love your last remark. Priceless!
I may have to use that sometime. _________________________ "You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
uR reply:
Oh no, Shining! Convos like that remind me of some I have had with my xh....they were the stuff that made him legend around here.
Now me:
Yeah, Heather! Put that one in your pocket for later!! Have at it.
uR.... Oh, no is right! Lol!!
I just remembered another 13 year old are-you-kidding-me thing... When I was at HP, (I get to use that now....sooo...yay?)
Anyway, when I was at HP, he went to his fridge, grabbed the half gallon jug of milk, and drank from the container.... He proudly announced, "Look what I get to do now!"
Gosh, I was so turned on... My clothes were practically falling off my body. Never has a man displayed such a desirable quality. It was all I could do to resist unleashing my animalistic passions right there....
(Un-tilts head and shakes it off...)
Poor guy. But since I tend to cope with stress by using inappropriate humor at times, I had to take a short commercial break from compassion and just laugh.
"Live and laugh, laugh and love, live and laugh at it ALL!!"
AND LATER.....
Me:
That moment when your husband sends you 5 text messages, proudly showing off pictures of his newly cleaned and arranged bachelor pad.
Welp, THAT happened.
Things keep getting weirder. At least I'm not riding as crazy anymore. I'm in a good place for now.
uR:
Amazing, isnt it, Shining, when you know there is something wrong? Looks completely different, right?
He does not make the connection between showing you the pictures and your feelings about it. There is such a disconnect.
It really is very sad to see what they go through.
You are getting to a good place. The letting go part. That's when real growth can happen for you. So excited for you.
Anyway, when I was at HP, he went to his fridge, grabbed the half gallon jug of milk, and drank from the container.... He proudly announced, "Look what I get to do now!"
Gosh, I was so turned on... My clothes were practically falling off my body. Never has a man displayed such a desirable quality. It was all I could do to resist unleashing my animalistic passions right there....
I've held off responding to game requests. I received 2 texts this morning. I responded to the first one, after 3 hours. I haven't responded to the second one.
I saw them come in, and at first, I deliberately put the phone down and went back into job hunt mode. I posted a few things here. Then I forgot. Now I don't even want to respond.
H asked if he can stop by after work today, and bring the graduation and birthday cards for my sons, from his parents. ILs were going to mail the cards. H said he would bring them to us. That was over 2 months ago. Graduation was over 3 months ago.
I haven't confirmed that I'll meet him. It's not that I will or won't. I just want to pay attention to what I'm thinking and feeling about this.
I am finding ways of distracting myself because I don't like how this feels. I feel different and I can't identify why. It's scaring me a little.
I'm scared because I'm not the least bit eager about possibly seeing him. I'm scared because I'm hurting, but it's feeling more angry. I'm not angry often. I don't know where to go with it. I don't know how to feel this. I've been reactive in anger before. But this isn't that. I don't have the tools to work through this feeling. I can't explain.
Maybe just sit with it a while, don't resist it, let it reveal what it really is to you... I could be despair, disgust, who knows? Give yourself some time to get to know it.
Here is a Buddhist snippet on anger:
Quote:
Training in Aggression
Anger is an internal formation, and since it makes us suffer, we try our best to get rid of it. Psychologists like the expression, "getting it out of your system." And they speak about venting anger, like ventilating a room filled with smoke. Some psychologists say that when the energy of anger arises in you, you should ventilate it by hitting a pillow, kicking something, or by going into the forest to yell and shout.
As a kid you were not supposed to say certain swear words. Your parents may not have allowed you to say these words because they are harmful, they damage relationships. So you went into the woods or to an isolated place and shouted these words very clearly, very strongly, in order to relieve the feeling of oppression. This is also venting.
People who use venting techniques like hitting a pillow or shouting are actually rehearsing anger. When someone is angry and vents their anger by hitting a pillow, they are learning a dangerous habit. They are training in aggression. Instead, our approach is to generate the energy of mindfulness and embrace anger every time it manifests.
Treating Anger with Tenderness
Mindfulness does not fight anger or despair. Mindfulness is there in order to recognize. To be mindful of something is to recognize that something is there in the present moment. Mindfulness is the capacity of being aware of what is going on in the present moment. "Breathing in, I know that anger has manifested in me; breathing out, I smile towards my anger." This is not an act of suppression or of fighting. It is an act of recognizing. Once we recognize our anger, we embrace it with a lot of awareness, a lot of tenderness.
And I get that not wanting to see him, I felt somewhat guilty about not wanting to see stbxw after her deciding to divorce.
Hang in there, this is a learning about you part...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
The pursuit and distance thing....since I've distanced further...I'm pretty sure we're following this dance to the letter.
I didn't respond to the second text, so he just sent another. The topic has apparently changed from meeting today and bringing the cards......to my job search.
H: any new leads? Is there anything I can do?
Mind-reading... Seems he's attributed my distance to my joblessness. Because it certainly can't be about him or our M sitch. And, he's such a great guy who wants to help me.
I'm fine, and I don't want your help, jerk. (No. I didn't respond.)
I've held off responding to game requests. I received 2 texts this morning. I responded to the first one, after 3 hours. I haven't responded to the second one.
The trick here...
Is to actually BE too busy building your future, that you don't notice that you have waited 3 hours 12 minutes and 37 seconds to respond to his texts....
