BOB ( not real name) here. I'm not going thru a divorce but my girlfriend left me and said not to stop by her house. I just went thru my 2nd D 2years ago. ya, I didn't have the computer to guide me in any direction on that one.(I did EVERYTHING wrong in trying to stop the D) I am still learning. I've already had 2 coaching sessions with a DB coach. I don't text unless GF does first. Sometimes GF calls after a few texts. Small talk,happy talk. I make every effort to let her do all the talking.I haven't been saying ILY, but am I to say it back when she initiates ILY? She is a GREAT woman but has a history of being abused ( all the way from childhood) I have to see her @ a company function saturday. I think I'm ready for it.I'm learning patients,patients,patients. I think the abused part changes alot. Yes, this is my first post.
I picked up DR softback today, kinda hard to put down. I do have a life(fulltime railroad job, teach at the local college and a aux deputy sheriff). A couple of hobbies thrown in there too. I tried to go dark but GF had some mail delivered to my house. I text her and she said to open it and call her( this tells me she has SOME trust in me). For the short time we were together, we really did not argue. I wish I had DB when I was going thru my last D.I know it will help my future relationships. Bob(nrn)
well I met with GF @company thing yesterday. Started good ,ended horrible.She told me another very personal thing about herself, then small talk, happy talk.went and did company thing. I asked boss if I could leave early. boss said ok. I said I'm outta here to everyone.GF was 10 seconds behind me. pretty good till now . then I asked her if we were still considered together? GF said she didn't know. I said if she texts or calls every couple of days, I'd wait forever.Gf went to go back to company thing, I asked for her hand. I held it and said I LOVE YOU. she said she knows and will call me later. no call or text yet.My heart is for this WOMAN I feel horrible for what I did. I talk to DB coach tomorrow thank GOD. All other talk was in a manner of how good/great GF IS and will be.
ludicrous speed so we can go plaid. Some people have one of those days, I have one of those lives.
This is not an easy time for you, but some personalities on these boards will be straight forward with recommendations and sometimes come off as crude, just be aware.
In regards to your latest post, brush it off brother. Do not carry the weight of stress and failures into the next day, it will never help you out.
What I think you should consider in the future (future being a month or so from now) if she brings up relationship, just listen and don't "push" her. "Pushing" is when you confine her to embrace the love you have for her or reject it. The "I Love You" (ILY) comment only gives her 2 options and she is in full, and complete, rejection mode right now.
Another "push" that you need to stay away from is being a open doormat. She already knows you care, so now go out and have fun. Don't just sit around and be mopy and depressed because that did not attract her when you 2 first met.
This will be a long road, nothing on Earth is going to remove the pain overnight. Develop healthy habits and start to learn more about yourself and the things you enjoy. You can only affect your actions and your level of happiness right now, so just focus on those.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
A week ago I said ILY and she said it back... twice.(over the phone) GF has NO money and supporting 2 teenage D. SSI and child support are her only income.
Your right for me to brush it off, this is what I perceive. Not her. She did mention I could see other Women? She doesn't want to leave me hanging on to???? I'm off to school, then a GREAT coaching from DB, then out to fight crime. I don't have too many irons in the fire, I have toooo many fires.
ludicrous speed so we can go plaid. Some people have one of those days, I have one of those lives.
Well its been 8 days of NC. We have a company meeting in a few weeks, I might try to blow it off(truly making it NC). The problem I have now is I still have a few of her belongings. Do I break NC to get these back to her or wait till she asks for them? GF knows of one item but I have a whole box of things.GF once said before moving out " she does not give things up real easy". (Looking right @ me). I can safely say after the last few years I found emotions in me I didn't know I had.Some of them I don't like. I'd like to tell her I wont abandon her like her father, step mom and X husbands did, But i know it wont help anything. probably hurt the sitch.
ludicrous speed so we can go plaid. Some people have one of those days, I have one of those lives.
1. You said her father, step mom and ex husband(s)??? abandoned her? Lets look at the law of probability below:
father - her stepmom - her ex husband 1? - her ex husband 2? - her
I see just one name brother, this is a trend. This is potentially a red flag given the circumstance.
2. When GF said you could see other women - this could be to tell you to, "don't force me to come back when I don't want to (right now)."
2. Give her space
3. Give her space
4. Let her ask for her stuff back.
5. Growing emotionally and mentally are a natural part of this journey. Don't sacrifice either by self doubt, low self esteem and copious amounts of alcohol or equally bad habits.
6. We really need more information to get a more thorough idea of whats really going on. Make sure you are writing down notes and or recording DB sessions or any counseling sessions so that you can review progress as well as new ideas that you could implement.
7. Remember who you were when she decided to get in a relationship with you. This will take time to remember as well as time to implement, and after everything, time for your girl to see it AND believe it. Patience is a virtue.
Good luck.
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
Thanks RILEY. 1. I've always liked challenges. I know there's alot going on in her family (its big( with LOTS of drama))GF hates that part. 2.Not planning on seeking OW,for now. With 3 jobs, I ain't got time to get out. I never did socialize much...ever anyway. GF knows this. 3.I hope it says alot (to her) that I stay away as she asked.GF knows I am not a threat to her or her kids. GF defended me once already when neighbors said I was driving by her house all crazy.She knew I was @ work. 4. GFs stuff in the box is outta my sight so it don't remind me. 5. Coming here really helps. The few friends I have are 75 miles away.They all work 1st shift, I'm on 2nd. kinda hard having a normal life. 6.I write down all texts and any phone conversation for coaching purposes. LAURIE said it helps . 7. I pretty much don't do anything diff now then before. I'm a homebody. GF said she is one also.
So patience it is.I have to drive on. GF knows I have everything to offer her. She has never had that before.FAITH, LOVE AND HOPE.
ludicrous speed so we can go plaid. Some people have one of those days, I have one of those lives.
All quit for the last 12 days. Today got the "hope all is well with you". I didn't know if I should answer?? 4 hours later I said "GREAT, got a big upgrade in my job 10 and a half months early" GF sent 4 long texts and the last was a call? because I was on my bike I didn't get them till all at once. I text back " call me". 30 seconds later I'm in the phone. We talked for 50+ minutes. I really did good, no talk of the future,and I LISTENED ALOT in the tone of GFs voice. She's been sick so it was easy to tell the difference. I just don't want to be someone to vent to. I was the one to end the call. We LAUGHED alot thru most of it. I brought up great times we had and so did GF. GF might of even brought up more.GF reiterated how moving out was for D12( has anxiety) She said it in a way that kinda left the door open to get back together. I wish there was more on dealing with an abused woman.I do think the NO CONTACT rule has its merit, but I don't want her to feel abandoned again.
ludicrous speed so we can go plaid. Some people have one of those days, I have one of those lives.
